Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

the "happiness is... " series of lines is, i think, presented entirely without intention to nod to schulz but it's fun to imagine those captions with snoopy and lucy

'well-oiled mitt'

the disconnect between the art and the dialogue suggests the two creative leads are working via a patchy skype connection

Seriously! I expected that one panel to end with "Maxwell House. It really eases the pain of constant loss!"

I'd like to know how "getting close" to bands has hurt Black Canary. Maybe she didn't like Frankie Sinatra either?

Action Comics #958
w: Dan Jurgens a: Patrick Zircher

Talk about shooting your bolt early. After a minor recap, yet again, of the previous year's Superman continuity 80s Superman fights 80s Doomsday (the one that killed him) who he recognises because he's in disguise as a HYDRA agent. Mr Oz (who is white with green eyes, clue hunters) watches on in surprise the plot has moved on that quickly. 80s Lois tells Jonathan 80s Superman's real continuity in 80s Superman Universe and All New Clark Kent acts all mysterious like he's Depowered Superman.

80s Superman and Luthor Superman get all punchy with Doomsday, pausing only to rescue the pesky civilians that get in the way of the destruction. Doomsday is about to crush Luthor Superman's head as Mr Oz watches through his magic See Everywhere Without Cameras televisions and wonders what will happen next because until it does he has no idea what the plot after it is. You and me both buddy, you and me both.

Aquaman #1
w: Dan Abnett a: Brad Walker & Andrew Hennessey

Arthur and Mera talk about how nice it is to be married, throws away last issue's plot and explains at length how diplomatic relations will work in his future Atlantean paradise (now he's definitely Atlantean again, no fingers crossed, no takebacks). Black Manta watches them through binoculars from another cliff top, presumably in case they make out. The scene cuts to the Atlantean Embassy where we get a ridiculously long "first day on the job" section for not one but TWO characters before Arthur turns up. At which point, of course, the British one says "Crikey".

There's an 'amusing' section about the buffet where Mera is concerned about it (because she's a woman DUH so who else would get worried). She is DAD DANCING ALERT worried they'll get "a bad Trip Advisor for our food." The British one says "Crikey" again. I see a catchphrase coming.

And then, quick as a flash, plot happens. Black Manta has been disguised as a reporter and has placed bombs on the inner wall. This blows up the outer wall because PHYSICS which despite being above sea level (according to the dialogue) is actually below sea level (according to a couple of images which appear to have people swimming outside the windows) and causes the water to flood in badly and then not badly depending on whether the plot needs a giant wave or a knee deep puddle. The British One graduates to "oh my God."

I graduate to "Jesus Tittyfucking Christ". This isn't really that bad in high level concept, but the execution is just turgid.

Detective Comics #935
w: James Tynion IV a: Eddy Barrows & Eber Ferreira

The Bat Titans are in the Bat Danger Room practicing BatBall Specials against an army of Jokers before giving up because they're a bit tired and just want to watch a bit of Robot Chicken. Then the SECRETS OF THE BAT DANGER ROOM ARE REVEALED! It turns out to be called the Mud Room and it actually leftover bits of Clayface the BatPuter has made into a giant animatronic. But where do they get leftover bits of Clayface you ask? Simple, they fix him up to a machine and pull bits off when they need them. HOLY HUMAN TRAFFICKING BATMAN!

Blah blah very talky blah blah catch up about Azrael blah blah mention every Bat Titan by name blah blah OH LOOK PLOT SOMETHING IS CALLED COLONY blah blah more talky

Fifty people (we know, because they tell us) turn up to punch Bats. I HAVE A SUSPICION THEY ARE COLONY.

Flash #1
w: Joshua Williamson a: Carmine di Giandomenico

This is a #1. Like a PROPER #1. It has an origin, and background and describes the relationship between characters and shows a bit of superheroing. And then at the end Barry's partner gets shot by "the Black Hole" (no, me neither) only possibly gets speedforced instead.

So is this a full on reboot? It reads like a completely new jumping on point for new buyers but for even converts from the TV show it only says things they already knew. I suppose as a Flash fanboy you'd expect me to say I liked it and I did, but it's utterly unnecessary.

Wonder Woman #1

w: Greg Rucka a: Liam Sharp

Watch! As WW explains how she's a Psycho Pirate! Gasp! As this takes place against a series of unrelated pictures from Jungle Fantasy! Choke! As the plot abruptly shifts to Etta Candy just as Stereotypical Cannibal Mans are about to come out of the jungle! Amaze! As Steve Trevor fights terrists in some undefined African Country (possibly BWUNDA)! Fantasy! Back in the jungle for some butt shots! Listen! As Steve Trevor/Diana backstory gets filled in! Shriek! As WW is attacked by what seems to be an army of Man Bats! Politics! As it turns out Steve Trevor is after Boko Haram! Plot! As the villain WW is after turns out to be the Cheetah who Diana needs to find Themiscrya! Struggle! As you try and think what this is all for!

great chronicle of aldo losing his mind

lol @ action comics smh

of the previous year's Superman continuity 80s Superman fights 80s Doomsday

Sans the comma, it does kind of sound like you're having a breakdown here.

i can't really keep up to be honest; these are very hard reads.

No no no, you are mistaken, this is a reboot and therefore great pains have been taken to make everything new reader friendly.

so idly wondering if Donna Troy still exists, and if so who she is now. as her history was rewritten so many times, getting more convoluted each time, was curious.

Now she's Hawkman

My first reaction: lol. My second reaction: wait, that's totally feasible coming from the DC of today.

My general reaction to this thread is to nod with a look of wonderment on my face as if I were listening intently to a toddler telling me a shaggy dog story that makes absolutely zero sense.

Darkseid had a baby with Wonder Woman's friend and then he died and then she had a baby and her baby was Darkseid

See, I have no idea whether you're fucking with me or not.

Haha no that's really a thing

Can't believe Etta Candy is Darkseid's baby mama/mama.

Then that baby got killed and later (but still in the same issue of the book) another, different, baby got turned into Darkseid.

Wait, I missed a step. The baby gets killed which lets adult Darkseid come back, who gets killed again and comes back as another, different baby.

Still all in the same issue though.

fucking hell

As long as there's some infanticide in my DC comic, I'm happy.

Serious q: has DC figured out how to grim & grittify Sugar and Spike yet?

oh ye of little faith

http://comicsalliance.com/files/2016/03/Sugar02-e1458221105713.jpg

they're now 'a pair of laconic, gun-toting private eyes who specialize in cleaning up embarrassments for superheroes before they get out to the press'

http://comicsalliance.com/files/2016/03/Sugar04.jpg?w=630&h=469&zc=1&s=0&a=t&q=89

haha, thanks for the reply/ies - all seems to make perfect sense

not rebirth, but the ending of the recent DK3 had me cracking up

"superman doesn't have a helmet, so if he had a full-body superman armor created by batman, the headpiece would be a really dumb version of his face, right?"

"i'll get right on drawing that"

sent a picture of it to a friend and he thought it was notable that batman was smiling

"well, yeah, because he can see that ridiculous thing superman is in"

Unrelatedly, I'm rereading 52 for the first time since it was published, and it holds up really, really well.

Yeah, I've got the first volume of the new collected editions on the way and I'm looking forward to it. Ah, those magical times before editorial mandate became the ruinous rule of the day at DC.

bizarre, I don't know how I missed your Sugar & Spike response. It's like someone just plunged their toilet with my heart.

Darkseid had a baby with Wonder Woman's friend and then he died and then she had a baby and her baby was Darkseid

also re sugar and spice: fuck everything

Aquaman #2

w: Dan Abnett a: Scott Eaton & Wayne Faucher

So we're back in the above/underwater Atlantean Embassy again and after a two pager explaining what Manta's beef with aquaman is (and directly contradicting all the Johnsiverse Aquaman continuity in the process, but let's not unpick that pomegranate too much) and a further two pages catching up readers with what happened last issue we get to the action. On page 6 the British one says her first, then second word. Which is "Crikey!" Told you I could smell a catchphrase coming. #dibnynose She gets a "Bloody Hell" on the next page, everyone's seen Harry Potter so know it's a British sweary but you know what would make it more British? Spelling it phonetically. "Bluh-dee". Leave it aaht guvner apples and pears only killed their own etc.

Black Manta's plan is barking. He'll stop the world thinking Aquaman is a hero, and scupper Atlantis/surface relations, by showing them him (Aquaman) beating up a terrorist supervillain (Manta). Ignoring the fact this is taking place in a room that nobody can see in, the plan is roughly akin to Michael Gove proving he's trustworthy by stabbing his best mate Boris in the back. (Wow, that'll date this review.) Instead of fighting they spend pages arguing about why they're the bigger man because they're not going to kill the other one. After a bit, Manta loses the will to live and gives up. IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE WAS READING IT. The British One gets to say her name and Manta gets taken to prison before being freed on the very next page. HOLY SUSPENSFUL CLIFFHANGER! This may well have been worse than #1.

Batman #2

w: Tom King a: David Finch, Matt Banning & Danny Miki

Gotham and Gotham Girl are failing to punch Solomon Grundy while he accidentally destroys the Gotham Statue of Gotham Liberty so Bats turns up like the smug know-it-all that he is an takes him down in seconds while pointing out how much better at superheroing than Gotham he is and that if he was wearing any socks then maybe he should start pulling them up. "That Guy" doesn't want to be "That Guy" BUT shocker.

So it turns out Rebirth Batman remembers being dead, which is a new thing. Him and Jim Gordon meet Gotham and Gotham Girl by the batsignal to find out which of them has the number for the Monster Men in their iPhone and they can drop a pin in the map and find them, but luckily because plot none of them have heard of the Monster Men. I'm betting it has something to do with Hugo Strange though, because he appears on the last page having been brought to Gotham (the city, not the hero) by Amanda Waller. This is going to take some complicated plot development and/or soft rebooting to get round because if he's part of a Suicide Squad/Task Force X deal then he must already be a known villain but the dialogue implies this is his first time in Gotham ergo his crimes were all elsewhere, making him being a previous bat-baddie near impossible? I'm pretty sure this will just turn out to be a dialogue failure but I'll get the popcorn in case.

In other news, Gotham Girl has ultra-vision. Does that help us work out who it secretly is?

Green Arrow #2

w: Benjamin Percy a: Otto Schmidt

So, contrary to what I thought, it looks like Ollie actually did die in #1 of his own book because the issue starts with Shado dumping his corpse in the bay and John Diggle Superhero getting a call telling him Ollie is dead. (Yes, I know this is clearly a fakeout but I'll keep playing the game.) Dinah tells us that "anyone who spent more than 5 minutes with Ollie" yadda yadda despite having only spent 5 minutes with Ollie during #1. I do like that her internal monologue bubbles wear fishnet tights though, that helps you know they're hers.

OH WHAT A SURPRISE OLLIE IS STILL ALIVE. But in the two weeks he's been Not Dead he's had his whole business empire dismantled and his house blown up. So he goes to live in a secret tree and phones his mate who, instead of being confused when a dead guy phones him just says that he needs paying before he helps out. It's all about the Benjamins obviously. Then Green Arrow emerges from the tree ready to fight and like a new man. Why, it's almost like a... <choke> REBIRTH.

Green Lanterns #2

w: Sam Humphries a: Robson Rocha & Jay Leisten

Boys & girls, are you sitting comfortably? Good, because Atrocitous is going to explain his entire evil plan to us. It turns out Earth is actually the most rage-y place in the galaxy so he's put a Hell Tower there so he can inject his seed into the centre of the Earth and bring about a communist invasion. What do you mean, Red Dawn means something else these days?

Agoraphobic Lantern is still playing Twister in Bed Bath & Beyond so Guantanamo Lantern drives an imaginary car through the wall because that's "awesome" and "grimy" like "Detroit". He picks up Agoraphobic Lantern in it, then crashes into a row of shelving, presumably having been distracted by some chintzy soft furnishings. Guantanamo Lantern stops Agoraphobic Lantern getting her head caved in by a baseball bat, then shoplifts a teddy bear before flying them off into space. Because they need to be that far away to work out Atrocitous us behind it, obviously. This really is dreadful and available with two covers - Bleez (who isn't even in the issue) Butt Shot or Agoraphobic Lantern's Amazing Exploding Boobs. It's the Sophie's Choice of cheesecake.

Justice League #1

w: Bryan Hitch a: Bryan Hitch, Daniel Henriques & Scott Hanna

The Justice League fight Cloverfield in Manhattan while 80s Superman discusses career opportunities with 80s Lois. Agoraphobic Lantern and Guantanamo Lantern investigate an earthquake in China because they need a break from what's going on in their own book (and in a shocking display of continuity they actually acknowledge this, that what's happening in future issues of Lanterns - must be future because they mention Bleez and she hasn't appeared to them yet - is happening simultaneously and needs their attention too). Batman decides the best way to negotiate with Cloverfield is to climb inside and go all Fantastic Voyage on it, but not before a flashback where they discuss how they don't trust 80s Superman because he's not from the Johnsiverse like them.

I've just realised, this is Tiny Identity Footprints all over again. The GL discuss various ways of getting rid of Cloverfield's brane but settle instead for posing for a promo photo and sending Cloverfield off into space to tell any other space monsters that they're real tough guys see and will beat up any baddies that come to Earth. Naturally, this makes Flash horny so he hits on Agoraphobic Lantern which makes her giggle like a schoolgirl. The End.

Superman #2

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Patrick Gleason & Mick Gray

80s Superman is showing his boy how to do the family job when, and this happens to me every day I swear, a giant octopus-like creature appears and tries to eat a nearby nuclear submarine. I don't know about you, but I've just about had enough of these kitchen sink dramas. I want to have my imagination exercised and taken to new limits, not just more of the day-to-day grind. Give me heroism and derring-do, dammit!

80s Superman and Boy Superman team up to shine a laser pointer in its eye which makes it swim away, then Boy Superman admits setting fire to the family cat. 80s Superman says he should tell Lois to make her proud so she must have either really hated the cat or be a big fan of pet torture. Back on the farm Boy Superman falls out of a tree because a girl tries to hold his hand and ends up unconscious despite being Super. Her dad brings him to 80s Superman who gets weirdly aggressive about it before deciding to fly him to the Fortress of Solitude because that's where the first aid kit is. But OH NOES Magical Sparkly Superman (who may be called ERADICATOR if the next issue strapping is any indication) has appeared out of nowhere to "save" Johnsiverse Superman. Either he's got a different definition of "save" to the rest of us or he knows something we don't. This is already 10x more convoluted than it needs to be and I can't help thinking it's going to get worse before it gets better.

"Does that help us work out who it secretly is?"

Just read Batman #2. I thought at first it might be bringing the New52 versions of Geo-Force and Terra but it probably is some other world Kryptonians. Ultraman is the name of the 'evil' Superman I do believe.

Just reading the mini-series by Paul Dini a couple weeks back, Hugo Strange was the big bad behind the whole Arkham City video game etc., I got a feeling they might be echoing a bit of that storyline here. Curious to see how the Waller angle plays in, but Suicide Squad should have been 'editorially' along side the other Bat books considering how much of the characters are Batman Rogues.

As for the Superman reboot, I don't think it is at all about making it ready for new readers at all as much as picking up and tying back in the old New Earth comics back into the long game to chill out and hopefully bring back old readers. Its pretty much being setup as a sequel to the Death of Superman (with a new 3 mystery Superman) in Action and this storyline With Chris Kent is an altered sequel to what Geoff Johns was doing on the Superbooks a few years back before it got all New Krypton (which I hated and dumped the titles around then).

Having recently read a bunch of Sam Humphries stuff, I'm very happy that he has a gig at DC now. I don't know what Dan Abnett's doing there, though, or why he's writing Britishisms as if they're a second language.

If DC editorial is as dumb as I think they are, they might be echoing the Hugo Strange characterization from their Gotham tv show

Enjoying Batman. Don't like the art but the writing shows a base level of competence I haven't seen in any of DC's other titles. Base level competence! That's what the kids go crazy for these days.

i know it catches my eye

Isn't Dan Abnett British himself? Making it really weird if he's writing "guv'nor" style colloquialisms now.

Yeah, that's the point I was trying to make a few posts up.

Self-parody?

Meeting editorial expectations?

So it seems the the thing that made the Abnett & Lanning team such a success was actually Andy Lanning? I've read a couple of Abnett's comics before they started working together, and they weren't particularly good, and based on this thread his post-partnership work doesn't appear to be good either.

Has Lanning written any comics all by himself, I'm not aware of any? I know he was an artist before, I've read some of the stuff he drew, but IIRC they were always written by someone else.

I liked Abnett's The New Deadwardians, but the ending was bollocks

Action Comics #959

w: Dan Jurgens a: Tyler Kirkham

Quick, let's catch up like we didn't read Death of Superman (despite it having been done in the last two issues)! It can't hurt, right? We can get 80s Lois to tell Superkiddy.

Now let's get Johnsiverse Jimmy to tell Clark Not Superman that he's Superman so he can say he's Clark Not Superman not Superman or 80s Superman.

Bored with this already? So am I.

Mr Oz (oooooh sekrits) watches 80s Superman and Luthor Superman fail to beat Doomsday only for Luthorman to pull out the Mother Box from his armour that he hid in there when he stayed forever on Apokolips as their ruler at the end of Justice League Beat Up Darkseid And Baby Magic. So in a plot that can't be in the same continuity as this.

Clark Not Superman falls in a sewer and we get another giant explanation of how he's Clark Not Superman and not Superman.

This is really wearying tbh.

Superkiddy thinks Luthorman is a better Superman than Superdad is. But neither of them are good enough to beat Doomsday and he closes in on Clark Not Superman. Oh NOES! Who will save the day? (The next issue box spoils that it's Wonder Woman.)

Dreadful repetitive stuff.

Detective Comics #936

w: James Tynion IV a: Alvaro Martinez & Raul Fernandez

Batman gets a good kicking from Colony (because it turns out that is who it was at the end of the last issue). We know that because Tim Robin and Batwoman are watching it on the big screen and Tim Robin tells us it it's them; pretty remarkable really because last issue nobody had even heard of them but now he knows exactly what they look like.

After an awful lot of standing around watching the screen Batwoman introduces her dad who will save them all but in a SHOCKING TWIST it turns out he's actually the one behind Colony because he hates the Bat Family for an unspecified reason (but probably daddy issues). He asks Kate to be the anti-Bat Woman but she'd rather go and live in a Clayface ball.

Unnecessarily complex storytelling makes this a chore.

Hal Jordan & the GL Corps Rebirth

w: Robert Venditti a: Ethan van Sciver

Sinestro, who has inexplicably aged since he left the Johnsiverse, has build a planet that he has moved through space to be the new Oa so he can rule it with his friend Lingerie Lantern. Hal Jordan comes out of a cave on Planet of the Caves but he's actually only a construct of his own ring. OOH META.

He catches us all up on GL101 including telling us that Simon Baz is dead which kind of buggers up Green Lanterns now, doesn't it. Or rather, it gives us two different Rebirth continuities and not all the first issues are out yet.

Hal then uses some more constructs to smash the Gauntlet (which only makes sense if you read the Hal & Kyle Johnsiverse books). This reverses some bits of Johnsiverse history, but not some others, and it's already far too complicated and mired in at least 5 other books. Then Hal becomes a real boy like Pinnochio and recites his oath to charge his ring from a lantern that doesn't exist.

Parallax is helping Sinestro. Like any of us care.

New Superman #1

w: Gene Luen Yang a: Viktor Bogdanovic & Richard Friend

The primer: this is Chinese Superman, grown in a test tube and the only one of the Secret Chinese Superman Growing Programme that hasn't self-combusted. There you go, now you don't have to read a year of comics from the end of the Johnsiverse.

Anyway, this is the secret origin of him (Kong Kenan), the young reporter (Laney Lan) and the boy he bullies before becoming Chinese Superman (Luo Lixin).

After an interminable Yellowface version of Superman's history The Ministry of Self Reliance make Kong New Superman then because he can't control his powers they call in Yellowface Batman and Yellowface Wonder Woman to stop him. Next month we'll get Yellowface Justice League. Who aren't the GMoz Chinese heroes, even though they were used in the Johnsiverse as late as the final months.

Maybe this will be ok. But the signs aren't good.

Nightwing Rebirth

w: Tim Seeley a: Yanick Paquette

To be clear, this is the Rebirth of Grayson and not Nightwang. After finding out which book the other characters from Grayson are in (Batgirl & the Birds of Prey, which is presumably going to be a pretty crowded book) Dick and Damien play video games while saying HUNDREDS of words. There are some flashbacks to Dick playing with his old Spyral friends, and Midnighter playing with Dick and giving him a bag of poppers in a frantic attempt to drum up some excitement.

The bag of poppers turns out to be a bomb removal device to save Damien's life, which literally wasn't mentioned before it was resolved. The Owls have moved to Greece and swapped their white masks for black ones to confuse Batman just before Lincoln March gets killed by someone who is either Talon or Nite Owl.

Dick decides to be Nightwang again and not Grayson to confuse the Owls but to be honest they seem like an easily confused bunch so he might be overthinking it.

I liked Grayson. I'd rather have it back than Nightwang.

Flash #2

w: Joshua Williamson a: Carmine di Giandomenico

Flash tries to teach August Heart how to be a Speedster but he's too scared to try - although he does get one skill from the Speed Force which is to know Barry's secret identity.

A very talky issue skirts round Wally being a speedster, Iris being a reporter and August wanting to Flashpoint his brother. Eventually through Evolution of a Hero he becomes <name TBA> and helps the Flash. And because the Speed Force is sentient now... it decides helping Barry is good so turns all of Central City into Flashes.

An original plot SHOCKER. Looking forward to seeing how this develops, although it feels like it might be slight.

Wonder Woman #2

w: Greg Rucka a: Nicola Scott

Now remember, the odd and even numbered issues of WW are completely different stories. I had forgotten myself until I started reading and wondered what had happened to the jungle.

So, this is the origin of WW and how Steve Trevor gets to Themiscrya in the first place. All the Amazons talk in bold type which makes it seem like they're permanently shouting. Anyway, cutting to the chase you've read this book hundreds of times before and it's as boring as that sounds.

This does potentially mean that the odd and even issues are in different continuities and the final Johnsiverse revelations don't apply in the even issues. I might just read the odd ones in future because they're 100x better than this. You'd never guess Didio and Johns planned this chaos.

these are all pretty bad imo, even new superman is (at best) a busiek-style fanboy retelling

...has Dick Grayson been a superhero called Grayson at some point in recent years?

radical transparency in superheroics

I am now giggling imagining a Batman comic titled "Wayne". He's out in the open, just some dude named Wayne fighting crime.