Depression and what it's really like

ThNks, thanks people. . Still here. What's merge? Not going , I don't want to worry anyone.

Sorry to be dramatic really.

Very sorry. X

It's been a very rough last few days. On Friday, I had a short email correspondence with HR people, in which I explained that my doctor has been unavailable on sick leave and I am not feeling even the slightest bit okay about meeting tomorrow morning (in the email, I literally said, "I am not well"). The reply was basically, "You need a doctor's note to postpone the meeting." Am afraid that if I choose not to attend they will accept that as voluntary resignation. At the same time, I have basically prepared myself to go in and have them tell me I'm being terminated.

I didn't leave the house on Friday or yesterday, except for a walk across the street to Starbucks each day. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that someone from the company has begun to follow me if I drive anywhere (I have a lot of evidence and strange occurrences that I won't get into here; I will say that it didn't just come about one day — it's been a gradually mounting series of "coincidences"). I had made an appointment to get one of my guitars worked on today, so I had to drive. I suppose I could've cancelled, but I figured I needed to get out. I drove about 10-15 miles per hour under the speed limit the entire time, figuring that if someone wasn't following me, they'd just go around. It pretty much worked, though now I'm starting to wonder if they know I'm onto them and have subsequently backed off. Or that it's, y'know, not actually the case at all. I really can't say either way. In any case, don't imagine I'll sleep much tonight.

austin, i mean this from the bottom of my heart, and i really hope you take think about this for a few minutes: from your posts on this thread, it sounds like you've had to deal with mental health issues off and on for a long time now, so maybe you have the ability to take a big step outside your brain for a second and think about how those strange occurrences/coincidences/sense of being followed are probably actually your brain shorting out a little because you're not feeling well right now and you're under a lot of stress. i know it sux, but is there an emergency psych doc or nurse you can call to talk this through with?

xps it's ok, jed - a lot of us know that feeling of 'fuck i just wish i could close my eyes and just not exist anymore, but it's unlikely i'll actually do something about it... in the near future, anyway'

i'm with just1n3 here, and sending best wishes Austin

Came here to steam about insomnia and its effects on my ability to get a job. Now feeling concern about a few of our posters here - please stay safe all and get help.

FWIW I've also been 'followed by a van' myself - there wasn't really a van. I feel like this is the threat response part of the brain trying to defend you in some way.

have to drag myself in to work tomorrow and find a set of artful euphemisms for "sorry for not coming in or calling but i had to spend the day lying around thinking about how i could kill myself".

take care everybody.

i feel awful for venting tbh. it's ok, i'm not going to kill myself.

Wouldn't it just be really good, if somehow, work could be changed to accommodate this stuff? There's always the idea of being self-employed as ... something, and working from home, but the more I look into that the more confusing I find it.

some might say that for more depressed types struggling w/ responsibility, working from home is not all its cracked up to be

NV-- Please don’t. Sending you good vibes, homie.

xp Aye, when I've really sat down and tried to think out a plan for self-employment I always imagine it being far too easy to dodge things that need to be done. No magic wands anywhere, I suppose.

sorry for selfishly referring this thread when i never contribute to it, but i'm wondering if anyone has any general usa-centric advice on how to seek help when you don't have health insurance and can't afford to regularly go to a therapist

Lots of those online therapy apps around now - they're like $30 a week and pretty unlimited access.

Re the work thing: I have a boring job that pays very little but I've got crazy flexibility- I can work 10 hrs a week or I can work 30. And I go in when I feel like, which helps when dealing with depression and insomnia. But I sometimes wonder if it's doing me more harm than good, like maybe it'd be better if I HAD to go to work.

Are you able to say what type of work you do?

KM if you can find a suitably liberal & chill church/temple/mosque/whatever you could always speak to some clergy, that's probably the closest thing to a free therapist you can get but it obviously comes with a different set of concerns

heh, yeah. i think it's possible that my problems started there about 30 years ago so maybe there would be a nice symmetrical feeling in resolving some of them there too. i doubt i'd be going to a pentecostal church these days though

the online thing sounds affordable but i think one thing i'm struggling with is amount of time i'm spending online and the gradual fading away of IRL

Cardamon, I work for a small clothing business, and I do garment-dyeing, inventory management and run the online store by myself.

KM in any decent-sized metropolitan area there should be some social service agencies that have sliding scales for people who fall in between Medicaid and oh-130-bucks-a-session-no-prob-I'll-go-2x-per-week

Also good private psychotherapy practices with very established reputations may have fellows and/or Ph.D. student externs who may be very well vetted and carefully mentored by really good practitioners. In DC these externs are usually around $50 a pop, but they are in essence mini-mes of people in the 170 to 300+ range.

Don't get me started on that kinda range.

NV, I don't even know you and I'd miss you. So don't.

Very depressed person talking other very depressed person out of terrible thing he also think about.

I know, I know.

'We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.'

i feel like a pathetic malingerer all the time

I am absolutely, utterly defeated. Totally worthless.

Totally worthless.

Maybe not. Do you have any gold in your mouth?

If defeated, probably defeated by arseholes, so fuck em

There is no such thing as human "worth". Everyone is worth the same - everyone gets one "human worth" token.

Violet Jynx is right here

I have nothing to offer besides love and the wish that you all know that you are worthy. And I miss you, KM.

went to the doctor's this morning. before i left the house i didn't know what to say or how to describe how i was feeling - i felt like a malingerer, like somebody who needed to snap out of it, like a lazy f(l)ake. and just walking up there i had a think and i suddenly realised what it was - i've been worrying to the point of anxiety about everything: about loneliness, about money, about my relationship with my children, about my work, about cleaning my house, about my health, about my looks, about my age, literally every aspect of my life has been rattling round my head nagging me to be "put right", or nagging me that it's impossibly out of control. by the time i got there at least i could put a name to my pain. the GP was great, sympathetic, listened, talked thru options.

i thought i was done with meds for good, even when the little voice at the back of my head snorted at that thought. he asked me if i thought meds would help and after humming and hawing for a few minutes i said yes. i think i can do my own CBT, but not until this scatterbrain panic dies down.

actually just leaving the house for the first time in 72 hours probably helped.

Take care NV!

Work interview tomorrow, has been a rough month of depression - hoping returning to work may help.

actually you look quite spiff lately nv

If some meds (hell, I'm on them) can kill off the scatterbrain panic, you could do worse than force aside the objections to that shit. If it will improve your life, if it can be the kick start (or rather: vague tranquil ocean) you need to gittonwifit, and be happier (!), please do so NV. <3

oh guys its coming. and fast. my particular depression makes me want to sit in a deserted parking lot thinking how i would die. I mean I'm old enough to know it always goes away sooner or later but right now I feel like a baby about to be swaddled in a blanket made of human dread and misery.

<3 u sunny

i really think getting a cat cured my depression. i never had one when i was a kid and got depressed a lot during my teenage/early 20s years right up until i got my first pet cat. i highly recommend getting a pet to anyone who is depressed. it is a helpful thing to share your life with another being.

Be well, Sunny.

I don't know what I would do without my dog.

sunny, you are wonderful and make the internet a much more enjoyable place!

Aye, when I've really sat down and tried to think out a plan for self-employment I always imagine it being far too easy to dodge things that need to be done. No magic wands anywhere, I suppose.

― Never changed username before (cardamon), Monday, June 5, 2017 12:25 PM (three days ago)

it depends on the "things" -- it can be scary when you are the one solely responsible for everything, and there are plenty of times when I really have to force myself to work, as opposed to just cancelling appointments or turning down clients when I need the money. And then there's the sales aspect -- having to market and sell your services or products to people. Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to do it at all. I do have a part-time job where I'm an employee as "back up" but the one I have now (as opposed to the one I had a year ago) is managerial and significantly responsible for the financial health of the organization, so it's only so much of a reprieve from the self-employment stress.

KM if you feel IRL slipping away a bit, and you are on Facebook, consider deleting your account. I did so after feeling I was slipping out of my real world relationships and I have felt immensely better since - stuff I had thought I was enjoying on FB turns out to have been joyless compulsion in retrospect. It's a nice feeling to be a real world person instead of a curated presence.

I have a cat, I think it's helpful to have something to depend on you like that and have at least something to be happy to see you when you come home, but it hasn't "cured" me from feeling wretched and useless.

xps Ah that's interesting. I'll see how it goes. For now (having managed to cock up what should have been a new job) I've decided to throw myself into some volunteering for homeless. Should also help to deal with the UK elections should they turn out in such a way as to send all the British ilxors to this thread.

Cats have had their uses for Cardamon, although you need to feel like you're definitely in a position to look after them properly. There's the expense of cat food and vet bills.

I would love to have pets again. The last two I had with my ex were incredible.

http://i.imgur.com/7j6yWf2.jpg
This was Ernesto. She was such a troublemaker. She loved cilantro and would eat it after you gave her some. When she finished it, she would come over to where you were and would tuck her nose next to you and wait for some pets. Unfortunately, as sometimes happens with bunnies, she did not handle a move well and stopped eating, despite having a brand new two floor bunny mansion. She died in her sleep one night a few weeks after we had moved into a new apartment.

http://i.imgur.com/o0VF5Wk.jpg
This is Mays the cat. He liked to find hiding spots. He was an inside cat, but sometimes liked to sneak out open windows or doors. But he would always come back. He was so not territorial. He was always so friendly with other animals. Him and Ernesto were best friends, but we would often dogsit for friends and he was buds with all of them too. Such a cool guy. Miss him greatly.

http://i.imgur.com/yaqd945.jpg
Had some canine friends when I was married, but that was a long time ago. That's Oscar on the left and Alice on the right. They were adopted as rescues from two different shelters that were hundreds of miles apart. Oscar was first, but Alice came about six months later and they instantly became inseparable. Not sure whatever came of them after the divorce.

I'm not in a living situation currently that would allow for pets, unfortunately.

I think writing out your thoughts can help with depression. Of course later when you look back at what you wrote you think "how could I have thought such a ridiculous thing" but that is the cloud of depression - depression is a liar - when the sun comes out you see things as they are more realistically

Thanks for the well wishes guys. Animals really do help.

I would love to have a cat again, my last cat Goober ran off the farm and was never seen again = animals rule

probably not a coincidence that i'm (more rapidly) falling apart without my cat

Love to sunny sunny <3