Depression and what it's really like

knowing ain't dealing

Had a bit of meltdown today, stress-related, even wrote a rant to this thread but luckily for you guys my laptop crashed and it didn't post.

Would like to echo all comments about going cold-turkey from Prozac - do not do this! (source: 14 years on Prozac)

i've questioned my own diagnosis or self-diagnosis half my life, i think it might be part of the self-doubt and self-dislike that my own version of depression entails.

Very much relate to this. Despite family history of depression, I've really struggled with whether I am suffering from clinical depression or just unhappy because I'm such a complete failure of a human being. I'm mostly functional, rarely go sick from work due to depression, which I think feeds into this thinking. I don't value a GP diagnosis because GPs are generally shit (perhaps it stands for General Poo?) in my experience, and I've never seen a psychologist/iatrist. I think I've mostly accepted that thinking I'm a human void is probably depression talking at this point.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a couple of hours but that's via cancer charity so not really for this although I have told her about having it but it seems a bit awkward to try to crowbar in when I'm not paying her and she's there to help people deal with cancer/relatives with cancer not mental illness. I'm perhaps overly paranoid about therapists. I'm convinced if I try going to one they will be completely useless, with a fake diploma or something. Some kind of fear of getting ripped off/wasting my time. I did try going to one years ago, she was a hypnotherapist, but she couldn't hypnotise me, either because she's crap or I'm just resistant to hypnosis, I don't know, but that experience probably put me off.

Talking of shit GPs, my prescription was due 5 days ago, I went to Boots this morning and they are still waiting for it to come back from the GP, they called the GP and they'd lost it. Still waiting for Boots to call back that they've got it now. I've run out now so I'm fucked if they won't do it. I'm gonna have to go to the GP office in person probably. Fucking cunts.

Plus the nurse just came by to change my wife's bandages and said the GP is refusing to prescribe new ones, because they are cunts. Nurse said she would try to get the hospital to prescribe them. Fucking scum.

Jesus there are some people who carry officiousness into pure evil.

Accidentally pissed somebody off today and got a bad-tempered email which sent my anxiety spinning. Wish I was a real man who didn't give a fuck.

I'm going to have to go back to hospital. It's just getting so bad that I can't be sure I won't kill myself. Hopefully they'll let me admit myself for the weekend, and not try to section me. But either way, I can't put my family through the nonsense I've put them through in the past. I have no idea who will look after Dillon, though...

Hospital should let you admit yourself if you go to emergency. Dowd, wish you the best

Oh, I've voluntarily admitted myself before - but I've also then been threatened with a section when I asked to leave. I don't have much choice either way, I'm afraid.

Yes I've been sectioned as well. I know the feeling.

good luck dowd

<3 dowd best wishes

All the best dowd.

Best wishes dowd

yes definitely <3

Take good care, Dowd! Sending good thoughts.

^^^

yep

Today is World Health Day, the World Health Organization is running an awareness campaign on depression:

http://who.int/campaigns/world-health-day/2017/en/

good luck dowd!

I feel like a simple answer to the question posed by the thread title is '2017'.

Best wishes dowd, hope it goes OK at the hospital.

Best wishes dowd

All the best, dowd. Good vibes to you and your dog too.

Really struggling atm. Think it's come to a point in life where I may need to change everything and start on a new path, but that may mean losing everything. Scared and stressed, going to see a counsellor soon

I'm not happy anymore...I could keep on going down this path but it's just keeping the misery and unhealthy circumstances going

wish i could stare at a point on a wall and have it occupy me forever

http://www.bartleby.com/129/

Colonel Poo wrote:

I've really struggled with whether I am suffering from clinical depression or just unhappy because I'm such a complete failure of a human being.

If you are doing the best you know how to do and still feel mired down, ineffectual, impotent and useless, then it's depression. The real complete failures as human beings feel entirely justified in their failures and react combatively toward people who suggest they might share some of the blame for their failures.

but when you're depressed nothing feels like it's "your best" so eh

it's times like this you learn who your fucking friends are

it's clear now that my life choices were never the problem, it's who i chose to trust

hey now. it can always be both!

but of both, though if i didn't trust arseholes everything wouldn't have gone to shit

Been a hard couple of weeks, but I'm feeling better again now - still down, but no longer suicidal. Just got to keep going.

oh dowd, that's brilliant. thanks for telling us.

So good to hear from you, dowd. You've been in my thoughts.

Well done, dowd! You are a badass.

that feeling when look, I'm not planning, I know I'm not going to actively do myself harm, but the will to cease to exist is so thick your head throbs with it

I know it well. I'm OK at the moment, but I know this is only temporary and I'll be wishing myself dead again soon enough, maybe later today or in a few days if I'm lucky. On the other hand the cease to exist urges are also temporary but it's a lot harder to see that when I'm in the middle of it. Depression sucks.

You're a good person NV. I don't know what else to say because I know it doesn't work on me.

:) thanks

i know that feeling well too. i often joke about apocalypse and stuff on ilx at least partially because the idea of just ceasing to exist in a flash of nuclear fire is pretty appealing in that it'd allow me to abdicate the responsibility of staying alive without any of the messiness of, uh, choosing the other route

the other reason i joke about stuff on ilx at all is that i enjoy hearing from and interacting with pretty much every poster here and you, nv, are one of my favourites because you're always funny and incisive and open

like colonel poo (who i also enjoy hearing from, and to whom i send best wishes for his wife's ongoing treatment) i don't have anything constructive to say other than hang in there, wait for better days, and know that you're appreciated by this internet stranger right here

good to hear from you dowd
good to hear from everyone itt.

wish myself dead every day, family would be devastated, though. i just totally hate my existence, i'm tired all of the time, i feel stupid and worthless all the time, bills bills motherfucking bills, past mistakes that define me and for which i can never forgive myself, just a constant spiritual slapping, there's nothing out there for me, nothing

That is a tough row Brimstead. Do you have any avenues to seek help or break out of the rut?
I hope you find a way to forgive yourself for past errors - recognising your own mistakes is a sign that you have grown beyond the state of mind in which you made them. Guilt is so corrosive, and has no useful function. But I know these are not things which can be solved by rational argument.
You should post more - packing things into words and shipping them out makes them a more manageable size, or at least finite.

i'm going to counseling once a week but it doesn't seem like enough.

thinking maybe my faking normalcy/contentment/sharpness at work for 40+ hours a week is contributing to my fatigue

thx, matthewK, btw

hi brimmy

just feel like nothing's going to get any better.

(that's a personal statement, not a commentary on the above - sorry, should have been more considerate in my wording)

Hey Brim! Parallel lines!

Brim, Neanderthal,cal, all of you, big hugs

the tide of shit that swells around us every day, fuck it, surviving is as much affirmation as any sane person shd be proud to muster