Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

Also thanks Andrew.

It's not reading them, it's paying enough attention to write and/or care. And these are SO dreadful - this is worse than the New 52 I think. At least that had a premise; this claimed to then turned out not to except in a couple of books (Titans, maybe Action, maybe odd numbered WW) and the rest have the same characters written as different ones (Batgirl being the most obvious example).

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

xp No, the New 52 thread.

This one

https://flic.kr/p/d9PwZ5

But there are SO many pedestrian books doing nothing it's enough to make you fall out of love with hero comics. And SUCH an incoherent mess.

It's been bemusing for years how this hasn't happened to you already!

Aldo, if you need to quit, quit, but this is certainly more enjoyable than reading the books for me.

Btw, in the dodgy DC Heroes RPG fro the 1980s had a map that put Metropolis in Pennsylvania and Gotham in NJ.

i put in two, maybe three months before i couldn't take it. Opt out!

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

dc even gave themselves an out with the concept of hypertime before rejecting it for... uh... reasons i guess

So far Batgirl is the only thing I've enjoyed.

King's Batman stuff is so disappointing against his Marvel work, I can only assume editorial interference (also the art is terrible).

(Which recalls Morrison's Action Comics run, in a "sure thing mysteriously drops the ball" way.)

I think Action Comic is okay considering that it was clear that all his great ideas went into All-Star.

*Comics

it's cool, guys, this just has all the ideas I had that weren't very good

so perfectly suited for the New 52

I guess I mean, even DC's good writers (as few as there are) aren't best served by editorial right now

That first Batman arc really did not make much sense at all.

ALL NEW GIVE LESS FUCKS FORMAT! DON'T GIVE UP TRUE BELIEVERS!

Action: much punching. It turns out that Mr Oz's plan is not after all to trap Doomsday but to test the limits of Superman's powers because people he has no connection with being killed is exactly enough to send him into a murderous rage. Yes, despite him just saying at the end of last issue his plan was the opposite.

Superman punches him to his new brand new secret new Fortress where he has a new secret new Phantom Zone Sucker In which Doomsday goes through. Yes, despite Plastic Man Dog Vacuum Superman being a two way gate to the Phantom Zone in the other book. Good luck writing your way out of that bollocks.

Mr Oz then reveals he interrupted Doomsday being sucked into the Phantom Zone and that his last plan which was undone was ACTUALLY the plan which is less a sucker-punch than shit writing.

Next month we might find out about Not Superman Superman. Whoopee doo.

i approve of this new regiment

Batgirl (the other non-Simone one): Babs gets into Mma and kisses a boy. Ultimately she gets confused by someone who has a tattoo that changes from her left arm to right arm. I'm betting that it turns out to be An art mistake rather than a plot point.

Blue Beetle Rebirth: oh just fuck off. Stop trying to make the Johnsiverse BB work, much less OOH TED KORD PEOPLE LIKE HIM. Plus the woman at the end died in Johnsiverse BB so it explicitly us for people who didn't read it. I REPEAT JUST FUCK OFF.

Deathstroke: to say this is an utter abortion does a disservice to the notion of choice. Instead let's guess which of these lines isn't from the comic:

"Don't blame me for your uterus"
"My bosom wants to come along with you two"
"At least thirty times you were wearing women's knickers"
"Where the bloody Hell were you?" "Golfing mainly."
"Yellow and black aren't a flattering colour combo."

DECIDE NOW!

the last, what do i win

The right not to read another issue of it!

Detective: 22 pages to work out Tim Drake thinks he's Robin. 22 wasted pages.

Hal Jordan: something something Sinestro something something Sinestro something something. I bet even Lantern anal historians dgaf about this any more.

Flash: called Barry's Day Off. Him and his new girlfriend have breakfast in Bali then go back to work, so don't have any time off at all. She teaches Wally (the black one, not the Rebirthed one) how to be the best Flash ever. godspeed you black sprinter! then shows up at STAR Labs and kills everyone while Barry drinks coffee with Iris. Oops.

The Hellblazer: ok, but reminds me of Deadline even more than the last issue. VERY Philip Bond. The most important revelation is that the 'classic' Swamp Thing series is now back in Rebirth continuity which should cause MASSIVE issues but I suspect it'll get dropped before it does. ACTUALLY WORTH READING.

Titans: Abra Kadabra makes a puppet version of the Titans who may just be a brainwashed set of the Titans when they were taken out of time by (it's now clear) him (and not Doctor Manhattan). They beat each other up, but don't, and Garth "dies". Until next month no doubt.

Wonder Woman (the odd numbers): Steve and Diana finally bring their plots together but it might be too late for Steve (but I bet not). Elsewhere, Etta has been conned by a baddie. Pretty but still inconsequential.

The stuff that used to be under the Vertigo banner is honestly the only post-Flashpoint stuff I have any interest in investigating someday.

Wait waht classic Swamp Thing up to the end of Millar's run?

Presumably. ST and Constantine share a joke about when ST took over Constantine's body to have sex with Abby (ST76, Roarin' Rick Veitch era and is definitely that event because they mention the tattoo) so SOME of it is in continuity at least.

Business side update: week over week sales are falling, new titles are launching at much lower sales than the first wave. I hope DC made a shit ton of money on the first month of releases because this isn't helping their bottom line in the long run.

Apparently there's a huge uncertainty over the bi-weekly titles, it's not clear whether they'll drop to monthly permanently, drop tempo, split into two titles or stay as they are.

There's probably nothing new left to say about it, but I finally watched Bats Vs Supes: Justice is Served, and boy, that was not fun. I mean, it seems relatively of a piece with nu-52 DC, so I guess, good for those people? But yeesh. I haven't seen Man of Steel, and the first 45 mins or so I thought, "This isn't as bad as I thought it would be," and "Mark Zuckerberg is fun in an ironic bad 1980s TV adaptation kind of way" but then, as soon as I started feeling good things, it turned into this awful turd fountain and I just fast-forwarded through the last 90 mins.

I mean, I would rather read 200 Chuck Dixon comics than watch that again.

Aquaman #6: It turns out Aquaman has issues about always being considered to be the crap one and all along he (and Mera, so all Atlanteans?) is strong enough to take out Superman. Of course he is. In the other plot (remember that?) it gets two pages again and Black Manta kills the guy in charge to take control. I can't help thinking it'll get cancelled before the two converge.

Batman #6: Gotham Girl has been driven mental and is stopping Gotham's shittiest criminals badly so obviously he stops her by taking his cowl off and telling her his secret identity. He resolves to get anti-mentalist drugs and the only way to get them is by joining the Suicide Squad. OBVIOUSLY.

Cyborg Rebirth: Someone's read The Anatomy Lesson.

Green Arrow #6: Imagine if you weren't the hero in your own book any more and your daughter was, eh? JUST IMAGINE.

Harley Quinn #3: To escape from the zombies the gang go through some spooky tunnels and there's also some aliens and a humorous arm operation involving sexual assault. Compared to most of the other books they get away with the 'throw everything at the plot and see what sticks' approach but it feels weirdly safe at times, or at least in a rut.

Justice League #4: The secret plan of the giant men is to make the planet theirs by destroying it. I for one long for that to happen rather than have this stretch out even longer.

Nightwing #4: Oh good. Another layer of intrigue. Quite fun to read, no fun to explain. Let's just say the Owls are not what they seem. And Hail Hydra.

Supergirl #1: This should be an Archie book. Can we get Kara to switch universes? It would be even better then.

Superman #6: Krypto is back and he and Superman cause a nuclear explosion on the Moon. You know what the best thing about this book is? The lettering. Make of that what you will.

Just read a thing about this weeks Detective Comics that makes Rebirth sound so misconceived, so fundamentally misguided, that it's almost impressive. Ffs...

tell us the thing so we don't have to read the comic

I haven't read the comic either, just read the news.

But the theme of Rebirth was that somebody had taken the connections, the love and the joy out of the DC. And in Detective Comics, they build on this, not by reintroducing love and joy, but by introducing the character who tries to make life as miserable for the heroes as possible, and succeeds. Which is so so wrongheaded, the whole point was to reintroduce the good parts, not make a gory story about someone trying to make it even more joyless. And it really makes me think the DC editors just are complete and utter morons. Though who is surprised.

apparently there's some mystery character ("Mr. Oz") who is abducting people and knows the truth about New 52 being some cosmic plan

I only read that in a web article but, if they introduced Watchmen into continuity and Dr Manhattan is responsible for other shit, it's pretty obviously Ozymandias, right?

yeah, definitely
at this point the only meta approach they have left to take is that we are in the comic reading the comic and we are the characters, now go fight crime

This new Doom Patrol sounds promising, but their pitch for the imprint it's under sounds too much like "we aren't competent enough to run Vertigo, so we got this famous band guy who is a comics dude to lend his cred to us and it's in continuity because we want all our properties intermingled"

Morrison's Doom Patrol was in continuity too! At least theoretically. It even had the Justice League make a guest apperance.

That said, the Umbrella Academy was exactly the sort of gloomy and angsty comic Morrison was against, so I don't have high hopes for Gerard Way's DP.

from the blurb for the first umbrella academy colelction:

Gerard Way, of My Chemical Romance, makes his comics writing debut in this outrageous superhero epic that Grant Morrison called ‘an ultraviolet psychedelic sherbet bomb of wit and ideas.’

sounds like he liked it!

Yeah, apparently they're pals, because Morrison appeared in his band's music video. Doesn't change the fact that UA has loads of the sort of angsty, emo garbage Morrison normally avoids in his comics.

Have you read Morrison's Doom Patrol?

Yes, and it ends on a more positive, anti-gloomy note than pretty much any other comic I've ever read.

UA is sneaky, because it's starts with an awesome, Morrisonesque scene involving the Eiffel Tower... But that just gets you lured in, and the rest of is like Claremont's mutant soap drama to a tenth degree.

xp yes but it gets there through unending mental turmoil!

I get MCR confused with Fall Out Boy.

Morrison puts his characters through endless mental turmoil, but you get the feeling he actually *likes* his characters, and the gauntlet will end with some kind of bittersweet triumph. He's very good (or used to be very good) at sustaining tension - those triumphs feel earned, and they usually come about in totally unpredictable ways. Every great Grant Morrison story feels like a tragedy, until it suddenly isn't.

Anyway - Umbrella Academy was (iirc) too masochistic about its characters - Hickman has the same problem.

I've already preordered all of the Young Animal stuff that's been solicited thus far. We'll see how long it takes me to regret that decision.