Depression and what it's really like

well, the 17-minute oranssi pazuzu track is probably my #1 song of the year so far, so fair play tbh

that strip is lovely btw, final panel esp wonderful

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13510985_10153693973142671_3440631026236775187_n.jpg?oh=4a2076c60d1728c060a808ddd73c8efd&oe=580AC2F5

can't even remember tbh

Ouch, what happened? Are you okay?

i'm alright, i think i fell on or against something, stuff is swollen, drinking yrself to death is hard

gonna need a good story for work tomorrow

distinctly remember telling somebody yesterday that i used to have a drink problem

probly intervention time again

I have a sporadic drinking problem, and my problems with meds have pushed me down that pay again. Meaning up with injuries is unfortunately just part of the deal. I have a bruised and swollen finger and bruised knees and shins I don't remember getting.
I generally don't hurt my face, I guess. Also, drinking yourself to death is a horrible way to die.

i know. thought i was thru that nonsense. am much better at climbing back on my horse nowadays tho.

I have a sporadic drinking problem, and my problems with meds have pushed me down that pay again. Meaning up with injuries is unfortunately just part of the deal. I have a bruised and swollen finger and bruised knees and shins I don't remember getting.
I generally don't hurt my face, I guess. Also, drinking yourself to death is a horrible way to die.

― inside, skeletons are always inside, that's obvious. (dowd)

true, but depression is a horrible way to live...

We need an ilaa forum

Also damn nv hope you are ok man. Doing damage to yourself is scary, i know its when i saw my mum covered in dry blood (she had hurt herself some how, didnt know how) and cos she didnt have to go out or see anyone for a day just carried on drinking. Remembering that i just want to give ya a big hug.

(She has been clean for nearly a decade, and much happier and healthier for it. If only beer and wine wasnt so damn delicious...)

thanks man, don't know if i'm more peeved about losing glasses or kebab

Man, I feel for you guys struggling with drink issues. For a period of about three years, I was drunk at least five nights out of every week. And, I don't mean I had a few beers and was feeling jolly. I was either borderline or black out drunk. I was working in an elementary school the whole time as well, so I was constantly ill. I mostly stopped after my first run in the psych ward about three years ago. Not sure really why or how I stopped. I think maybe the combination of all the benzodiazepines I was on and the alcohol made the feeling of being drunk hyper aware during the wooziness and I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I quit. I think probably the benzos made the withdrawals a little more tolerable — though I was smoking a lot of marijuana around the time in place of drinking and am sure that made withdrawals a lot less severe. Last time I got drunk —like heavily slurring and stumbling drunk— was last September and I haven't had a drink since. Before that, I had been sober for about a year. I just don't think I "like" the feeling of being drunk anymore. It used to be fun to get drunk, but I don't know anymore. Just a different perspective, I guess. A lot's changed in the last eight months (a pretty devastating breakup, an out of state move, a suicide attempt, a fourth round in the psych ward and a lot of soul searching).

But I know that feeling. It's two or three in the afternoon and you're still probably hungover from the previous night and you don't want to drink, but you just can't control yourself. Or at least I knew I couldn't. I would walk into the liquor store, hating myself for even coming within a hundred yards of the place. I had every great reason to not be there again. And yet, I would end up there over and over. It reached a point where I would get home, take the first beer of the evening out and literally stand there contemplating the whole miserable situation in my mind for three or five minutes in silence before I would even open it. Just feeling completely hopeless and trapped.

We need an ilaa forum

― plums (a hoy hoy), Sunday, June 26, 2016 4:58 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

an Inclusive deindexed I love Recovery forum could be a goer, have to say my (totally unfair I'm sure) attitude to "the program" and its attendant jargon is that's lovely for you but I don't feel like joining a cult just now

much love and bon courage nv obviously

^^^^^ <3

i've been at the stage for the past year where i avoid a lot of social situations i used to "enjoy" in order to avoid getting drunk (because it was the thing to do) and so i've been a lot more solitary, and in some ways it's made the depression worse (though I'm better off in a lot of ways). ... and I've been doing this avoidance for so long, I'm actually anxious and wary of going back to those social situations. And I have a new job, and the nature of the job involves/will involve drinking/being around alcohol a lot, and so far it's been okay but ... idk.

Re: wins

I felt bad after saying that cos after reading it back it could have come across as something blithe, and yeah with experience of people in recovery using aa isnt a great standard. We also all dont struggle with the first A but something else.

I do worry about my own excessive drinking, especially having had parents with addiction issues, and having ilx be an open forum to discuss fears or issues has been a wonder for me though. I dont love the problems raised on it but i bloody love this thread and more range in here may help us all collectively and individually.

Also i iz four beers deep as i type this soooo... how the hell does it happen so easily?

no I wasn't having a go! I was adding to what I thought was a genuine constructive suggestion

thanks for sharing guys

"I Love Recovery" sounds good. just can't believe the same dumb shit over and over, like Austin says, like at some point around 10.30ish yesterday morning i could walk into a pub and buy a bottle of wine and think "this will end well". don't know where the bit of me that's sick of poverty, injury and failure goes at that point.

and I do not suffer from depression so if anyone should tread carefully itt it's me xp

Damn man, i never knew it was morning drinking too. Thats scary. I also understand.

Where I work, which ive detailed a lot here, is not exactly a job set by defined rules and I often found myself drinking at work. Working around other traders who also found acceptable, its quite a regular thing. There is one guy who literally walks in everyday at 11am with a red stripe. None of us want to think we have a drink problem though.

Anyway, since we regularly started having to hire someone and i'd be there as their boss/also working myself, i've had to set myself the responsibility of never drinking in front of an employee, which means i'll never drink at work again. Which helps with my alcoholism... a bit. I've tried noticing other things in life where i've tried to do stuff like this i.e. i really shouldnt drink while doinh x or y. Are there any similar things you could maybe try? Its not going to be like going cold turkey but if it just gets you a bit further away?

Soz if this came away judgementable, its really not meant to be but doling out shitty advice can often come across etc.

no worries, i respect where you're coming from. the simple answer for me is not to go to the pub. which is hard when living alone. will have to try harder, is all, and hope i don't turn into Howard Hughes.

I go to hull quite a bit for work, just day trips p much (there is a big wholesaler there). Wanna hang and get a coffee some time? Think im about in roughly 2 or 3 weeks time.*

*should be saying this on a different thread cos ilf/zing crew or whatever but hey i guess nows the time to say it.

yeah sweet! totally on for this

Sweet! I usually come up on a weekday, get done by like 3 or 4 and then, cos i dont want to pay crazy train fares, wait around until about 8 or 9, with nooothing to do. Hanging out would be so refreshing!

k it's a date, let me know nearer the time

Sweet! Now back to obsessively reading about the cocking up of the labour party.

Would battle addictions in hull with, obv

Ive to lose a stone by oct its a paltry effort but im ok for _A besides thankfully

it's sunny, I'm blue, sleep is the cousin of death, I haven't had a drink since Saturday, aaaargh rattling

good going, noodle. with u in spirit.

no drinks here in maine. back on lexapro, though. persistent hatred became intolerable without. aware that i'm still profoundly depressed, cuz these things make me IA:

people at work talking about food, kids and/or television
people at work
people
work

i was writing that in the throes of desperately wanting to go to the pub. somehow talked myself round. couldn't find a proper "staying clean" thread, might have to start one and leave this for what it's supposed to be about.

didn't sleep all night. mad with grief, cursing god, wanting to die not out of self-loathing but just wanting off this fucking planet. that's normal, right? i think that's normal.

That sounds terrible; I was going to complain about stuff since I missed my meds for a couple of weeks. But it it better than what happens at the worst.

ahhh, depression is not a contest! please feel free to complain.

I feel worse than ever right now. I've been excited about a trip to Europe for a year but now I'm dreading it. It's only 7 weeks away and I feel like a puddle of shit and not convinced I'll be better by then. Which means not only will it be a huge waste of money but I'll also be ruining my husbands vacation by being a miserable sad sack, while he heroically attempts to help me have a good time.

I'm trying to be patient with the Zoloft but fuck I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ugh. My constant suicide ideation seems even more crass than usual now I have a close relative dying relatively young. Of course I'm aware that feeling guilty about everything in the fucking world is part of depression in the first place. If I could just stop with this shit for a minute that would be great, thanks.

:(
i know what you mean re: guilt, it's often paralyzing to me motivation-wise.

Should say I have enjoyed your past ILM postings on UK street punk etc. Stick around.

Hang in there, mate. And sorry to hear about your relative. But don't think for a minute that things happen to other people in any way invalidate what is happening to you.

(I should tell myself this more often, but I don't, so meh. I know it's what I probably should hear though)

Thanks. It's difficult because I berate myself a lot for feeling sorry for myself and I find it hard not to do that because I think a lot of the time I'm right to. I.e. that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because I am doing OK compared to a lot of people. But it can be a bit of a vicious circle mentally.

I also get annoyed at myself for mentioning suicide on threads like this because it could be triggering to other people, cause people to worry about me, or just look like attention seeking when the chances of me actually going through with are very low. It's more a constant nagging in my head, that I've had most of my life really, which is obviously a bit distressing but I can ignore it most of the time.

this thread ought to be a safe place to discuss it, you're far from the only one here who doesn't constantly return to casual suicidal ideation/talk - I can remind myself why it's not ok to kill myself all the time, but it doesn't stop the thoughts drifting by

we never have to rank our own suffering against anybody else's. it's not a competition. everybody suffers.

hey cp, always happy to go for a pint sometime if it would help.

well it probably wouldn't help at all tbh, but the offer is there.

I do appreciate that offer a lot, Nick. It's probably not a good time right now though. I hit the bottle pretty badly on Saturday and I think my wife only really let me off because she knows I'm hurting at the moment. I didn't even make it back to Brighton, I slept in the street in Lewes and lost my glasses. So I think I need to take it easy with alcohol for a bit. Understatement of the year perhaps.

oh nuts :(

sending you good thoughts for the meanwhile, take care ceeps!

Hey Poo, echoing everything else said, its ok to think like that but I hope you don't hurt yourself. Lets all support each other.

Having said that I'm drinking tonight, had icket to Oblivians gig and couldn't face going sober. I'll be good though.

Shit hitting the fan. Gonna spam the shit out of this thread this week. Thanks for yr patience in advance. Girlfriends brother found to be stealing thousands from their vulnerable mother, already a nasty situation all round. Getting drunk with her now and she goes back up north Tuesday to deal with shit but holy fuck wasn't expecting

She is coping well so far but I think its a brave face and 3 bottles of wine. 27 years of a horrible family situation all coming around at once. Suspect her brother has a harder drug problem than previously known and just lost his job, mum is way vulnerable and she cares for their autistic brother (poss his money stolen too). Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck.

This is gonna get nasty and I cant think of where else to vent cos I've got to be her rock as she deals with it. Aaaaaargh.