Depression and what it's really like

and Alfred wrote a great blog piece on aloneness this week, its pleasures and trials and how it fits into your sense of identity. it feels a lot like where i am right now, often comfortable with my own company, plenty of friends to hang out with on my own terms when i want to. i still get lonely, or specifically i miss having the most intimate of relationships - thinking more of shared head space and confidences than sexual intimacy tbh. i seem to be revisiting the romantic longings i had when i was a teenager, after decades of finding those longings kind of ridiculous. if i'm alone for the rest of my life i'm coming to terms with the fact that a) i'm not "alone" and b) i had my chances and i wrecked them thru my own bad behaviour. but i'm not ready quite yet to believe i'll never be in love again, fuck it, that's the right phrase, that's what's missing. and i can go most of the day without it mattering, but the gap is grumbling away down there, and at a certain point most evenings it opens up wide and tries to swallow me.

wow, this was a lot of therapy for an early sunny morning. love all of you, hope you all find what you need in life, but if not i hope you all find the best way to settle down with what your life turns out to be.

beautiful posts NV

This thread proves we are not alone. It's tough, but keep going - even if it feels like there's no reason, I know you all have worth that can't be easily defined - don't let your battles define you, you are beautiful people above all else. Stay in the game

I try to create a list of things I have gratitude for. My nephews love me and hope I show up at their birthdays - they don't see how fucked up I am. I have good friends who love me. I might hate who I am but if we step outside of our perception of who we are - I think we're decent people and possibly too hard on ourselves. I know we're all worthy of love and respect and understanding

i told my mum after i was officially diagnosed with depression/anxiety but she didn't have much to say and has never initiated a conversation about it.

my parents are the same -- not much to say, any emotional problems/unhappiness on their part in effect do not exist because it is never spoken. They had more to say and more sympathy when I had to get a wisdom tooth removed and when I needed a root canal. I think it's mainly because they know there isn't anything they can do about it and nothing constructive to say. Like, if a problem can't be helped by either money and/or food, they are kinda at a loss and just change the subject.

Like, if a problem can't be helped by either money and/or food, they are kinda at a loss and just change the subject.

exactly the same!

Maslow huh

Wishes to everyone, guys. This is a great thread.

I have to say, I have been married 20 years and have felt the loneliest I have ever felt in the last couple. At least in the relationship sense. So it's not always the case that everyone with an apparently stable relationship enjoys security because of it.
I don't liken my everyday blues to the heavy lifting that you guys itt are facing every day though. I've huge respect to you all for turning up and especially for giving it voice.

Sometimes I wonder if my intense self-loathing, generalised misanthropy and nihilism is exacerbated by my constant and daresay permanent singlehood. It's hard not to feel lonely and jealous when, as I'm in my late twenties, it feels like everyone else I know is gradually getting into long-term relationships, getting married, even having children and I know I'm completely incapable and undeserving of anything like that. When you're determined that every single thing about yourself is repellent and idiotic, and no-one in their right mind will ever want you anyway, thinking about any of that feels indulgent and useless. Though it has been pointed out to me by a friend who's tried to get me into online dating that my shitty attitude probably makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm sure writing this out and publicly indulging in pathetic self-pity will only make me feel worse, but

Nah don't worry, I was basically single or in bad/harmful relationships until age 39, and I'm in a good one now but there's no guarantee that the current one will stick either. I mean not that I can talk you out of this conviction in 2 mins on the internet but just as anecdata, there's still plenty of time for you to meet a lovely, loving, stable partner and still be miserable with them.

I was able to get a note from my therapist, postponing the meeting until at least Monday. So, we'll see what happens.

In regards to relationship stuff, I don't think there's anything I want more in life, honestly, than to have a partner.

Short relationship history: high school girlfriend (broke up with me after about a year, but was essentially mutual), ten year relationship/marriage (ended in divorce, I left), five year relationship which I had basically accepted to be "the one" and with whom I had planned to live out my days with (broke up with me abruptly after a particularly intense day of psychosis-fueled stupidity).

I did recently cross paths with a person who I was very quick to notice an immediate and close connection with (which she also conceded was something she felt). It was not meant to be though, as she had already arranged to move out of state a month or so from when we started to spend time together.

I saw a meme/comic somewhere (probably on imgur, maybe here?) that said something along the lines of, "My idea of flirting is staying quiet and looking down and hoping the other person has the courage to say something." And that's basically how it goes. Especially these days, when self-doubt and that ever present guilt is just there. I have enough nerves checking out at the grocery store to potentially wear me out for the remainder of the day, so how can I possibly approach someone along the lines of, "Hello, I find you intriguing"?

After a minor stroke and some pretty tumultous family-goings on my dad fell into a pretty deep depression back when I was in my 20's, not long before I moved to the US. We found out that he was pretending to go off to work but was actually driving around town or just parked somewhere sitting in his truck. He'd write up bills for jobs he hadn't done to try to cover it, but since Mum did the accounts it all came to roost pretty quickly. He started seeming very panicked and afraid and confused, and Mum thought the stroke might have affected his brain but they diagnosed him with depression & prescribed him some Paxil. For a while at first he'd just sleep on the couch all day, which was even weirder because Dad had been fairly active beforehand. So they cut that back and eventually we sort of got a version of Dad back...it's still not the full Father Veg, but we all just sort of accepted that this was Dad now. But no-one has ever talked about it with him. Not me, not Mum, not anyone. Even when he was officially diagnosed with depression Mum had her usual non-supportive self-involved take: "what does he have to be depressed about, he's the one making MY life miserable" as though it was a pain competition and Dad had shafted her out of the trophy.

I think being in a country town, being the generation they are, it's not only 'don't talk about your feelings' for pretty much everyone, but there's so much pride and shame and secrecy about men's mental health specifically. I have always had a great relationship with Dad and we have over the years had some good deep talks about his adoption and his sad childhood, but something about Dad's depression just made me instinctively accept that this wasn't something to talk about or even acknowledge and I really, truly regret that I didn't talk to him about it at the time. And since my only conversations with him now are via Skype with Mum, it's kind of hard to find one-on-one time to do it. Maybe I will try to talk to him about it when I am home next time. Eh. Who knows.

That is so foreign and abstract to me, as my father was so clearly affected by some sort of mental issues (some people in the family think he had some sort of PTSD from being in the military, others think he was full-on manic dissociative identity disorder; depends on who you ask). He never got any sort of formal diagnosis, though, as he was very distrusting of doctors and had an ego that wouldn't allow for that sort of thing anyway.

He was a textbook example of someone who self-medicated with alcohol. He was unpredictable when he was sober, so being as he was at least buzzed most of the day, he was a total loose cannon. Actual events that transpired could set him off, or it could be something that stemmed from the paranoia within his own mindset. In any case, he would explode with rage. Just completely unreasonable, by any rationale.

My parents split before I was even a year old, so my sister and I lived with my mom and he had visitation on the weekends. All my memories are of my mother and father completely hating each other and doing nothing to hide that fact. He kidnapped my sister for a week or two once (I must have been about three or four at the time). Because there were so many conflicts between them, it was eventually ordered that there be a police escort during pick-ups and drop-offs. When we were at his place for weekends, he would mostly ignore us. He lived in this gigantic house in downtown Eugene and I have really clear memories of being dropped off Friday afternoon, him locking us in the basement, and being left there until Sunday morning, just before my mother would be by to pick us up. It was never spoken, but was explicitly understood that if we said anything, there would be big consequences. Just really damaging and unpleasant situations.

I was really afraid of him. I had seen him be physically aggressive with other people more times than I can count, and it reached that point with me a few times. Inevitably, as I got older and became more rebellious, things got to a boiling point. Eventually, after several very tense altercations, we went to family court and I had a long talk with the judge, who revoked my dad's parental rights. I was a freshman in high school, so about fourteen or fifteen.

I didn't see him for many years after that. I still stayed in touch with my grandparents (his parents), so when my grandfather died, I ran into him at the memorial service. He started in on me right away. Never changed.

After that, an even longer time passed that I didn't see him. I got word of his poor health in the fall of 2010. It was basically relayed to me that he was not going to make it home from the hospital. So, I figured I should go and try to do the right thing. I went to visit him in the VA hospital and he was in the ICU, so they did not allow me to visit for very long. Probably for the best, as he was experiencing intense dementia and did not recognize me (a very weird thing to have to introduce yourself to your own father). I was there for maybe twenty minutes and he was very out of it the entire time, talking to people that weren't there, claiming it was 1999, all kinds of stuff. He died of liver failure about a week or two later. Basically drank himself to death.

Of all the hours I've spent considering his existence, I've come to the conclusion that I probably didn't ever really know the real him. He was in such an altered state (be it chemical or just conditional) my whole life that I'm not sure if I got to see who he was. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was a better person than I ever saw — or at least he may have been at one point.

Wow. Yeesh.

I'm really impressed by how you can appraise his actions honestly and also still think of his potential to have been better.

Well, from talking to my family about it, they all figure he was not well mentally for a very long time. Nobody can pinpoint an event or period when he began to change, but they all have pleasant memories of him being "normal" from the first third of his life. But, according to everyone, he just changed. And he just drank. And drank.

You always hear about people who are addicted to a drug and all of their friends and family say that they became a completely different person through their addiction.

I would make an educated guess that that's how it became with him. Although, how much of that was his mental illness and how much was him having slipped into that "role", I'll never know.

god Austin that sounds positively awful

Reading your posts, I feel fortunate that my father helped me a lot with depression, he also suffered from it and he really worked towards me getting better (perhaps even at the expense of himself). And reading your posts, I realize I need to tell him thank you, not that I haven't shown gratitude, I have, but I haven't expressed how I felt fortunate to have him, he didn't have this as a teenager or a young adult, because of the whole mental health stigma (that is stronger in France than in North America, even to this day).

Great thread

i saw that trending video about how to make yourself miserable, and yeah, i do most of that. or did most of that. starting the new job, i complain about not getting naps anymore but i'm so much happier, i like getting out and talking to people which is something i only really do if i _have_ to, i like having a regular sleep schedule, i like having time away from the computer where i can just read my book or stare out the train window, seriously i'm happier just staring out a train window than i am on the internet. i worry about things i need to do something about instead of worrying about things i can't do shit about. i hope i'm not fucking up the thread by talking about this stuff, but for me part of dealing with lifelong depression is acknowledging those times when i'm not miserable, that being miserable isn't as inevitable as it seems.

rushomancy otm. There are definitely good moments

i am a huge fan of a good train window stare session

Yeah I don't feel the internet is really helpful at all, which is one of the reasons I don't fuck with social media; I was on fb briefly but I felt it corroding my already fragile self-esteem/faith in humanity so I left it alone. Though this does mean I'm somewhat left out of the loop sometimes when I can muster the effort to be less reclusive. Intensive music listening away from the computer and long aimless walks tend to make me feel a little better at least for a while.

^ pretty much the same way ghali.

what counts as madness?

I need to vent here about something that's been profoundly frustrating.

I've been trying to collect unemployment benefits since May 10 and the government finally let me know I need a note from my GP saying we had discussed me changing careers as I quit my job since it was a hostile environment. My doctor did tell me to look for other jobs but I don't have this in writing and I cannot get an appointment with him until June 22 - I asked him to fax the note to the government but he refused to do so. I need this money to live and luckily I have a job interview that sounds promising coming up, but I'm so disappointed with our medical system sometimes. When I initially told my doc I needed to go on leave prior to quitting my job for medical reasons, he put me on anti depressants. he's a clueless fuck

So the only alternative was claiming my work place was a hostile environment, which means I would have to get my boss to confirm it's negative. He's too worried about lawyers and won't do it, but he's quitting himself. It would only take on look at employment websites to see that my former company has terrible reviews....I feel pretty stuck, and hopefully this job works out

Man this is hard today. I have friends who really love me but I hate myself often. I watch stand up comedy to avert sadness and have a drinking problem. I wish it would get easier

I'm so ready to do myself in. I don't feel that bad about it.

Jed, don't man!!

please don't, please

Jed, if you're feeling that way, seriously go to merge or something. Care about you man

ThNks, thanks people. . Still here. What's merge? Not going , I don't want to worry anyone.

Sorry to be dramatic really.

Very sorry. X

It's been a very rough last few days. On Friday, I had a short email correspondence with HR people, in which I explained that my doctor has been unavailable on sick leave and I am not feeling even the slightest bit okay about meeting tomorrow morning (in the email, I literally said, "I am not well"). The reply was basically, "You need a doctor's note to postpone the meeting." Am afraid that if I choose not to attend they will accept that as voluntary resignation. At the same time, I have basically prepared myself to go in and have them tell me I'm being terminated.

I didn't leave the house on Friday or yesterday, except for a walk across the street to Starbucks each day. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that someone from the company has begun to follow me if I drive anywhere (I have a lot of evidence and strange occurrences that I won't get into here; I will say that it didn't just come about one day — it's been a gradually mounting series of "coincidences"). I had made an appointment to get one of my guitars worked on today, so I had to drive. I suppose I could've cancelled, but I figured I needed to get out. I drove about 10-15 miles per hour under the speed limit the entire time, figuring that if someone wasn't following me, they'd just go around. It pretty much worked, though now I'm starting to wonder if they know I'm onto them and have subsequently backed off. Or that it's, y'know, not actually the case at all. I really can't say either way. In any case, don't imagine I'll sleep much tonight.

austin, i mean this from the bottom of my heart, and i really hope you take think about this for a few minutes: from your posts on this thread, it sounds like you've had to deal with mental health issues off and on for a long time now, so maybe you have the ability to take a big step outside your brain for a second and think about how those strange occurrences/coincidences/sense of being followed are probably actually your brain shorting out a little because you're not feeling well right now and you're under a lot of stress. i know it sux, but is there an emergency psych doc or nurse you can call to talk this through with?

xps it's ok, jed - a lot of us know that feeling of 'fuck i just wish i could close my eyes and just not exist anymore, but it's unlikely i'll actually do something about it... in the near future, anyway'

i'm with just1n3 here, and sending best wishes Austin

Came here to steam about insomnia and its effects on my ability to get a job. Now feeling concern about a few of our posters here - please stay safe all and get help.

FWIW I've also been 'followed by a van' myself - there wasn't really a van. I feel like this is the threat response part of the brain trying to defend you in some way.

have to drag myself in to work tomorrow and find a set of artful euphemisms for "sorry for not coming in or calling but i had to spend the day lying around thinking about how i could kill myself".

take care everybody.

i feel awful for venting tbh. it's ok, i'm not going to kill myself.

Wouldn't it just be really good, if somehow, work could be changed to accommodate this stuff? There's always the idea of being self-employed as ... something, and working from home, but the more I look into that the more confusing I find it.

some might say that for more depressed types struggling w/ responsibility, working from home is not all its cracked up to be

NV-- Please don’t. Sending you good vibes, homie.

xp Aye, when I've really sat down and tried to think out a plan for self-employment I always imagine it being far too easy to dodge things that need to be done. No magic wands anywhere, I suppose.

sorry for selfishly referring this thread when i never contribute to it, but i'm wondering if anyone has any general usa-centric advice on how to seek help when you don't have health insurance and can't afford to regularly go to a therapist

Lots of those online therapy apps around now - they're like $30 a week and pretty unlimited access.

Re the work thing: I have a boring job that pays very little but I've got crazy flexibility- I can work 10 hrs a week or I can work 30. And I go in when I feel like, which helps when dealing with depression and insomnia. But I sometimes wonder if it's doing me more harm than good, like maybe it'd be better if I HAD to go to work.

Are you able to say what type of work you do?

KM if you can find a suitably liberal & chill church/temple/mosque/whatever you could always speak to some clergy, that's probably the closest thing to a free therapist you can get but it obviously comes with a different set of concerns

heh, yeah. i think it's possible that my problems started there about 30 years ago so maybe there would be a nice symmetrical feeling in resolving some of them there too. i doubt i'd be going to a pentecostal church these days though

the online thing sounds affordable but i think one thing i'm struggling with is amount of time i'm spending online and the gradual fading away of IRL

Cardamon, I work for a small clothing business, and I do garment-dyeing, inventory management and run the online store by myself.