Depression and what it's really like

I don't have a problem accessing creativity on medication, or at least on Paxil which is what I've been on for decades; it's more the disappointment of who/what I turned out to be (by the definition of 'what I spend all my time doing' if not 'what I spend my time fantasizing about')

The world I live in is horrible and falling out of it feels like the best idea right now

Utter rock bottom. All the measures I've tried to take to survive have failed and I may be losing everything very soon. If I had guts I'd just end it.

you are valuable and important

thanks m bison, i'm sorry to be alarmist here. I'll stick in there but I hope in a year from now I can look back and laugh, cuz this is the shits

I've been feeling lately very defeated by the extent to which people are so careless about the implications of their behavior. I've gone through my life as a courteous, empathetic person and I can not imagine saying and/or doing things that are currently being said and done to me. Besides feeling like this kind of behavior is not productive and/or healthy, I literally don't think I would be capable of carrying on in such a manner.

It's reaching a point where, coupled with my own internal struggles and psychosis, I have begun to actually fear leaving my bedroom. I've started taking to closing the window, the blinds, and the door to my bedroom, even when I'm home alone (which is a lot). I'm taking my meds and reading the "Feeling Good" book that was recommended to me, but I have constant thoughts of my own death and what actually happens when a person ceases to live. It gets to a point where I've actually scared myself to tears, just trying to sort out what will actually happen to my "being" if I die. At this point, I feel like I'm equally as afraid of dying as I am of living.

I'll stick in there

Ross, this is a good idea. Please do. :-)

Austin, get that goofy pack of mindfulness cards and start looking for a different job?

Ross, you matter to me.

At this point, I feel like I'm equally as afraid of dying as I am of living.

A step in the right direction ...

I don't exactly feel like it is. I don't even feel like I'm capable of basic life functions at this point. Yesterday, in the grocery store, I got so scared of ???something??? that I just dropped my basket in the middle of the store and power walked out of there. One moment, I'll experience something like that, and begin to question why I am even making the effort. When I lay down and try to think myself out of that is when I start to delve deep into the subject of my consciousness actually ending and the implications of that.

So, it's like: yeah, look for a different job. But, realistically, how do I fucking do that in this state?

I feel like I've been broken so far down that I'm not sure if I will ever be able to heal.

I'm sorry. I'm dwelling and I'm ruminating. I literally don't know how to think anymore.

and personally, and i'm only speaking for myself, my self-sabotage has a seductive element, something that tries to draw me in, something that, depending on my mood, i don't always want to resist

― pray for BoJo (Noodle Vague)

i think of dfw fucking with his med regimen because he felt the meds were keeping him from being creative, and how that turned out. stuff like this is why i'm so suspicious of ever personally trying to do anything "creative".

I don't exactly feel like it is. I don't even feel like I'm capable of basic life functions at this point. Yesterday, in the grocery store, I got so scared of ???something??? that I just dropped my basket in the middle of the store and power walked out of there.

― Austin, Saturday, June 24, 2017 11:10 AM (three hours ago)

i've done that! so many times. when i think of all the things i've fucked up in my life, shit like that doesn't make the list. you panic, you have to _leave_, that's just all there is to it.

and you talk about it and well-meaning people worry about you, they're concerned that you're not _capable_ of normal human functioning anymore. whatever. it's not actually abnormal to feel fucked up inside when you're stuck in a fucked up situation.

people were really worried about my moving to oregon. i hadn't worked in a year and was not high-functioning in terms of ADLs. there was this question of, first off, can you even get hired, which is always a really big open question for anyone these days, _particularly_ if you're not working, and second off, if you're hired will you be capable of doing the job?

hell, i don't know you that well, i have no idea what you are and aren't capable of, you probably have not much idea of what you are and aren't capable of right now, but the people who were worried about me, they were worried about me for very understandable reasons but their worries were _not_ founded. my new job is doing great. i ride the train for three hours a day, read books, work my ass off, stay the hell away from the internet most of the time, and i feel fantastic.

i know it's not considered healthy to _expect_ changes in your circumstances directly translate to changes in your mood and functioning, but you've honestly got a pretty good shot. do what you can, don't beat yourself up for not doing what you can't, take any help you can get without reservation or guilt, and don't worry overmuch about meeting "society's expectations" in exceptional circumstances.

gah my pronoun usage is so fucked

i know it's not considered healthy to _expect_ changes in your circumstances directly translate to changes in your mood and functioning, but you've honestly got a pretty good shot. do what you can, don't beat yourself up for not doing what you can't, take any help you can get without reservation or guilt, and don't worry overmuch about meeting "society's expectations" in exceptional circumstances.

so otm

I've been feeling lately very defeated by the extent to which people are so careless about the implications of their behavior.

other people can be thoughtless and cruel, but also they can be loving and insightful. you're not wrong to feel bad about the former or to want to avoid people until you feel safe around them. but in my experience your feelings and your caution will come and go in waves - you won't always feel like you do now. riding it out is brutal, sometimes. but ride it out - the world is full of reasons to keep going, it's just that sometimes those reasons hide away for a while.

We switched from Boots to this online pharmacy called Pharmacy2U and they just called to one of my wife's medications is out of stock, and we'll have to phone around all the pharmacies in town to see if any of them have it.

We aren't allowed even the slightest fucking break are we?

Like when the self-sabotaging part of my brain puts off calling in for a prescription renewal for my meds ... that's on me.

― sarahell, Monday, June 19, 2017 2:13 PM (six minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I do this EVERY month

― Right column Leftist (sunny successor), Monday, June 19, 2017 3:52 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

CVS has an auto-renewal thing and they even text you when it's ready. I find it very helpful.

Well everyone, I'm down to zero dollars. Wasn't sure if I would post this because it's pretty damn embarassing, but yeah this is one of the lowest points of my life. No job, some interviews but no confirmation of job *yet* - just spent my last gift card for groceries. I have good friends and family, but wanted to say that despite the circumstances I'm not miserable...

life finds a way, not sure how that is, but no matter where you are - you can always go upwards

and bless you all

Good vibes. <3

aw I'm sorry Ross :(

i'm sorry, Ross. just having interviews is a great sign, though. do you think you'll land one of them?

I had two interviews at a clinic, but they're still "deciding". Seems like they haven't chosen a candidate but haven't outright rejected me, and this was nearly 2 weeks ago. I mean, maybe it's a formality, but I'm not gonna get my hopes up :-/

I wanted to say itt that there can be joyful moments in depression, a good thing will happen sometimes - and it feels like a side door has presented itself. It's not always a good run, but these moments matter

Chris Gethard's "Career Suicide" was a good stand-up set about mental illness, depression and battles. Recommend to anyone having a tough time who needs a relatable laugh

it takes us two weeks to get back to candidates a lot of the time, granted we are an enormous federal bureaucracy with some of the most pathetic administrative staff in the US

Ross, I read your posts here over the past few days and, I don't know, maybe I didn't respond because they've hit too close for comfort. I can absolutely relate with money troubles at this point, having been out of work for two months. My savings have dwindled away and now I have enough to pay rent for this month and that's it, I'm tapped out.

At one point, in the weeks following my last stay in the psych ward at the end of 2015/beginning of 2016, I just kind of resigned myself to the fate of bouncing in and out of such places for the remainder of my life — at that point, it was my fourth stay in hospital in three years. After I got that job, things seemed to turn around and I've so far gone the longest between hospital stays since my first time being admitted in 2013. But, I kind of feel like I've hit a breaking point, as reality has drifted slowly away over these last few weeks and I've found myself having an increasingly harder time distinguishing between what's what. I don't think my psychosis has ever been this bad for this long. However, I'm not so far gone that I don't have a grasp on the seriousness of my finances.

This all got me thinking about my history, the way things have unfolded, just circumstances. I've been watching YouTubes and reading a lot of stuff online about the "Butterfly Effect" theory. It's nothing to take that seriously, I suppose, but it certainly is thought provoking. And, besides playing music, it's really been the only thing to keep me from dwelling and spiraling down into unpleasant thoughts and destructive thought processes.

I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'll just say that your last string of posts really got to me. It made me think about my first stay in hospital years ago and how absolutely terrified I was. And it made me think about how, at this point, I kind of feel like that's where I'm headed again. Very scared at this point.

While I was there, I noticed that one of the doctors had a guitar in his office. I was there for ten days that time and on the fourth day, I finally worked up the courage to ask him if I could play it. He kind of shined it off with a "We'll see" sort of response, as I was not one of his assigned patients. Never did get to play it, but thinking about maybe being able to gave me something to take away the fear of the situation, as I had a sort of waking dream in the middle of the night a day after I had first asked him about playing it. In this state of half-consciousness, brought about by the combination of the strong sedatives they gave me to sleep and the inability to fully relax in those surroundings, I had a sort of melodic epiphany. It was so strong that this floating, simple melodic phrase started to get it stuck in my head. As soon as I got discharged, I picked up my guitar (which was a Lag acoustic at the time) when I got home and worked out the song within the span of about ninety minutes. It was a very cathartic experience, as I tried to get this melody that had been haunting me for the past week out of my head and into something tangible.

After reading your posts here, I had the strongest feeling like my cycle has come around again and it's only a matter of time before I go back to hospital. The last time I was in, over in Santa Ana, was by far the worst and the last week or so I've been having this really fearful feeling that me going back is shortly impending.

With all this in mind, I revisited the song for the first time in years last night and recorded a new version of it. Here it is. It is not the cheeriest of things, obviously.

My thoughts are with you, man.

Thanks Austin, I sincerely appreciate you dude.

Really loved that track, it's quite beautiful. Playing music is one of the only things that really keeps me sane.

It's been 7 years since I was in the hospital for a 2 week bout of psychosis, after that I made my way to a new city and a new job which I held down for about 6 years. I struggle mostly with depression these days and haven't had a psychotic episode since, but I do feel at times too comfortable in this off-centre reality I've structured, where it gets harder and harder to go back, even if that's my goal. I also feel like I've reached a breaking point, the bottom of the bag seems to have fallen out - and I'm not quite sure what to do.

I can relate to a lot of what you said in your post, and we've both been away from work for about 2 months, so I wish you the best.

Anyways Austin if you ever want to e-mail me via the ilxor function, feel free to.

That's an amazing piece, Austin. Thank you for sharing it. It has got a very soothing and caressing effect on me and the melody is gorgeous. I imagine the view of a mountain lake in the winter sun when I hear that. Good luck to get out of the blues.

that piece is totally gorgeous. thank you for sharing it.

Thanks guys. Playing is really the only thing that keeps me grounded these days.

That's exceptionally beautiful Austin. It reminds me of Grouper a bit. Thanks for sharing, and take good care.

It strikes me that some of the nicest, most level-headed and reasonable people on ILX frequently post to this thread.

I'm not sure what to do with that information yet but you all should just go ahead and take the compliment if it suits you.

aw El, that's really solid of you to say that

Thinking about you Ross and Austin, and one thing that has helped me a lot these past few weeks has been physical activity. It has really boosted my self-esteem, confidence and made a lot things much clearer in my mind. These few weeks have been very challenging when it comes to mental health issues and depression, the solitude stemming from a lack of romantic life I've described on this thread is just growing to be more difficult, but now I have this thing that helps me stay level-headed for until the dark clouds clear out. I know it seems overwhelming to plan those things when you have higher priorities like money, when you hate yourself or when you have a hard time feeling anything, but from experience, I can say it works, and that you are worth taking care of yourself. Very much so.

VHS—
You bring up a fantastic point. When I first went on leave of absence from work at the end of April, I was walking down to the beach and back at least a couple times a week. It's about five or six miles round trip along the less trafficy roads, so a good chunk of time to just put headphones on, zone out, and let things sort themselves for an hour or two. As I've had a harder time adjusting to the weirdness in my own mind, I've not made the effort to venture very far. It's been increasingly difficult to be away from the house for extended periods of time for some weeks now. I try not to get down on myself so much for neglecting to get out, but it's reached a point where there's a very real damned if I do/damned if I don't dynamic at work. If I go out, I work myself basically into a panic attack. If I stay home, I start getting into negative self-talk about not being able to be "normal."

On a semi-related note: there is a Starbucks across the road from the house where I go for a cup of coffee every morning. I order the same thing every day and I pay with my Starbucks card, so the employees know me. I've had this routine for well over a year, but I've never really reached a point where I feel at all comfortable chit-chatting with any of the people there beyond a casual "Good morning" and "Thank you." They have had quite a few new people working there as of late, but I am so preoccupied recently in my own mind that I haven't even taken notice of their name tags. This morning, I was told by a couple of the long time employees that one of (presumably newer?) employees fancies me, but is too shy to speak up. She handed me a piece of paper with the girl's name and phone number on it and I was so stricken with a rush of fear, anger, and just in-general guilt that I started to feel faint. I was so utterly disoriented that I left the paper on the counter and power walked out of there. Besides feeling like I can never set foot in there again, I also feel like possibly the biggest hypocrite scumbag of all time, as my own carelessness has undoubtedly now damaged another person. Literally hate myself right now.

VHS, very much agree with you. Walking about 1-2 hours a day now, and I try to walk by the seaside with some good tunes.

Austin, don't beat yourself up man. It's very hard to face the prospect of someone's interest when you're not in your most ideal mind. I met a girl at the hospital 2 months or so ago and she told me to come visit her work sometime. I went a month ago and she wasn't there and I haven't went back yet. Honestly I don't want to meet anyone, as nice as they are until I'm okay with myself. At this point, that's mostly financial or me, but I'm still not ready.

You know, I saw this thing on imgur last week:
http://i.imgur.com/gWGe4ux.png

And I kind of feel like that's the case presently with the girl that moved away. Without getting into too much detail, she and I had a lot of common ground as far as mental health went, so I felt really comfortable around her, like I didn't really have any explaining to do because we had a sort of "understanding."

Just feeling very incompetent as far as just being a person right now.

i dunno if i can help at all but i listened to your song and read a bunch of your blog and i can tell you are a worthwhile, smart and kind person, it's very obvious

totally agree with global

I think people w/ mental illness are often the biggest harm to ourselves, not others.

^ this can be surprising when others who are not diagnosed with anything seem quite mentally buggered, and we're the ones with "issues"

anyways, not to derail (classic sign of mental illness amirite) but just to say I hope for you to see yourself as we all clearly do Austin, as a good dude

i don't think people with mental illness are necessarily any kinder than people without, but with the amount of time i've spent being cruel to myself, i at least know what it feels like when i'm cruel to someone and i try to have empathy for it.

^otm

The worst part currently is that I'm not in the worst headspace, but the reality of my situation is i'm screwed. I keep applying for jobs and hearing nothing. The clock is running out, my family is choked with me, my friends think I'm on my last legs and I have no idea if I'll come out of this

I left a job that was killing me mentally/physically, but what good is it if you can't get some sort of revenge/upper hand on life....it's just fucking faiure

Apologies, I should find a better way to vent this. Not gonna give up /end

Any advice on how to keep plugging away (especially at work) when your inner voice is screaming at you to GTFO? I know that the weekend is coming, but the challenge there is to keep myself from sleeping instead of doing something.

possible short term strategy: immerse yourself in the thoughts/voice of someone you like and admire who has the attributes you want/need. a sort of faking it/imagine how easier it would be to be this cool person type thing. what has helped me most when I have felt similarly overwhelmed are things that put the situation in perspective, make me more relaxed, restore my sense of humour etc. and taking a break from my own tired thought processes and trying to get lost in someone else's can help

in my experience most employers value attendance more than performance, i'd turn up and do as much as I could manage and not beat myself up about being below par