100 Funny Bob Dylan Moments

50. And a personal favourite of mine ... Dylan inducting Gordon Lightfoot into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame.

http://archives.cbc.ca/arts_entertainment/music/topics/743-4679/
http://www.lightfoot.ca/dylangl.htm

We could make a whole separate thread of ridiculousness based on just that clip, with everything from Anne Murray's hairdo, to Dylan missing his cues, to the spotlights furiously circling the auditorium waiting for Dylan to appear, to Dylan's sequined jacket and black leather gloves, to Dylan being too distracted to speak because he was watching himself on the video monitors behind him, to Lightfoot's rambling speech, to ...

51. Some old David Letterman anniversary show from Radio City Music Hall, where they gave him a tremendous build up and recruited a huge all-star band, and he came out and sang the laziest, slurriest "Like a Rolling Stone" ever. I'm pretty sure he just sang the vowels.

52. After a while we took in the clothes,
Nobody said very much.
Just some old wild shirts and a couple pairs of pants
Which nobody really wanted to touch.
Mama come in and picked up a book
An' Papa asked her what it was.
Someone else asked, "What do you care?"
Papa said, "Well, just because."
Then they started to take back their clothes,
Hang 'em on the line.
It was January the thirtieth
And everybody was feelin' fine.

The next day everybody got up
Seein' if the clothes were dry.
The dogs were barking, a neighbor passed,
Mama, of course, she said, "Hi!"
"Have you heard the news?" he said, with a grin,
"The Vice-President's gone mad!"
"Where?" "Downtown." "When?" "Last night."
"Hmm, say, that's too bad!"
"Well, there's nothin' we can do about it," said the neighbor,
"It's just somethin' we're gonna have to forget."
"Yes, I guess so," said Ma,
Then she asked me if the clothes was still wet.

I reached up, touched my shirt,
And the neighbor said, "Are those clothes yours?"
I said, "Some of 'em, not all of 'em."
He said, "Ya always help out around here with the chores?"
I said, "Sometime, not all the time."
Then my neighbor, he blew his nose
Just as papa yelled outside,
"Mama wants you t' come back in the house and bring them clothes."
Well, I just do what I'm told,
So, I did it, of course.
I went back in the house and Mama met me
And then I shut all the doors.

53:

BF: Who are some of your favorite songwriters?

BD: Buffett I guess. Lightfoot. Warren Zevon. Randy. John Prine. Guy Clark. Those kinds of writers.

BF: What songs do you like of Buffett's?

BD: "Death of an Unpopular Poet." There's another one called "He Went to Paris."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/bob-dylan-exclusive-inter_n_187216.html

54.

"I'm a better singer than Caruso"

and lot's of DLB, of course.

"Give the Anarchist a cigarette", etc...

also, "I'm glad I'm not me!"

There's 100 just in that film!

"Have you heard the news?" he said, with a grin,
"The Vice-President's gone mad!"
"Where?" "Downtown." "When?" "Last night."
"Hmm, say, that's too bad!"

cosign!

58. "I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine/I never could learn to hold you, love, and to call you mine"

The bit at 0.50 especially :

59, sorry

60. Hearts of Fire

61. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHOHOHO

HEH

"Start again."

62. Well, out comes a farmer,
He must have thought that I was nuts.
He immediately looked at me
And stuck a gun into my guts.

I fell down
To my bended knees,
Saying, "I dig farmers,
Don't shoot me, please!"

63. There's a woman in my lap and she's/drinking champagne

as someone who has barely heard any of these songs, this thread is absolutely hysterical. makes me wish i owned more than 1 dylan album.

64.Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet
Putting her in a wheel barrow and wheeling her down the street

65. Othello told Desdemona, "I'm cold, cover me with a blanket.
By the way, what happened to that poison wine?"
She says, "I gave it to you, you drank it."

66. ('cause we needed more wilburys, plus lol springsteen)

Tweeter and the monkey man were hard up for cash
They stayed up all night selling cocaine and hash
To an undercover cop who had a sister named jan
For reasons unexplained she loved the monkey man

Tweeter was a boy scout before she went to vietnam
And found out the hard way nobody gives a damn
They knew that they found freedom just across the jersey line
So they hopped into a stolen car took highway 99

(chorus)
And the walls came down all the way to hell
Never saw them when theyre standing
Never saw them when they fell

The undercover cop never liked the monkey man
Even back in childhood he wanted to see him in the can
Jan got married at fourteen to a rackateer named bill
She made secret calls to the monkey man from a mansion on the hill

It was out on thunder road - tweeter at the wheel
They crashed into paradise - they could hear them tires squeal
The undercover cop pulled up and said everyone of yous a liar
If you dont surrender now its gonna go down to the wire

(chorus)

An ambulance rolled up - a state trooper close behind
Tweeter took his gun away and messed up his mind
The undercover cop was left tied up to a tree
Near the souvenir stand by the old abandoned factory

Next day the undercover cop was hot in pursuit
He was taking the whole thing personal
He didnt care about the loot
Jan had told him many times it was you to me who taught
In jersey anythings legal as long as you dont get caught

(chorus)

Someplace by rahway prison they ran out of gas
The undercover cop had cornered them said boy, you didnt
Think that this could last
Jan jumped out of bed said theres someplace I gotta go
She took a gun out of the drawer and said its best if you dont know

The undercover cop was found face down in a field
The monkey man was on the river bridge using tweeter as a shield
Jan said to the monkey man Im not fooled by tweeters curl
I knew him long before he ever became a jersey girl

(chorus)

Now the town of jersey city is quieting down again
Im sitting in a gambling club called the lions den
The tv set been blown up, every bit of it is gone
Ever since the nightly news show that the monkey man was on

I guess Ill to to florida and get myself some sun
There aint no more opportunity here, everythings been done
Sometime I think of tweeter, sometime I think of jan
Sometime I dont think about nothing but the monkey man

(chorus)

ha Tweeter always puts me in stitches

yeah ill takedown of springsteen

67. Romeo, he said to Juliet, "You got a poor complexion.
It doesn't give your appearance a very youthful touch!"
Juliet said back to Romeo, "Why don't you just shove off
If it bothers you so much."

x-post What's funny is that it references at least one then-unreleased track ("Lion's Den") and then one that Springsteen didn't write ("Jersey Girl").

Love that song. Always wondered about Dylan's personal relationship with Springsteen.

68. Bob Dylan's 115th Dream

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, "Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline"
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

"I think I'll call it America"
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, "Let's set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads"
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin' harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don't even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, "Ban the bums"
I jumped right into line
Sayin', "I hope that I'm not late"
When I realized I hadn't eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin' for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
"Could you please make that crepe"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin' fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn't mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, "Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way"
The man says, "Get out of here
I'll tear you limb from limb"
I said, "You know they refused Jesus, too"
He said, "You're not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain't your pop"
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, "Fab"
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, "Call me if they die"
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin' to make a stab
At bringin' back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin' ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, "Captain Kidd"
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin' the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin'
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, "Good luck."

They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants

The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly
Saying, "Death to all those who would whimper and cry"
And dropping a bar bell he points to the sky
Saving, "The sun's not yellow it's chicken"

69.
It must be a holiday, there's nobody around
She studies me closely as I sit down
She got a pretty face and long white shiny legs
She says, "What'll it be?"
I say, "I don't know, you got any soft boiled eggs?"

She looks at me, Says "I'd bring you some
but we're out of 'm, you picked the wrong time to come"
Then she says, "I know you're an artist, draw a picture of me!"
I say, "I would if I could, but,
I don't do sketches from memory."

"Well", she says, "I'm right here in front of you, or haven't you looked?"
I say," all right, I know, but I don't have my drawing book!"
She gives me a napkin, she says, "you can do it on that"
I say, "yes I could but,
I don't know where my pencil is at!"

She pulls one out from behind her ear
She says "all right now, go ahead, draw me, I'm standing right here"
I make a few lines, and I show it for her to see
Well she takes a napkin and throws it back
And says "that don't look a thing like me!"

I said, "Oh, kind miss, it most certainly does"
She says, "you must be jokin.'" I say, "I wish I was!"
Then she says, "you don't read women authors, do you?"
Least that's what I think I hear her say,
"Well", I say, "how would you know and what would it matter anyway?"

"Well", she says, "you just don't seem like you do!"
I said, "you're way wrong."
She says, "which ones have you read then?" I say, "I read Erica Jong!"
She goes away for a minute and I slide up out of my chair
I step outside back to the busy street, but nobody's going anywhere

that was 25

70.

Reporter circa 1966: How many other folk singers are there?
Dylan: 134.

sorry dude!

71. I got a cravin' love for blazing speed
Got a hopped up Mustang Ford
Jump into the wagon, love, throw your panties overboard

72. The liner notes for Planet Waves, esp.

"Furious gals with garters & Smeared Lips
on bar stools that stank from sweating
pussy - doing the Hula - perfect,
priests in OVERhauls, glassy eyed,
Insomnia! Space guys off duty with
big dicks & ducktails All wired up &
voting for Eisenhower, waving flags &
jumping off of fire engines, getting
killed on motorcycles whatever -"

http://theband.hiof.no/albums/ln_planet_waves.html

73. Heck, his liner notes for the New World Singers:

"Bob Cohen's quiet - I first seen him at a City College folksong hall an' thought he was some sort of a Spanish gypsy by the way he wore his sideburns an' moustache an' eyebrows - but he didn't talk so I couldn't tell - I must a sat an hour next to him waitin' to hear some gypsy language - he never said a word - he laughed a few times but all folks no matter what race laughs in the same tongue - I seen him sing later that night an' it didn't bother my thoughts no more as to if he was gypsy or gigolo - he tol' me more about my new world in that ten minutes time than the pop radio station did all that week." And so on.

Basically, we can quote every lyric he penned for the Wilburys.

74. From his theme time radio show about nothing. "Nothing is usually the best thing to do, and always the smart thing to say."

75. Also from the radio show, on baseball: "This is a song from Damn Yankees--and I don't mean that band with Ted Nugent and those guys from Styx."

That's "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" --and they are-- from the film "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" --and they do.

77. Singing "Froggie Went a Courtin'", but singing it like Gonzo the Great not Kermit

78." I got shoved down 'n' pushed around,
All I could hear there was a screamin' sound,
Don't remember one thing more,
Just remember walkin' up on a little shore,
Head busted, stomach cracked,
Feet splintered, I was bald, naked. . .
Quite lucky to be alive though."

79. "Well, the comic book and me, just us, we caught the bus.
The poor little chauffeur, though, she was back in bed
On the very next day, with a nose full of pus.
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread
Yea! Heavy and a bottle of bread"

80. all of "tombstone blues," obv., but the first two stanzas used to go through my head a lot when i was covering city council meetings and the like:

The sweet pretty things are in bed now of course
The city fathers they're trying to endorse
The reincarnation of Paul Revere's horse
But the town has no need to be nervous

The ghost of Belle Starr she hands down her wits
To Jezebel the nun she violently knits
A bald wig for Jack the Ripper who sits
At the head of the chamber of commerce

81. "You may be workin' in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair,
You may be somebody's mistress, may be somebody's heir"

The Basement Tapes sure are fertile ground for this sort of thing.

82. Last night, 'cross the alley, there was a pounding on the wall
It must have been Don Pasquale making a 2 a.m. booty call

83. What's the lightbulb for?

Oh, I usually carry a lightbulb.

84. And you know there was somethin about you baby that I liked that was always too good for this world ... Just like you always said there was something about me you liked that I left behind in the french quarter.

Brownsville Girl is full of these. Underrated record as well.

85. Well, they were looking for somebody with a pompadour.
I was crossin' the street when shots rang out.
I didn't know whether to duck or to run, so I ran.

Aw man I'd clicked to post lyrics to "115th Dream," but I'd been beat to it.

Instead this one from "Tombstone Blues":

Screaming she moans, "I've just been made"
Then sends out for the doctor who pulls down the shade
Says, "My advice is to not let the boys in"

Ouch. Ok, thanks, Doc! Asshole.

Maybe it's not so "ha ha" funny. But it's funny.

86.Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a gypsy queen,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle all dressed in green,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle 'til the moon is blue,
Wiggle 'til the moon sees you.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle in your boots and shoes,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you got nothing to lose,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, like a swarm of bees,
Wiggle on your hands and knees.

Wiggle to the front, wiggle to the rear,
Wiggle 'til you wiggle right out of here,
Wiggle 'til it opens, wiggle 'til it shuts,
Wiggle 'til it bites, wiggle 'til it cuts.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a bowl of soup,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a rolling hoop,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a ton of lead,
Wiggle - you can raise the dead.

Wiggle 'til you're high, wiggle 'til you're higher,
Wiggle 'til you vomit fire,
Wiggle 'til it whispers, wiggle 'til it hums,
Wiggle 'til it answers, wiggle 'til it comes.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like satin and silk,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a pail of milk,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, rattle and shake,
Wiggle like a big fat snake.