100 Funny Bob Dylan Moments

29. You promise to love me, but what do I see? Just you comin' in and spilling juice over me.

30. Hell's my wife's home town.

Well, I run right down ’n’ bought a ticket
To this bear mountain picnic.
But little did I realize
I was in for a picnic surprise.
Had nothin’ to do with mountains.
I didn’t even come close to a bear.

31^

I wrote this a couple years back for the AV Club:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_IgB0JLKO15Q/RqDvomie9UI/AAAAAAAACBo/EjOWWXUB9fg/s1600-h/den+feat+2+4329.jpg

oops, did that not work? http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_IgB0JLKO15Q/RqDvomie9UI/AAAAAAAACBo/EjOWWXUB9fg/s1600-h/den+feat+2+4329.jpg

Just noticed what I quickly c&p got the punchline wrong.

32. I took my potatoes down to be mashed

33. I was shadow-boxing earlier in the day
I figured I was ready for Cassius Clay
I said "Fee, fie, fo, fum, Cassius Clay, here I come
26, 27, 28, 29, I'm gonna make your face look just like mine
Five, four, three, two, one, Cassius Clay you'd better run
99, 100, 101, 102, your ma won't even recognize you
14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, gonna knock him clean right out of his spleen."

34. Now, I'm liberal, but to a degree
I want ev'rybody to be free
But if you think that I'll let Barry Goldwater
Move in next door and marry my daughter
You must think I'm crazy!
I wouldn't let him do it for all the farms in Cuba.

35. Well, I set my monkey on the log
And ordered him to do the Dog
He wagged his tail and shook his head
And he went and did the Cat instead
He's a weird monkey, very funky.

I sat with my high-heeled sneakers on
Waiting to play tennis in the noonday sun
I had my white shorts rolled up past my waist
And my wig-hat was falling in my face
But they wouldn't let me on the tennis court.

God said "No"
Abe say "What??"

matos's PLAYBOY quote sounds very funny read in a Terry Tibbs voice.

creepy orange skin and black eyeliner:

number them plz!

39. "Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the poet laureate of rock 'n' roll. The voice of the promise of the '60s counterculture. The guy who forced folk into bed with rock. Who donned makeup in the '70s and disappeared into a haze of substance abuse. Who emerged to find Jesus. Who was written off as a has-been by the end of the '80s, and who suddenly shifted gears releasing some of the strongest music of his career beginning in the late '90s. Ladies and gentlemen - Columbia recording artist Bob Dylan!"

40.

41.

42.

43. He love your sexy body, he loves your dirty mind
He loves when you hold him when you grab him from behind
Oh baby, you're such a pretty thing
I can't wait to introduce you to the other members of my gang

You don't need no wax job, you're smooth enough for me
If you need you oil changed I'll do it for you free
Oh baby, the pleasure would be all mine
If you let me drive your pickup truck and park it where the sun don't shine

Every time he touches you his hair stands up on end
His legs begin to quiver and his mind begins to bend
Oh baby, you're such a tasty treat
But I'm under doctor's orders, I'm afraid to overeat

He love your sense of humor, your disposition too
There's absolutely nothing that he don't love about you
Oh baby, I'm on my hands and knees
Life would be so simple if I only had you to please

Oh baby, turn around and say goodbye
You go to the airport now and I'm going home to cry

(Chorus)
He loves your...
Electric dumplings
Red bell peppers
Fuel injection
Service charge
Five-speed gearbox
Long indurance
Quest for junk food
Big refrigerator
Trembling wilbury
Marble earrings
Porky curtains
Power steering
Bottled water
Parts and services

(Bridge)
Dirty world, a dirty world, it's a ...ing dirty world

oh man, I forgot "Dirty World," well played

haha awesome. Cosign.

"big refrigerator"

Does he really say "porky curtains"? That's disgusting!

44. John Wesley Harding was a friend to the poor, he traveled with a gun in every hand

45.
http://blog.kir.com/archives/images/dylan_newport_2002.jpg

46. Dylan says today's recordings sound "atrocious"
Legend fine with illegal downloads because "it ain’t worth nothing anyway"

(moreso for the sub-header)

John Wesley Harding was a friend to the poor, he traveled with a gun in every hand

Ha, I'd forgotten that one.

His Buckwheat impersonation on "We Are The World"

48. No mention of SOY BOMB?

(maybe this doesn't fit the thread, since it wasn't a moment that was actually instigated by Dylan)

49. Sorry about the terrible video quality:

"Well, my daddy he didn't leave me too much, he was a very simple man, and he didn't leave me a lot but he did say this he did say SON ... he said, ...

...

...

...

he said so many things you know ..."

50. And a personal favourite of mine ... Dylan inducting Gordon Lightfoot into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame.

http://archives.cbc.ca/arts_entertainment/music/topics/743-4679/
http://www.lightfoot.ca/dylangl.htm

We could make a whole separate thread of ridiculousness based on just that clip, with everything from Anne Murray's hairdo, to Dylan missing his cues, to the spotlights furiously circling the auditorium waiting for Dylan to appear, to Dylan's sequined jacket and black leather gloves, to Dylan being too distracted to speak because he was watching himself on the video monitors behind him, to Lightfoot's rambling speech, to ...

51. Some old David Letterman anniversary show from Radio City Music Hall, where they gave him a tremendous build up and recruited a huge all-star band, and he came out and sang the laziest, slurriest "Like a Rolling Stone" ever. I'm pretty sure he just sang the vowels.

52. After a while we took in the clothes,
Nobody said very much.
Just some old wild shirts and a couple pairs of pants
Which nobody really wanted to touch.
Mama come in and picked up a book
An' Papa asked her what it was.
Someone else asked, "What do you care?"
Papa said, "Well, just because."
Then they started to take back their clothes,
Hang 'em on the line.
It was January the thirtieth
And everybody was feelin' fine.

The next day everybody got up
Seein' if the clothes were dry.
The dogs were barking, a neighbor passed,
Mama, of course, she said, "Hi!"
"Have you heard the news?" he said, with a grin,
"The Vice-President's gone mad!"
"Where?" "Downtown." "When?" "Last night."
"Hmm, say, that's too bad!"
"Well, there's nothin' we can do about it," said the neighbor,
"It's just somethin' we're gonna have to forget."
"Yes, I guess so," said Ma,
Then she asked me if the clothes was still wet.

I reached up, touched my shirt,
And the neighbor said, "Are those clothes yours?"
I said, "Some of 'em, not all of 'em."
He said, "Ya always help out around here with the chores?"
I said, "Sometime, not all the time."
Then my neighbor, he blew his nose
Just as papa yelled outside,
"Mama wants you t' come back in the house and bring them clothes."
Well, I just do what I'm told,
So, I did it, of course.
I went back in the house and Mama met me
And then I shut all the doors.

53:

BF: Who are some of your favorite songwriters?

BD: Buffett I guess. Lightfoot. Warren Zevon. Randy. John Prine. Guy Clark. Those kinds of writers.

BF: What songs do you like of Buffett's?

BD: "Death of an Unpopular Poet." There's another one called "He Went to Paris."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/bob-dylan-exclusive-inter_n_187216.html

54.

"I'm a better singer than Caruso"

and lot's of DLB, of course.

"Give the Anarchist a cigarette", etc...

also, "I'm glad I'm not me!"

There's 100 just in that film!

"Have you heard the news?" he said, with a grin,
"The Vice-President's gone mad!"
"Where?" "Downtown." "When?" "Last night."
"Hmm, say, that's too bad!"

cosign!

58. "I never could learn to drink that blood and to call it wine/I never could learn to hold you, love, and to call you mine"

The bit at 0.50 especially :

59, sorry

60. Hearts of Fire

61. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHOHOHO

HEH

"Start again."

62. Well, out comes a farmer,
He must have thought that I was nuts.
He immediately looked at me
And stuck a gun into my guts.

I fell down
To my bended knees,
Saying, "I dig farmers,
Don't shoot me, please!"

63. There's a woman in my lap and she's/drinking champagne

as someone who has barely heard any of these songs, this thread is absolutely hysterical. makes me wish i owned more than 1 dylan album.

64.Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet
Putting her in a wheel barrow and wheeling her down the street

65. Othello told Desdemona, "I'm cold, cover me with a blanket.
By the way, what happened to that poison wine?"
She says, "I gave it to you, you drank it."

66. ('cause we needed more wilburys, plus lol springsteen)

Tweeter and the monkey man were hard up for cash
They stayed up all night selling cocaine and hash
To an undercover cop who had a sister named jan
For reasons unexplained she loved the monkey man

Tweeter was a boy scout before she went to vietnam
And found out the hard way nobody gives a damn
They knew that they found freedom just across the jersey line
So they hopped into a stolen car took highway 99

(chorus)
And the walls came down all the way to hell
Never saw them when theyre standing
Never saw them when they fell

The undercover cop never liked the monkey man
Even back in childhood he wanted to see him in the can
Jan got married at fourteen to a rackateer named bill
She made secret calls to the monkey man from a mansion on the hill

It was out on thunder road - tweeter at the wheel
They crashed into paradise - they could hear them tires squeal
The undercover cop pulled up and said everyone of yous a liar
If you dont surrender now its gonna go down to the wire

(chorus)

An ambulance rolled up - a state trooper close behind
Tweeter took his gun away and messed up his mind
The undercover cop was left tied up to a tree
Near the souvenir stand by the old abandoned factory

Next day the undercover cop was hot in pursuit
He was taking the whole thing personal
He didnt care about the loot
Jan had told him many times it was you to me who taught
In jersey anythings legal as long as you dont get caught

(chorus)

Someplace by rahway prison they ran out of gas
The undercover cop had cornered them said boy, you didnt
Think that this could last
Jan jumped out of bed said theres someplace I gotta go
She took a gun out of the drawer and said its best if you dont know

The undercover cop was found face down in a field
The monkey man was on the river bridge using tweeter as a shield
Jan said to the monkey man Im not fooled by tweeters curl
I knew him long before he ever became a jersey girl

(chorus)

Now the town of jersey city is quieting down again
Im sitting in a gambling club called the lions den
The tv set been blown up, every bit of it is gone
Ever since the nightly news show that the monkey man was on

I guess Ill to to florida and get myself some sun
There aint no more opportunity here, everythings been done
Sometime I think of tweeter, sometime I think of jan
Sometime I dont think about nothing but the monkey man

(chorus)

"Doesn't sound a bit like cagney!"

finally got around to this new yorker piece and I nearly spit out my coffee laughing at this little scene between Mavis and Dylan in 2016. truly the one who got away. pic.twitter.com/OG0DDU3i7O

— Allison Rapp (@allisonrapp22) July 11, 2022

More of a Dylan-adjacent moment, but when David Lynch and Peter Wolf were roomies in Boston in the late-60's, both wound up at a Dylan show. Halfway through Wolf notices Lynch getting up and leaving, and angrily confronts him in the apartment later that evening. "Nobody walks out on Bob Dylan!" "Fuck you, I walk out of Bob Dylan!"

Would've been the 1964-1965 school year...probably would've been a solo acoustic show, and to be fair, except for the few new songs released on Bringing It All Back Home, Dylan generally would have sounded bored with the old material that formed the bulk of his sets around this time.

LOL at that Dylan-Staples story.

meeting Archibald MacLeish (from Chronicles):

He reiterates a few things he said in his letter. (In his letter, he made mention of some lines in a song of mine that places T. S. Eliot and Ezra Pound symbolically fighting in a captain’s tower.) “Pound and Eliot were too scholastic, weren’t they?” he says. What I know about Pound is that he was a Nazi sympathizer in World War II and did anti-American broadcasts from Italy. I never did read him. I liked T. S. Eliot. He was worth reading. Archie says, “I knew them both. Hard men. We have to go through them. But I know what you mean when you say they are fighting in a captain’s tower.”

I'll tell you this one funny story about them in the Warfield Theatre in 1995. We were getting ready to do the show. I'm getting my clothes on. I see my wife in the green room, and I don't see my daughter. I said, "Deb where's Marcella?" She looks at me, the color drains from her face. She's like, "Isn't she with you?" I go into a panic. At one point, one of our guys sees me and I said, "I'm looking for my kid. Have you seen her?" They're like, "No, man, we'll help you look."

Everybody helped. At one point, I'd looked everywhere except Bob’s dressing room. I go up and knock on the door real quick. His assistant opens it or whatever and there she is.

We were already five minutes late going onstage, and the two of them were holding the show up. I said, "Babe, come on. Bob's got to go to work now." She says, 'Oh, okay." He says, "I want to talk a little more about that later, okay?" She's like, "Okay, Bob." And she grabs her drink and comes out and meets my wife.

At that point, I go to stand with the band and wait for him. They bring the house lights down. Bob stops me with his arm. He says, "We got to do something about that girl."

I said, "Oh man, I'm sorry, she just loves you. I didn't want her to disturb your show." He goes. "No, that girl in art class. She's real mean. We got to do something about her."

We’d gotten Marcella these cowboy boots and there was this mean little girl in her art class who splashed paint on them. Bob asked her, "How'd you get that paint on your cowboy boots?" So while I'm looking for my daughter, she's telling Bob that story, and they're holding the show up. He stops me and says, "Hey, we got to do something about that girl." [laughs]

From: https://dylanlive.substack.com/p/winston-watson-talks-drumming-for?

I'll tell you this one funny story about them in the Warfield Theatre in 1995. We were getting ready to do the show. I'm getting my clothes on. I see my wife in the green room, and I don't see my daughter. I said, "Deb where's Marcella?" She looks at me, the color drains from her face. She's like, "Isn't she with you?" I go into a panic. At one point, one of our guys sees me and I said, "I'm looking for my kid. Have you seen her?" They're like, "No, man, we'll help you look."

Everybody helped. At one point, I'd looked everywhere except Bob’s dressing room. I go up and knock on the door real quick. His assistant opens it or whatever and there she is.

We were already five minutes late going onstage, and the two of them were holding the show up. I said, "Babe, come on. Bob's got to go to work now." She says, 'Oh, okay." He says, "I want to talk a little more about that later, okay?" She's like, "Okay, Bob." And she grabs her drink and comes out and meets my wife.

At that point, I go to stand with the band and wait for him. They bring the house lights down. Bob stops me with his arm. He says, "We got to do something about that girl."

I said, "Oh man, I'm sorry, she just loves you. I didn't want her to disturb your show." He goes. "No, that girl in art class. She's real mean. We got to do something about her."

We’d gotten Marcella these cowboy boots and there was this mean little girl in her art class who splashed paint on them. Bob asked her, "How'd you get that paint on your cowboy boots?" So while I'm looking for my daughter, she's telling Bob that story, and they're holding the show up. He stops me and says, "Hey, we got to do something about that girl." [laughs]

From: https://dylanlive.substack.com/p/winston-watson-talks-drumming-for?

picturing an ill-conceived 90s family comedy... well-meaning, but bumbling dads (inexplicably led by Bob Dylan), try to solve their daughters' problems at school.

the Mike Love diss in his rrhof acceptance speech is hilarious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyqFL9m2odg

the mike love speech was pretty insane so v good idea to take the piss
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZSAQX2uuUY

Love apparently likes to take off his shoes when he performs, and during that night’s all-star jam, Mick Jagger stole his shoes.

cracking up this morning hearing "sign language," a song Dylan donated to Eric Clapton ...

’Twas there by the bakery

Surrounded by fakery

HBD Bob!

haha that's a gorgeous lyric