Depression and what it's really like

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Thanks, brother. My lifestyle definitely tends more towards the sedentary so, yeah, that's always a thing to do, I guess.

The Pleasure Principal (Old Lunch), Monday, 12 December 2016 16:52 (seven years ago) link

also there's always posting on ilx, a glass-bottomed boat gliding over the ink-black void

Rush Limbaugh and Lou Reed doing sex with your parents (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 12 December 2016 16:59 (seven years ago) link

I've been humming along on a thin veneer of hope and tenuous positivity for the last several weeks but there have been a number of times over the past handful of days when the veneer became translucent and I could see the ink-black void beneath. It's starting to freak me out that most of the people around me aren't freaked out, are just continuing with their daily routine as if nothing in the world has changed and will continue happily unabated forever! Kinda feeling a strong pull to self-medicate in hopes of seeing things the same way. But still feeling hopeful that taking some regular positive action can help pull me out of this before I totally sink.

I'm mostly just venting atm. I'm not quite there yet but I've been down this sadly-familiar road before.

― The Pleasure Principal (Old Lunch)

i think something i do as a depressive is to assume that other people are doing better than they actually are. we all have ample incentives to present ourselves in an inappropriately positive light. hell i do it myself when dealing with people in person.

for me it's a struggle because the only way i can continue to be a defensible human being, i have to keep looking at the ink-blackness, but that tends to, well, sort of impair one's functionality. so many people around me in despair, and i can't give them any concrete reasons not to despair, but at the same time living in this sense of absolute refusal... i don't know what i'm saying.

all regular activities tend to end around christmastime. losing what tenuous routines i have will be tough.

increasingly bonkers (rushomancy), Monday, 12 December 2016 17:03 (seven years ago) link

I know it's hard to think it matters, but I really like you, and look forward to you getting through this. All of you, really - I've been a poster/reader here for well over a decade, and this is a curiously pleasant place of nice people. It's got me through more than one spell in hospital. And that inky blackness: it's not the truth.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Monday, 12 December 2016 17:58 (seven years ago) link

true ^

the lack of sunlight has been really affecting me now. i just feel like going back to bed all day, but i can't bc i have a job. exercising consistently, at least.

assawoman bay (harbl), Monday, 12 December 2016 23:54 (seven years ago) link

three weeks pass...

wrote a humongous post and scrapped it, condensing it to (a) hope everyone above is doing okay (b) fuck having any sort of aspirations for anything (c) fuck this shit

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 5 January 2017 11:11 (seven years ago) link

you are otm in at least one of those brackets but its all swirling relativity isnt it

loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Thursday, 5 January 2017 11:38 (seven years ago) link

it is

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 5 January 2017 11:46 (seven years ago) link

current plan is to ignore the black dog for another 40 years, but i don't think that's technically a plan

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 5 January 2017 11:49 (seven years ago) link

ach 'plans' fuckem dyknow?

loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Thursday, 5 January 2017 12:02 (seven years ago) link

every plan i had is dead so 'fuckem' is the best course of action

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 5 January 2017 12:05 (seven years ago) link

yep, see what fails miserably and retrospectively trash it as unworthy imo

nb this has worked v well for me in most aspects of life as a coping mechanism

loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Thursday, 5 January 2017 12:06 (seven years ago) link

cheers, excellent advice, although i'm looking at trashing ~all of the things~ and atm have nothing to replace them with

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 5 January 2017 12:16 (seven years ago) link

Just found out a long-term, dear friend killed himself last November. I honestly don't feel anything about it right now. Just "Oh." A total lack of surprise.

increasingly bonkers (rushomancy), Thursday, 5 January 2017 15:35 (seven years ago) link

wrote a humongous post and scrapped it, condensing it to (a) hope everyone above is doing okay (b) fuck having any sort of aspirations for anything (c) fuck this shit

― Autumn Almanac, Thursday, January 5, 2017 6:11 AM (five hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

listen to the last ten minutes of this--Curtis really hits the nail on the head. Scary but clarifying
http://soundcloud.com/chapo-trap-house/episode-65-no-future-feat-adam-curtis-121216

Iago Galdston, Thursday, 5 January 2017 16:22 (seven years ago) link

rushomancy i'm so sorry, really hope you have some people to talk to about it. there's no correct/incorrect way to react to something like that imo.

listen to the last ten minutes of this--Curtis really hits the nail on the head. Scary but clarifying

thanks for that. my issues are generally personal in nature but australia's recent history (very similar to what america's about to go through) has certainly had a real impact on my current issues. a huge portion of my give-up-on-everything attitude is the realisation that being nice to people is a lost cause when corporations and selfish fuckheads keep twisting democracies to their own ends and away from the 99%.

Autumn Almanac, Friday, 6 January 2017 05:57 (seven years ago) link

And that most australians would happily see other people burned alive as long as they don't have to spend an extra minute a day in traffic or pay 1c more a year for enrrgy

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Saturday, 7 January 2017 06:19 (seven years ago) link

otm, it really does feel like the country's turning into mad max

Autumn Almanac, Saturday, 7 January 2017 06:53 (seven years ago) link

three weeks pass...

So, I have a cold atm, and in addition to feeling terrible I seem to be going through withdrawals from my antidepressants. I'm still taking them, but I'm familiar enough with the withdrawal symptoms to recognise it. Can anyone think of any reason why a cold might stop antidepressants working? It's impossible to google for. It sucks, whatever is happening.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Monday, 30 January 2017 19:52 (seven years ago) link

are you taking any medicine for the cold?

sarahell, Monday, 30 January 2017 20:18 (seven years ago) link

No, not really. I took some ibuprofen last night, but I tend to ride them out.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Monday, 30 January 2017 21:33 (seven years ago) link

idk maybe if you are v. dehydrated

mookieproof, Tuesday, 31 January 2017 00:07 (seven years ago) link

yes, or the cold is causing you to experience double depression. the immune inflammatory response of a cold can feel v., v., similar to a chemical depression

potential grizzly (remy bean), Tuesday, 31 January 2017 00:11 (seven years ago) link

mookieproof otm re: dehydration, that was my thought

the late great, Tuesday, 31 January 2017 00:24 (seven years ago) link

Well, the brain zaps seem to have stopped, so I might be able to get some sleep at some point.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Tuesday, 31 January 2017 00:42 (seven years ago) link

one of those weekends where i feel like the adults are about to find out how much homework i haven't done and throw a fit at me - i think i'm just deep down frightened of being punished for not working hard enough, at the same time as i know i don't work hard enough

excitable Question Time guest (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 12 February 2017 12:08 (seven years ago) link

oh man, i sympathise with that one :(

for sale: steve bannon waifu pillow (heavily soiled) (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 12 February 2017 12:40 (seven years ago) link

ILX posts which pound an icy shard of recognition through your heart

gl/good vibes NV

a passing spacecadet, Sunday, 12 February 2017 18:38 (seven years ago) link

i hate when i stop working and my brain starts spinning. it's like the only thing i can do to stop going crazy is work and i'm sick of work. and the only humans i talk to are at work.

assawoman bay (harbl), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 00:25 (seven years ago) link

I stopped working like that after changing jobs recently and I feel like cogs and springs that had been kept in place by the tight winding of relentless activity and pressure are now threatening to uncoil and start shipping out from the top of my mind

The Perks of Being a Wall St R (darraghmac), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 00:31 (seven years ago) link

ayyyyup

assawoman bay (harbl), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 00:54 (seven years ago) link

stupid three-day weekend. and i was gonna take next friday off too. my house is cleaner but my brain is worse off.

assawoman bay (harbl), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 00:54 (seven years ago) link

Can anyone give advice on this one:

History of depression/bipolar here, but currently some nice things are going on in life. It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time? It's like the black dog of depression is always around the corner. Perhaps I'm just too cynical.

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 02:43 (seven years ago) link

Nah, the black dog of depression is always around the corner. Take advantage of your current state of health to arrange care you've been putting off, establish habits that will serve you if things get harder, that sort of thing. It is, in my experience, hard to live in the moment by ~trying to live in the moment~. Do as much living as you can stand and the inner monologue will recede now and then.

softie (silby), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 03:24 (seven years ago) link

Cheers Silby, appreciated.

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 03:26 (seven years ago) link

if worry/dread takes over I try to find something more benign and intentionally fixate on it - thus shoving out the other things I was previously worrying about and replacing w/ something I can better control. not foolproof mind you but it's worked in recent weeks.

waht, I am true black metal worrior (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 03:30 (seven years ago) link

It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time?

think about eventual death, then back away from that thought.

sarahell, Wednesday, 22 February 2017 20:59 (seven years ago) link

death, the only solution

Nhex, Wednesday, 22 February 2017 22:28 (seven years ago) link

really not the thread I expected to see Slayer lyrics

agree w/ sarahell though - if you start with it as the worst outcome, then walk backwards to more likely outcomes, and embrace that no matter what happens, large parts of it are beyond your control, it becomes easier. horrible things can happen to you any moment of your life, it's just important not to live as if you're anticipating it (not a criticism - I deal w/ that all the time w/ my anxiety)

waht, I am true black metal worrior (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 22 February 2017 23:45 (seven years ago) link

It's great advice to think of things that way, sarahell. The sitch is I've met someone who I really appreciate and I'm basically trying to take it easy as possible and keep an objective distance.

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Wednesday, 22 February 2017 23:52 (seven years ago) link

a relationship-type someone?

sarahell, Thursday, 23 February 2017 06:24 (seven years ago) link

potentially, but just starting to hang out and having an awesome time..

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Thursday, 23 February 2017 20:17 (seven years ago) link

It's still hard to not think that something disastrously could go wrong - so what do you do to just be present and take these things one moment at time?

― Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Tuesday, 21 February 2017 13:43 (three days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

acceptance & commitment therapy has been helping me tremendously. it combines standard cbt with mindfulness and personal values, and is the first technique that's ever had any lasting impact on me.

it turns out my depression is a side-effect of anxiety, which could be what you're facing too.

Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 23 February 2017 23:05 (seven years ago) link

I'm very inwardly anxious, but I'm really okay with talking to people and making friends. This link seems like it will help to quiet the self defeating thoughts and voices.

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Thursday, 23 February 2017 23:11 (seven years ago) link

Autumn Almanac - Have you been reading online or taking courses as well?

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Thursday, 23 February 2017 23:16 (seven years ago) link

mainly working through it with a psychologist. seems i've got 30+ years of backed-up anxiety to flush out.

Autumn Almanac, Friday, 24 February 2017 01:27 (seven years ago) link

Wishing you the best Autumn Almanac

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Friday, 24 February 2017 01:30 (seven years ago) link

you too ross. identifying the real problem is one step (that one has taken me decades, after several misdiagnoses); implementing strategies is another massive step that's much harder than it sounds. knowing what to do is a mile away from doing it and making it work.

Autumn Almanac, Friday, 24 February 2017 01:33 (seven years ago) link

i... might not be making a lot of sense

Autumn Almanac, Friday, 24 February 2017 01:33 (seven years ago) link

That makes sense :) i've been misdiagnosed as well and it can be difficult because sometimes you think your life is on one track, but it's really going sideways. In theory I know I'm far away from the episode I had 6 years ago, but I know I'm not 100% and know there's deeper issues that are still unresolved

Everything Moves Towards The Sun (Ross), Friday, 24 February 2017 01:37 (seven years ago) link


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