Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

It's nothing epic but it's the first time I've thought one was good enough to keep reading out of choice, rather than hate-slash-curiosity. I didn't like the Cam Stewart run much (nice art, dull writing).

Action Comics #960

w: Dan Jurgens a: Tyler Kirkham

Mr Oz kicks things off by saying things have moved to quickly so far. NOT FROM WHERE I'M SITTING MATEY.

Wonder Woman saves Not Superman Superman who remembers 80s Superman dying the first time against Doomsday. Wonder Woman flies off in disgust because Not Superman Superman doesn't want to jump her bones and they punch Doomsday for the infinity-1th time.

Doomsday finally gets bored of being tickled and runs off to play with Superkiddy (who he has heard cheering his dad on with his new Doomhearing).

After a science lecture where Wonder Woman (who is clearly an evolutionary biologist these days) explains to Luthor Superman how Doomsday came to be, 80s Superman and WW fly off to find Superkiddy and 80s Lois before Doomsday. 80s Lois and WW have a really weird conversation about how they should be all Bros Before Hos about 80s Superman despite it being Johnsiverse Superman that was doing the rinky-dink with WW and how did the 80s couple even know about it anyway? Was Johnsiverse Superman bragging about it on I Love Being Superman?

Anyhow, on the last page Doomsday punches WW. Really? This is moving quickly? Wake me when it's over.

Aquaman #4

w: Dan Abnett a: Philippe Briones

Arthur gets put in Super Guantanamo, Mera chats to her mate on the Aquaphone. That's the first half of the comic dealt with.

In the second half, it turns out the sunk ship was all an attempt to frame Atlantis (during which we also find out that Navy Seal divers are better at fighting underwater than Atlantean soldiers). In some very wordy pages Black Manta gets the bad guy organisation explained to him then Mera busts Arthur out of prison to go home but there are lots of soldiers.

This is meandering rubbish. I have it in me to have a soft spot for Aquaman but this is turning even me off.

Batgirl #1

w: Hope Larson a: Rafael Albuquerque

This was really fun.

Babs is in Japan tracking down a Japanese pre-WW2 Japanese hero called the Fruit Bat to interview her for completeness in her Big Book Of Female Heroes I Have Spoken To. She buddies up with a childhood friend and they eat some food before having a fight with a Sailor Moon-inspired villain which gets broken up by the Fruit Bat. The fight takes it out of her though (hey, she's over 100, give her a break) and she tells Babs she needs to find someone to teach her how to fight better.

It's fun and light and well written with great art. It's never less than engaging. BUT...

This is obviously a different Batgirl to the one in the other Batgirl book. It feels completely like the Batgirl of Burnside, the new, young, totally rebooted Batgirl for whom the Killing Joke never happened (except it did because she refers to being in wheelchair, but that could just have been another false memory). Also since when was Batman a shitty teacher that couldn't teach people how to fight properly? I just can't reconcile the two Rebirth Batgirls at all.

Apart from that, the next issue can't come quickly enough.

Batman #4

w: Tom King a: David Finch & Sandra Hope & Matt Banning

Batman is really losing patience with Gotham (the man, not the city) who reacts badly when Batman tells him and throws a girder through the Batmobile.

Then, though the world's most contrived connecting plot Batman realises Amanda Waller is involved and breaks into her office. She admits she is responsible for Hugo Strange and the Psycho Pirate but it's gone TOTALLY wrong and could you sort it out please Bats? So he goes to see Gotham who has unfortunately gone all murdery.

The pacing is all over the shop in this book. The Waller plot is quite well done but Gotham and Gotham Girl were introduced at pace then very rapidly became something completely different. And it feels like this is all a lead-up to the Monster Men crossover but that can't be Hugo Strange because he was in prison until this book started but we all know it will be. Still very readable though.

Detective Comics #937

w: James Tynion IV a: Alvaro Martinez & Raul Fernández

Batman escapes from Colony, almost as a matter of course while they are jizzing themselves about his utility belt. In other news, Robin has invented the BatTrain by using the Gotham Underground that doesn't exist.

Batman flirts with a new kid genius now that Oracle isn't Oracle and there might be a bad Oracle instead, even pausing for a selfie with him. They watch some torture porn together to get in the mood before Bats breaks his arm as foreplay. But then Batwoman's dad turns up so Bats drops him like yesterday's fried chicken and they talk at length at each other trying to show who's bestest. Batwoman decides to break up the brodown with a fight. Bat-hangers-on attack!

Green Arrow #4

w: Benjamin Percy a: Juan Ferreyra

And of course Green Arrow now takes place in a continuity where the police get to lock up vigilantes. OF COURSE HE DOES. Diggle turns up to kill him to show how much he loves him.

Black Canary in the meantime gets on with the actual plot because she doesn't know that Ollie solved it last issue (and apparently still thinks he's dead although I was sure she'd met him since he was still alive). This involves her getting knocked out and kidnapped awaiting rescue.

It then turns out Diggle didn't want to kill Ollie, just have a laugh and knock him in the water like Robin Hood. OH, YOU BIG SILLY.

It turns out the BANKERS whole secret is an extended riff on the soap burn bit from Fight Club. Woohoo. Eventually they make contact with Ollie through his new computer expert (because everybody likes Felicity on the telly so he needs one) and point out they have a hostage. OH REALLY. Better go save her then.

Green Lanterns #4

w: Sam Humphries a: three pencillers, SIX (count 'em) inkers

That's right Guantanamo Lantern, kick the book off in the now traditional way of recapping the previous issues for people just joining us. Hell Tower, Rage Seed yadda yadda. The tunnel to the centre of the Earth for the Rage Seed is not there yet, because it's only gone 5000 miles. THE DIAMETER OF THE PLANET IS LESS THAN 8000 MILES FFS. But Guantanamo Lantern doesn't care about just how wrong this is, he's more worried that he lost the teddy bear he shoplifted. GET ONE PRIORITY.

Elsewhere the Last Guardian is explaining why he's great while playing with Guantanamo Lantern's nephew, the intended recipient of the purloined bear. Not sure the bear's going to cut it after having been flown around by the Dungeon Master from the D&D cartoon show.

The two Lanterns have a bonding session and decides to be friends after all then the buddy cop show flies back out of the hole only for DexStarr to vomit on them and then Atrocitous to stand heroically and tell them that next issue will be the one where the plot advances. I wish it could have been this one.

Hal Jordan & the GL Corps #1

w: Robert Venditti a: Rafa Sandoval & Jordi Tarragona

Oh yeah, this is the one with the old Sinestro on a fake planet with Parallax as company and Hal looking for other Lanterns except we know from Johnsiverse GLC that they don't. Maybe.

So why not throw all that out and have Sinestro rejuvenated by consuming Parallax's power and have the Sinestro Corps do the GLC's job. Hal can beat up Abelard Snazz Lantern to make him feel better about it.

But what's that? We were promised the GLC so we'd better get them? Then why not have John Stewart and Guy Gardner and Kilowog and all the rest come back on the last page and undo at least a year of GL continuity? I mean they're only readers whose money you've taken, right DC?

Harley Quinn #1

w: Amanda Conner & Jimmy Palmiotti a: Chad Hardin

Here's a plan. Why not take a comic and cancel it because of a company-wide reboot then a week later publish a #1 that follows directly on from the previous issue (and explicitly says so in a boxout on page 1) and changes NOTHING.

It's actually not a bad plan when the book in question is a lot of fun and one of your best sellers, but makes a mockery of Rebirth as a concept. It's also not a bad plan when it's a goofball comic that never really fitted in your continuity anyway.

But because this is a #1, it's in the rules to explain everything that happened before so Harley does all that. Although she leaves out all the stuff about Popeye, and the Inspector Gadget Pensioner. Even if it does take up half the issue.

For the rest, why not take the plot of Skrull Kill Krew and make it about zombies instead? Then end it by throwing the Red Tool (a psycho villain who's a bit like a Costco version of the Punisher and talks in really cool speech bubbles) to hospital in the Scatapult (a catapult Harley has been using to throw bags of shit into unsuspecting neighbourhoods as an art terrorist happening).

Either that sounds like fun or it doesn't. I still get a kick out of it, but then I liked it last week too.

Justice League #2

w: Bryan Hitch a: Tony S Daniel & Sandu Florea

Everyone has their powers back like the last issue never happened (except of course it did, because this issue is about stopping the bad things from the last issue). It turns out there are giant bombs in the Earth and then an alium invasion happens and then oh I just don't fucking care.

Nightwing #1

w: Tim Seeley a: Javier Fernández

Yeah we get it Dick, you used to do trapeze then you were an orphan. So, in the huge Rebirth EARTHSHATTERING CHANGE Nightwang goes from working undercover as a double agent for Spyral to working undercover as a double agent for the Court of Owls. PLUS CA CHANGE.

The Owls realise that he's a shit double agent so he zings them then walks off having taken the moral high ground to zing Batman instead about how he's a shit fighting teacher. Between this and Batgirl I'd say Bats is having a tough time of it and MAYBE THEY HAVE A POINT.

Then, to ram it home, the guy the Owls have shadowing Nightwang kicks his arse then says the reason he could do it so easily is because Batman couldn't teach a labrador to eat spaghetti quickly. This really is kick Batman when he's down month.

Nightwing #2

w: Tim Seeley a: Javier Fernández

Because why not have issues on consecutive weeks.

A whole issue of why Batman is shit, starting off with him throwing a guy off a rooftop to teach DickRobin a life lesson.

Raptor and Nightwang fly off in the Raptorcopter and Batgirl explains that she's the Babs from Batgirl and not the other one, because with the team from Detective and the Gotham kids from Batman there are just too many heroes in Gotham for her to need to be there. Raptor teaching Nightwang seems to work for him because he starts describing his fighting style as "sort of like a freestyle rap battle".

It turns out that yet again the bad guys are doing human trafficking. Is this a major world scandal that passed me by or are DC just randomly shoehorning it into books?

So they get rescued and the Owls are happy. To celebrate Dick stands up Babs on a date he arranged. What a catch.

Red Hood & The Outlaws Rebirth

w: Scott Lobdell a: Dexter Soy

Q: Is there any point in a Jason Todd origin story in 2016?

A: No.

Suicide Squad Rebirth

w: Rob Williams a: Philip Tan and three different inkers

Obama is upset at Amanda Waller so she gets Rick Flag to lead it. Some shit happens with some Mongolian superpowers but they all get shot on the final page to prove Rick Flag's a good guy.

This is rank. Absolutely stinks. And doesn't appear to be in the same continuity as Batman.

Superman #4

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Patrick Gleason & Mick Gray

80s Superman and Superkiddy have a team-up and punch Plastic Man Dog Vacuum Superman's face off. This makes Krypton try and reconstitute itself from bits of the moon and the ghosts that come out of the hole where Plastic Man Dog Vacuum Superman's head used to be.

When his head grows back he tries to vacuum them back in but they like it out there and work with Superman to try and escape to the moon because reasons. Really.

Flash #3

w: Joshua Williamson a: Carmine di Giandomenico

Barry has performance anxiety issues because it turns out whatever turned August into a speedster has also turned 3/4 of Central City into speedsters and STAR Labs are doing what STAR Labs do best and trying to make them all faster.

Black Hole may or may not have been behind this release of the Speed Force but exploiting it in ways yet unknown is a new superbadguy called... GODSPEED. Maybe his sidekick will be Mogwai, who knows.

Very much treading water, and this early.

Titans #1

w: Dan Abnett a: Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund

ACTUAL REBIRTH CONTENT KLAXON

Ok, it's just a recap of the Ginger Wally content of Rebirth to date.

AS YOU WERE

So the Titans storyline is about 'fixing' what happened in Rebirth. The 80s Titans do some Titans hanging out stuff like taking the piss out of Wally because HE LIKES A GURL and Lilith tries to help him remember but in doing so unwrites some more of the stuff undone by the mystery hand.

She undoes Abra Kadabra forgetting who he was. He suddenly remembers and proclaims he was the one that made Ginger Wally disappear.

Is that the big secret about Rebirth, that it doesn't actually have anything to do with Doctor Manhattan after all and DC has just been leading people down the garden path for shits 'n' giggles? I'm not kidding, I think I'll die laughing at the fanboy outrage.

Wonder Woman #3

w: Greg Rucka a: Liam Sharp

BACK IN THE JUNGLE

WW and the Cheetah kiss and make up while Steve Trevor tries to stop Boko Haram. It looks like they end up in the same jungle but the whole thing goes nowhere. This issue might as well not have happened.

Holy shit

this was the month i've stopped all these except for batman and even that's not very good.

http://icv2.com/articles/news/view/35161/icv2-interview-jim-lee-dan-didio-san-diego-comic-con-part-1

I was looking at the Top 100 comic books list recently. I think the #50 was hovering around 30,000 copies. The #100 book was around 18,000 copies, which means that about 300 titles that month, (because there’s about 400 titles per month) were under 18,000 copies. That’s not a sustainable or viable business.

I have wondered about the economics of the Big Two putting out 50+ titles a month. I mean, print sales are actually rising by all accounts, but it seems like volume like that would catch up with you eventually. I guess the retailers wind up taking it on the chin more often than not, but I guess it's unsustainable to run your retailers out of business, as well.

"We drove them out of business in the '90s, we can drive them out of business again! Would you like a 1:50 variant cover?"

For two guys running one of the top 3 comics companies in the US, they seem pretty glib and uninformed. I mean, that's not surprising given their output, but still kind of gobsmacking for industry "leaders".

Action #961

w: Dan Jurgens a: Stephen Segovia & Art Thibert

Luthor Superman and Not Superman Superman discuss whether you can prop up a skyscraper before Luthor Superman melts it with jet fuel his power glove. This isn't the best plan and Superwoman dives in to save them. Yes, Superwoman, who Mr Oz helpfully points out is Lois Lane. (I'll spoil Superwoman for now and confirm it's the Johnsiverse Lois. THIS MAY BE IMPORTANT.) Upstate (which state is Metropolis in? Does anyone care?) it's punchytown until WW carelessly leaves her sword sticking in Doomsday which he throws at Superkiddy. He goes understandably mental and may be more superpowered than his dad, and WW, and maybe both together. 80s Superman makes everyone but him go to the Watchtower so he can punch on his own again. He ends up disappointed though because the seeds that have been dropped through the issue that Mr Oz has some "gate" seem to come to fruition and his supersoldiers seem to be capturing Doomsday and moving him towards it.

Is this another Rebirth fakeout following the possible Titans one? Is Mr Oz only there for Doomsday and doesn't care about any of the Supermen? And is it possible he's not Ozymandias either and a new character?

NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

All Star Batman Rebirth (or maybe #1)

w: Scott Snyder a: JR Jr & Danny Miki

Firefly and Killer Moth are hunting Batman and trash a diner to try and find him because as everyone knows Batman can't start the day without sausage and grits. Batman treats them pretty brutally as he sets Firefly alight and stabs Killer Moth fully through the arm. Then Bats gets pulled out of the window by a robot.

There's then an extended set of flashbacks getting more distant to explain the plot. Simply, Two Face wants to be rid of one of the faces. I'm not sure he cares which, as both halves seem to think they'll be the one left, but only Bats can deliver the module. It then turns out this is just a cover story for his other plan, which is to have Batman killed. I COULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED. Back in the present day the Black Spider turns out to be the robot arms so Bats takes a chainsaw to him. Ultimately it looks like everyone is part of Two Face's scheme but Alfred is the one that betrays him. What has Snyder got against him? He cut his hand off in the Johnsiverse.

This is really quite good, as might be expected, but is as overwritten and overly complex as we've come to expect from Snyder's Batman.

Backup a: Declan Shalvey

This is a framing device for telling how Bats is sick of Robins and is training his new sidekick. Being Snyder, this has to have a Bat Mythology element somewhere so there are hints that Batman trained The Joker. We'll see how it pans out, but I expect it to take months to find out.

Deathstroke Rebirth

w: Priest a: Carlo Pagulayan & Jason Paz

HOORAY! A CHARACTER NOBODY CARES ABOUT GETS A REBIRTH!

But maybe Priest can save it.

tl; dr he can't.

Whether it's the black guy who speaks completely normally except one time when he says "We in de office baby", or the flashback to shooting bears for children, this is a chore. I'd love to think it'll go somewhere but this is a book about a villain DC have been trying to make into a hero for decades despite his superpower being stabbing people in the face. The quality of writing is a cut above the majority of the line but Deathstroke is just an unloveable character.

Detective Comics #938

w: James Tynion IV a: Alvaro Martinez

Oh yeah, this is the one that's really about Kate Kane. Dad flashbacks, Kate proving she's the best of the Batmans, punching, more punching, Robin and Not Oracle (whose name appears to be TH3 G3N3R4L, no kidding) talking about how great they are... this feels like issue 8 of a 12 parter and does absolutely nothing for me. It barely advances the plot and ends where it starts. In fact, it might have even moved the plot back to the end of the previous issue. Not exactly inspiring.

Hal Jordan & The GL Corps #2

w: Robert Venditti a: Rafa Sandoval & Jordi Tarragona

John Stewart, Kilowog and Guy Gardner really don't seem very happy about being saved by Hal so decide to hang about in secret and pretend to be missing after all. Sinestro and his daughter have a lengthy daddy issues chat until he finds out Hal is still alive (because maybe Hal died in the continuity that aged Sinestro, maybe?) and gets jealous he's punching someone else so pilots his planet to Hal (obviously having forgotten he has a ring that could just magic him there). And some other shit happens but it's just water treading.

New Super-man #2

w: Gene Luen Yang a: Viktor Bogdanovic & Richard Friend

In which we find out Chinese superheroes all have hyphens in their name. I can't wait for Spider--Man.

So, Super-man starts his test off against Wonder-woman and Bat-man by disabling her with casual sexism and body-shaming (NB NOT A SUPERHERO) him. He gets his arse handed to him, obviously, but not before we find out about what abilities Wonder-woman and Bat-man have. And that Bat-man is the funny one, almost so you wish it was his book instead.

We finally get an explanation as to how this is different to the Great Ten, who it appears are being written out of the DCU. Poor the GMoz. (Also, is it just me or is there an awful lot of explaining going on?)

There's a zing-tastic (AGAIN, NOT ANOTHER HERO) team-up (DITTO) where the New Justice-league take the BatPrius to investigate the house of a data expert who may have been attacked by a villain. There's a bit of a fight and the villain is defeated remarkably easily as Super-man's erratic powers kick back in.

There's far more potential here than there was in the first issue and I really quite enjoyed it, even if the ideas are pretty much all rehashes of other books; the erratic powers of Superman were a mainstay of the Johnsiverse Action, for example. A glimmer of light in the unrelenting torrent of shit that is Rebirth.

Red Hood & The Outlaws #1

w: Scott Lobdell a: Dexter Soy

The cover(s) imply this is going to be some wacky team-up buddy comedy with Bizarro. Instead it's Deathstroke Mk2, or close enough. This appears to be the story of how Jason Todd takes over the crime empire of the Black Mask because DADDY ISSUES. AGAIN. At the end he blows up a train and a Bad Amazon steps out. Colour me NOT FUCKING ARSED. Dull dull dull dull dull.

Superwoman #1

w: Phil Jiminez a: Phil Jiminez & Matt Santorelli

So, this takes place some time after the events currently in Action and (it appears) the Doomsday threat is over. We get a small catchup on what's been happening around Superwoman (who, if you remember we saw in one panel of this week's Action) including an interview with 80s Steel, the post Death of Superman one. WTF ARE WE BRINGING THAT ENTIRE CONTINUITY BACK? There's a flashback to Johnsiverse Lois working on a farm with Johnsiverse Lana Lang and lifting a tractor above her head like it weighed nothing. WHAAAAAAAAT?

Lana, who is now a reporter (? She was a fearless archaeologist a couple of weeks ago) interviews Luthor Superman about how he's the protector of Metropolis now (which as we all know is bound be contradicted in imminent issues of Action) before SuperLois flies in and spoils it all.

"You've got us? Who's got you?" HAHA DO YOU SEE IT IS LIKE WHAT SUPERMAN SAID TO LOIS IN THAT FILM AND NOW SOMEONE SAYS IT TO HER AND SHE IS FLYING HAHAHA

Turns out SuperLois is not that good at the heroing lark so we flash back to Lana teaching her to fly and stuff because somehow she's an expert at that too now OF COURSE.

And finally an explanation. When Solar Superman blew up at the end of the Johnsiverse he gave Johnsiverse Lois and Johnsiverse Lana his exact powers, made explicit when Lana turns into Solar Superwoman. As Mr Oz puts it, "So. There are two of them." WE CAN SEE THAT YOU DUMMY.

For the next ten pages there is a whole lot of "OH NOES HOW WILL WE COPE WITH TWO SUPERWOMANS" dialogue with as you might expect this dilemma being very swiftly resolved.

SPOILERS

Someone that appears to be Bizarro Superwoman turns up and kills SuperLois.

In a reboot universe that seems to have had two massive fakeouts already (missing years not due to Doctor Manhattan, Mr Oz not interested in Superman MUCH LIKE THE COMICS BUYING PUBLIC, AMIRITE?) this might be the biggest one yet. Ever since this was first trailed the narrative is that thus is SuperLois and instead she gets Janet Leighed. Still, at least the multiple superfamilies have been resolved even if it's by eradicating the Johnsiverse one.

This isn't actually a bad read but feels completely superfluous.

The Flash #4

w: Joshua Williamson a: Neil Googe

At Flash Training Camp it gets explained to us that the speed force wants to be together again and that if can be stolen from the people with it by it setting up winner takes all races. From this everybody makes the direct leap that this means godspeed! you black sprinterer has stolen speed from everyone else and that's why he's fast.

Jump to Black Hole and how his plan is to build a machine to harvest the speed force. Unfortunately this machine kind of eats him alive so an entire team of speedsters (who BECAUSE PLOT the speed force doesn't seem to be racing off) who beat Black Hole by having a race off with him. Consistency, much?

Just... no. I love Flash but this is rotten.

Wonder Woman #4

w: Greg Rucka a: Nicola Scott

EVEN ISSUE PLOT ALERT

Steve Trevor has turned up on Themiscrya and the Amazons go through his pockets and work out what guns are. Steve wakes up and Diana has a crush on him. Because he is a man and they are all women they will have Amazon Olympics to see who gets to take him home with the winner banished forever. And who wouldn't want that over a gold medal?

Diana wins and flies off with Steve in the invisible plane.

Utter shite.

Years after the fact, I found that the post-Crisis titles were a great introduction to DC (particularly the Superman stuff, which I read about a decade of from the Byrne reboot on). For the most part, they were streamlined, coherent, and fun. Reading about this Rebirth shit just gives me a damn headache.

How's it going with the lightness and feels that Johns promised was coming back to the DCU? So far they've killed a Louis Lane and a Krypto, right?

New Super-man has it, maybe? There's maybe more humour in the Bat titles (NB I HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT THIS WEEK'S BATMAN YET).

There's definitely an attempt to make them more like Marvel books, with zingy chat and real life politics.

lol I read Batman this week and I have to give Tom King all kinds of credit for having Batman say "USE THE BATPHONE" to Alfred

Aquaman #5

w: Dan Abnett a: Philippe Briones

Dealing with the fallout of Mera busting Arthur out of SuperGuantanamo there's a lot of debating goes on. Should Arthur and/or Mera kill soldiers? Should soldiers kill them? Should POTUS have them executed? Should they get AquaDivorced because they can't agree on murdering?

There are single pages of Atlantis, Black Manta and Crikeywoman to remind us those plots exist, then it's back to the punching (to the point where the Aquacouple take the piss out of punching always being the answer.

Finally Superman turns up on POTUS' orders to persuade Arthur to stop fighting because they're mates.

1) Since when was Superman POTUS' lapdog?
2) This is 80s Superman and he knows he's not the Johnsiverse Superman. He's probably never even MET Johnsiverse Aquaman before (or Rebirth Aquaman, because they might not be the same one given Rebirth Mera seems not to be Johnsiverse Mera). So where does this personal relationship appear from?

I have no desire to read any more of these.

Batgirl & The Birds of Prey #1

w: Julie and Shawna Benson a: Claire Roe

Oh look, Gotham has a functioning underground rail service again. Presumably that's a different one from the never commissioned one that enables the BatTrain in Detective? But what do I know, I just read the books...

Babs Not Batgirl Series Babs and the Huntress follow a guy in a car that's driving while dead of bat bites and then Huntress disappears while telling anybody who's listening (luckily no-one) Babs and Dinah's secret identities. Dinah has been stopping a train with the help of Oracle, who you'll remember from the last issue (and from Babs mentioning it in this one) might be a baddie. After that it's just page after page of incoherent crap. Adding layer upon layer of detail doesn't make you a better writer, it means you can't tell a story properly. And having a DO YOU SEE on every page doesn't make you clever, it's just BORING. It's all a bit Agatha Christie, where the murderer or the weapon or the Maguffin is introduced a couple of pages before the detective works it out.

I now have no idea what the plot is supposed to be or who the protagonists are. In 2 issues. One of which was purely Rebirth setup. A car crash.

Batman #5

w: Tom King a: David Finch w/ inks by Finch and three others

Gotham (the person, not the city) has gone mad so Bat-Alfred takes him down. Well he almost does. I guess that takes care of the comedy part of the issue.

Of course Batman is the one that punches him. And kicks him. And blows him up with a car. And crashes a plane into him.

But none of this works so Bats calls in the Justice League to do it instead. And they can't either. So Gotham Girl explains the whole of their plot then kills him.

Exit, pursued by a Bat.

Tom King really is doing this for the bucks. Totally perfunctory. Despite this it's still probably in the top 10 Rebirth books, maybe even top 5. Christ, that's depressing.

Green Arrow #5

w: Benjamin Percy a: Juan Ferreyra

The evil bankers are torturing Dinah while Ollie and Diggle try and rescue her on a boat. A boat you say? Yes, didn't I mention that the bankers' hideout is a giant wheel thing in the sea? (Which must be quite close to shore, because they get there in an inflatable, yet is SECRET).

They break in and pretend to be bankers so they can attend the SATANIC BOARD MEETING. Ollie's ALL PROPERTY IS THEFT shtick is shown for the farce it is when Diggle suggest blowing their base up will defeat the bankers forever but Ollie refuses because they stole it from him therefore it's his and I AIN'T GONNA BLOW UP MY OWN SHIT NIGGA.

So they try and win by negotiation which goes well until Ollie finds the strongroom at which point he goes all Scrooge McDuck MINE ALL MINE and their plans go to shit.

Emiko solves it all because she's been in charge since the beginning playing both sides, and Dinah smoothes with Ollie to make his dreams of avarice go away. They kill lots of bankers then Ollie blows their base up after all.

But he gets cut off on a bridge and falls in the sea! And wakes up back on 'the' island 'again'! Holy I Have No Idea What The Continuity Of Rebirth Arrow Is ArrowMan!

And just like that, all the momentum is sucked out of the book. 5 issues just thrown away. Pointless.

Green Lanterns #5

w: Sam Humphries a: Robson Rocha & Eduardo Pansica & Jay Leisten & Julio Ferreira

The Hell Tower (which, remember from the last issue, was 75% of the diameter of the Earth) has now reached the centre of the Earth (which, remember from BASIC FUCKING COMMON SENSE is 50% of the diameter of the Earth). The Rage Seed, Atrocitous' whole plan, turns out to be a furball coughed up by Dex-Starr. Yes, really.

The Green and Red Lanterns are fighting before Guantanamo Lantern reveals he has a new Lantern power - Emerald Sight - which might coincidentally be like what's going on at Marvel just now about seeing the future and sees the Justice League taken over by Atrocitous (which presumably means he and Agoraphobic Lantern are going to fail in the next couple of issues). They appear to at the end of the issue. I'm not sure I can be bothered finding out if they do.

Harley Quinn #2

w: Jimmy Palmiotti & Amanda Conner a: Bret Blevins, Chad Hardin & John Timms

It turns out the centre of the zombie chaos is Nathan's hot dog place and there is some kind of force field half a mile from there which stops the zombies from getting to Brighton Beach or wherever the cops are and neatly constrains the plot so Harley has to deal with it. It's the usual goofball nonsense with several mise-en-scenes showing Harley dealing with the zombies before Glenn Danzig turns up with his shotgun to help. Eventually they all get trapped in a bumper car cage and look to be done for before Poison Ivy (the cool fun one from HQ, not the miserable one from her own Johnsiverse title) turns up with a brushcutter to mow down a path through. Roll on next month.

Justice League #3

w: Bryan Hitch a: Tony S Daniel & Sandu Florea

The people who have siphoned power in #1 which got reversed in #2 have now fused together to make giant people called The Kindred. What's an appropriate JL response? Talk to them and find out what they want? Nah, just punch them in their giant face. The Kindred get bored of it pretty quickly so suck Wonder Woman in through their mouth then get up for a walk.

Lanterns go to space and smash some potentially unrelated spaceships they find through a wormhole because they're they. Superman has a whole teary OOOH I MIGHT DIE goodbye to Lois before Cyborg boomtubes him to where the giant in-planet bombs are from last issue, which appears to be like space only with more pressure and hotter. Didn't Superman fly into the sun? Shouldn't that make this a doddle?

Aquaman at least talks to the Kindred but what they tell him is worse than useless. It then turns its back on him to join his mates playing ring-a-roses. Superman finds the bomb but realises he can't do anything about it. Well DUH. "I don't know what to do." I do, stop reading.

Nightwing

w: Tim Seeley a: Javier Fernández

Cold open sees Batgirl Babs lambast Nightwang for letting Raptor kill an innocent man. Does this mean she'd be ok with him being killed if he was guilty? Doesn't that go against the Bat-Code or something? Still, let's join the dots...

In the past, Batgirl Babs turns up while Raptor and Nightwang are about to break into the home of a famous maze builder. Of course, because she's Batgirl Babs she's already a better fighter than Raptor (who we established last time is better than Nightwang) so she beats him easily. Nightwang then fills her in about exactly what's going on but she's only bothered about having been stood up last time. Eventually they break in and make their way through a variety of traps before Raptor solves a tarot one first and sucker-punches Batgirl Babs to get to the beginning of the issue first. The Owls are really happy because they were never interested in the house really, just in making Nightwang look a twat in front of Babs. Once they've hung up the video phone to celebrate in private, it's revealed that this was a giant double bluff by Nightwang and Raptor and the guy isn't really dead and Raptor is now a good guy who wants to bring down the Owls.

Babs is pissed off not to have been let in on the plan, and tells Dick not to arrange another date with her because he swings both ways too much. She knows her head that one.

Suicide Squad #1

w: Rob Williams a: Jim Lee & Scott Williams

Someone hasn't told Rob Williams the premise of this book. We see Waller pick the team for her mission - Harley, Deadshot, Boomerang, Croc and June Moone. Spot the flaw? NONE OF THEM ARE GOING TO GET KILLED OFF NOW ARE THEY, ERGO NO SUSPENSE.

They have to steal something from Russia. The only way into Russia these days is to freefall from space and in doing so Croc nearly drowns in his own vomit. That's about as exciting as it gets tbh.

Backup drawn by Jason Fabok

Deadshot is only a bad guy because someone once threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't shoot Bruce Wayne. The ONLY reason. Is this what we've become in the Rebirthiverse?

Supergirl Rebirth

w: Steve Orlando a: Emanuela Lupacchino & Ray McCarthy

Rebirth Supergirl is back with the Scientist Danvers like the TV show and is off on an experimental flight into the Sun when a Kryptonian Werewolf falls out of the Phantom Zone and she comes back to beat it before it causes too much damage. He stops being a werewolf and they repair the damage. The DEO decide to put her into a secret identity, which is as a student in a special science school.

That's all. Yet somehow it's still the second best book this week, nearly the top spot. It's amazing how enjoyable an actual well done comic is.

Superman #5

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Doug Mahnke & Jaime Mendoza

On the moon Supes is busy hiding Lois and Superkiddy in the secret Batcave there. OH NOES Plastic Man Vacuum Superman has followed them there! OH NOES OH NOES HE VACUUMS IN SUPERMAN LIKE HE DID KRYPTO!

He's after Superkiddy next so Lois goes looking for something to fight him with and finds the Batman Iron Man Suit. The two of them punch him until he vomits out Superman who is going to punch him next issue. Perfectly serviceable Comics, although he could have brought Krypto with him.

And I have to say, I'm close to the point to giving up. Before all the books have launched (but not before some have been apparently cancelled). He'll, they're not even done with the Johnsiverse yet, Doctor Fate launched a new storyline just this week.

But there are SO many pedestrian books doing nothing it's enough to make you fall out of love with hero comics. And SUCH an incoherent mess.

I don't know any more.

Dude, if you need to stop, stop - I don't think anyone is thinking this is good for you.

why do you keep saying "Guantanamo Lantern", what does that mean

It's the Green Lantern whose defining characteristic is that he was in Guantanamo Bay and getting the ring bust him out. He was also responsible for the Geoff Johns Doom cryingeagle.jpg (see Johnsiverse thread for picture).

Is that the convergence clusterfuck thread?

Also thanks Andrew.

It's not reading them, it's paying enough attention to write and/or care. And these are SO dreadful - this is worse than the New 52 I think. At least that had a premise; this claimed to then turned out not to except in a couple of books (Titans, maybe Action, maybe odd numbered WW) and the rest have the same characters written as different ones (Batgirl being the most obvious example).

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

xp No, the New 52 thread.

This one

https://flic.kr/p/d9PwZ5

But there are SO many pedestrian books doing nothing it's enough to make you fall out of love with hero comics. And SUCH an incoherent mess.

It's been bemusing for years how this hasn't happened to you already!

Aldo, if you need to quit, quit, but this is certainly more enjoyable than reading the books for me.

Btw, in the dodgy DC Heroes RPG fro the 1980s had a map that put Metropolis in Pennsylvania and Gotham in NJ.

i put in two, maybe three months before i couldn't take it. Opt out!

The real problem is that people apply continuity, which they only do because Crisis onward DC insist there is a 'correct' continuity.

dc even gave themselves an out with the concept of hypertime before rejecting it for... uh... reasons i guess

So far Batgirl is the only thing I've enjoyed.

King's Batman stuff is so disappointing against his Marvel work, I can only assume editorial interference (also the art is terrible).

(Which recalls Morrison's Action Comics run, in a "sure thing mysteriously drops the ball" way.)

I think Action Comic is okay considering that it was clear that all his great ideas went into All-Star.

*Comics

it's cool, guys, this just has all the ideas I had that weren't very good

so perfectly suited for the New 52

I guess I mean, even DC's good writers (as few as there are) aren't best served by editorial right now

That first Batman arc really did not make much sense at all.

ALL NEW GIVE LESS FUCKS FORMAT! DON'T GIVE UP TRUE BELIEVERS!

Action: much punching. It turns out that Mr Oz's plan is not after all to trap Doomsday but to test the limits of Superman's powers because people he has no connection with being killed is exactly enough to send him into a murderous rage. Yes, despite him just saying at the end of last issue his plan was the opposite.

Superman punches him to his new brand new secret new Fortress where he has a new secret new Phantom Zone Sucker In which Doomsday goes through. Yes, despite Plastic Man Dog Vacuum Superman being a two way gate to the Phantom Zone in the other book. Good luck writing your way out of that bollocks.

Mr Oz then reveals he interrupted Doomsday being sucked into the Phantom Zone and that his last plan which was undone was ACTUALLY the plan which is less a sucker-punch than shit writing.

Next month we might find out about Not Superman Superman. Whoopee doo.

i approve of this new regiment

Batgirl (the other non-Simone one): Babs gets into Mma and kisses a boy. Ultimately she gets confused by someone who has a tattoo that changes from her left arm to right arm. I'm betting that it turns out to be An art mistake rather than a plot point.

Blue Beetle Rebirth: oh just fuck off. Stop trying to make the Johnsiverse BB work, much less OOH TED KORD PEOPLE LIKE HIM. Plus the woman at the end died in Johnsiverse BB so it explicitly us for people who didn't read it. I REPEAT JUST FUCK OFF.

Deathstroke: to say this is an utter abortion does a disservice to the notion of choice. Instead let's guess which of these lines isn't from the comic:

"Don't blame me for your uterus"
"My bosom wants to come along with you two"
"At least thirty times you were wearing women's knickers"
"Where the bloody Hell were you?" "Golfing mainly."
"Yellow and black aren't a flattering colour combo."

DECIDE NOW!

the last, what do i win

The right not to read another issue of it!

Detective: 22 pages to work out Tim Drake thinks he's Robin. 22 wasted pages.

Hal Jordan: something something Sinestro something something Sinestro something something. I bet even Lantern anal historians dgaf about this any more.

Flash: called Barry's Day Off. Him and his new girlfriend have breakfast in Bali then go back to work, so don't have any time off at all. She teaches Wally (the black one, not the Rebirthed one) how to be the best Flash ever. godspeed you black sprinter! then shows up at STAR Labs and kills everyone while Barry drinks coffee with Iris. Oops.

The Hellblazer: ok, but reminds me of Deadline even more than the last issue. VERY Philip Bond. The most important revelation is that the 'classic' Swamp Thing series is now back in Rebirth continuity which should cause MASSIVE issues but I suspect it'll get dropped before it does. ACTUALLY WORTH READING.

Titans: Abra Kadabra makes a puppet version of the Titans who may just be a brainwashed set of the Titans when they were taken out of time by (it's now clear) him (and not Doctor Manhattan). They beat each other up, but don't, and Garth "dies". Until next month no doubt.

Wonder Woman (the odd numbers): Steve and Diana finally bring their plots together but it might be too late for Steve (but I bet not). Elsewhere, Etta has been conned by a baddie. Pretty but still inconsequential.

The stuff that used to be under the Vertigo banner is honestly the only post-Flashpoint stuff I have any interest in investigating someday.

Wait waht classic Swamp Thing up to the end of Millar's run?

Presumably. ST and Constantine share a joke about when ST took over Constantine's body to have sex with Abby (ST76, Roarin' Rick Veitch era and is definitely that event because they mention the tattoo) so SOME of it is in continuity at least.