The Ask A Drunk Christmas Books Roundup

Ted Serios! Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time.
For those of you who haven't yet recieved your telegram from the queen; Ted Serios was a guy who claimed to be able to project pictures from his mind onto the film in a camera, back in, oooooh, 1968 or thereabouts. I thought he was outed as a fake back in the last millenium.

Here's my own Xmas shortlist:

Jeffrey Archer - "The ins and outs of prison life."

"Postcards from abroad." by Tony Blair.

"The importance of the Dado rail in British history." - HRH Wales.

"Europe on $5 million dollars a day" - Gordon Brown.

"History is the new rock'n'roll" - Simon Scharma.

"Rock'n'roll is history" - Pete Waterman.

"Whatnots to wear" - The Vivienne Westwood story.

I think this is a surefire bestseller at point of sale this festive season:
What Knots to Wear, a little-known tract by the Marquis de Sade, brought up to date with a foreword by Ellen McArthur.

Failing that: What's Not to Wear? by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen

Not a Minute More, Not a Minute Less - Jeffrey Archer
Lend Me Your Ear - Evander Holyfield
That's Where You'll Find Me Rummaging Through My Desk Drawer by Hugh Scully

Run, Bitch, Run - Andrew Morton and John Leslie
Morton tackles another national treasure, giving us a valuable insight into the kind of parties women like to go to.
Leech : The Story of a talentless hanger-on - Victor Bokris
450 pages of guffawing nastiness as the 70's punk scene's blandest cartoonist retells stories of readdicting 60 year old literary icons to horse.
Gorging on Orgasm - Joanne Harris
After her recent piss poor rom-coms, Gatwick's finest goes straight for the source.
Woman on the Edge of U2 - Marge Piercey
Dystopian Zoo TV fun.
Shit - Irvine Welsh
Scheemees, fitba, smack and still no fucking plot worth reading from the Groucho's fattest mistake.
Jamie's Crazies - Jamie Oliver
Laugh like Atta as Jamie tells the story of blowing 6 million of his own pounds on teaching a man with the mental age of Jordan's cokebaby how to scramble eggs.
Hoi! Me Genius! - Victor Lewis Smith
Page after page detailing the directionless career of London's most hit or miss scat-comedian. Every paragraph dwarfed by huge pictures of the funniest bits from various Chris Morris series.
The Kitty Kilogram - Hunter S. Thompson
Uproarious tale of Gonzo journalism in Nuneaton wherein Hunter kills a kilogram of cats every day with a metal hook. Contains many references to other books of his which are far funnier.
September the Elfen - Robert Rankine
Hot spunk from everyones favourite 3 for a tenner sub-Pratchett bandwagoneer containing many haughty puns and ribald bullshit. Now with the added feature of an index of plot twists on the first page for those blind enough not to spot them by paragraph four.
Bridget Jones' Maternal Humiliation - Helen Fielding
In the most original and vital of the increasingly tense Bridget series, our hero gets impregnanted in a drunken one night stand by a fascist builder who has a mundane obsession with Champagne Supernova and organised football violence. Once again Bridget must make an important choice . . .
Modulok - Anne Rice
After retelling the myths of vampires, mummies and werewolves, every fat goths favourite masturbation self-help author turns her attention to the minor league self-assembly henchman from the 80's cartoon He-Man.

I hate all this high-brow stuff! This is what people really want!

The Nicorette Prescription - Len Deighton

Gary Rhodes: Climbing Chalk Cliffs with Ice Axes in Three Days

Who Wants to be an Airport Vet? The glossy book of the muddled and desperate reality-TV series

Freaks! - Grainy, black-and-white, clandestinely shot photographs of fans lining up to receive the paraph of Marilyn Manson. Foreword by Les Battersby.

Do You Come Here Often? - the point-of-sale urologist's joke book

Leslie Crowther's 40 winks ... and other urban legends

Hall on Weals: 50 years of jovial prolixity and sado-masochism - Stuart Hall

How to Defacate: Sir Ranulph Fiennes and Delia Smith

Living and Working in Sri Lanka - Arthur C Clarke

By God, so I have! Witty retorts to leg-loss incidents - Jeremy Paxman (Ed.)

Pete! Thank you for your elucidation vis-à-vis Ted Serios, but don't you think Magnus Pike's ENORMOUS ADVENTURE warrants more speculation? What the hell happened to that proto-TV-science-evangelist? Without him, no Simon Schama, no Adam Hart-Davies, no nothing! He made it cool to know things! Without Magnus Pike, global television would be populated with Cat-Deeley clones!

Whilst I admit that would be bad, if there's a spare clone available...

It's too late for Christmas, but...

The Spirit of Plaice, a long (1210 pp.) stylish meditation on a certain bland whitefish. This book was inspired by Marcel Proust's rather lengthy book about the madeleine. It is written in the voice of the elderly Henry Miller, after he'd gnawed off his testicles.