Depression and what it's really like

I've never checked into this thread before because I have never really been comfortable talking about my experiences with this, but here goes:

I was diagnosed with depression and given Prozac in my late 20s after years of erratic moods and behaviour, which finally escalated to including some risky sexual behaviour (thankfully, tests have confirmed that none of the physically harmful things that might have come from this have done so). In the decade since, I have stayed on the medication without really thinking about the effects that it may or may not have been having on me too much. Over the years, I have even come to believe that my twentysomething behaviour may not have even been depression, but rather the residual effects of an adolescence spent in the closet + general twentysomething shitheadedness. I wasn't so convinced of this--or maybe I just didn't care about it enough--to talk to a doctor about going off the Prozac, but on some level I think I didn't really consider myself to be someone who actually suffered from depression, if that makes sense. And I certainly did not discuss it with anyone except my husband, who is pretty much the only person (doctors/pharmacists aside, of course) that I am "out" to on this issue--and yes, I find it appropriate to employ the language of the closet here, as I have spent the last decade of my life disavowing my depression in much the same way that I once spent my teens and quite a bit of my twenties disavowing my queerness.

Recently, through a series of fuckups that involved seeing a new doctor, an improperly-written prescription (actually, two--or rather, the same one twice) and coverage issues, I ended up going without my pills for about a week-and-a-half. I didn't consider this an issue at first, but after a while, I did gradually start to notice some changes in my mood. Even then, I convinced myself that these changes were more likely psychosomatic than anything else--and besides, I don't know (and still don't know) exactly how long Prozac has to be in or out of your system in order for changes to occur. Also, I am in the middle of finishing up a reading course while at the same time preparing for a comprehensive exam for my PhD, so I am unusually stressed at the moment, to the point that I wouldn't necessarily take any of my current moods or emotions as representative of my normal ones. But, after a weekend that has included bouts of wall-staring, upsetting dreams (is this a symptom of depression? I don't usually have these, anyway), listless indifference to all of the work that I have to get done, I'm starting to finally to realize that, hey, this might actually be a real thing.

The breaking point occurred this morning when I noticed a ticket on our car from our condo board. We had gotten a flat tire a few days ago, but as I am busy doing all that I have to do (or should be doing, anyway) and my husband is busy in the final stages of his MA thesis, we haven't had time to take care of the tire yet. But, the ticket they left us was for "illegal parking" and included a note about having our car towed if we don't have it repaired (the parking spot is assigned to us, and our parking pass is clearly visible in the car window; what the fuck do they care if our tire is flat?). Annoying, yes--and part of an ongoing history of harassment from our condo board which is a separate issue--but I stormed into the house in an absolute rage over it (this is very unusual behaviour for me) and was about to call the condo board screaming and swearing at them, until my husband took the phone out of my hand, lest I give the board reason to further harass us. So yeah, my first angry meltdown since I dunno when all but confirms that something serious is going on here.

The good news is that, yesterday, after visiting the pharmacy for the fourth time in a week over this ongoing fuckup, the pharmacist gave me a weekend's supply of pills to get me back on them until the issue is sorted out. Again, I don't know how long you have to be (back) on these for them to regulate things again, but at least I'm back on them. But beyond that, I came out of this experience, I think, finally willing to acknowledge that I am, in fact, part of a community of people who live with depression. I'm willing to consider that a positive step.

quick thought, aside from offering good thoughts and love, is that if you cut off Prozac cold turkey without a long taper that alone can make you feel very, very ill and is highly not recommended, irrespective of the underlying reality of depression

Good point, thanks. Another reason I will never be so irresponsible as to neglect this again.

i've questioned my own diagnosis or self-diagnosis half my life, i think it might be part of the self-doubt and self-dislike that my own version of depression entails. in the end, it's a nebulous construct that you can't separate from your own life experiences - my bottom line i guess is that people qualified to diagnose it have told me i have it. how i feel about that is up to me, and my attitude changes with the seasons.

Also possible. For me, a possible other thing is hearing about other people's experiences, and measuring them against mine, which generally leaves me feeling like my issues were nbd, but of course I realize that this is not the way anything works.

yeah if you went cold turkey off the prozac, there's no way to tell if this is withdrawal from the meds or your naturally unmedicated state. it's totally shit when drs etc let something like that happen.

does anybody here listen to a podcast called The Hilarious World of Depression? John Moe hosts it and each episode he talks to a different comedian about their depression. I've only listened to a few so far, but i like it. the maria bamford one was particularly interesting, relatable and funny.

Is it worth going back into therapy if I know WHY I have gone into my recent emotional tailspin? Right this minute I can't see myself saying to my old therapist "I'm mad at my mother because X, and I keep saying I need to do Y, but I haven't, because REASONS."

knowing ain't dealing

Had a bit of meltdown today, stress-related, even wrote a rant to this thread but luckily for you guys my laptop crashed and it didn't post.

Would like to echo all comments about going cold-turkey from Prozac - do not do this! (source: 14 years on Prozac)

i've questioned my own diagnosis or self-diagnosis half my life, i think it might be part of the self-doubt and self-dislike that my own version of depression entails.

Very much relate to this. Despite family history of depression, I've really struggled with whether I am suffering from clinical depression or just unhappy because I'm such a complete failure of a human being. I'm mostly functional, rarely go sick from work due to depression, which I think feeds into this thinking. I don't value a GP diagnosis because GPs are generally shit (perhaps it stands for General Poo?) in my experience, and I've never seen a psychologist/iatrist. I think I've mostly accepted that thinking I'm a human void is probably depression talking at this point.

I have an appointment with a counsellor in a couple of hours but that's via cancer charity so not really for this although I have told her about having it but it seems a bit awkward to try to crowbar in when I'm not paying her and she's there to help people deal with cancer/relatives with cancer not mental illness. I'm perhaps overly paranoid about therapists. I'm convinced if I try going to one they will be completely useless, with a fake diploma or something. Some kind of fear of getting ripped off/wasting my time. I did try going to one years ago, she was a hypnotherapist, but she couldn't hypnotise me, either because she's crap or I'm just resistant to hypnosis, I don't know, but that experience probably put me off.

Talking of shit GPs, my prescription was due 5 days ago, I went to Boots this morning and they are still waiting for it to come back from the GP, they called the GP and they'd lost it. Still waiting for Boots to call back that they've got it now. I've run out now so I'm fucked if they won't do it. I'm gonna have to go to the GP office in person probably. Fucking cunts.

Plus the nurse just came by to change my wife's bandages and said the GP is refusing to prescribe new ones, because they are cunts. Nurse said she would try to get the hospital to prescribe them. Fucking scum.

Jesus there are some people who carry officiousness into pure evil.

Accidentally pissed somebody off today and got a bad-tempered email which sent my anxiety spinning. Wish I was a real man who didn't give a fuck.

I'm going to have to go back to hospital. It's just getting so bad that I can't be sure I won't kill myself. Hopefully they'll let me admit myself for the weekend, and not try to section me. But either way, I can't put my family through the nonsense I've put them through in the past. I have no idea who will look after Dillon, though...

Hospital should let you admit yourself if you go to emergency. Dowd, wish you the best

Oh, I've voluntarily admitted myself before - but I've also then been threatened with a section when I asked to leave. I don't have much choice either way, I'm afraid.

Yes I've been sectioned as well. I know the feeling.

good luck dowd

<3 dowd best wishes

All the best dowd.

Best wishes dowd

yes definitely <3

Take good care, Dowd! Sending good thoughts.

^^^

yep

Today is World Health Day, the World Health Organization is running an awareness campaign on depression:

http://who.int/campaigns/world-health-day/2017/en/

good luck dowd!

I feel like a simple answer to the question posed by the thread title is '2017'.

Best wishes dowd, hope it goes OK at the hospital.

Best wishes dowd

All the best, dowd. Good vibes to you and your dog too.

Really struggling atm. Think it's come to a point in life where I may need to change everything and start on a new path, but that may mean losing everything. Scared and stressed, going to see a counsellor soon

I'm not happy anymore...I could keep on going down this path but it's just keeping the misery and unhealthy circumstances going

wish i could stare at a point on a wall and have it occupy me forever

http://www.bartleby.com/129/

Colonel Poo wrote:

I've really struggled with whether I am suffering from clinical depression or just unhappy because I'm such a complete failure of a human being.

If you are doing the best you know how to do and still feel mired down, ineffectual, impotent and useless, then it's depression. The real complete failures as human beings feel entirely justified in their failures and react combatively toward people who suggest they might share some of the blame for their failures.

but when you're depressed nothing feels like it's "your best" so eh

it's times like this you learn who your fucking friends are

it's clear now that my life choices were never the problem, it's who i chose to trust

hey now. it can always be both!

but of both, though if i didn't trust arseholes everything wouldn't have gone to shit

Been a hard couple of weeks, but I'm feeling better again now - still down, but no longer suicidal. Just got to keep going.

oh dowd, that's brilliant. thanks for telling us.

So good to hear from you, dowd. You've been in my thoughts.

Well done, dowd! You are a badass.

that feeling when look, I'm not planning, I know I'm not going to actively do myself harm, but the will to cease to exist is so thick your head throbs with it

I know it well. I'm OK at the moment, but I know this is only temporary and I'll be wishing myself dead again soon enough, maybe later today or in a few days if I'm lucky. On the other hand the cease to exist urges are also temporary but it's a lot harder to see that when I'm in the middle of it. Depression sucks.

You're a good person NV. I don't know what else to say because I know it doesn't work on me.

:) thanks

i know that feeling well too. i often joke about apocalypse and stuff on ilx at least partially because the idea of just ceasing to exist in a flash of nuclear fire is pretty appealing in that it'd allow me to abdicate the responsibility of staying alive without any of the messiness of, uh, choosing the other route

the other reason i joke about stuff on ilx at all is that i enjoy hearing from and interacting with pretty much every poster here and you, nv, are one of my favourites because you're always funny and incisive and open

like colonel poo (who i also enjoy hearing from, and to whom i send best wishes for his wife's ongoing treatment) i don't have anything constructive to say other than hang in there, wait for better days, and know that you're appreciated by this internet stranger right here

good to hear from you dowd
good to hear from everyone itt.

wish myself dead every day, family would be devastated, though. i just totally hate my existence, i'm tired all of the time, i feel stupid and worthless all the time, bills bills motherfucking bills, past mistakes that define me and for which i can never forgive myself, just a constant spiritual slapping, there's nothing out there for me, nothing

That is a tough row Brimstead. Do you have any avenues to seek help or break out of the rut?
I hope you find a way to forgive yourself for past errors - recognising your own mistakes is a sign that you have grown beyond the state of mind in which you made them. Guilt is so corrosive, and has no useful function. But I know these are not things which can be solved by rational argument.
You should post more - packing things into words and shipping them out makes them a more manageable size, or at least finite.