Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

If DC editorial is as dumb as I think they are, they might be echoing the Hugo Strange characterization from their Gotham tv show

Enjoying Batman. Don't like the art but the writing shows a base level of competence I haven't seen in any of DC's other titles. Base level competence! That's what the kids go crazy for these days.

i know it catches my eye

Isn't Dan Abnett British himself? Making it really weird if he's writing "guv'nor" style colloquialisms now.

Yeah, that's the point I was trying to make a few posts up.

Self-parody?

Meeting editorial expectations?

So it seems the the thing that made the Abnett & Lanning team such a success was actually Andy Lanning? I've read a couple of Abnett's comics before they started working together, and they weren't particularly good, and based on this thread his post-partnership work doesn't appear to be good either.

Has Lanning written any comics all by himself, I'm not aware of any? I know he was an artist before, I've read some of the stuff he drew, but IIRC they were always written by someone else.

I liked Abnett's The New Deadwardians, but the ending was bollocks

Action Comics #959

w: Dan Jurgens a: Tyler Kirkham

Quick, let's catch up like we didn't read Death of Superman (despite it having been done in the last two issues)! It can't hurt, right? We can get 80s Lois to tell Superkiddy.

Now let's get Johnsiverse Jimmy to tell Clark Not Superman that he's Superman so he can say he's Clark Not Superman not Superman or 80s Superman.

Bored with this already? So am I.

Mr Oz (oooooh sekrits) watches 80s Superman and Luthor Superman fail to beat Doomsday only for Luthorman to pull out the Mother Box from his armour that he hid in there when he stayed forever on Apokolips as their ruler at the end of Justice League Beat Up Darkseid And Baby Magic. So in a plot that can't be in the same continuity as this.

Clark Not Superman falls in a sewer and we get another giant explanation of how he's Clark Not Superman and not Superman.

This is really wearying tbh.

Superkiddy thinks Luthorman is a better Superman than Superdad is. But neither of them are good enough to beat Doomsday and he closes in on Clark Not Superman. Oh NOES! Who will save the day? (The next issue box spoils that it's Wonder Woman.)

Dreadful repetitive stuff.

Detective Comics #936

w: James Tynion IV a: Alvaro Martinez & Raul Fernandez

Batman gets a good kicking from Colony (because it turns out that is who it was at the end of the last issue). We know that because Tim Robin and Batwoman are watching it on the big screen and Tim Robin tells us it it's them; pretty remarkable really because last issue nobody had even heard of them but now he knows exactly what they look like.

After an awful lot of standing around watching the screen Batwoman introduces her dad who will save them all but in a SHOCKING TWIST it turns out he's actually the one behind Colony because he hates the Bat Family for an unspecified reason (but probably daddy issues). He asks Kate to be the anti-Bat Woman but she'd rather go and live in a Clayface ball.

Unnecessarily complex storytelling makes this a chore.

Hal Jordan & the GL Corps Rebirth

w: Robert Venditti a: Ethan van Sciver

Sinestro, who has inexplicably aged since he left the Johnsiverse, has build a planet that he has moved through space to be the new Oa so he can rule it with his friend Lingerie Lantern. Hal Jordan comes out of a cave on Planet of the Caves but he's actually only a construct of his own ring. OOH META.

He catches us all up on GL101 including telling us that Simon Baz is dead which kind of buggers up Green Lanterns now, doesn't it. Or rather, it gives us two different Rebirth continuities and not all the first issues are out yet.

Hal then uses some more constructs to smash the Gauntlet (which only makes sense if you read the Hal & Kyle Johnsiverse books). This reverses some bits of Johnsiverse history, but not some others, and it's already far too complicated and mired in at least 5 other books. Then Hal becomes a real boy like Pinnochio and recites his oath to charge his ring from a lantern that doesn't exist.

Parallax is helping Sinestro. Like any of us care.

New Superman #1

w: Gene Luen Yang a: Viktor Bogdanovic & Richard Friend

The primer: this is Chinese Superman, grown in a test tube and the only one of the Secret Chinese Superman Growing Programme that hasn't self-combusted. There you go, now you don't have to read a year of comics from the end of the Johnsiverse.

Anyway, this is the secret origin of him (Kong Kenan), the young reporter (Laney Lan) and the boy he bullies before becoming Chinese Superman (Luo Lixin).

After an interminable Yellowface version of Superman's history The Ministry of Self Reliance make Kong New Superman then because he can't control his powers they call in Yellowface Batman and Yellowface Wonder Woman to stop him. Next month we'll get Yellowface Justice League. Who aren't the GMoz Chinese heroes, even though they were used in the Johnsiverse as late as the final months.

Maybe this will be ok. But the signs aren't good.

Nightwing Rebirth

w: Tim Seeley a: Yanick Paquette

To be clear, this is the Rebirth of Grayson and not Nightwang. After finding out which book the other characters from Grayson are in (Batgirl & the Birds of Prey, which is presumably going to be a pretty crowded book) Dick and Damien play video games while saying HUNDREDS of words. There are some flashbacks to Dick playing with his old Spyral friends, and Midnighter playing with Dick and giving him a bag of poppers in a frantic attempt to drum up some excitement.

The bag of poppers turns out to be a bomb removal device to save Damien's life, which literally wasn't mentioned before it was resolved. The Owls have moved to Greece and swapped their white masks for black ones to confuse Batman just before Lincoln March gets killed by someone who is either Talon or Nite Owl.

Dick decides to be Nightwang again and not Grayson to confuse the Owls but to be honest they seem like an easily confused bunch so he might be overthinking it.

I liked Grayson. I'd rather have it back than Nightwang.

Flash #2

w: Joshua Williamson a: Carmine di Giandomenico

Flash tries to teach August Heart how to be a Speedster but he's too scared to try - although he does get one skill from the Speed Force which is to know Barry's secret identity.

A very talky issue skirts round Wally being a speedster, Iris being a reporter and August wanting to Flashpoint his brother. Eventually through Evolution of a Hero he becomes <name TBA> and helps the Flash. And because the Speed Force is sentient now... it decides helping Barry is good so turns all of Central City into Flashes.

An original plot SHOCKER. Looking forward to seeing how this develops, although it feels like it might be slight.

Wonder Woman #2

w: Greg Rucka a: Nicola Scott

Now remember, the odd and even numbered issues of WW are completely different stories. I had forgotten myself until I started reading and wondered what had happened to the jungle.

So, this is the origin of WW and how Steve Trevor gets to Themiscrya in the first place. All the Amazons talk in bold type which makes it seem like they're permanently shouting. Anyway, cutting to the chase you've read this book hundreds of times before and it's as boring as that sounds.

This does potentially mean that the odd and even issues are in different continuities and the final Johnsiverse revelations don't apply in the even issues. I might just read the odd ones in future because they're 100x better than this. You'd never guess Didio and Johns planned this chaos.

these are all pretty bad imo, even new superman is (at best) a busiek-style fanboy retelling

...has Dick Grayson been a superhero called Grayson at some point in recent years?

radical transparency in superheroics

I am now giggling imagining a Batman comic titled "Wayne". He's out in the open, just some dude named Wayne fighting crime.

do you think his friends have ever nicknamed him "b dubs"

sic, yes, the Johnsiverse Dick Grayson book set with him as an agent of Spyral was called Grayson.

How does that work wrt to his, Bruce Wayne's and Barbara Gordon's secret identities? Whether it was a very bad secret code name or a public super-agent identity, seems a bit easy for either The Ventriloquist or TMZ to draw links.

He had a swirly thing over his face which made him look exactly like Dick Grayson, so the girls school he worked at as Mr Grayson wouldn't put photos of him on Instagram. Helena Bertinelli was there also, same schtick.

I don't actually think Barbara Gordon has a secret identity any more since she's not either Batgirl or Oracle these days.

Or rather she is Batgirl but she's not the same Babs Gordon (unless she is and it'll be explained in Babs Rebirth why she wasn't when she was the Batgirl of Burnside).

Because where that was left hanging at the end of the Johnsiverse was that everything we think of as Batgirl (and even Babs) were implanted false memories designed to fuck her up mentally. (Although that, to a large degree, has been undone by one of the Rebirth books already because Bats had cameras spying on her recording the events of The Killing Joke which was specifically one of the false memories.)

Also I'm pretty sure everyone knows Bruce Wayne is Batman because pretty much all his buddies call him Bruce when he's suited up these days.

He had a swirly thing over his face which made him look exactly like Dick Grayson, so the girls school he worked at as Mr Grayson wouldn't put photos of him on Instagram

I've read this sentence 5 times now, and I still don't get it? Dick Grayson had a mask that made him look like... Dick Grayson? And this somehow stopped people putting photos of him online?

DC gives me a damn headache.

Yes. xpost to Tuomas.

At this point, I'd swear that DC's writing staff is just directly transcribing shaggy dog stories related to them by their three-year-old nephews.

Oooh, is it CV Dazzle?

http://io9.gizmodo.com/5510040/designer-reverse-engineers-face-detection-tech-to-develop-camouflage-makeup

It's facial vajazzle.

I can't turn my face into a vagina.

Also I'm pretty sure everyone knows Bruce Wayne is Batman because pretty much all his buddies call him Bruce when he's suited up these days.

― Horizontal Superman is invulnerable (aldo), Tuesday, July 19, 2016 3:58 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This is the thing that bothered me about the Tom King Batman issues (which I've read mostly due to my enjoyment of his Omega Men run). Batman and the plane he's trying to maneuver get saved at the last minute and he's saying "Clark?" because he thinks Superman showed up, but it's two people he's never seen before who now have a clue that there's someone who could stop a crashing plane named Clark. Hmm.

http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/9e/81/22/9e81225c9aa8379360847c8f734b7569.jpg

'Grayson' just makes me think of Grayson Perry

*googles*

definitely more into that look for a superhero than sleeveless man holding a gun wrong

Because where that was left hanging at the end of the Johnsiverse was that everything we think of as Batgirl (and even Babs) were implanted false memories designed to fuck her up mentally. (Although that, to a large degree, has been undone by one of the Rebirth books already because Bats had cameras spying on her recording the events of The Killing Joke which was specifically one of the false memories.)

New Superman is the first Rebirth flop. I think the bloom may be off the rose for this.

I sometimes forget I'm the only person (possibly in the world) following all of this.

http://www.comichron.com/monthlycomicssales/2016/2016-06.html
huh, superman #1 was outsold by... Han Solo #1. Priorities.

There was a bloom?

Yeah, I mean a ton of people are loving Rebirth and it's the best DC has done sales-wise since the New 52 launched. I Love Comics is not terribly representative of comic fandom as a whole tbh.

In that chart, Civil War II only outsold a bunch of Rebirth titles because people like me were skittish about over-ordering and because Marvel ran an extra discount that brought it down to 30% of cover price if you ordered 200% of some previous title. It was cheaper overall to hit that target than order what you would have otherwise, giving a big incentive for stores to over-order.

Yeah, listening to House to Astonish last night and the DC sales numbers were absurdly high. Though apparently a lot of copies are being sold to be stuffed in those bizarre 'box of pop culture trash delivered to your door every month' schemes

http://io9.gizmodo.com/dc-comics-just-killed-a-superman-character-in-a-serious-1783968356

Cool, graphic on-panel death of random cat and apparent death of Krypto. Nu DC has come a long way, baby!

Looking forward to the surely impending drawn-out vivisection of a child.

what the teetotal fuck
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/iip8ohedvxwy9bzvbz82.PNG

black hole superman just ate kryto

astonished youth stands in for all of us

lol i like this

man of steel in 'sucking dogs' shocker

looooool that is amazing

for those of you placing Harvey and Eisner nominations, the official DC onomatopoeia for "help I'm a sentient flying dog being sucked into oblivion by blackhole superman" is:

RRRAAAR
RRARR
RRRRAROOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO

Aquaman #3

w: Dan Abnett a: Philippe Briones

Who doesn't love a dramatic opening shot? I'll tell you who, someone who doesn't expect the underwater/overwater conundrum from previous issues resolved so unambiguously, because it's made absolutely clear the holes caused by the explosion in #1 which water poured in from is in fact about 20m above water level. No wonder it started flooding.

So, the US government won't let Atlanteans back into their embassy for an obvious reason. The government have suddenly remembered the giant attack by Atlantis where millions died and the entire East coast was flooded. You'll probably recall it because I mentioned it a couple of issues ago, mainly because everybody at DC seemed to be ignoring it and I thought I was the only one that wasn't. Well, I bet this shakes things up, eh? This'll have massive repercussions no doubt?

If it does, it doesn't get mentioned again. Mera complains about her clothes and hair and has a swim and Black Manta was kidnapped by N.E.M.O. which is a remarkably prescient acronym for bad guys in a water based hero book. He has a fight just for the sake of it because HE DOESN'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO MAN.

Oh no wait, we're back to the Government TELLING AQUAMAN WHAT TO DO, MAN. Then some bad guys who probably aren't Atlanteans BUT SAY THEY ARE hijack a Navy ship. OH NOES, TERRISTS! Quick, arrest Aquaman because he is the head of Islamic State Atlantis! But it's what he wants? Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Batgirl & The Birds of Prey Rebirth

w: Julie & Shawna Benson a: Claire Roe

Batgirl. Black Canary. The Huntress. What could go wrong?

Well, you could be like me and have a car that's missing a couple of pages. But I'm pretty sure I can work round it.

It could go wrong because you could have a Batgirl that completely erases half the Johnsiverse continuity, and critically undermines the continuity of several Bat-books because it has Babs fighting with Bats before he could have started being Batman. It could try and make Killing Joke canon, but incorporate other bits of continuity so it's a different Babs. Oh, and this Babs is a millionaire now because of the tech company she owns.

It could go wrong because it starts with a Black Canary that isn't the Johnsiverse Black Canary or the Rebirth one, but then make it a secret history of the Johnsiverse one came to be the Johnsiverse one, but do it in such a way that it can't be the one that's in Green Arrow.

There could be a new Oracle, but a bad Oracle, who has Batman and Mr Oz's Invisible Silent Everywhere Camera Copters to film things and Babs' old Oracle computer from the flashbacks (although that probably means the processors are knackered, it has to be a decade old now) and has worked it all out.

At least The Huntress is the same one from Nightwang, which means it's the same one from Grayson. That might be the single positive thing I can say about it.

Batman #3

w: Tom King a: David Finch & Danny Miki

Holy fake-out Batman! I thought we were getting another 'Thomas & Martha get shot' page but no, Batman saves a kid from orphanisation.

Well, that non-orphan grew up and had kids, and it turns out his kids are Gotham & Gotham Girl.

Think about that for a second. Let's say those kids are 20 because they've graduated and have been abroad doing charity work. Let's say the guy was 25 when he had them, and 10 when his parents got saved. That means Batman has been Batmanning for 35 years in this continuity and therefore probably makes Bruce 60. I can't see how that could possibly be an issue. ::rolleyes::

We find this out because Bats asks their parents in disguise as Matches Malone, so they tell him. He then becomes 30 year old Bruce again before Batting up because The Monster Men have suicide bombed a bridge. He saves the people on the bridge and gives the old man lecture to Gotham and Gotham Girl. They then run off to another explosion which Bats dgaf about even though he's right there when they see it. It turns out it's been set by Hugo Strange and the Psycho Pirate, which is presumably part of Amanda Waller's plan from the last episode and nothing to do with the Monster Men.

WHAT? THE PSYCHO PIRATE? Yes. BUT WASN'T HE TURNED MAD IN CRISIS, MADDER IN ANIMAL MAN, DEADED IN INFINITE CRISIS AND RESURRECTED THEN KILLED AGAIN IN BLACKEST NIGHT? Yes, but he can't be that one because he's alive and has the mask again. BUT WASN'T THERE A NEW JOHNSIVERSE ONE THAT WAS A PUPPET OF BRANIAC? Yes, but it's not that one either. It's the pre-Crisis one, at least it is until they say it's not.

Somewhere in amongst that there was a comic. I'm not sure it was a very good one.

Green Arrow #3

w: Benjamin Percy a: Juan Ferreyra

John Diggle is avenging Ollie's death by infiltrating a secret society behind the Catholic Church in Italy. Ollie, in the mean time, is still resurrected after the events of the last issue and has broken into the building that got destroyed in the previous issue beating up security guards in the name of beating people up, but it's OK because he'll give them a raise except they don't work for him any more, neither does he have any money (also last issue).

Anyway, it was bankers all along. BANKERS. BECAUSE THEY'RE EVIL. EVIL BANKERS. Human traffickers? BANKERS. Ollie's murderers? BANKERS. Weird zombies that dress up in skin? BANKERS. Church paedophilia? BANKERS. Afghanistan? BANKERS. BANKERS.

Still no appearance of The Finger. This sucks.

Green Lanterns #3

w: Sam Humphries a: FOUR pencillers and FOUR different inkers. Fucked if I'm writing them all out.

Splash page! Shoplifter Lantern, still carrying the bear he just stole, explains at length why he's not a criminal. Agoraphobic Lantern is smiling like an acid casualty despite the fact she's 1) in space, in which 'open' is such a natural descriptor it's taken as a given and 2) she thinks the world is being destroyed. Still, SMILE!

Atrocitous explains what happened in the last issue then grooms a small child to be his sex slave at some indeterminate time in the future (once he's planted his seed in the middle of the planet, do keep up, it's been explained three times in the book now). Shoplifter Lantern pulls out his gun but Bleez kicks his arse. To celebrate, he un-Red Lanterns her and she explains Atrocitous' plot. YES. AGAIN.

Agoraphobic Lantern didn't get the memo though and punches her back into Redness. Then they all fly off to find the tower and then in a wave of plot Agoraphobic Lantern gets Redded. Unlike Bleez, or in fact exactly like everyone else that gets Redded, her clothes don't get changed in the process.

I could have got this far in 10 pages and we've had nearly 100.

Justice League #1

w: Bryan Hitch a: Tony S Daniel & Sandu Florea

The world is all going like the Doctor Strange trailer and the Green Lanterns use green ice to stop it (because as we established in the last issue this might not be the same continuity as their own book).

Short version, some people come out of the Doctor Strange ground and steal the powers of the Justice League. Because it all happens one at a time, it takes the whole issue. Even though it happens in a nearly identical way each time. This might just be the worst book in Rebirth.

Superman #3

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Jorge Jiminez

The one with the dog sucking.

80s Superman is taking Superkiddy to the Fortress of Solitude to see if he can cure his bump to the head but Plastic Man Superman decides to save the Kryptonians by killing them. Until he decides not to after all, because women and children.

While Superkiddy is getting a magic space x-ray Plastic Man Superman explains his Secret Origin (basically he's the living gate to the Phantom Zone) and wants to purify Superkiddy by sucking all the human out of him that 80s Lois put there. Krypto gets in the way and the rest is headlines.

Funnily enough, the press didn't seem so interested that 80s Superman seemingly punches Plastic Man Superman to death on the next and final page. Funny that.

This wants to be a good book, but Super-continuity might be fucked beyond all repair so it will never get to be. Possibly a shame.

The Hellblazer Rebirth

w: Simon Oliver a: Moritat

I've fallen asleep and woken up in the 80s. This is straight out of Deadline. Apart from that it's like every other nondescript Constantine book you've ever read.

There's a great set of cameos when Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel turn up and get stopped from interfering by Swamp Thing. Literally, Wonder Woman turns up and meets Captain Marvel and says "I am Wonder Woman and I should stop this" and then he says "yes, I Captain Marvel will help you" then Swamp Thing turns up and says "you will have to get through me, Swamp Thing first" so they all decide not to bother.

Entertaining in a nostalgic way.