Craigslist hilarity

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What a coincidence, I know many performers looking for local lunatics to make a profit off of.

DOCTOR CAISNO, BYCREATIVELABBUS (Doctor Casino), Wednesday, 19 October 2016 00:44 (seven years ago) link

I feel like "old footwear" might be a red flag...

Their all losers and I like associating with loser (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 19 October 2016 14:00 (seven years ago) link

now that you mention it the "band memorabilia" stuff does seem like a smokescreen for the shoe thing

slathered in cream and covered with stickers (silby), Wednesday, 19 October 2016 15:24 (seven years ago) link

haha yeah totally. "oh you know, the usual - one dollar for guitar picks, twenty-five cents for cigarette stubs, twenty dollars for underwear worn at the show, one dollar for setlists..."

DOCTOR CAISNO, BYCREATIVELABBUS (Doctor Casino), Wednesday, 19 October 2016 16:51 (seven years ago) link

two weeks pass...
two months pass...

it's fake

mh 😏, Friday, 13 January 2017 20:41 (seven years ago) link

one month passes...

I am speechless......

Lee626, Friday, 24 February 2017 11:18 (seven years ago) link

I'm getting a Death Grips vibe from the out of focus pink thing in the foreground of pic 1.
Best car of all time, obviously.

attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, 24 February 2017 11:47 (seven years ago) link

I wonder what the horn sounds like?

In a separate owl (doo dah), Friday, 24 February 2017 14:42 (seven years ago) link

oh lord the phone

“Yeah. Huh, thanks.” (los blue jeans), Saturday, 25 February 2017 01:50 (seven years ago) link

I wonder what the horn sounds like?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLXQgcx8qTI

niels, Saturday, 25 February 2017 10:29 (seven years ago) link

THE PHONE

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 25 February 2017 17:49 (seven years ago) link

five months pass...

https://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/ofc/6256376954.html

---Interviewing daily---

Hi and thx for visiting.

We're two 30-something executives living in the city with a sweet medium-sized, hypoallergenic dog. Work is crazier than ever which means that we don't have time to maintain our personal lives. We've finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant.

THE PROBLEM:
----------------------

We're resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods -- anything we can grab and munch on in-between working on our computers, we aren't getting enough sleep (8 hrs/night is a must but rarely achieved), that very cute dog I mentioned doesn't have someone to play with daily, personal social media accounts are neglected, I buy fresh flowers but don't have time to trim daily and change the water, indoor plants are dying, vacations and fun trips aren't taken because there's no time to plan them, dirty laundry is neglected until we run out of clean clothes to wear, merchandise that should be returned doesn't get returned, phone calls to customer support don't get made, prescriptions aren't refilled, instead of dry cleaning something it will just never be worn again, pants that are too long never get hemmed, that cute dog doesn't get taught new tricks or get his coat brushed out as often as it needs to be, things that we're meaning to order don't get ordered, items slated for donation sit in a corner for months, groceries aren't put away into the cabinet, the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans, picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganization, appointments aren't scheduled, information isn't updated, nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial"date night" consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we're so exhausted from the work week.

Does the idea of helping us to go from zero to hero in all of the above areas make you smile OR cringe?

For the cringers, feel free to exit now :) Good luck with your search!

For the smilers, you're making me so happy. I know that you're going to help us so much.

THE SOLUTION:
----------------------

Our ideal full-time (or part-time) personal assistant is chill but also gets sh*t done.

Ideally, you have experience being a personal assistant for a CXO in the past (and you really liked it).

You aren't dramatic or tightly wound, however, you're also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You're level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You're down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you're wrong. You aren't too stubborn to apologize. You don't get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren't dramatic and you aren't having regular melt-downs. You're warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is -- big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You're observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say "Oh, I forgot." You believe that there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You're naturally organized and clean. You don't like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they're crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don't feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won't seem happy.) Your friends think that you're the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You're very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look -- whatever that "look" or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you're "bohemian chic" but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you're "cool hipster" but don't wear the super tight jeans that won't leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog's potty bags, you're totally "minimalistic modern" but avoid the white on white look so you're not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

REQUIRED HOURS:
----------------------

Location = SoMa
Commitment = on-call 24/7 for emergencies/urgent/important matters
Hours = Approximately 40 hrs/wk (mostly during the workweek)

TYPICAL SCHEDULE:
----------------------

Mon - Fri
- 10am - 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)
- 11am - 12pm = cleaning home (dishes, laundry, vacuum, dusting, wiping down countertops, clean up rare dog accident, etc.)
- 12pm - 1pm = improving look, ambiance & functionality of home (reorganizing cabinets, refreshing flowers, etc.)
- 1pm - 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)
- 3 pm - 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research, post on our social media for us, planning a trip, ordering things online, scheduling an appointment, organizing receipts & other bookkeeping, taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call, cooking us dinner, food prep for the dog, book us dinner reservations or schedule our "date nights", etc.)

Sat or Sun
- Take the dog to the beach before dropping him off at the dog groomer for a wash and blow out
- Sometimes you may need to help us with something over the weekend

REQUIREMENTS:
----------------------

* Written and spoken English language FLUENCY
* Able to maintain strict confidentiality
* No smokers (cigarettes, marijuana, other)
* No heavy drinkers (max of 5 drinks per week)
* No drug users
* No past criminal record
* Must love dogs and animals
* Valid drivers license (car will be provided if necessary for work) with experience driving in SF
* Experience with GSuite, MSOffice, Adobe Suite
* Experience with MacOS and iOS (computer and phone will be provided)
* Touch typing 60+ WPM
* Prior experience as dog owner
* No injuries or physical constraints that would impede your ability to rearrange furniture, lift a 40 lb dog up several flights of stairs, carry heavy grocery bags or luggage, etc.
* Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)
* Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog
* Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

BONUS POINTS:
----------------------

* Multilingual
* Experience as a personal/executive assistant
* Experience with a high-maintenance dog (long haired, allergies, etc.)
* Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)
* You are a great cook and know how to make both rich, savory vs. lean, healthy meals
* Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures
* Well-traveled
* Experience in high-end/luxury retail or hospitality industry
* Good eye for design and style
* Prior experience reviewing and negotiating contracts
* Prior experience with home redesign, remodel, contractor management
* Physically strong
* Lift weights and/or tone as exercise
* Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)
* You like fashion
* You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley
* Former or current aquarium owner (know how to set up a tank and create an ecosystem)

RULES TO APPLY:
----------------------

1. Submit an email with the subject line: "[INSERT YOUR FULL NAME] + [INSERT YOUR WORST QUALITY]." We're confirming that you read the job description thoroughly, as well as breaking the ice by seeing if you're aware of how you're not perfect :p No one is so feel free to be candid :) If you don't follow that formula for the subject line, your email won't be opened.

2. With your computer webcam or handheld smartphone, record and attach a 5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.). Tell us in what way(s) you're not ideal for us (be transparent, no one is perfect and that's okay, bonus points for honesty). Have you been a personal assistant before? For who? What was a typical day? Why can you be trusted to care for a dog? Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?

3. In your email response, include these 4 social media profiles if you have them (LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) so we can confirm your identity. Also, tell us where you live, how long would it take you to get to SoMa? Do you have a car? If so, what make, model and condition?

WARNING:
----------------------

If you don't follow #1 - 3 then you won't be considered for an interview.

THX FOR READING & WE LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU :

XOXO
Doodle Lovers

Chocolate-covered gummy bears? Not ruling those lil' guys out. (ulysses), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 19:48 (six years ago) link

Subject: Dan Perry + I can't resist applying for terrible jobs I will never, ever want

this iphone speaks many languages (DJP), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:03 (six years ago) link

Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures

softie (silby), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:05 (six years ago) link

obvi these people are a collective piece of work but "likes painting other people's nails" as a nice-to-have really sticks out

softie (silby), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:06 (six years ago) link

can't the wealthy just hire domestics like they used to, why do they have to make servitude into a lifestyle brand

softie (silby), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:07 (six years ago) link

because gig economy

mh, Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:08 (six years ago) link

actually, it sounds like they want a dog au pair

I was kind of o_O a couple years ago about a coworker who had an au pair but in retrospect, room and board for someone who watches your kid and helps out around the house while they aren't in class seemed less horrible after a while

mh, Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:12 (six years ago) link

(max of 5 drinks per week)

change display name (Jordan), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:12 (six years ago) link

Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)

change display name (Jordan), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:12 (six years ago) link

all of the personal grooming (of other people!!) stuff seems really fucking weird though

what if our dog au pair could also brush my hair and do my nails? just spitballing, here

mh, Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:13 (six years ago) link

Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

andrew m., Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:57 (six years ago) link

I'm happiest when cleaning up diarrhea. But I have a minimum of 5 drinks per week.

andrew m., Wednesday, 9 August 2017 20:58 (six years ago) link

I have 5 drinks, all at once, but only when cleaning up dog diarrhea. Drink of choice? Gin with dog diarrhea.

Gaspard de la Nuit: III. ScarJost (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 21:05 (six years ago) link

Sufjan noooo

mh, Wednesday, 9 August 2017 21:07 (six years ago) link

lol @ the first thing you have to tell them in your 5 minute video is how much you loved their post.

Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 21:07 (six years ago) link

xp sorry, sufjan's assistant here. trying to keep those post numbers up.

Gaspard de la Nuit: III. ScarJost (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 21:25 (six years ago) link

Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)

Wait are they talking about the lady or the dog there>?

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Wednesday, 9 August 2017 23:48 (six years ago) link

the man

mh, Thursday, 10 August 2017 00:39 (six years ago) link

's pubic hair

softie (silby), Thursday, 10 August 2017 00:40 (six years ago) link

https://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/act/d/wanted-woman-who-wants-to/6256316306.html

Wanted woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR (concord / pleasant hill / martinez)

I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure.

My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal.

I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me - to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon.

Exact place not set.

If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening.

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.

We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun.
Everything will be aligned in the local universe.
Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets.

In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love...

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me.

nickn, Thursday, 10 August 2017 18:28 (six years ago) link

I just.

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 10 August 2017 18:30 (six years ago) link

Can we change the name from "Craigslist" to "Here Be Crazy"?

this iphone speaks many languages (DJP), Thursday, 10 August 2017 18:41 (six years ago) link

lol whut

and...nitrous?

Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 10 August 2017 18:57 (six years ago) link

commercial with a crazy person failing to direct his erection toward the eclipsed sun >>> elderly man and woman in pre coital spa day

Gaspard de la Nuit: III. ScarJost (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, 10 August 2017 18:57 (six years ago) link

If he's gonna be waving that thing at the sun there probably isn't going to be any conception happening.

they said solar sex would never overtake coal mine sex bc you have to track the sun

Gaspard de la Nuit: III. ScarJost (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, 10 August 2017 19:21 (six years ago) link

seven months pass...

US Congress just passed HR 1865, "FOSTA", seeking to subject websites to criminal and civil liability when third parties (users) misuse online personals unlawfully.

Any tool or service can be misused. We can't take such risk without jeopardizing all our other services, so we are regretfully taking craigslist personals offline. Hopefully we can bring them back some day.

To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through craigslist, we wish you every happiness!

new noise, Friday, 23 March 2018 06:16 (six years ago) link

Wow

valorous wokelord (silby), Friday, 23 March 2018 06:19 (six years ago) link

The whole bill has major ripple effects for Net Neutrality and independent message boards.

Hard to imagine Tinder and OKCupid surviving this, I think, based on sex workers moving further to those platforms as theirs disappear.

... (Eazy), Friday, 23 March 2018 16:25 (six years ago) link

yeah this is bad on multiple levels

sleeve, Friday, 23 March 2018 16:46 (six years ago) link

SESTA/FOSTA is already having a chilling effect on sex workers' ability to discuss their work online, putting any attempt at organizing or harm reduction in serious jeopardy. https://t.co/MIll9q6OFe

— Lower Manhattan DSA (@DSA_L_Manhattan) March 22, 2018

ice cream social justice (Dr Morbius), Friday, 23 March 2018 20:58 (six years ago) link

It's reminiscent of the Patriot Act. Members of Congress are stuck in a bad situation -- what, they're going to vote *against* the Patriot Act / *for* sex trafficking? And also in the sense that the bill is only getting real publicity now that is has passed.

... (Eazy), Friday, 23 March 2018 22:06 (six years ago) link

It’s probably flagrantly unconstitutional in some respect, right?

valorous wokelord (silby), Friday, 23 March 2018 22:13 (six years ago) link

sorta like drone wars

ice cream social justice (Dr Morbius), Saturday, 24 March 2018 02:12 (six years ago) link

I suppose it’s easier to litigate the first amendment than drone wars

valorous wokelord (silby), Saturday, 24 March 2018 02:13 (six years ago) link


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