Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

love you, rev

also en i am v psyched about what's happening in your life, as much as the environment that pushed you toward making these decisions is awful. i felt similarly motivated after the election though i had the simultaneously feeling of "oh i think i might need to stop doing this (doing this = being...myself?) in order to survive"

<3 Really glad you're in a good place these days, rev. Estrogen's effects feel glacially slow in arriving at times, but they've been massively helpful to me in terms of emotional stability. I'm happy that it's been a good process for you too.

Omg rev I knew there was a reason I felt a bit of a kinship with you when I was lurking in old ilx days! Congrats!

And thanks to everyone for well wishes, I'm definitely in the baby trans stage where any affirmation means a ton, so it's especially appreciated.

And bn, that's a almost exactly word for word a thought process I went through the day after.

rev, glad you're happier. en, I'm sure you'll be the same fine person we have always known, but more so!

didn't know that latest news rev, much love, hope things continue to be amazing

<3 to all of you

Omg rev I knew there was a reason I felt a bit of a kinship with you when I was lurking in old ilx days! Congrats!

― ENERGY FOOD (en i see kay), Tuesday, December 13, 2016 10:11 AM (five hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh gosh I wasn't even out as queer when I first joined ILX. Much love to you bbg!

<3 Really glad you're in a good place these days, rev. Estrogen's effects feel glacially slow in arriving at times, but they've been massively helpful to me in terms of emotional stability. I'm happy that it's been a good process for you too.

― one way street, Tuesday, December 13, 2016 9:02 AM (seven hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yeah, I feel so much more emotionally intelligent now and less prone to depression. It feels like my brain has been completely rewired. The physical changes have been nice, I guess my breasts are the most obvious, but also my face has rounded out a bit, my butt and thighs have filled out, and I was told my neck and arms look more feminine although I can't really see that one myself. There's other stuff too that I don't really feel comfortable going into in front of cis eyes. But all of that feels tiny in comparison to the mental changes.

In order: got drunk and came out to friend visiting for NYE, got drunk and came out to ex, have had tentative discussions with current gf, made appointment for therapist through school

<3

Congratulations!

oh wow congrats

Big steps, impressed!

Telly! Rad! Coming out is so fkn hard! Congratulations! Mozel Tov! More exclamations!

Yay!! wtg TT

:D

<3

I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday and I'd really like to write down some of the things I want to talk about, with the opportunity to hear from people who have been through this stuff, but I am so nervous about opening up a so-far completely hidden aspect of my life.

Like I've only ever shared with two people -- my wife and my psychiatrist -- and I'm not only afraid of talking with other people about it, but of what it might mean for my future life.

I have been gender-questioning/ -curious since I was probably 3 or 4 but always, always hid it. A few years after we were married I came out as -- transgender? a crossdresser? questioning? -- to my wife and for a couple of years was able to live more or less nonbinary at home. Then I purged and suppressed and -- coincidentally? -- started being treated for depression shortly thereafter. Now I can't suppress it anymore, and I've talked about it with my wife and my shrink. My wife has asked me outright if I want to transition and I literally don't have an answer. I've barely ever in my life presented outside the house as female, but I hate presenting as my birth gender.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to show support and say that I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you and that I hope the new therapist helps you start exploring/figuring this really complicated but important stuff out. ❤️

Thanks. I am really terrified by what this could mean moving forward, for my life, my career, my relationships, everything. But I have to find out who I am and what this has all meant over my life.

You have the right priorities and I wish you well.

Anyone who has been through this kind of thing, how do you KNOW? Like really know?

There's a story my family likes to tell about when I was 3 and my sister was 5, when she did a bunch of things like painting my nails, putting barettes in my hair, etc. My family likes to mention how I upset I was, but if you look at the pictures they took, I'm smiling. Because I asked her to do it - I wanted to look pretty. I never really understood why boys and girls wore different things and why I couldn't dress like all the girls.

By junior high I was really asking myself if I was born wrong. I wasn't allowed to wear what I really wanted, but used to constantly imagine what it would be like if I could. From 7th to 11th grade, every opportunity I had -- when I was home alone, when I had a lock on my bedroom door -- I would "borrow" clothes, makeup, jewelry, shoes, etc from my mother and sister. And there was no sexual element - it was how I felt good and comfortable with myself.

Then my mother found out. I had taken some clothing from my grandmother's house and my mom found it. She was concerned about the stealing, but was also concerned I might be gay. So she sent me to therapy. I mostly faked my way through it, since I knew I wasn't gay and easily stopped taking from my grandmother's clothes.

From then until I was married I more or less suppressed everything. Then, after a couple years of marriage, my wife started noticing (for example) that there was more underwear in the laundry than she had worn. So I reluctantly came out to her, and she was amazingly, miraculously, understanding and supportive. She helped me understand how to present properly, how to look and act more feminine, how to adjust my voice, how to dress for my body, etc. We went out together many times, and I a few times on my own.

After we moved to Virginia and were back to apartment living I felt I might not be as safe, and stopped. I purged all my clothing, and by the end of that year was on Prozac.

Fast forward to now and I'm mentally healthy for the first time in a decade or so, thanks to my psychiatrist. And I told my wife I need to re-open this part of my life. Basically every night, or most nights, I present as female at home, even if it's just lounging-around-the-house clothing. I've only left the house once but have also looked into attending a once per month trans support group. I found out there's a clinic at MetroHealth for LGBT care that provides HRT on the informed consent model. And as mentioned I am seeing a gender therapist on Monday.

That's the long version of all this. Nobody else in my life knows about this. None of my family, neither of the parents, none of my friends. I think there are 2-3 family members I could safely come out to. (One of whom is herself genderqueer.) I fear it would crush my mother to find out. I think my dad would take a while but would adjust.

God damn it this is scary.

You sound a lot like you know.

Kind of yes, but kind of just table setting and telling myself, "Well if I DO figure it out I'm covered."

And of course there is what this could do to my marriage. I love my wife and have no desire to endanger my marriage. And while she supports me, she's not a lesbian. (Although I guess I might be.)

I mean how I break it down to an extent is that, if I could check one of two boxes it would be:

__X__ Present 100% of the time as female

_____ Present 100% of the time as male

But that's also a serious, life-changing event horizon. Is that the life I want? I genuinely don't know! I feel like it is, but an existing life, at age 48, is a hard thing to veer away from.

No real advice here either, but sending you support and best wishes through the ether. It's totally understandable to worry about life changes, but maintaining the status quo is also an active decision you'd be making.

<3 Phil

idk any answers but I think saying it out loud with a professional & asking the questions is nothing but positive. wanna give you a big hug just for saying it, let alone the journey you’re on.

(longer blather, tl;dr)
i can appreciate how scary it must be - but imo don’t put too much pressure on yourself to visualize an end point yet. that’s a lot to process! too much maybe. it’s ok that you don’t know. you have the support from therapy and your wife to take this journey, and there is comfort in that, just having the room to find out what all ~this~ means. the unknown *is* scary, rightfully so. stay with the baby steps for now: you will soon know the things you don’t know. finding out is an action, and a positive one, no mattee the answers. a way, or a few ways, will present themselves when you are able/ready to see them.

Speaking as someone who knows jack about shit, one thing I can tell you is that you will learn to better love yourself the truer you are to who you are, and the people who truly care about you will follow suit. FWIW, you know you can always find support here. Much love, buddy.

Dittoing the other comments. Would be irresponsible of me to offer any advice, but just wanted to wish you the best however things play out. And whatever you decide lots of people in the real world will be rooting for you the way they are here.

best of luck phil. very happy for you that you have such a supportive partner

As a friend of mine likes to say, the demand for certainty greatly outstrips the supply. There's no way to know exactly how your future would play out if you made the full transition to presenting yourself as a woman full time.

You can closely observe your past and your present, both in terms of what you've tried and done and how you felt when you did them. When it comes to facing the future, you can only examine your present hopes and fears. Your therapist should be able to help you identify your hopes and fears so you can look at them in greater depth and detail, and develop strategies for achieving as much as possible in the way of realizing hoped for and diminishing feared outcomes.

In many ways it all comes down to whether you want to exchange one set of problems for which you've tried many solutions, which solutions don't seem to be working well for you, for another set of problems for which you may find better solutions.

I, too, wish you the best of luck and am happy you have a supportive partner.

It's a wild ride right now Phil, I'm sure. I can only offer support and express admiration for how courageous you are by sharing it in this way, and the way you go about it. Also, you seem blessed with a very understanding and supportive partner, which is fantastic. To have her on your side, because she loves the person you are, is invaluable. God speed.

strength at you

Phil, this is great news. Congrats on making it this far. Do you have any thoughts about your name? I talk with some of my trans/uncertain/questioning students about this a lot, and it’s another hugely important step for many of them.

<3 Phil // I know how hard it can be to get to this point; congratulations on being able to explore yr identity more directly! Seeing a gender therapist and looking into a support group both seem like positive steps. I would echo emil.y and VegemiteGrrl's posts to say that you shouldn't feel like you have to figure everything out at once or already feel certain about how to proceed. If you decide later that you want to talk about yr gender with yr family, I'd strongly suggest talking first to the relatives you expect to be supportive, but that's not something you have to rush into: take everything at the pace that feels most natural to you.

xp

don't have anything to offer other than I wish you the very best in this experience and commend your courage

Phil, concurring that having a partner who has actively supported you finding yourself in the past is a wonderful boon here. Your frustration sounds like you want to have an immediate end-point to work towards, that you definitely want to fit a binary - is that largely an effect of the long-time suppression? Was there enough "missing" when you presented as female with/around your wife before, that you want to have an answer to resolve? Rather than going back to that support, and exploring further in a genderqueer space (in what might be a more welcoming time and society than before)?

^ not necessarily questions to answer to us here!

TY all for your words of encouragement! It really means a lot to me, especially since there are only like 2 people IRL right now I can talk to. I definitely have given some consideration to names, even if it's only necessary for occasionally presenting in public, but it's hard to name yourself. There's a lot tied up in that. And I do tend to think in pretty binary terms despite knowing a lot of nonbinary/genderqueer people. Maybe it's generational, maybe there's another reason, I'm not sure. I'm both dreading and eagerly anticipating this therapist appointment. Last time I went through any sort of therapy -- for grief counseling -- it was really rough for me. I'm not good at opening up.

Best of luck Phil. It's scary. I haven't ever gotten to a point where I can actually deal with my gender issues. I have a lot of other problems people would rather talk about instead. I guess I've sort of accepted the fact that gender dysphoria is always going to be part of my life.

So I finally had a couple of therapy appointments. The first one was with a psychotherapist who was more of a generalist -- he had worked with gender questioning people before but more on anxiety-related issues. He then referred me to
this practice on Cleveland's west side with a number of therapists whose specialty is gender issues and sexual health.

I met this week with a therapist there who seems super cool. I had taken some anti-anxiety meds before going but he put me at ease, telling me he's worked with people all along the gender spectrum from age 6 to 60, including people who have fully transitioned very late in life. He also said he considers his job to be not to lead but to walk alongside, which was good. We've got another session booked next week, and for now he's not going to try to diagnose any kind of dysphoria or anything before a couple more, just listing himself as treating me for bipolar I until we figure out where I am.

that’s really good to hear Phil
<3

<3 i kept meaning to respond to your posts but didn't feel like my advice would be at all adequate, but i'm extremely psyched for you phil

good on you for addressing the problem instead of ignoring it; wishing you a better 2018.

I'm glad you're getting some (nonprescriptive) support!

When I met with the therapist that first time, we talked about my how my confusion and anxiety right now lead me to avoid doing anything that could be publicly construed as feminine/androgynous/queer unless I'm presenting as female; and we discussed small things I could do. The specific thing we landed on was hair styling -- I tried to grow out my natural hair last year and it was disastrous, so I got it cut short/traditionally "masculine" again. I told the therapist I would really like to ask my stylist for a gender-neutral/unisex cut next time and he thought that was a great idea. But when I got my hair cut this past weekend I chickened out over it and asked for basically the same cut.

What I did do was get up the nerve to do something else that codes among a lot of people as feminine/queer and color my hair. And not just to color the grey -- I did this:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DURYQIzVMAAq72x.jpg

I'm nervous as hell over how people are going to react! But I like it!