Worst sounding band in this blogger's list of '5 unique metal bands you should be listening to'

most of the folk metal scene is novelty metal about drinking beer

worked with a dude who was a fan of alestorm

he was in IT, wasn't he?

I just listened to some Van Canto and there's clearly some skill involved, but it feels like your friend showing you the amazing watercolour she just painted of a branch of Poundland - you admire the craft, you just wonder why she bothered.

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feuerschwanz by a stucker

I've heard Van Canto but Girl with Curious Hair on the money. it's not bad, and I don't hate "a capella" groups the way the rest of ILX seems to, but why the fuck would I want to listen to it

Alestorm are awful.
I can't say whether I've heard Amaranthe or not, but I've heard enough "prom dress metal" to hazard a guess as to their sound. I bet they're not as good as Battle Beast, but that's cause Battle Beast are legitimately awesome.
Van Canto are kind of gasp-in-disbelief hilarious, but the gimmick wears thin really fast.
Don't know anything about the other two, but I don't listen to Russian bands generally, and "comedy" metal bands are usually so awful I want to kill not only the members, but their families and anyone who's ever expressed a favorable word about them (cf. Steel Panther).

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Blackthorn are pretty decent, and apart from some lol women in a metal band factor are no more a comedy/novelty act than Dimmu Borgir or Emperor.