Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

Years after the fact, I found that the post-Crisis titles were a great introduction to DC (particularly the Superman stuff, which I read about a decade of from the Byrne reboot on). For the most part, they were streamlined, coherent, and fun. Reading about this Rebirth shit just gives me a damn headache.

How's it going with the lightness and feels that Johns promised was coming back to the DCU? So far they've killed a Louis Lane and a Krypto, right?

New Super-man has it, maybe? There's maybe more humour in the Bat titles (NB I HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT THIS WEEK'S BATMAN YET).

There's definitely an attempt to make them more like Marvel books, with zingy chat and real life politics.

lol I read Batman this week and I have to give Tom King all kinds of credit for having Batman say "USE THE BATPHONE" to Alfred

Aquaman #5

w: Dan Abnett a: Philippe Briones

Dealing with the fallout of Mera busting Arthur out of SuperGuantanamo there's a lot of debating goes on. Should Arthur and/or Mera kill soldiers? Should soldiers kill them? Should POTUS have them executed? Should they get AquaDivorced because they can't agree on murdering?

There are single pages of Atlantis, Black Manta and Crikeywoman to remind us those plots exist, then it's back to the punching (to the point where the Aquacouple take the piss out of punching always being the answer.

Finally Superman turns up on POTUS' orders to persuade Arthur to stop fighting because they're mates.

1) Since when was Superman POTUS' lapdog?
2) This is 80s Superman and he knows he's not the Johnsiverse Superman. He's probably never even MET Johnsiverse Aquaman before (or Rebirth Aquaman, because they might not be the same one given Rebirth Mera seems not to be Johnsiverse Mera). So where does this personal relationship appear from?

I have no desire to read any more of these.

Batgirl & The Birds of Prey #1

w: Julie and Shawna Benson a: Claire Roe

Oh look, Gotham has a functioning underground rail service again. Presumably that's a different one from the never commissioned one that enables the BatTrain in Detective? But what do I know, I just read the books...

Babs Not Batgirl Series Babs and the Huntress follow a guy in a car that's driving while dead of bat bites and then Huntress disappears while telling anybody who's listening (luckily no-one) Babs and Dinah's secret identities. Dinah has been stopping a train with the help of Oracle, who you'll remember from the last issue (and from Babs mentioning it in this one) might be a baddie. After that it's just page after page of incoherent crap. Adding layer upon layer of detail doesn't make you a better writer, it means you can't tell a story properly. And having a DO YOU SEE on every page doesn't make you clever, it's just BORING. It's all a bit Agatha Christie, where the murderer or the weapon or the Maguffin is introduced a couple of pages before the detective works it out.

I now have no idea what the plot is supposed to be or who the protagonists are. In 2 issues. One of which was purely Rebirth setup. A car crash.

Batman #5

w: Tom King a: David Finch w/ inks by Finch and three others

Gotham (the person, not the city) has gone mad so Bat-Alfred takes him down. Well he almost does. I guess that takes care of the comedy part of the issue.

Of course Batman is the one that punches him. And kicks him. And blows him up with a car. And crashes a plane into him.

But none of this works so Bats calls in the Justice League to do it instead. And they can't either. So Gotham Girl explains the whole of their plot then kills him.

Exit, pursued by a Bat.

Tom King really is doing this for the bucks. Totally perfunctory. Despite this it's still probably in the top 10 Rebirth books, maybe even top 5. Christ, that's depressing.

Green Arrow #5

w: Benjamin Percy a: Juan Ferreyra

The evil bankers are torturing Dinah while Ollie and Diggle try and rescue her on a boat. A boat you say? Yes, didn't I mention that the bankers' hideout is a giant wheel thing in the sea? (Which must be quite close to shore, because they get there in an inflatable, yet is SECRET).

They break in and pretend to be bankers so they can attend the SATANIC BOARD MEETING. Ollie's ALL PROPERTY IS THEFT shtick is shown for the farce it is when Diggle suggest blowing their base up will defeat the bankers forever but Ollie refuses because they stole it from him therefore it's his and I AIN'T GONNA BLOW UP MY OWN SHIT NIGGA.

So they try and win by negotiation which goes well until Ollie finds the strongroom at which point he goes all Scrooge McDuck MINE ALL MINE and their plans go to shit.

Emiko solves it all because she's been in charge since the beginning playing both sides, and Dinah smoothes with Ollie to make his dreams of avarice go away. They kill lots of bankers then Ollie blows their base up after all.

But he gets cut off on a bridge and falls in the sea! And wakes up back on 'the' island 'again'! Holy I Have No Idea What The Continuity Of Rebirth Arrow Is ArrowMan!

And just like that, all the momentum is sucked out of the book. 5 issues just thrown away. Pointless.

Green Lanterns #5

w: Sam Humphries a: Robson Rocha & Eduardo Pansica & Jay Leisten & Julio Ferreira

The Hell Tower (which, remember from the last issue, was 75% of the diameter of the Earth) has now reached the centre of the Earth (which, remember from BASIC FUCKING COMMON SENSE is 50% of the diameter of the Earth). The Rage Seed, Atrocitous' whole plan, turns out to be a furball coughed up by Dex-Starr. Yes, really.

The Green and Red Lanterns are fighting before Guantanamo Lantern reveals he has a new Lantern power - Emerald Sight - which might coincidentally be like what's going on at Marvel just now about seeing the future and sees the Justice League taken over by Atrocitous (which presumably means he and Agoraphobic Lantern are going to fail in the next couple of issues). They appear to at the end of the issue. I'm not sure I can be bothered finding out if they do.

Harley Quinn #2

w: Jimmy Palmiotti & Amanda Conner a: Bret Blevins, Chad Hardin & John Timms

It turns out the centre of the zombie chaos is Nathan's hot dog place and there is some kind of force field half a mile from there which stops the zombies from getting to Brighton Beach or wherever the cops are and neatly constrains the plot so Harley has to deal with it. It's the usual goofball nonsense with several mise-en-scenes showing Harley dealing with the zombies before Glenn Danzig turns up with his shotgun to help. Eventually they all get trapped in a bumper car cage and look to be done for before Poison Ivy (the cool fun one from HQ, not the miserable one from her own Johnsiverse title) turns up with a brushcutter to mow down a path through. Roll on next month.

Justice League #3

w: Bryan Hitch a: Tony S Daniel & Sandu Florea

The people who have siphoned power in #1 which got reversed in #2 have now fused together to make giant people called The Kindred. What's an appropriate JL response? Talk to them and find out what they want? Nah, just punch them in their giant face. The Kindred get bored of it pretty quickly so suck Wonder Woman in through their mouth then get up for a walk.

Lanterns go to space and smash some potentially unrelated spaceships they find through a wormhole because they're they. Superman has a whole teary OOOH I MIGHT DIE goodbye to Lois before Cyborg boomtubes him to where the giant in-planet bombs are from last issue, which appears to be like space only with more pressure and hotter. Didn't Superman fly into the sun? Shouldn't that make this a doddle?

Aquaman at least talks to the Kindred but what they tell him is worse than useless. It then turns its back on him to join his mates playing ring-a-roses. Superman finds the bomb but realises he can't do anything about it. Well DUH. "I don't know what to do." I do, stop reading.

Nightwing

w: Tim Seeley a: Javier Fernández

Cold open sees Batgirl Babs lambast Nightwang for letting Raptor kill an innocent man. Does this mean she'd be ok with him being killed if he was guilty? Doesn't that go against the Bat-Code or something? Still, let's join the dots...

In the past, Batgirl Babs turns up while Raptor and Nightwang are about to break into the home of a famous maze builder. Of course, because she's Batgirl Babs she's already a better fighter than Raptor (who we established last time is better than Nightwang) so she beats him easily. Nightwang then fills her in about exactly what's going on but she's only bothered about having been stood up last time. Eventually they break in and make their way through a variety of traps before Raptor solves a tarot one first and sucker-punches Batgirl Babs to get to the beginning of the issue first. The Owls are really happy because they were never interested in the house really, just in making Nightwang look a twat in front of Babs. Once they've hung up the video phone to celebrate in private, it's revealed that this was a giant double bluff by Nightwang and Raptor and the guy isn't really dead and Raptor is now a good guy who wants to bring down the Owls.

Babs is pissed off not to have been let in on the plan, and tells Dick not to arrange another date with her because he swings both ways too much. She knows her head that one.

Suicide Squad #1

w: Rob Williams a: Jim Lee & Scott Williams

Someone hasn't told Rob Williams the premise of this book. We see Waller pick the team for her mission - Harley, Deadshot, Boomerang, Croc and June Moone. Spot the flaw? NONE OF THEM ARE GOING TO GET KILLED OFF NOW ARE THEY, ERGO NO SUSPENSE.

They have to steal something from Russia. The only way into Russia these days is to freefall from space and in doing so Croc nearly drowns in his own vomit. That's about as exciting as it gets tbh.

Backup drawn by Jason Fabok

Deadshot is only a bad guy because someone once threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't shoot Bruce Wayne. The ONLY reason. Is this what we've become in the Rebirthiverse?

Supergirl Rebirth

w: Steve Orlando a: Emanuela Lupacchino & Ray McCarthy

Rebirth Supergirl is back with the Scientist Danvers like the TV show and is off on an experimental flight into the Sun when a Kryptonian Werewolf falls out of the Phantom Zone and she comes back to beat it before it causes too much damage. He stops being a werewolf and they repair the damage. The DEO decide to put her into a secret identity, which is as a student in a special science school.

That's all. Yet somehow it's still the second best book this week, nearly the top spot. It's amazing how enjoyable an actual well done comic is.

Superman #5

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Doug Mahnke & Jaime Mendoza

On the moon Supes is busy hiding Lois and Superkiddy in the secret Batcave there. OH NOES Plastic Man Vacuum Superman has followed them there! OH NOES OH NOES HE VACUUMS IN SUPERMAN LIKE HE DID KRYPTO!

He's after Superkiddy next so Lois goes looking for something to fight him with and finds the Batman Iron Man Suit. The two of them punch him until he vomits out Superman who is going to punch him next issue. Perfectly serviceable Comics, although he could have brought Krypto with him.

And I have to say, I'm close to the point to giving up. Before all the books have launched (but not before some have been apparently cancelled). He'll, they're not even done with the Johnsiverse yet, Doctor Fate launched a new storyline just this week.

But there are SO many pedestrian books doing nothing it's enough to make you fall out of love with hero comics. And SUCH an incoherent mess.

I don't know any more.

Dude, if you need to stop, stop - I don't think anyone is thinking this is good for you.

why do you keep saying "Guantanamo Lantern", what does that mean

It's the Green Lantern whose defining characteristic is that he was in Guantanamo Bay and getting the ring bust him out. He was also responsible for the Geoff Johns Doom cryingeagle.jpg (see Johnsiverse thread for picture).

Is that the convergence clusterfuck thread?

Also thanks Andrew.

It's not reading them, it's paying enough attention to write and/or care. And these are SO dreadful - this is worse than the New 52 I think. At least that had a premise; this claimed to then turned out not to except in a couple of books (Titans, maybe Action, maybe odd numbered WW) and the rest have the same characters written as different ones (Batgirl being the most obvious example).

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

xp No, the New 52 thread.

This one

https://flic.kr/p/d9PwZ5

But there are SO many pedestrian books doing nothing it's enough to make you fall out of love with hero comics. And SUCH an incoherent mess.

It's been bemusing for years how this hasn't happened to you already!

Aldo, if you need to quit, quit, but this is certainly more enjoyable than reading the books for me.

Btw, in the dodgy DC Heroes RPG fro the 1980s had a map that put Metropolis in Pennsylvania and Gotham in NJ.

i put in two, maybe three months before i couldn't take it. Opt out!

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

dc even gave themselves an out with the concept of hypertime before rejecting it for... uh... reasons i guess

So far Batgirl is the only thing I've enjoyed.

King's Batman stuff is so disappointing against his Marvel work, I can only assume editorial interference (also the art is terrible).

(Which recalls Morrison's Action Comics run, in a "sure thing mysteriously drops the ball" way.)

I think Action Comic is okay considering that it was clear that all his great ideas went into All-Star.

*Comics

it's cool, guys, this just has all the ideas I had that weren't very good

so perfectly suited for the New 52

I guess I mean, even DC's good writers (as few as there are) aren't best served by editorial right now

That first Batman arc really did not make much sense at all.

ALL NEW GIVE LESS FUCKS FORMAT! DON'T GIVE UP TRUE BELIEVERS!

Action: much punching. It turns out that Mr Oz's plan is not after all to trap Doomsday but to test the limits of Superman's powers because people he has no connection with being killed is exactly enough to send him into a murderous rage. Yes, despite him just saying at the end of last issue his plan was the opposite.

Superman punches him to his new brand new secret new Fortress where he has a new secret new Phantom Zone Sucker In which Doomsday goes through. Yes, despite Plastic Man Dog Vacuum Superman being a two way gate to the Phantom Zone in the other book. Good luck writing your way out of that bollocks.

Mr Oz then reveals he interrupted Doomsday being sucked into the Phantom Zone and that his last plan which was undone was ACTUALLY the plan which is less a sucker-punch than shit writing.

Next month we might find out about Not Superman Superman. Whoopee doo.

i approve of this new regiment

Batgirl (the other non-Simone one): Babs gets into Mma and kisses a boy. Ultimately she gets confused by someone who has a tattoo that changes from her left arm to right arm. I'm betting that it turns out to be An art mistake rather than a plot point.

Blue Beetle Rebirth: oh just fuck off. Stop trying to make the Johnsiverse BB work, much less OOH TED KORD PEOPLE LIKE HIM. Plus the woman at the end died in Johnsiverse BB so it explicitly us for people who didn't read it. I REPEAT JUST FUCK OFF.

Deathstroke: to say this is an utter abortion does a disservice to the notion of choice. Instead let's guess which of these lines isn't from the comic:

"Don't blame me for your uterus"
"My bosom wants to come along with you two"
"At least thirty times you were wearing women's knickers"
"Where the bloody Hell were you?" "Golfing mainly."
"Yellow and black aren't a flattering colour combo."

DECIDE NOW!

the last, what do i win

The right not to read another issue of it!

Detective: 22 pages to work out Tim Drake thinks he's Robin. 22 wasted pages.

Hal Jordan: something something Sinestro something something Sinestro something something. I bet even Lantern anal historians dgaf about this any more.

Flash: called Barry's Day Off. Him and his new girlfriend have breakfast in Bali then go back to work, so don't have any time off at all. She teaches Wally (the black one, not the Rebirthed one) how to be the best Flash ever. godspeed you black sprinter! then shows up at STAR Labs and kills everyone while Barry drinks coffee with Iris. Oops.

The Hellblazer: ok, but reminds me of Deadline even more than the last issue. VERY Philip Bond. The most important revelation is that the 'classic' Swamp Thing series is now back in Rebirth continuity which should cause MASSIVE issues but I suspect it'll get dropped before it does. ACTUALLY WORTH READING.

Titans: Abra Kadabra makes a puppet version of the Titans who may just be a brainwashed set of the Titans when they were taken out of time by (it's now clear) him (and not Doctor Manhattan). They beat each other up, but don't, and Garth "dies". Until next month no doubt.

Wonder Woman (the odd numbers): Steve and Diana finally bring their plots together but it might be too late for Steve (but I bet not). Elsewhere, Etta has been conned by a baddie. Pretty but still inconsequential.

The stuff that used to be under the Vertigo banner is honestly the only post-Flashpoint stuff I have any interest in investigating someday.

Wait waht classic Swamp Thing up to the end of Millar's run?

Presumably. ST and Constantine share a joke about when ST took over Constantine's body to have sex with Abby (ST76, Roarin' Rick Veitch era and is definitely that event because they mention the tattoo) so SOME of it is in continuity at least.

Business side update: week over week sales are falling, new titles are launching at much lower sales than the first wave. I hope DC made a shit ton of money on the first month of releases because this isn't helping their bottom line in the long run.

Apparently there's a huge uncertainty over the bi-weekly titles, it's not clear whether they'll drop to monthly permanently, drop tempo, split into two titles or stay as they are.

There's probably nothing new left to say about it, but I finally watched Bats Vs Supes: Justice is Served, and boy, that was not fun. I mean, it seems relatively of a piece with nu-52 DC, so I guess, good for those people? But yeesh. I haven't seen Man of Steel, and the first 45 mins or so I thought, "This isn't as bad as I thought it would be," and "Mark Zuckerberg is fun in an ironic bad 1980s TV adaptation kind of way" but then, as soon as I started feeling good things, it turned into this awful turd fountain and I just fast-forwarded through the last 90 mins.

I mean, I would rather read 200 Chuck Dixon comics than watch that again.

Aquaman #6: It turns out Aquaman has issues about always being considered to be the crap one and all along he (and Mera, so all Atlanteans?) is strong enough to take out Superman. Of course he is. In the other plot (remember that?) it gets two pages again and Black Manta kills the guy in charge to take control. I can't help thinking it'll get cancelled before the two converge.

Batman #6: Gotham Girl has been driven mental and is stopping Gotham's shittiest criminals badly so obviously he stops her by taking his cowl off and telling her his secret identity. He resolves to get anti-mentalist drugs and the only way to get them is by joining the Suicide Squad. OBVIOUSLY.

Cyborg Rebirth: Someone's read The Anatomy Lesson.

Green Arrow #6: Imagine if you weren't the hero in your own book any more and your daughter was, eh? JUST IMAGINE.

Harley Quinn #3: To escape from the zombies the gang go through some spooky tunnels and there's also some aliens and a humorous arm operation involving sexual assault. Compared to most of the other books they get away with the 'throw everything at the plot and see what sticks' approach but it feels weirdly safe at times, or at least in a rut.

Justice League #4: The secret plan of the giant men is to make the planet theirs by destroying it. I for one long for that to happen rather than have this stretch out even longer.

Nightwing #4: Oh good. Another layer of intrigue. Quite fun to read, no fun to explain. Let's just say the Owls are not what they seem. And Hail Hydra.

Supergirl #1: This should be an Archie book. Can we get Kara to switch universes? It would be even better then.

Superman #6: Krypto is back and he and Superman cause a nuclear explosion on the Moon. You know what the best thing about this book is? The lettering. Make of that what you will.

Just read a thing about this weeks Detective Comics that makes Rebirth sound so misconceived, so fundamentally misguided, that it's almost impressive. Ffs...

tell us the thing so we don't have to read the comic

I haven't read the comic either, just read the news.

But the theme of Rebirth was that somebody had taken the connections, the love and the joy out of the DC. And in Detective Comics, they build on this, not by reintroducing love and joy, but by introducing the character who tries to make life as miserable for the heroes as possible, and succeeds. Which is so so wrongheaded, the whole point was to reintroduce the good parts, not make a gory story about someone trying to make it even more joyless. And it really makes me think the DC editors just are complete and utter morons. Though who is surprised.

apparently there's some mystery character ("Mr. Oz") who is abducting people and knows the truth about New 52 being some cosmic plan

I only read that in a web article but, if they introduced Watchmen into continuity and Dr Manhattan is responsible for other shit, it's pretty obviously Ozymandias, right?

yeah, definitely
at this point the only meta approach they have left to take is that we are in the comic reading the comic and we are the characters, now go fight crime