Depression and what it's really like

Sweet! Now back to obsessively reading about the cocking up of the labour party.

Would battle addictions in hull with, obv

Ive to lose a stone by oct its a paltry effort but im ok for _A besides thankfully

it's sunny, I'm blue, sleep is the cousin of death, I haven't had a drink since Saturday, aaaargh rattling

good going, noodle. with u in spirit.

no drinks here in maine. back on lexapro, though. persistent hatred became intolerable without. aware that i'm still profoundly depressed, cuz these things make me IA:

people at work talking about food, kids and/or television
people at work
people
work

i was writing that in the throes of desperately wanting to go to the pub. somehow talked myself round. couldn't find a proper "staying clean" thread, might have to start one and leave this for what it's supposed to be about.

didn't sleep all night. mad with grief, cursing god, wanting to die not out of self-loathing but just wanting off this fucking planet. that's normal, right? i think that's normal.

That sounds terrible; I was going to complain about stuff since I missed my meds for a couple of weeks. But it it better than what happens at the worst.

ahhh, depression is not a contest! please feel free to complain.

I feel worse than ever right now. I've been excited about a trip to Europe for a year but now I'm dreading it. It's only 7 weeks away and I feel like a puddle of shit and not convinced I'll be better by then. Which means not only will it be a huge waste of money but I'll also be ruining my husbands vacation by being a miserable sad sack, while he heroically attempts to help me have a good time.

I'm trying to be patient with the Zoloft but fuck I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ugh. My constant suicide ideation seems even more crass than usual now I have a close relative dying relatively young. Of course I'm aware that feeling guilty about everything in the fucking world is part of depression in the first place. If I could just stop with this shit for a minute that would be great, thanks.

:(
i know what you mean re: guilt, it's often paralyzing to me motivation-wise.

Should say I have enjoyed your past ILM postings on UK street punk etc. Stick around.

Hang in there, mate. And sorry to hear about your relative. But don't think for a minute that things happen to other people in any way invalidate what is happening to you.

(I should tell myself this more often, but I don't, so meh. I know it's what I probably should hear though)

Thanks. It's difficult because I berate myself a lot for feeling sorry for myself and I find it hard not to do that because I think a lot of the time I'm right to. I.e. that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because I am doing OK compared to a lot of people. But it can be a bit of a vicious circle mentally.

I also get annoyed at myself for mentioning suicide on threads like this because it could be triggering to other people, cause people to worry about me, or just look like attention seeking when the chances of me actually going through with are very low. It's more a constant nagging in my head, that I've had most of my life really, which is obviously a bit distressing but I can ignore it most of the time.

this thread ought to be a safe place to discuss it, you're far from the only one here who doesn't constantly return to casual suicidal ideation/talk - I can remind myself why it's not ok to kill myself all the time, but it doesn't stop the thoughts drifting by

we never have to rank our own suffering against anybody else's. it's not a competition. everybody suffers.

hey cp, always happy to go for a pint sometime if it would help.

well it probably wouldn't help at all tbh, but the offer is there.

I do appreciate that offer a lot, Nick. It's probably not a good time right now though. I hit the bottle pretty badly on Saturday and I think my wife only really let me off because she knows I'm hurting at the moment. I didn't even make it back to Brighton, I slept in the street in Lewes and lost my glasses. So I think I need to take it easy with alcohol for a bit. Understatement of the year perhaps.

oh nuts :(

sending you good thoughts for the meanwhile, take care ceeps!

Hey Poo, echoing everything else said, its ok to think like that but I hope you don't hurt yourself. Lets all support each other.

Having said that I'm drinking tonight, had icket to Oblivians gig and couldn't face going sober. I'll be good though.

Shit hitting the fan. Gonna spam the shit out of this thread this week. Thanks for yr patience in advance. Girlfriends brother found to be stealing thousands from their vulnerable mother, already a nasty situation all round. Getting drunk with her now and she goes back up north Tuesday to deal with shit but holy fuck wasn't expecting

She is coping well so far but I think its a brave face and 3 bottles of wine. 27 years of a horrible family situation all coming around at once. Suspect her brother has a harder drug problem than previously known and just lost his job, mum is way vulnerable and she cares for their autistic brother (poss his money stolen too). Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck.

This is gonna get nasty and I cant think of where else to vent cos I've got to be her rock as she deals with it. Aaaaaargh.

that sounds horrible. if you ever want to vent offsite too then you know where i am dude

Cheers man.

You guys :-(

I rarely read this thread because, y'know triggers and all that, but I hate to see people who I like very much going through the shit I go through with extra shit on top and I wish I had words and blah.

cheers ailsa.

i just put her to bed. we actually got out a makeshift bag i could hold and used it as a punching bag at one point to try and get her anger out. its been fucking mental.

it fucking sucks because its been about a month since i posted here and we've actually made some huge strides: works got better, we got a personal trainer, weve been drinking less, we signed up to something very exciting on a whim to push us out of our comfort zone (ummm we are doing The Clothes Show in december to launch a brand and... i guess we have to make that brand and also a thousand or so items of stock from now until then to pretend we arent charlatans...). After some fucking hard conversations and some rational decisions, it was all going swimmingly. So naturally she now needs to decide whether to rat her brother out to the police or try and send him to rehab or ignore him AND sort her mums naive view of life where any scammer, especially her own son, could have her in an instant in a week. The mum is like the dictionary definition of a con artists dream, lonely, willing, dumb, a bit disabled, neglectful etc.

WE WERE JUST FUCKING GETTING SOMEWHERE. THIS IS ENTIRELY SELFISH SHOUTING BECAUSE ITS GOTTA HURT MORE FOR MY FUTURE MUM IN LAW WHOSE SON ROBBED HER BUT FFS WE WERE JUST FUCKING GETTING SOMEWHERE.

Families suck.

Yep. I've deliberately never mentioned my family on ILX, but I have all of the sympathy for this. The makeshift punchbag is a brilliant idea.

I'm also feeling this rn, some of my family have been atrocious in this respect and that's why there's 4000 miles between me and them.

Thoughts with you sam. Lots of positive stuff going on though. Keep hold of that too, other people dont and wont always impact you like this and given a fair run youre doing great.

Cheers guys. Its gonna be a long fucking week but after day one, I feel okish

am in a bit of a sad bleak place atm
my over-attachment to my mediocre friend has reached a breaking point & i have to accept that my expectations were too high

blaming myself mostly

but it's also boiled up all the horrible self loathing from my childhood & i feel like scratching holes in my arms

i know i wont, i'm so far from those days now, but ... i dunno ....i just wish i could make and keep one new friend in this stupid country who doesnt leave me feeling more lonely with them than on my own. i hate opening up but i wish i could just give them the can opener & let them see what i need because i can't articulate it

mr veg is good & supportive and all but i want a life outside that. but i just keep slipping back to the start

hugs to everyone
i got a refill of my cymbalta the other day and i feel goofy since starting that bottle 3 days ago - super tired, sluggish, numb/tingly face and fingers, body feels like i was in a mosh pit - same kind of feelings i feel when i forget to take them in the morning

called a pharmacist and she said talk to your doctor in a week if you still feel this way

also she said i might have to try a new kind which to me might as well be saying 'let's throw your life down the toilet'

I mean it sounds like it's a defective batch? That must happen once in a blue moon.

Asking my pharmacist to spot me a day of Paxil rn because I don't have $9 in my bank account for my copay

VG, feeling you on that post. Almost all my friends are my wife's friends right now. All my besties are so far away and it is super hard to make new ones take root in the kind of mid life doldrums I'm inhabiting

VG, I hear you lady. I don't have a single friend here who I'm as close to as my old nz friends. Wish we lived a bit closer, I'd totally be yr buddy ^_^

I def don't feel like I can talk to my American friends with the same openness I talk to even my nz acquaintances.

Some weird pharmacy fuckup means I'm out of Zoloft for at least a few days. Soooo excited to see what withdrawals are like :-/

do you guys mean to say i can blame america for not making friends? i've been blaming my job and my shitty demeanor

I'm in a new place too, and feeling the old loneliness issues too. I was talking to someone the other day, and I mentioned depression, and they said 'but you seem very happy!'. I tried to explain that that's because you get very good at faking it - no-one likes hanging around unhappy people.

I live I London with no friends but I like blaming America. Fuck you trump!

Sympathies all round, medication issues no joke.

I CANT FUCKING COPE WITH THIS

WE WERE JUST FUCKING GETTING SOMEWHERE. THIS IS ENTIRELY SELFISH SHOUTING BECAUSE ITS GOTTA HURT MORE FOR MY FUTURE MUM IN LAW WHOSE SON ROBBED HER BUT FFS WE WERE JUST FUCKING GETTING SOMEWHERE.

aw man that's the worst feeling. much love - really hoping you can both catch a break soon :(

Just wrote 6 paragraphs of anger and frustration but fuck it. Complaining on the internet gets you nowhere. I guess sometimes you go out with someone and sometimes you have to turn into frustrated and authoritative parental figure who sends their girlfriend/business partner home from work.

do complain if it helps, we are here for you.

good thoughts to all itt.

Cheers man. Had a bit of a chat, a bit better since. Plus an Australian just bought six cosby jumpers cos they don't understand appropriate dressing for weather and that's made me happy.

I'm kinda struggling right now because my grandma just died last week and I'm apartment hopping because of renovations in my place so don't feel like I have a secure place to grieve, which is rough but also triggering because these are eerily similar circumstances to five years ago when I totally fell apart for a year+. Holding it together but I need things to return to a state of semi-normalcy soon and I'm a little afraid of my ability to cope if another shoe drops before they do.

Minor league to what other people itt are going through. Much love to all.

That isn't minor league at all ... equally, from yr post, it's obvious you've got the tools to see off the shit situation

Yeah, death is horrible, please don't think you have to treat your grandmother as a minor issue. I hope you can find time to properly grieve and feel. We are all here to support.

Thanks, guys, seriously. It's also a thing where I know that the loss of grandparents has a variable impact depending on the person/situation/relationship (most of my own grandparents' deaths have basically been sad but nothing devastating) but this was someone I thought of as Mom #2 so...it's really fucking hard. But, yes, I have tools and I'm employing them like a motherfucker right now.

God, I feel terrible. My usual support network is (understandably and justifiably) preoccupied with their own stuff. I'm struggling against suicide ideation, and it's hard. But I've dealt with it often enough that these days I think I'll get through it.

do you guys mean to say i can blame america for not making friends? i've been blaming my job and my shitty demeanor

― assawoman bay (harbl), Thursday, July 28, 2016 5:57 PM (6 days ago)

I feel like I'm in another spate of having a bunch of friends move away, and sometimes I feel like the reason they are moving away is because I wasn't a good enough friend, but really it's the standard cost of living/career/need for change things make most people decide to move from here. I'm also a shitty long-distance friend.

xp to dowd I know how it can hurt dealing with suicide ideation even if you know you won't go through with it. At this point I'm sort of resigned to it being part of my life. Best to you and hope it passes.

I got my diazepam prescription yesterday, after six months (people are very careful about it these days) so if I get too worked up I have those.

hey can you hook me up bitter lol