Depression and what it's really like

God can fuck right off, imo

You are right i never understood why god was in there. But it does work without god.

It's a good sentiment, I admit

best wishes and hugs to all

Seen a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist in last few weeks. So boring explaining history of my depression, so boring having the depression, so fucking tedious in all ways

*nods agreement*

I am so fucking disillusioned right now. I'm actually tired of my own legit problems and issues to the point where I don't even feel like defending myself anymore.

And, without going into any backstory, I am in need of defense as of late.

Currently on leave of absence from work. The bastards will have to fire me to get rid of me. I can't really afford to lose benefits at this point, but fucking people have no clue how fucking damaging their egos are. It's like some people don't even realize that the rest of us are here and exist and are trying as hard as possible; excuse me that I cannot read minds. Absolute fucking viciously careless.

Paranoia and auditory hallucinations have returned. Was dialed back on seroquel (quetiapine fumarate), now I can't sleep. Was written an "as needed" scrip for xanax (alprazolam) and went through it in a matter of days.

People are not decent. They're not okay. They're not good. They're not empathetic. They are fucking savages motivated by their own sense of made up authority.

(except you lot; you're alright)

I'm sorry dude, that sucks.

That's awful, Austin. Best of luck.

Anyone had experience coming off paroxetine/aropax? I am being recommended this, but am not wanting to go even more mental due to withdrawal side-effects.

Well, some brief Googling reveals its half-life is just about a whole day, which seems like a long time to me. My best educated guess would be to taper very slowly in very small increments.

Sanpaku to thread?

xp - depends on the dosage -- i started feeling it after a day and a half -- there's a weird underwater/dizziness that's the first withdrawal symptom I had

Hey Austin, wish you the best. I took time off from work due to health related problems and when I tried to take medical leave, my employer denied it. So after six years of that toxic place I quit and it was the right decision.

Xpost the renowned brain shivers

Well, the mailman brought semi-good news today, as I received a letter from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in Los Angeles. I am an scheduled next month for an intake interview to open an investigation of my discrimination in the workplace complaint.

I have some time to prepare, but I still feel like I've been in no place mentally as of late to handle it.

Good vibes Austin

And to NV

my people... hold on

thread went to a dark place that mirrored exactly my current mental state/actual state (word for word in a couple of cases) so couldn't bring myself to reopen it. catching up on the thread now to see how everyone's going (hugs to everyone) (had to skim/skip aforementioned chunk of posts for my own wellbeing, sorry) (dowd, you okay?), and posting now because it's 3 am and fuck even trying to sleep. wee-hours destructive thoughts and panic attacks are the worst.

sorry also for self-focused post, am not proud of that but am also not in any reasonable sort of frame at the minute

Shut up, that's what this thread is, love. Love all of youse. Stay strong

That's exactly right, NV. Do not apologize for at least attempting to talk/type yourself through it.

I know I hate letting anyone else into my innermost stuff, but at certain points, you have to let it explode outwards and at least try to send it on its way.

<3 to you AA

^

I'm having a relatively good period at the moment. Occasional drifts into bad thinking but not in the pits of despair.

I don't want to get complacent though. Last week I completely lost it at Boots because they fucked up my wife's prescription and that's now the 3rd month in a row that something has gone wrong, and we've been with that branch of Boots for... 3 months. But I don't feel good about ranting at counter staff when they probably aren't personally to blame. At least I don't have to go back there, I got all our repeat slips off them and registered with this online pharmacy that delivers your prescriptions to you. Probably won't be any good either, knowing how things usually go. But anyway, that showed me I am probably suppressing emotions a bit because I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds.

I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds

Feel like this is my default setting for the past six months.

Except for it's all directed inwardly.

hugs, Austin. that feeling is suffocating and nobody deserves to go through that.

I've been through a roller coaster of emotions the last few weeks. being home (temporarily) from Puerto Rico (work) has been a nice break, today was an unfortunate setback as I'm about to head back into a hell-week at work again and returning to San Juan.

the thing I hate most is not being present for others like I should be. I would never lie and say I'm the most outgoing, empathetic person alive, but in better times I at least tried to be that way.

on the plus side, been drinking a lot less (except at concerts, see controversial thread) - and that's been helping. with both this and my anxiety, which feeds on alcohol.

Anyone had experience coming off paroxetine/aropax? I am being recommended this, but am not wanting to go even more mental due to withdrawal side-effects.

― Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Sunday, May 21, 2017 9:48 PM (one week ago)

if you're still thinking about this**, just make sure you taper it slowly. paroxetine has a fairly short half-life and is therefore associated with the most risk of discontinuation symptoms. gradually decreasing the dose over a period of 3-4 weeks is generally recommended

**you should do it under the direction of your doctor or at least give your pharmacist a heads up

Appreciate you all and always wish you my best

Thoughts about depression and dating that I need to get out there. I've battled depression and I am taking medication for it. In the last 2-3 years I would say I'm generally pretty happy! Thanks to a loving and supportive family, good medication and really good friends. However, in some parts because of the depression earlier in my life, in other parts because of being ADD, some part because I'm difficult, I have been single my entire adult life. I'm in my late twenties and the loneliness is starting to really hurt me, to the point where I'm afraid I'll go back into depression. I've left the dating apps and websites because it doesn't work for me, I've used it a lot and doesn't play with how I see relationships now. It is just an endless series of one night stands, which is contrary to what I want now. The stigma of mental illness still play a negative part of dating of course, so I've decided to take more of my time when I meet someone I enjoy, to take a healthier look at things.

However, it is just hard to build the confidence after spending years being either rejected or passed on for friends or literally thinking you are the worst shit of all time etc. Anyway, sometimes I come home from parties in which I'm the only single person, or hear news from couples on travelling and I just lose it, incessant crying, intense self-hatred, that kind of stuff. I understand I should try to be happy on my own, something I work on every day of my life, but it is hard. The part that gets me is that I know there is countless of great woman who are in a similar situation as mine, but somehow, we can't seem to find each other.

Aren't some of the apps geared toward long term relationships? I have a good friend at work who met his wife on match.

I know people who've met long-term partners or husbands/wives on those sites/apps. I personally think they can be pretty bad for exacerbating negativity and depression, but different for everyone I guess.

Brother central to this month's WDYLL met his wife from a site

there are loads of women builders nowadays tbf

dating sites aren't generally super good for self-esteem, though i did find my spouse out there (have never been into casual anything) - more a matter of luck than anything else. my intense social phobia meant that i didn't really have any other options for meeting people...

i met my wife on match fwiw, and i am a hideous mutant irl

I met my husband online - not a dating site but a message board, and I lived in New Zealand while he lived in the US, at the time.

Van Horn, can relate to your post. I've been single for the last 7 years with occasional dating and a 10 year relationship prior to all that. I feel like I've mostly acclimatized to being alone or pretending that I can do it on my own while at times doing a piss poor job taking care of myself. Which then reinforces the feeling that I cannot date until I have it more together in life, which feels like a closed loop these days. The last girl I met was in the hospital and I probably should follow up on meeting her as we discussed, but I fluctuate between ambivalence and self-loathing

I am sorry to break topic here, but I'm not doing especially well. As I said, I am on leave from work officially until today. I am supposed to meet with the HR people tomorrow. However, I have had increasing paranoia and auditory stuff and it's been really difficult for me to distinguish between the real thing and the other side. I am realistically in no condition to be attending the meeting tomorrow. I emailed and asked to postpone until next week, which was denied on the grounds that I would need a letter from my doctor extending my absence period. My psychiatrist is currently out indefinitely on sick leave. I suppose if I did attend the meeting completely sketched out and neurotic there's no way that they would clear me to return to work. Although I'm so paranoid about anything they do that I would not be surprised if they made me go back to work with the knowledge that I'm not going in clear headed so they can manipulate the situation into making me perform poorly and terminate me.

Hi Austin, is unemployment medical benefits an option?

Just some clarification, Ausin, because I mean well. It sounds like it would be good to have some extended time off from work, which I suppose you could get alternatively via a doctor's note. I believe mental health is protected under law, so employment status should remain the same. What matters is your well being

I've been single for the last 7 years with occasional dating and a 10 year relationship prior to all that. I feel like I've mostly acclimatized to being alone or pretending that I can do it on my own while at times doing a piss poor job taking care of myself. Which then reinforces the feeling that I cannot date until I have it more together in life, which feels like a closed loop these days.

wow. this is seriously my life right now

though I am taking steps to "have it more together" which right now consists of decluttering my apartment and getting rid of stuff. But sometimes I feel like this is another avoidance strategy.

By any measure it's a better avoidance strategy than, say, playing retro video games or refusing to leave the house.

well yes, I was going to say, it's more productive than getting drunk and watching prestige television

at least i only get drunk or play video games

wow. this is seriously my life right now

same

feel big resonance here. i've been single for so long i can't even tell if it's a bad or good thing. i feel lonely sometimes, but other times i feel sort of thrilled by independence. i have a chronic illness and that prob fuels solipsism even further - it is hard to sync in entirely with others, or to be depended on, or whatever. sometimes i feel lucky, other times i feel envious.

and i have many avoidance strategies, but i'm not sure that there are many other ways to live, for anyone. been meaning to check back in here of late, i've been doing counselling again. as just generally have been feeling a more latent sort of despair the last few months, for no real reason, crying for reasons unknown to me. the more counselling i do the more it's like there's some unknowable core in me.

lately, and this is a separate post or entirely different thing... but a bad thing:

i've been wanting to comment here in the context of "parental depression and what it's really like". my mother has a long-standing nerve condition that affects her feet and general mobility, which she has mostly buried emotionally for many years. she only told the rest of us about it in the last 7/8 years.

it seems to worsen her mental health and make her more angry and depressed, which means my dad (and to a lesser extent the rest of us) deal with the fallout. he's emotionally unequipped to do so, not a particularly sensitive man, but he really is doing his best and i respect his effort. he loves her and he is trying as hard as he can. he says my mother wakes up crying and stuff, or lashes out at him, or behaves hopelessly about doing things, like holidays or even tiny things like a trip out somewhere or whatever. her condition is not yet at the stage where it stops her from daily activities, she seems capable still, so it's quite hard to tell how much of what's happening is anger about the present condition and the past, and how much is fear of a worse future. she refuses to do counselling so angrily that it's prob only been suggested once or twice by me or my sister, maybe my dad. a total no-go.

the net result of all this is odd. my dad is prob more emotionally open than ever as he seeks help from all of us. perversely it means we prob all are closer to him. but the spillover is generally a real problem. at the weekend i visited and mum was highly depressed on the monday, and feeling unwell after doing physiotherapy, she sat at the table head in hands saying nothing, while my dad and i tried to help, tried and failed because there's no way in.

i flew home that day and on the way to the airport my dad said he would be out all day until late and i should phone home that night to ask how mum was, because he wouldn't be around. i didn't that night, i decided to phone the next night, i guess because i was depressed myself and i knew i had no way of actually helping or anything to say. but also because i actually like phoning home and i like speaking to my mum, and i didn't want it to become some chore instigated by my dad.

the next day my dad sent me a text saying he was very disappointed in me not phoning, that kind of thing. i was actually raging about it. i've never spoken directly to him in anger about emotional behaviour but i ended up firing a volley of texts back. i basically told him it's not as if i sit at home all day with no life or problems of my own. i told him he couldn't suddenly want open emotional conversations with his family solely for the purpose of his happiness with mum, when he never asked a thing about any of our emotional states and would change the subject if we ever brought them up, which we don't, because not talking about this stuff is family status quo.

mostly i just thought i don't want phoning my mum to be some emotional legwork, or favour. i do it often and we chat about things and have a close relationship. i really like my parents and we get along well, but the whole thing is this seeping poison. it's like the exact attitude my mum has that's hurting her and keeping her distant is the same fault my dad has and can't see in himself as he blasts me on text about how to talk to mum, having never asked or bothered to gaf about anyone else's mental state his entire life.

anyway tldr - and maybe one for the 'ageing parents' thread, but the whole thing really fucking broke my heart this week.

wow. this is seriously my life right now

same

this was my life a few years ago lol. now 12 years since i was in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months.

Always helps me to get outside

cleaning and going outside definitely help. I guess they reinforce some feeling of control, I appreciate this thread and posters therein immensely