Depression and what it's really like

ayyyyup

stupid three-day weekend. and i was gonna take next friday off too. my house is cleaner but my brain is worse off.

Can anyone give advice on this one:

History of depression/bipolar here, but currently some nice things are going on in life. It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time? It's like the black dog of depression is always around the corner. Perhaps I'm just too cynical.

Nah, the black dog of depression is always around the corner. Take advantage of your current state of health to arrange care you've been putting off, establish habits that will serve you if things get harder, that sort of thing. It is, in my experience, hard to live in the moment by ~trying to live in the moment~. Do as much living as you can stand and the inner monologue will recede now and then.

Cheers Silby, appreciated.

if worry/dread takes over I try to find something more benign and intentionally fixate on it - thus shoving out the other things I was previously worrying about and replacing w/ something I can better control. not foolproof mind you but it's worked in recent weeks.

It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time?

think about eventual death, then back away from that thought.

death, the only solution

really not the thread I expected to see Slayer lyrics

agree w/ sarahell though - if you start with it as the worst outcome, then walk backwards to more likely outcomes, and embrace that no matter what happens, large parts of it are beyond your control, it becomes easier. horrible things can happen to you any moment of your life, it's just important not to live as if you're anticipating it (not a criticism - I deal w/ that all the time w/ my anxiety)

It's great advice to think of things that way, sarahell. The sitch is I've met someone who I really appreciate and I'm basically trying to take it easy as possible and keep an objective distance.

a relationship-type someone?

potentially, but just starting to hang out and having an awesome time..

It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time?

― Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 13:43 (three days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

acceptance & commitment therapy has been helping me tremendously. it combines standard cbt with mindfulness and personal values, and is the first technique that's ever had any lasting impact on me.

it turns out my depression is a side-effect of anxiety, which could be what you're facing too.

I'm very inwardly anxious, but I'm really okay with talking to people and making friends. This link seems like it will help to quiet the self defeating thoughts and voices.

Autumn Almanac - Have you been reading online or taking courses as well?

mainly working through it with a psychologist. seems i've got 30+ years of backed-up anxiety to flush out.

Wishing you the best Autumn Almanac

you too ross. identifying the real problem is one step (that one has taken me decades, after several misdiagnoses); implementing strategies is another massive step that's much harder than it sounds. knowing what to do is a mile away from doing it and making it work.

i... might not be making a lot of sense

That makes sense :) i've been misdiagnosed as well and it can be difficult because sometimes you think your life is on one track, but it's really going sideways. In theory I know I'm far away from the episode I had 6 years ago, but I know I'm not 100% and know there's deeper issues that are still unresolved

and problems that aren't totally identified and actively addressed

i've been misdiagnosed as well and it can be difficult because sometimes you think your life is on one track, but it's really going sideways.

oh hell yeah. so much of this over the years. it was such a pleasure to hear my new psychologist say "the problem is this" in the very first session and for it to be accurate, because i fully understand what i'm working with now.

^ That sounds awesome and pro-active. :-)

it really is, but the current step (which is snagged on rocks) is using the strategies i've learnt. not to go into detail but i'm sort of paralysed atm.

i learned recently that i was on Digoxin for many of my teenage years. i read the side effects list and it all sounded very familiar. it was one of the main reasons i was so depressed back then. now i don't take anything and have a really cool cat and i feel like i have finally found a way to avoid getting depressed.

Thanks for the link autumn almanac.

that link is one of many regarding act, and doesn't include the thoughts & feelings management techniques that help you deal with shit in a way that aligns with your values (not just willy nilly). your values function as a motivator and a set of goals, which is why it's working so well for me.

now i don't take anything and have a really cool cat

it's fascinating how persevering with a drug/treatment/technique which makes the problem worse can be so insidious. i've experienced that in not-depression-related areas: it's wonderful when you identify it as the problem and remove it, rather than throwing more and more things at the symptoms.

the really cool cat technique is one i've not tried but will consider tbh

it's fascinating how persevering with a drug/treatment/technique which makes the problem worse can be so insidious. i've experienced that in not-depression-related areas: it's wonderful when you identify it as the problem and remove it, rather than throwing more and more things at the symptoms.

― Autumn Almanac

well, the whole "if i stop taking this i might die" is a very real fear :(

otm

What's helped me, I've found, is to ruthlessly tear apart the fabric of "reality" and re-create your life with your own hands. A sort-of self-administered baptism in the image of your own making and desire. Why the hell not, right?

the really cool cat technique is one i've not tried but will consider tbh

'what will become of beloved kitty' is totally an extra layer for me

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/02/how-depression-has-and-hasnt-become-normalized.html

But greater acceptance of the medical model of depression — which has been the cornerstone of anti-stigma programming since World War II — isn’t necessarily correlated with lower levels of stigma. “This idea had a backlash effect,” says Pescosolido. “Moving to this medical belief hasn’t had the effect we hoped for.” It can make depression seem intractable — and if it’s inherited, it can be passed down to future generations. “People say, ‘I don’t want that person marrying into the family, because I don’t want my grandchildren to have depression.’”

Life has become so boring for me. I'm sick of working hard. I'm sick of working office corporate jobs going BLRURRRR EFFICIENCY. PROFESSIONALISM. SKILL. While my dumbass middle manager gobbles up all the credit and money.

Last time I had fun was when I was in law school dropping LSD in New York City with insane California trust fund girls and causing mayhem around town. I suck at trying to live a normal life.

Everyone's got their dumb families and kids, and I can't have that. Nobody to have crazy, weird adventures with anymore. This blows! DURRR WORK JOB GO HOME WIPE KIDS ASS. What the hell is that? I feel like an animal.

With a family you wouldn't be able to have those crazy adventures. Also, most of my adventures I started them alone and made friends on the way.

Maybe life ain't over yet. I just feel like I have tons of energy still... I'm 34 and I still have the same nuclear fusion energy I had in my teens and 20s. That hasn't gone away. But all the other people my age I know are slowing down, settling down, and I feel way out of place, the lives of my peers make me want to bash my head into a wall. I really don't know what the hell to do.

Younger friends! U&K, especially for folks whose generational peer group have largely moved into kid-raising. Partner and I are 40-something and child-free-by-choice; our crew is primarily younger + same age but CFBC + older with adult children. All up for spontaneity, adventures, etc.

Yeah. Maybe I need to stop trying to live the "normal life" that I dreamed of as a kid, because I don't think it fits my temperament at all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I've tried to settle down and be "chill", but life was so much more fun when I was a rascal. Maybe there's a more adult version of that. I have no idea. I've gotta do something, though, because trying to live this 9-5 office life S.U.C.K.S. I still feel like the fucking Kool-Aid man smashing through walls everywhere, while everyone my age is married with kids telling me to shut the fuck up. I don't know how they do it.

Work is so boring!!!!!!! When I try to make things interesting for myself it bugs everyone in the office out. Even in my legal work when I tried to go above and beyond to make things interesting for myself, my superiors would get pissed because I'd win cases they said nobody could win. Maybe I need to start my own business or something. Or find jobs that appreciate my personality. I don't know. Drinking beers and farting around on the internet on Friday nights ranting probably isn't a great answer regardless.

i was talking to my boss yesterday, about how i'm going to see a 'holistic nutritionist' this weekend because i'm terrible at eating like a healthy fucking adult, and how my depression plays into that. so she starts lecturing me on the types of foods i should be eating, and how i should be doing this and that and the other... so i tried explaining to her how depression works, and that i actually know a lot about nutrition, but most of the time i literally CAN NOT make myself do what's right for me. and so she's all 'yeah but you just have to DO IT'. so i fruitlessly continue to explain how that's the difference between someone with clinical depression and a 'normal' person - a normal person can be like 'ugh i don't want to do this thing but fine i'll do it ugh', whereas depression often means that you just... can't. and that it can't be explained beyond that. you just can't fucking do some things sometimes.

her response was 'but then it's a self fulfilling prophecy' - no shit, sherlock!! and then followed up with a story about how she understands depression - "everyone understands depression!" - because she was depressed at the start of her recent month-long vacation because her good friend wasn't there. at that point, i just gave up. she doesn't get that just bc i don't show up to work looking all doomy and gloomy, it doesn't mean in my head i'm not thinking about swallowing a bottle of klonopin and jumping off a bridge.

my life is better than it's ever been, but my suicidal thoughts are worse than they've ever been. i think it's bc suicide used to feel like a nice little comforting thought in the back of my mind - like, if things get really bad, i don't have to stick around. but now that's not an option at all bc i know it would absolutely ruin my husband. honestly, i could easily peace-out on everyone else in my life, knowing that they'd all be fine, but i can't fucking stand the thought of what it would do to my husb. but fucking hell, i'm so tired of feeling inferior to everyone else bc simple every day things feel like mt everest to me.

this is all TMI and poor-me-and-my-wonderful-life, but my BFF whom i would normally vent all this to is going through a really rough time and worries about my mental health enough as it is.

i'm just so tired of this shit.

ppl like yr boss make it impossible to talk abt depression honestly, they are the worst

i have never been through anything like what u are living with, but yeah i seriously dont get how anyone could think it could all be solved by some rando dropping mundane "truth bombs". stfu & be sympathetic, stupid boss lady

that's the difference between someone with clinical depression and a 'normal' person - a normal person can be like 'ugh i don't want to do this thing but fine i'll do it ugh', whereas depression often means that you just... can't. and that it can't be explained beyond that. you just can't fucking do some things sometimes.

so otm

It is. You can fight it for a while, but eventually the inexplicable impossibility eclipses everything else, at which point there's nothing left and no way way out.

^ Okay, this is not true. Just feels that way on bad days.

Well done on trying to find connections between things you are struggling with and trying to find something that will help Justine. I wish I had your courage to do something like that.

my life is better than it's ever been, but my suicidal thoughts are worse than they've ever been

it seems like once you've got into the habit of thinking about suicide, even if always in an abstract way, it's a place your thoughts are wont to go quite quickly. so much of my self-destructive thinking seems like a learned pattern, a way of quickly controlling an uncertain situation by turning it into dread/that huge nothing. I have generally been a lot happier lately, even telling a few people 'I think this is the happiest I've ever been!', like I'm willing it to be true, willing myself to have made a breakthrough, but it's still so fragile and I'm still full of these awful mental habits and compulsions to escalate and feel hopeless. I think I'm more aware of the underlying patterns now and I've got a lot better at realising when I'm losing it and being able to say 'ok you can ignore every thought you're going to have for the rest of the day bc none of it's going to be legit' (which sounds so stupid but has helped me more than anything, realising that my thoughts are total shit that should not be indulged, like flipping a switch, treating myself like I'm hungover), but I'm seeing how much of this sort of thinking there is in my life, about all sorts of things. anyway, I'm trying to give up despair for lent, feels good so far

ppl like yr boss make it impossible to talk abt depression honestly, they are the worst

― Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl)

i hate having to lie about my depression. i hate having to come up with bullshit excuses about why i didn't do such and such a (unimportant, optional) thing, hate having to fake mysterious stomach ailments. some days that's the worst thing about depression for me, having to pretend it's not there because other people are fucking idiots who can't deal with the idea that some people are depressed.

Got my PIP assessment tomorrow. I'm already having a bad time, last thing I need is a physio with 2 weeks training telling me I'm fine.