Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

hey everybody

(waves back) hey!

Thanks! It's been quite the whirlwind. I've been wrestling with it for a long time, thought I was just a girly art fella who did some crossdressing in high school and college, figured it was just art school genderbending, then I got to 30 and it never went away.

I'd been in this nebulous place for about three years where I spent a lot of time looking at transition timelines, secretly shaving my legs, cursing my facial hair (though I grew it out once and kind of liked messing with it in a Cronenberg body horror way) but thought I might not be trans *enough*, which I now know is a very common experience.

Then the election happened and I realized that I needed to deal with it head on and asap, helped along by a fucking amazing therapist (if anyone reading this is in Chicago and has the slightest bit of queerness to them, I can't recommend the Center on Halsted enough, such a beautiful place.) Now I've got an appointment with an informed consent doc who I'm hoping will prescribe and write me an "appropriate treatment" letter so I can get a passport application in under the wire (though I'm not getting my hopes up too much.)

I'm torn between being furious that these awful bigots have made me rush things like this and thankful for the push. I don't know how long I might have kept pretending. (Okay, not torn, mostly furious, especially when I think about how hard it's going to be for other people, and how Pence thinks the gov't should pay to "convert" me.)

Figuring out my name is going to be hard, I dislike every femme variant of Nick (no offense to Nikkis and Nicoles, it's just personal baggage from being what I thought at the time was misgendered and the bone-chilling fear that accompanied it) but would really rather not make a drastic phoneme shift.

Soz 4 blog post, just feels so good to get it out of my head after so long.

<3

congrats en, sorry about America/people

Nice to meetcha!

i'm sorry if i've perpetrated any bullshit. i'm not a hater.

:)

<3 en

*high five*

godspeed en i

En that is awesome!

I'm glad you have a good therapist and access to healthcare, en; Chicago seems like it has better trans resources and a larger community than almost any other midwestern city. On naming, I will say that it's easier to get used to a phoneme shift than you might think, but I hope you can find something that you're comfortable with--if you have a few options in mind, you might try having yr therapist or a friend try out different names with you so you can tell what feels right. I'm sorry yr catalyst had to be so traumatic (and ominous for people like us), but I hope you can continue to find supportive people around you.

omg welcome, new people! congrats all around. <3

(this is rev btw)

also, I kind of drifted away from this thread (and ilx in general) but I started HRT last september and have been publicly identifying as a trans woman since about that time. things are going really well for me and most of the time I've a lot less miserable than I was before. it's been an amazing process.

I'm going to avoid doing too much raving about how amazing estrogen is for now but I might later.

awesome to hear things going well rev :)

rev <3

love you, rev

also en i am v psyched about what's happening in your life, as much as the environment that pushed you toward making these decisions is awful. i felt similarly motivated after the election though i had the simultaneously feeling of "oh i think i might need to stop doing this (doing this = being...myself?) in order to survive"

<3 Really glad you're in a good place these days, rev. Estrogen's effects feel glacially slow in arriving at times, but they've been massively helpful to me in terms of emotional stability. I'm happy that it's been a good process for you too.

Omg rev I knew there was a reason I felt a bit of a kinship with you when I was lurking in old ilx days! Congrats!

And thanks to everyone for well wishes, I'm definitely in the baby trans stage where any affirmation means a ton, so it's especially appreciated.

And bn, that's a almost exactly word for word a thought process I went through the day after.

rev, glad you're happier. en, I'm sure you'll be the same fine person we have always known, but more so!

didn't know that latest news rev, much love, hope things continue to be amazing

<3 to all of you

Omg rev I knew there was a reason I felt a bit of a kinship with you when I was lurking in old ilx days! Congrats!

― ENERGY FOOD (en i see kay), Tuesday, December 13, 2016 10:11 AM (five hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh gosh I wasn't even out as queer when I first joined ILX. Much love to you bbg!

<3 Really glad you're in a good place these days, rev. Estrogen's effects feel glacially slow in arriving at times, but they've been massively helpful to me in terms of emotional stability. I'm happy that it's been a good process for you too.

― one way street, Tuesday, December 13, 2016 9:02 AM (seven hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yeah, I feel so much more emotionally intelligent now and less prone to depression. It feels like my brain has been completely rewired. The physical changes have been nice, I guess my breasts are the most obvious, but also my face has rounded out a bit, my butt and thighs have filled out, and I was told my neck and arms look more feminine although I can't really see that one myself. There's other stuff too that I don't really feel comfortable going into in front of cis eyes. But all of that feels tiny in comparison to the mental changes.

In order: got drunk and came out to friend visiting for NYE, got drunk and came out to ex, have had tentative discussions with current gf, made appointment for therapist through school

<3

Congratulations!

oh wow congrats

Big steps, impressed!

Telly! Rad! Coming out is so fkn hard! Congratulations! Mozel Tov! More exclamations!

Yay!! wtg TT

:D

<3

I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday and I'd really like to write down some of the things I want to talk about, with the opportunity to hear from people who have been through this stuff, but I am so nervous about opening up a so-far completely hidden aspect of my life.

Like I've only ever shared with two people -- my wife and my psychiatrist -- and I'm not only afraid of talking with other people about it, but of what it might mean for my future life.

I have been gender-questioning/ -curious since I was probably 3 or 4 but always, always hid it. A few years after we were married I came out as -- transgender? a crossdresser? questioning? -- to my wife and for a couple of years was able to live more or less nonbinary at home. Then I purged and suppressed and -- coincidentally? -- started being treated for depression shortly thereafter. Now I can't suppress it anymore, and I've talked about it with my wife and my shrink. My wife has asked me outright if I want to transition and I literally don't have an answer. I've barely ever in my life presented outside the house as female, but I hate presenting as my birth gender.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to show support and say that I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you and that I hope the new therapist helps you start exploring/figuring this really complicated but important stuff out. ❤️

Thanks. I am really terrified by what this could mean moving forward, for my life, my career, my relationships, everything. But I have to find out who I am and what this has all meant over my life.

You have the right priorities and I wish you well.

Anyone who has been through this kind of thing, how do you KNOW? Like really know?

There's a story my family likes to tell about when I was 3 and my sister was 5, when she did a bunch of things like painting my nails, putting barettes in my hair, etc. My family likes to mention how I upset I was, but if you look at the pictures they took, I'm smiling. Because I asked her to do it - I wanted to look pretty. I never really understood why boys and girls wore different things and why I couldn't dress like all the girls.

By junior high I was really asking myself if I was born wrong. I wasn't allowed to wear what I really wanted, but used to constantly imagine what it would be like if I could. From 7th to 11th grade, every opportunity I had -- when I was home alone, when I had a lock on my bedroom door -- I would "borrow" clothes, makeup, jewelry, shoes, etc from my mother and sister. And there was no sexual element - it was how I felt good and comfortable with myself.

Then my mother found out. I had taken some clothing from my grandmother's house and my mom found it. She was concerned about the stealing, but was also concerned I might be gay. So she sent me to therapy. I mostly faked my way through it, since I knew I wasn't gay and easily stopped taking from my grandmother's clothes.

From then until I was married I more or less suppressed everything. Then, after a couple years of marriage, my wife started noticing (for example) that there was more underwear in the laundry than she had worn. So I reluctantly came out to her, and she was amazingly, miraculously, understanding and supportive. She helped me understand how to present properly, how to look and act more feminine, how to adjust my voice, how to dress for my body, etc. We went out together many times, and I a few times on my own.

After we moved to Virginia and were back to apartment living I felt I might not be as safe, and stopped. I purged all my clothing, and by the end of that year was on Prozac.

Fast forward to now and I'm mentally healthy for the first time in a decade or so, thanks to my psychiatrist. And I told my wife I need to re-open this part of my life. Basically every night, or most nights, I present as female at home, even if it's just lounging-around-the-house clothing. I've only left the house once but have also looked into attending a once per month trans support group. I found out there's a clinic at MetroHealth for LGBT care that provides HRT on the informed consent model. And as mentioned I am seeing a gender therapist on Monday.

That's the long version of all this. Nobody else in my life knows about this. None of my family, neither of the parents, none of my friends. I think there are 2-3 family members I could safely come out to. (One of whom is herself genderqueer.) I fear it would crush my mother to find out. I think my dad would take a while but would adjust.

God damn it this is scary.

You sound a lot like you know.

Kind of yes, but kind of just table setting and telling myself, "Well if I DO figure it out I'm covered."

And of course there is what this could do to my marriage. I love my wife and have no desire to endanger my marriage. And while she supports me, she's not a lesbian. (Although I guess I might be.)

I mean how I break it down to an extent is that, if I could check one of two boxes it would be:

__X__ Present 100% of the time as female

_____ Present 100% of the time as male

But that's also a serious, life-changing event horizon. Is that the life I want? I genuinely don't know! I feel like it is, but an existing life, at age 48, is a hard thing to veer away from.

No real advice here either, but sending you support and best wishes through the ether. It's totally understandable to worry about life changes, but maintaining the status quo is also an active decision you'd be making.

<3 Phil

idk any answers but I think saying it out loud with a professional & asking the questions is nothing but positive. wanna give you a big hug just for saying it, let alone the journey you’re on.

(longer blather, tl;dr)
i can appreciate how scary it must be - but imo don’t put too much pressure on yourself to visualize an end point yet. that’s a lot to process! too much maybe. it’s ok that you don’t know. you have the support from therapy and your wife to take this journey, and there is comfort in that, just having the room to find out what all ~this~ means. the unknown *is* scary, rightfully so. stay with the baby steps for now: you will soon know the things you don’t know. finding out is an action, and a positive one, no mattee the answers. a way, or a few ways, will present themselves when you are able/ready to see them.