Depression and what it's really like

Violet Jynx is right here

I have nothing to offer besides love and the wish that you all know that you are worthy. And I miss you, KM.

went to the doctor's this morning. before i left the house i didn't know what to say or how to describe how i was feeling - i felt like a malingerer, like somebody who needed to snap out of it, like a lazy f(l)ake. and just walking up there i had a think and i suddenly realised what it was - i've been worrying to the point of anxiety about everything: about loneliness, about money, about my relationship with my children, about my work, about cleaning my house, about my health, about my looks, about my age, literally every aspect of my life has been rattling round my head nagging me to be "put right", or nagging me that it's impossibly out of control. by the time i got there at least i could put a name to my pain. the GP was great, sympathetic, listened, talked thru options.

i thought i was done with meds for good, even when the little voice at the back of my head snorted at that thought. he asked me if i thought meds would help and after humming and hawing for a few minutes i said yes. i think i can do my own CBT, but not until this scatterbrain panic dies down.

actually just leaving the house for the first time in 72 hours probably helped.

Take care NV!

Work interview tomorrow, has been a rough month of depression - hoping returning to work may help.

actually you look quite spiff lately nv

If some meds (hell, I'm on them) can kill off the scatterbrain panic, you could do worse than force aside the objections to that shit. If it will improve your life, if it can be the kick start (or rather: vague tranquil ocean) you need to gittonwifit, and be happier (!), please do so NV. <3

oh guys its coming. and fast. my particular depression makes me want to sit in a deserted parking lot thinking how i would die. I mean I'm old enough to know it always goes away sooner or later but right now I feel like a baby about to be swaddled in a blanket made of human dread and misery.

<3 u sunny

i really think getting a cat cured my depression. i never had one when i was a kid and got depressed a lot during my teenage/early 20s years right up until i got my first pet cat. i highly recommend getting a pet to anyone who is depressed. it is a helpful thing to share your life with another being.

Be well, Sunny.

I don't know what I would do without my dog.

sunny, you are wonderful and make the internet a much more enjoyable place!

Aye, when I've really sat down and tried to think out a plan for self-employment I always imagine it being far too easy to dodge things that need to be done. No magic wands anywhere, I suppose.

― Never changed username before (cardamon), Monday, June 5, 2017 12:25 PM (three days ago)

it depends on the "things" -- it can be scary when you are the one solely responsible for everything, and there are plenty of times when I really have to force myself to work, as opposed to just cancelling appointments or turning down clients when I need the money. And then there's the sales aspect -- having to market and sell your services or products to people. Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to do it at all. I do have a part-time job where I'm an employee as "back up" but the one I have now (as opposed to the one I had a year ago) is managerial and significantly responsible for the financial health of the organization, so it's only so much of a reprieve from the self-employment stress.

KM if you feel IRL slipping away a bit, and you are on Facebook, consider deleting your account. I did so after feeling I was slipping out of my real world relationships and I have felt immensely better since - stuff I had thought I was enjoying on FB turns out to have been joyless compulsion in retrospect. It's a nice feeling to be a real world person instead of a curated presence.

I have a cat, I think it's helpful to have something to depend on you like that and have at least something to be happy to see you when you come home, but it hasn't "cured" me from feeling wretched and useless.

xps Ah that's interesting. I'll see how it goes. For now (having managed to cock up what should have been a new job) I've decided to throw myself into some volunteering for homeless. Should also help to deal with the UK elections should they turn out in such a way as to send all the British ilxors to this thread.

Cats have had their uses for Cardamon, although you need to feel like you're definitely in a position to look after them properly. There's the expense of cat food and vet bills.

I would love to have pets again. The last two I had with my ex were incredible.

http://i.imgur.com/7j6yWf2.jpg
This was Ernesto. She was such a troublemaker. She loved cilantro and would eat it after you gave her some. When she finished it, she would come over to where you were and would tuck her nose next to you and wait for some pets. Unfortunately, as sometimes happens with bunnies, she did not handle a move well and stopped eating, despite having a brand new two floor bunny mansion. She died in her sleep one night a few weeks after we had moved into a new apartment.

http://i.imgur.com/o0VF5Wk.jpg
This is Mays the cat. He liked to find hiding spots. He was an inside cat, but sometimes liked to sneak out open windows or doors. But he would always come back. He was so not territorial. He was always so friendly with other animals. Him and Ernesto were best friends, but we would often dogsit for friends and he was buds with all of them too. Such a cool guy. Miss him greatly.

http://i.imgur.com/yaqd945.jpg
Had some canine friends when I was married, but that was a long time ago. That's Oscar on the left and Alice on the right. They were adopted as rescues from two different shelters that were hundreds of miles apart. Oscar was first, but Alice came about six months later and they instantly became inseparable. Not sure whatever came of them after the divorce.

I'm not in a living situation currently that would allow for pets, unfortunately.

I think writing out your thoughts can help with depression. Of course later when you look back at what you wrote you think "how could I have thought such a ridiculous thing" but that is the cloud of depression - depression is a liar - when the sun comes out you see things as they are more realistically

Thanks for the well wishes guys. Animals really do help.

I would love to have a cat again, my last cat Goober ran off the farm and was never seen again = animals rule

probably not a coincidence that i'm (more rapidly) falling apart without my cat

Love to sunny sunny <3

I wish you all to have friends and family who care enough to stay in touch, a job with a window that looks out on beauty, a home that makes you feel like you belong somewhere, and most of all I wish you the sense that you are necessary and your awakening each morning makes a positive difference to the people around you.

I'd bet, by the way, most of those things, especially the last one, are already true, so my wishing is moot. But it is easy to forget when you're in the hole. Please don't ever stay there for long.

❤️

Really nice post El Tomboto.

Struggling so hard right now - had 2 interviews at same place recently and haven't heard back in 3-4 days so will need to follow up Monday. Honestly I'm finding it hard being off work because i'm losing that sense of normalcy I had for 6 years and this stuck feeling sucks.

i think there's a worry with depression that if you're far off the grid for too long, it's harder to normalize.

also as a separate point, not sure if it's been mentioned in this thread, but finding that there's a stigma of people with mental illness as being "untrustworthy"

but finding that there's a stigma of people with mental illness as being "untrustworthy"

It's pretty fucking defeating when you start to feel like your doctor sees you thsi way.

is he old school GP? Mine's like that Austin, and I honestly think he's a clueless fuck

I think I get a pass from the GP on that but I have to question why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to prescribe me a drug that I can quite easily kill myself with.. not that I'm going to do that but like what the fuck is wrong with these cunts.

Eeesh.

Just a thought..

Personally I think that in order to improve the mental health in today's society we have to be looking at preventative measures vs. just treating the "effects" . Of course medical profits wouldn't exist if we were able to prevent say psychosis before it occurred...

ross- totally agree with you on your first statement. as for the second, based on my experience i can guarantee you the healthcare industry would experience no economic harm whatsoever, and a great deal of benefit, from being able to prevent psychosis.

this is one of the hardest things for me about mental illness - professionals being uncaring, insensitive, clinical towards my illness sometimes comes out for me as hostility. at my worst, i get the impression that people who are trying to help me are actually trying to hurt me. the old self-sabotage comes out anywhere and anyhow it can. :(

hey rushomancy, that may have been a hasty statement on my part re: psychosis which I went through in the past. It may have made sense for me to focus more on medication, which is a huge thing for doctors as they love to receive free dinners from pharmaceutical reps when they push pills...i'm half joking there

I understand what you mean about the insensitivity - sometimes it feels like professionals are setting up road blocks to actually getting better, which can feel pretty harmful. I think even just this divide between patient vs. doctor can be harmful, because one is sick (patient) and one is able (doctor) - not sure how we can get beyond these stigmas, personally it's one of the reasons I've wanted to go into rehab counselling social work to help others - so they feel like someone actually *relates* to them.

the thing is, there's only so much doctors/professionals can do -- with mental health there's even more that you, the patient, have to do for yourself, outside of being hospitalized/institutionalized. Like when the self-sabotaging part of my brain puts off calling in for a prescription renewal for my meds ... that's on me.

^ very otm

And some more serious mental health issues (not depression, but bipolar disorder), the medications for treatment have imperfect results, and that's frustrating for the doctors as well. My depression meds have weight gain as a side effect, but the weight gain from those is nothing compared to that from some commonly prescribed bipolar meds. So, I have one close friend, who is depressed because she gained 75 pounds, but she doesn't have the manic episodes anymore, and another friend, who is thin and "sexy" but on a constant emotional rollercoaster because she's off those meds. If you were a doctor, how would you deal with that?

For sure, sarahell. I didn't mean to indicate earlier there were any easy answers, it seems this is all case by case and grey areas

Personally my GP is terrible and I've had better experiences for walk-ins. He treated my bullying and abuse at my last job as "paranoia" and tries throwing me on meds, he harbours a deep suspicion that I don't appreciate. 4 co-workers quit after I left so I do not believe I was paranoid.

But what you mention doesn't sound easy, and I can only hope we get the best help we all desserve

and we can look out for ourselves as much as possible

I feel like in some ways mental health issues are closer to substance abuse issues than physical health issues ... idk.

can you elaborate on that sarahell, if you feel comfortable to?

just that you're never really "cured" and self-sabotage is a real problem -- my relationship to my meds and my depression is different than, say, my dad's who takes a daily assortment of pills to keep his cancer in remission.

Like when the self-sabotaging part of my brain puts off calling in for a prescription renewal for my meds ... that's on me.

― sarahell, Monday, June 19, 2017 2:13 PM (six minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I do this EVERY month

I'm like that Far Side cartoon with the percussionist that has just one note to play and the caption, "don't screw this up. I won't screw this up." and then they miss the cue.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/70/06/8a/70068ad7ebe0154020c6c6623a3b6847.jpg

me irl

i'm exactly the same way but unfortunately with non-medical drugs

what i've learned is at most i can minimize the damage but self sabotage seems lurking in the shadows

Yes! xp

just that you're never really "cured" and self-sabotage is a real problem

and personally, and i'm only speaking for myself, my self-sabotage has a seductive element, something that tries to draw me in, something that, depending on my mood, i don't always want to resist

^ same here. Sometimes this makes regular life/more sensible routines feel boring...self sabotage feels like the dark side

So much OTM here

Self-sabateur sums up my entire existence pretty succinctly

Booming posts from nv and sarahell re self sabotage

Part of the seduction for me is bc of being a 'creative person' and self sabotage having, sometimes, this wreath of poetics around it; sincerely I don't really care about my health or my responsibilities on any compelling level, all I really care about is music and prose and images and nature, and most of the art that moves me has strong aspects of either self destruction or threat to the self

I don't mean that I am moved to romantic follies of love/drugs etc just idk the inability to interest myself in the fucking DRUDGERY of maintaining a good body and self and household

(Understructure to the above -- was formerly a full time creative freelancer but have been a full time non creative corporate employee for 13 years )

Part of the seduction for me is bc of being a 'creative person' and self sabotage having, sometimes, this wreath of poetics around it;

that was true for me for years! I've had to massively readjust how to be creative with my "medicated self" -- deal with the fact that I'm now fairly content to work and come home and eat and watch tv like a "normal person"