Depression and what it's really like

Good vibes Austin

And to NV

my people... hold on

thread went to a dark place that mirrored exactly my current mental state/actual state (word for word in a couple of cases) so couldn't bring myself to reopen it. catching up on the thread now to see how everyone's going (hugs to everyone) (had to skim/skip aforementioned chunk of posts for my own wellbeing, sorry) (dowd, you okay?), and posting now because it's 3 am and fuck even trying to sleep. wee-hours destructive thoughts and panic attacks are the worst.

sorry also for self-focused post, am not proud of that but am also not in any reasonable sort of frame at the minute

Shut up, that's what this thread is, love. Love all of youse. Stay strong

That's exactly right, NV. Do not apologize for at least attempting to talk/type yourself through it.

I know I hate letting anyone else into my innermost stuff, but at certain points, you have to let it explode outwards and at least try to send it on its way.

<3 to you AA

^

I'm having a relatively good period at the moment. Occasional drifts into bad thinking but not in the pits of despair.

I don't want to get complacent though. Last week I completely lost it at Boots because they fucked up my wife's prescription and that's now the 3rd month in a row that something has gone wrong, and we've been with that branch of Boots for... 3 months. But I don't feel good about ranting at counter staff when they probably aren't personally to blame. At least I don't have to go back there, I got all our repeat slips off them and registered with this online pharmacy that delivers your prescriptions to you. Probably won't be any good either, knowing how things usually go. But anyway, that showed me I am probably suppressing emotions a bit because I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds.

I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds

Feel like this is my default setting for the past six months.

Except for it's all directed inwardly.

hugs, Austin. that feeling is suffocating and nobody deserves to go through that.

I've been through a roller coaster of emotions the last few weeks. being home (temporarily) from Puerto Rico (work) has been a nice break, today was an unfortunate setback as I'm about to head back into a hell-week at work again and returning to San Juan.

the thing I hate most is not being present for others like I should be. I would never lie and say I'm the most outgoing, empathetic person alive, but in better times I at least tried to be that way.

on the plus side, been drinking a lot less (except at concerts, see controversial thread) - and that's been helping. with both this and my anxiety, which feeds on alcohol.

Anyone had experience coming off paroxetine/aropax? I am being recommended this, but am not wanting to go even more mental due to withdrawal side-effects.

― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Sunday, May 21, 2017 9:48 PM (one week ago)

if you're still thinking about this**, just make sure you taper it slowly. paroxetine has a fairly short half-life and is therefore associated with the most risk of discontinuation symptoms. gradually decreasing the dose over a period of 3-4 weeks is generally recommended

**you should do it under the direction of your doctor or at least give your pharmacist a heads up

Appreciate you all and always wish you my best

Thoughts about depression and dating that I need to get out there. I've battled depression and I am taking medication for it. In the last 2-3 years I would say I'm generally pretty happy! Thanks to a loving and supportive family, good medication and really good friends. However, in some parts because of the depression earlier in my life, in other parts because of being ADD, some part because I'm difficult, I have been single my entire adult life. I'm in my late twenties and the loneliness is starting to really hurt me, to the point where I'm afraid I'll go back into depression. I've left the dating apps and websites because it doesn't work for me, I've used it a lot and doesn't play with how I see relationships now. It is just an endless series of one night stands, which is contrary to what I want now. The stigma of mental illness still play a negative part of dating of course, so I've decided to take more of my time when I meet someone I enjoy, to take a healthier look at things.

However, it is just hard to build the confidence after spending years being either rejected or passed on for friends or literally thinking you are the worst shit of all time etc. Anyway, sometimes I come home from parties in which I'm the only single person, or hear news from couples on travelling and I just lose it, incessant crying, intense self-hatred, that kind of stuff. I understand I should try to be happy on my own, something I work on every day of my life, but it is hard. The part that gets me is that I know there is countless of great woman who are in a similar situation as mine, but somehow, we can't seem to find each other.

Aren't some of the apps geared toward long term relationships? I have a good friend at work who met his wife on match.

I know people who've met long-term partners or husbands/wives on those sites/apps. I personally think they can be pretty bad for exacerbating negativity and depression, but different for everyone I guess.

Brother central to this month's WDYLL met his wife from a site

there are loads of women builders nowadays tbf

dating sites aren't generally super good for self-esteem, though i did find my spouse out there (have never been into casual anything) - more a matter of luck than anything else. my intense social phobia meant that i didn't really have any other options for meeting people...

i met my wife on match fwiw, and i am a hideous mutant irl

I met my husband online - not a dating site but a message board, and I lived in New Zealand while he lived in the US, at the time.

Van Horn, can relate to your post. I've been single for the last 7 years with occasional dating and a 10 year relationship prior to all that. I feel like I've mostly acclimatized to being alone or pretending that I can do it on my own while at times doing a piss poor job taking care of myself. Which then reinforces the feeling that I cannot date until I have it more together in life, which feels like a closed loop these days. The last girl I met was in the hospital and I probably should follow up on meeting her as we discussed, but I fluctuate between ambivalence and self-loathing

I am sorry to break topic here, but I'm not doing especially well. As I said, I am on leave from work officially until today. I am supposed to meet with the HR people tomorrow. However, I have had increasing paranoia and auditory stuff and it's been really difficult for me to distinguish between the real thing and the other side. I am realistically in no condition to be attending the meeting tomorrow. I emailed and asked to postpone until next week, which was denied on the grounds that I would need a letter from my doctor extending my absence period. My psychiatrist is currently out indefinitely on sick leave. I suppose if I did attend the meeting completely sketched out and neurotic there's no way that they would clear me to return to work. Although I'm so paranoid about anything they do that I would not be surprised if they made me go back to work with the knowledge that I'm not going in clear headed so they can manipulate the situation into making me perform poorly and terminate me.

Hi Austin, is unemployment medical benefits an option?

Just some clarification, Ausin, because I mean well. It sounds like it would be good to have some extended time off from work, which I suppose you could get alternatively via a doctor's note. I believe mental health is protected under law, so employment status should remain the same. What matters is your well being

I've been single for the last 7 years with occasional dating and a 10 year relationship prior to all that. I feel like I've mostly acclimatized to being alone or pretending that I can do it on my own while at times doing a piss poor job taking care of myself. Which then reinforces the feeling that I cannot date until I have it more together in life, which feels like a closed loop these days.

wow. this is seriously my life right now

though I am taking steps to "have it more together" which right now consists of decluttering my apartment and getting rid of stuff. But sometimes I feel like this is another avoidance strategy.

By any measure it's a better avoidance strategy than, say, playing retro video games or refusing to leave the house.

well yes, I was going to say, it's more productive than getting drunk and watching prestige television

at least i only get drunk or play video games

wow. this is seriously my life right now

same

feel big resonance here. i've been single for so long i can't even tell if it's a bad or good thing. i feel lonely sometimes, but other times i feel sort of thrilled by independence. i have a chronic illness and that prob fuels solipsism even further - it is hard to sync in entirely with others, or to be depended on, or whatever. sometimes i feel lucky, other times i feel envious.

and i have many avoidance strategies, but i'm not sure that there are many other ways to live, for anyone. been meaning to check back in here of late, i've been doing counselling again. as just generally have been feeling a more latent sort of despair the last few months, for no real reason, crying for reasons unknown to me. the more counselling i do the more it's like there's some unknowable core in me.

lately, and this is a separate post or entirely different thing... but a bad thing:

i've been wanting to comment here in the context of "parental depression and what it's really like". my mother has a long-standing nerve condition that affects her feet and general mobility, which she has mostly buried emotionally for many years. she only told the rest of us about it in the last 7/8 years.

it seems to worsen her mental health and make her more angry and depressed, which means my dad (and to a lesser extent the rest of us) deal with the fallout. he's emotionally unequipped to do so, not a particularly sensitive man, but he really is doing his best and i respect his effort. he loves her and he is trying as hard as he can. he says my mother wakes up crying and stuff, or lashes out at him, or behaves hopelessly about doing things, like holidays or even tiny things like a trip out somewhere or whatever. her condition is not yet at the stage where it stops her from daily activities, she seems capable still, so it's quite hard to tell how much of what's happening is anger about the present condition and the past, and how much is fear of a worse future. she refuses to do counselling so angrily that it's prob only been suggested once or twice by me or my sister, maybe my dad. a total no-go.

the net result of all this is odd. my dad is prob more emotionally open than ever as he seeks help from all of us. perversely it means we prob all are closer to him. but the spillover is generally a real problem. at the weekend i visited and mum was highly depressed on the monday, and feeling unwell after doing physiotherapy, she sat at the table head in hands saying nothing, while my dad and i tried to help, tried and failed because there's no way in.

i flew home that day and on the way to the airport my dad said he would be out all day until late and i should phone home that night to ask how mum was, because he wouldn't be around. i didn't that night, i decided to phone the next night, i guess because i was depressed myself and i knew i had no way of actually helping or anything to say. but also because i actually like phoning home and i like speaking to my mum, and i didn't want it to become some chore instigated by my dad.

the next day my dad sent me a text saying he was very disappointed in me not phoning, that kind of thing. i was actually raging about it. i've never spoken directly to him in anger about emotional behaviour but i ended up firing a volley of texts back. i basically told him it's not as if i sit at home all day with no life or problems of my own. i told him he couldn't suddenly want open emotional conversations with his family solely for the purpose of his happiness with mum, when he never asked a thing about any of our emotional states and would change the subject if we ever brought them up, which we don't, because not talking about this stuff is family status quo.

mostly i just thought i don't want phoning my mum to be some emotional legwork, or favour. i do it often and we chat about things and have a close relationship. i really like my parents and we get along well, but the whole thing is this seeping poison. it's like the exact attitude my mum has that's hurting her and keeping her distant is the same fault my dad has and can't see in himself as he blasts me on text about how to talk to mum, having never asked or bothered to gaf about anyone else's mental state his entire life.

anyway tldr - and maybe one for the 'ageing parents' thread, but the whole thing really fucking broke my heart this week.

wow. this is seriously my life right now

same

this was my life a few years ago lol. now 12 years since i was in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months.

Always helps me to get outside

cleaning and going outside definitely help. I guess they reinforce some feeling of control, I appreciate this thread and posters therein immensely

i don't think i've ever had a conversation about emotions/feelings with either of my parents, ever. i mean, i told my mum after i was officially diagnosed with depression/anxiety but she didn't have much to say and has never initiated a conversation about it. never in a million years would i call on either of them for emotional support - the whole extended family is the same way, and i know it's the same for a lot of my new zealand friends too.

co-signing for Australia :/

<3 to my fellow antipodeans
raised with gallons of tea and very little sympathy

my dad i think had undiagnosed, untreated depression for maybe his whole adult life. there were times in the last few years where it got pretty intense, and i tried to suggest ways he could get help, but that was never going to happen. wrong generation, wrong class. i was open, eventually, about some of my own issues, but the unhelpful stuff that got said made me shut up whenever possible. it wasn't always possible - he'd still call me at least twice a week, more sometimes, wanting conversation - i think me and my brother were the only people he had serious conversations with after he retired - but his idea of a fun conversation would often be an argument about his increasingly spiteful, reactionary politics and even on a good day that wasn't an argument i enjoyed. on days when i really didn't want to be on the phone for an hour or i just felt too low to respond to his provocations he'd get pissy with me for not wanting to talk to him, made me feel like the emotional bad guy. i tried, ffs.

i reflected a lot on how much of my darkness came from him. the science says some combo of genetics and upbringing probly passed it down to me. i worry about the extent i passed it along to my kids, specifically my daughter. but me and Han can talk about this stuff, and deal with it between us. i don't blame my failings or my sadness on dad or anybody else. but Larkin had it pretty right i think, and i take responsibility now for trying not to hand that misery on any further.

and Alfred wrote a great blog piece on aloneness this week, its pleasures and trials and how it fits into your sense of identity. it feels a lot like where i am right now, often comfortable with my own company, plenty of friends to hang out with on my own terms when i want to. i still get lonely, or specifically i miss having the most intimate of relationships - thinking more of shared head space and confidences than sexual intimacy tbh. i seem to be revisiting the romantic longings i had when i was a teenager, after decades of finding those longings kind of ridiculous. if i'm alone for the rest of my life i'm coming to terms with the fact that a) i'm not "alone" and b) i had my chances and i wrecked them thru my own bad behaviour. but i'm not ready quite yet to believe i'll never be in love again, fuck it, that's the right phrase, that's what's missing. and i can go most of the day without it mattering, but the gap is grumbling away down there, and at a certain point most evenings it opens up wide and tries to swallow me.

wow, this was a lot of therapy for an early sunny morning. love all of you, hope you all find what you need in life, but if not i hope you all find the best way to settle down with what your life turns out to be.

beautiful posts NV

This thread proves we are not alone. It's tough, but keep going - even if it feels like there's no reason, I know you all have worth that can't be easily defined - don't let your battles define you, you are beautiful people above all else. Stay in the game

I try to create a list of things I have gratitude for. My nephews love me and hope I show up at their birthdays - they don't see how fucked up I am. I have good friends who love me. I might hate who I am but if we step outside of our perception of who we are - I think we're decent people and possibly too hard on ourselves. I know we're all worthy of love and respect and understanding

i told my mum after i was officially diagnosed with depression/anxiety but she didn't have much to say and has never initiated a conversation about it.

my parents are the same -- not much to say, any emotional problems/unhappiness on their part in effect do not exist because it is never spoken. They had more to say and more sympathy when I had to get a wisdom tooth removed and when I needed a root canal. I think it's mainly because they know there isn't anything they can do about it and nothing constructive to say. Like, if a problem can't be helped by either money and/or food, they are kinda at a loss and just change the subject.

Like, if a problem can't be helped by either money and/or food, they are kinda at a loss and just change the subject.

exactly the same!

Maslow huh

Wishes to everyone, guys. This is a great thread.

I have to say, I have been married 20 years and have felt the loneliest I have ever felt in the last couple. At least in the relationship sense. So it's not always the case that everyone with an apparently stable relationship enjoys security because of it.
I don't liken my everyday blues to the heavy lifting that you guys itt are facing every day though. I've huge respect to you all for turning up and especially for giving it voice.

Sometimes I wonder if my intense self-loathing, generalised misanthropy and nihilism is exacerbated by my constant and daresay permanent singlehood. It's hard not to feel lonely and jealous when, as I'm in my late twenties, it feels like everyone else I know is gradually getting into long-term relationships, getting married, even having children and I know I'm completely incapable and undeserving of anything like that. When you're determined that every single thing about yourself is repellent and idiotic, and no-one in their right mind will ever want you anyway, thinking about any of that feels indulgent and useless. Though it has been pointed out to me by a friend who's tried to get me into online dating that my shitty attitude probably makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm sure writing this out and publicly indulging in pathetic self-pity will only make me feel worse, but

Nah don't worry, I was basically single or in bad/harmful relationships until age 39, and I'm in a good one now but there's no guarantee that the current one will stick either. I mean not that I can talk you out of this conviction in 2 mins on the internet but just as anecdata, there's still plenty of time for you to meet a lovely, loving, stable partner and still be miserable with them.

I was able to get a note from my therapist, postponing the meeting until at least Monday. So, we'll see what happens.

In regards to relationship stuff, I don't think there's anything I want more in life, honestly, than to have a partner.

Short relationship history: high school girlfriend (broke up with me after about a year, but was essentially mutual), ten year relationship/marriage (ended in divorce, I left), five year relationship which I had basically accepted to be "the one" and with whom I had planned to live out my days with (broke up with me abruptly after a particularly intense day of psychosis-fueled stupidity).

I did recently cross paths with a person who I was very quick to notice an immediate and close connection with (which she also conceded was something she felt). It was not meant to be though, as she had already arranged to move out of state a month or so from when we started to spend time together.

I saw a meme/comic somewhere (probably on imgur, maybe here?) that said something along the lines of, "My idea of flirting is staying quiet and looking down and hoping the other person has the courage to say something." And that's basically how it goes. Especially these days, when self-doubt and that ever present guilt is just there. I have enough nerves checking out at the grocery store to potentially wear me out for the remainder of the day, so how can I possibly approach someone along the lines of, "Hello, I find you intriguing"?