Depression and what it's really like

i know that feeling well too. i often joke about apocalypse and stuff on ilx at least partially because the idea of just ceasing to exist in a flash of nuclear fire is pretty appealing in that it'd allow me to abdicate the responsibility of staying alive without any of the messiness of, uh, choosing the other route

the other reason i joke about stuff on ilx at all is that i enjoy hearing from and interacting with pretty much every poster here and you, nv, are one of my favourites because you're always funny and incisive and open

like colonel poo (who i also enjoy hearing from, and to whom i send best wishes for his wife's ongoing treatment) i don't have anything constructive to say other than hang in there, wait for better days, and know that you're appreciated by this internet stranger right here

good to hear from you dowd
good to hear from everyone itt.

wish myself dead every day, family would be devastated, though. i just totally hate my existence, i'm tired all of the time, i feel stupid and worthless all the time, bills bills motherfucking bills, past mistakes that define me and for which i can never forgive myself, just a constant spiritual slapping, there's nothing out there for me, nothing

That is a tough row Brimstead. Do you have any avenues to seek help or break out of the rut?
I hope you find a way to forgive yourself for past errors - recognising your own mistakes is a sign that you have grown beyond the state of mind in which you made them. Guilt is so corrosive, and has no useful function. But I know these are not things which can be solved by rational argument.
You should post more - packing things into words and shipping them out makes them a more manageable size, or at least finite.

i'm going to counseling once a week but it doesn't seem like enough.

thinking maybe my faking normalcy/contentment/sharpness at work for 40+ hours a week is contributing to my fatigue

thx, matthewK, btw

hi brimmy

just feel like nothing's going to get any better.

(that's a personal statement, not a commentary on the above - sorry, should have been more considerate in my wording)

Hey Brim! Parallel lines!

Brim, Neanderthal,cal, all of you, big hugs

the tide of shit that swells around us every day, fuck it, surviving is as much affirmation as any sane person shd be proud to muster

Yes, I came to the conclusion some time ago that simply choosing to get out of bed in the morning is a brave act worthy of commendation. Because one could certainly be forgiven for taking an honest look at the world and deciding that a blanket cocoon was the preferable option.

Trouble is, cocoon requires money which requires getting out of bed

blanket cocoon only requires money to deal with the cost of removing your bloated rotting corpse after you have starved to death, as well as removing/dealing with your belongings.

the thought of stepping in front of a moving semi-truck brings me more pleasure than it should lately.

I've always had a low opinion of myself, get easily triggered by bullying, and so in situations like the one I'm going through at work now, where I'm basically facing psychological abuse on a daily basis (from mostly one individual in particular), I went from being relatively stoic and confident a few months ago to developing a stammer a few days ago. never in my life have I fumbled words like I was doing.

I view my continued existence as defiance of these fuckers though, so fuck giving anybody the satisfaction of peacing out early.

<3 to all itt

fuck those fuckers

fuck em

Thinking of starving, fasting is another way to get out of depression. Staying in bed is the safest way to stay depressed. In the end it is your choice. There is always a way out. Don't give up.

any rage you feel at those fuckers will work against the major tendencies of depression, so use it to your advantage. they say that in survival situations, the desire for revenge can help keep you alive (see movie: The Revenant for details). :-)

and Colonel Poo, just read this: "I've really struggled with whether I am suffering from clinical depression or just unhappy because I'm such a complete failure of a human being."

<3. it's a devastating feeling. I would say though that the people that generally are failures as human beings are not the ones who sit up at night worrying about it. it's the cruel irony of life.

and much well-wishes upthread to you Ross as well.

oh totally Aimless. I channel rage when I can because it's outwardly focused and it helps. but while it's more empowering than depression, it wears me out. Anger is consuming.

I really just need to learn to emotionally divest from things that I can't control

^ one of life's hardest lessons.

That is the 1st part of the serenity prayer of aa:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

God can fuck right off, imo

You are right i never understood why god was in there. But it does work without god.

It's a good sentiment, I admit

best wishes and hugs to all

Seen a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist in last few weeks. So boring explaining history of my depression, so boring having the depression, so fucking tedious in all ways

*nods agreement*

I am so fucking disillusioned right now. I'm actually tired of my own legit problems and issues to the point where I don't even feel like defending myself anymore.

And, without going into any backstory, I am in need of defense as of late.

Currently on leave of absence from work. The bastards will have to fire me to get rid of me. I can't really afford to lose benefits at this point, but fucking people have no clue how fucking damaging their egos are. It's like some people don't even realize that the rest of us are here and exist and are trying as hard as possible; excuse me that I cannot read minds. Absolute fucking viciously careless.

Paranoia and auditory hallucinations have returned. Was dialed back on seroquel (quetiapine fumarate), now I can't sleep. Was written an "as needed" scrip for xanax (alprazolam) and went through it in a matter of days.

People are not decent. They're not okay. They're not good. They're not empathetic. They are fucking savages motivated by their own sense of made up authority.

(except you lot; you're alright)

I'm sorry dude, that sucks.

That's awful, Austin. Best of luck.

Anyone had experience coming off paroxetine/aropax? I am being recommended this, but am not wanting to go even more mental due to withdrawal side-effects.

Well, some brief Googling reveals its half-life is just about a whole day, which seems like a long time to me. My best educated guess would be to taper very slowly in very small increments.

Sanpaku to thread?

xp - depends on the dosage -- i started feeling it after a day and a half -- there's a weird underwater/dizziness that's the first withdrawal symptom I had

Hey Austin, wish you the best. I took time off from work due to health related problems and when I tried to take medical leave, my employer denied it. So after six years of that toxic place I quit and it was the right decision.

Xpost the renowned brain shivers

Well, the mailman brought semi-good news today, as I received a letter from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in Los Angeles. I am an scheduled next month for an intake interview to open an investigation of my discrimination in the workplace complaint.

I have some time to prepare, but I still feel like I've been in no place mentally as of late to handle it.

Good vibes Austin

And to NV

my people... hold on

thread went to a dark place that mirrored exactly my current mental state/actual state (word for word in a couple of cases) so couldn't bring myself to reopen it. catching up on the thread now to see how everyone's going (hugs to everyone) (had to skim/skip aforementioned chunk of posts for my own wellbeing, sorry) (dowd, you okay?), and posting now because it's 3 am and fuck even trying to sleep. wee-hours destructive thoughts and panic attacks are the worst.

sorry also for self-focused post, am not proud of that but am also not in any reasonable sort of frame at the minute

Shut up, that's what this thread is, love. Love all of youse. Stay strong

That's exactly right, NV. Do not apologize for at least attempting to talk/type yourself through it.

I know I hate letting anyone else into my innermost stuff, but at certain points, you have to let it explode outwards and at least try to send it on its way.

<3 to you AA

^

I'm having a relatively good period at the moment. Occasional drifts into bad thinking but not in the pits of despair.

I don't want to get complacent though. Last week I completely lost it at Boots because they fucked up my wife's prescription and that's now the 3rd month in a row that something has gone wrong, and we've been with that branch of Boots for... 3 months. But I don't feel good about ranting at counter staff when they probably aren't personally to blame. At least I don't have to go back there, I got all our repeat slips off them and registered with this online pharmacy that delivers your prescriptions to you. Probably won't be any good either, knowing how things usually go. But anyway, that showed me I am probably suppressing emotions a bit because I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds.

I went from 0 to YOU FUCKING CUNTS in about 10 seconds

Feel like this is my default setting for the past six months.

Except for it's all directed inwardly.

hugs, Austin. that feeling is suffocating and nobody deserves to go through that.

I've been through a roller coaster of emotions the last few weeks. being home (temporarily) from Puerto Rico (work) has been a nice break, today was an unfortunate setback as I'm about to head back into a hell-week at work again and returning to San Juan.

the thing I hate most is not being present for others like I should be. I would never lie and say I'm the most outgoing, empathetic person alive, but in better times I at least tried to be that way.

on the plus side, been drinking a lot less (except at concerts, see controversial thread) - and that's been helping. with both this and my anxiety, which feeds on alcohol.