100 Funny Bob Dylan Moments

x-post What's funny is that it references at least one then-unreleased track ("Lion's Den") and then one that Springsteen didn't write ("Jersey Girl").

Love that song. Always wondered about Dylan's personal relationship with Springsteen.

68. Bob Dylan's 115th Dream

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, "Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline"
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

"I think I'll call it America"
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, "Let's set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads"
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin' harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don't even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, "Ban the bums"
I jumped right into line
Sayin', "I hope that I'm not late"
When I realized I hadn't eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin' for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
"Could you please make that crepe"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin' fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn't mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, "Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way"
The man says, "Get out of here
I'll tear you limb from limb"
I said, "You know they refused Jesus, too"
He said, "You're not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain't your pop"
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, "Fab"
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, "Call me if they die"
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin' to make a stab
At bringin' back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin' ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, "Captain Kidd"
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin' the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin'
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, "Good luck."

They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants

The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly
Saying, "Death to all those who would whimper and cry"
And dropping a bar bell he points to the sky
Saving, "The sun's not yellow it's chicken"

69.
It must be a holiday, there's nobody around
She studies me closely as I sit down
She got a pretty face and long white shiny legs
She says, "What'll it be?"
I say, "I don't know, you got any soft boiled eggs?"

She looks at me, Says "I'd bring you some
but we're out of 'm, you picked the wrong time to come"
Then she says, "I know you're an artist, draw a picture of me!"
I say, "I would if I could, but,
I don't do sketches from memory."

"Well", she says, "I'm right here in front of you, or haven't you looked?"
I say," all right, I know, but I don't have my drawing book!"
She gives me a napkin, she says, "you can do it on that"
I say, "yes I could but,
I don't know where my pencil is at!"

She pulls one out from behind her ear
She says "all right now, go ahead, draw me, I'm standing right here"
I make a few lines, and I show it for her to see
Well she takes a napkin and throws it back
And says "that don't look a thing like me!"

I said, "Oh, kind miss, it most certainly does"
She says, "you must be jokin.'" I say, "I wish I was!"
Then she says, "you don't read women authors, do you?"
Least that's what I think I hear her say,
"Well", I say, "how would you know and what would it matter anyway?"

"Well", she says, "you just don't seem like you do!"
I said, "you're way wrong."
She says, "which ones have you read then?" I say, "I read Erica Jong!"
She goes away for a minute and I slide up out of my chair
I step outside back to the busy street, but nobody's going anywhere

that was 25

70.

Reporter circa 1966: How many other folk singers are there?
Dylan: 134.

sorry dude!

71. I got a cravin' love for blazing speed
Got a hopped up Mustang Ford
Jump into the wagon, love, throw your panties overboard

72. The liner notes for Planet Waves, esp.

"Furious gals with garters & Smeared Lips
on bar stools that stank from sweating
pussy - doing the Hula - perfect,
priests in OVERhauls, glassy eyed,
Insomnia! Space guys off duty with
big dicks & ducktails All wired up &
voting for Eisenhower, waving flags &
jumping off of fire engines, getting
killed on motorcycles whatever -"

http://theband.hiof.no/albums/ln_planet_waves.html

73. Heck, his liner notes for the New World Singers:

"Bob Cohen's quiet - I first seen him at a City College folksong hall an' thought he was some sort of a Spanish gypsy by the way he wore his sideburns an' moustache an' eyebrows - but he didn't talk so I couldn't tell - I must a sat an hour next to him waitin' to hear some gypsy language - he never said a word - he laughed a few times but all folks no matter what race laughs in the same tongue - I seen him sing later that night an' it didn't bother my thoughts no more as to if he was gypsy or gigolo - he tol' me more about my new world in that ten minutes time than the pop radio station did all that week." And so on.

Basically, we can quote every lyric he penned for the Wilburys.

74. From his theme time radio show about nothing. "Nothing is usually the best thing to do, and always the smart thing to say."

75. Also from the radio show, on baseball: "This is a song from Damn Yankees--and I don't mean that band with Ted Nugent and those guys from Styx."

That's "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" --and they are-- from the film "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" --and they do.

77. Singing "Froggie Went a Courtin'", but singing it like Gonzo the Great not Kermit

78." I got shoved down 'n' pushed around,
All I could hear there was a screamin' sound,
Don't remember one thing more,
Just remember walkin' up on a little shore,
Head busted, stomach cracked,
Feet splintered, I was bald, naked. . .
Quite lucky to be alive though."

79. "Well, the comic book and me, just us, we caught the bus.
The poor little chauffeur, though, she was back in bed
On the very next day, with a nose full of pus.
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread"

80. all of "tombstone blues," obv., but the first two stanzas used to go through my head a lot when i was covering city council meetings and the like:

The sweet pretty things are in bed now of course
The city fathers they're trying to endorse
The reincarnation of Paul Revere's horse
But the town has no need to be nervous

The ghost of Belle Starr she hands down her wits
To Jezebel the nun she violently knits
A bald wig for Jack the Ripper who sits
At the head of the chamber of commerce

81. "You may be workin' in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair,
You may be somebody's mistress, may be somebody's heir"

The Basement Tapes sure are fertile ground for this sort of thing.

82. Last night, 'cross the alley, there was a pounding on the wall
It must have been Don Pasquale making a 2 a.m. booty call

83. What's the lightbulb for?

Oh, I usually carry a lightbulb.

84. And you know there was somethin about you baby that I liked that was always too good for this world ... Just like you always said there was something about me you liked that I left behind in the french quarter.

Brownsville Girl is full of these. Underrated record as well.

85. Well, they were looking for somebody with a pompadour.
I was crossin' the street when shots rang out.
I didn't know whether to duck or to run, so I ran.

Aw man I'd clicked to post lyrics to "115th Dream," but I'd been beat to it.

Instead this one from "Tombstone Blues":

Screaming she moans, "I've just been made"
Then sends out for the doctor who pulls down the shade
Says, "My advice is to not let the boys in"

Ouch. Ok, thanks, Doc! Asshole.

Maybe it's not so "ha ha" funny. But it's funny.

86.Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a gypsy queen,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle all dressed in green,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle 'til the moon is blue,
Wiggle 'til the moon sees you.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle in your boots and shoes,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you got nothing to lose,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, like a swarm of bees,
Wiggle on your hands and knees.

Wiggle to the front, wiggle to the rear,
Wiggle 'til you wiggle right out of here,
Wiggle 'til it opens, wiggle 'til it shuts,
Wiggle 'til it bites, wiggle 'til it cuts.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a bowl of soup,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a rolling hoop,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a ton of lead,
Wiggle - you can raise the dead.

Wiggle 'til you're high, wiggle 'til you're higher,
Wiggle 'til you vomit fire,
Wiggle 'til it whispers, wiggle 'til it hums,
Wiggle 'til it answers, wiggle 'til it comes.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like satin and silk,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a pail of milk,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, rattle and shake,
Wiggle like a big fat snake.

87.
They say I shot a man named Gray and took his wife to Italy,
She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me.
I can't help it if I'm lucky.

one thing about a lot of these lines i think is they're the unreliable-narrator side of dylan. which imo has always been the better dylan. when he's head-on, either in early protest mode or later christian mode or still-later moody-moony mode, he's often either too much or too little (or both at the same time). he's at his best coming at things from the side, where it's not always clear where the ricochet is going until it's gone. he's a great bank-shot lyricist.

88. "There didn’t seem to be any general consensus among my listeners. Some people preferred my first period songs. Some, the second. Some, the Christian period. Some, the post Colombian. Some, the Pre-Raphaelite. Some people prefer my songs from the nineties. I see that my audience now doesn’t particular care what period the songs are from. They feel style and substance in a more visceral way and let it go at that. Images don’t hang anybody up. Like if there’s an astrologer with a criminal record in one of my songs it’s not going to make anybody wonder if the human race is doomed."

Dylan otm.

89. "We got an e-mail here from Johnny Depp from Paris, France, who wants to know: 'Who was the father of modern communism?' Well, Johnny, Karl Marx was the father of modern communism. He also fathered seven children, four of whom survived to adulthood. His only son, Frederick Demuth, was illegitimate. I wonder if he calls his daddy on Father's Day."

omg

Source plz

(That one was from an episode of Theme Time Radio Hour.)

90. "He saw an animal as smooth as glass
Slithering his way through the grass
Saw him disappear by a tree near a lake..." [End of song.]

(Also I love the theory that the snake is the one who subsequently shows up at the end of "Wiggle Wiggle," ten years later.)

I seriously don't know how much he's kidding about "pre-Raphaelite" Dylan.

91.
He went to get the hangin' judge but the hangin' judge was drunk
As the leading actor hurried by the costume of a monk

91.
I went to the wedding of Mary-Lou
She said "I don't want nobody see me talkin' to you"
Said she could get killed if she told me what she knew
About dignity

...[some unfunny verses]...

Met Prince Phillip at the home of the blues
Said he'd give me information if his name wasn't used
He wanted money up front, said he was abused
By dignity

(er, 91. and 92.)

(Too late to be typing.
"As the leading actor hurried by in the costume of a monk")

Met Prince Phillip at the home of the blues HOUSE OF BLUES

Then had burgers at the Hard Rock Cafe nearby.

So House of blues does bad burgers?

93. the "World's Greatest Grandpa" bumper sticker he purchases in Chronicles Volume One

(less ha-ha funny than endearing-funny, if that makes sense)

94. Handy dandy, if every bone in his body was broken he would never admit it
He got an all girl orchestra and when he says strike up the band, they hit it

96.
PLAYBOY: Mistake or not, what made you decide to go the rock-'n'-roll route?

DYLAN: Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking. The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a delivery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this 13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house down. The delivery boy - he ain't so mild: He gives her the knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a carburetor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move in with a high school teacher who also does a little plumbing on the side, who ain't much to look at, but who's built a special kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce. Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down, and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me if I wanted to be a star. What could I say?

PLAYBOY: And that's how you became a rock-'n'-roll singer?

DYLAN: No, that's how I got tuberculosis.

Good one, though #96 = #6.

haha, my bad ... here's another good one from the same interview

DYLAN: The thing that most people don't realize is that it's warmer to have long hair. Everybody wants to be warm. People with short hair freeze easily. Then they try to hide their coldness, and they get jealous of everybody that's warm. Then they become either barbers or Congressmen. A lot of prison wardens have short hair. Have you ever noticed that Abraham Lincoln's hair was much longer than John Wilkes Booth's?

PLAYBOY: Do you think Lincoln wore his hair long to keep his head warm?

DYLAN: Actually, I think it was for medical reasons, which are none of my business.

97. "See the primitive wallflower freeze
When the jelly-faced women all sneeze
Hear the one with the mustache say, "Jeeze
I can't find my knees""