Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

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aldo you wanna split up the next batch so that we don't burn out? i'll take green arrow, batman, DKR if you take titans rebirth, green lanterns and superman

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Saturday, 18 June 2016 05:26 (seven years ago) link

BitD?

Nhex, Saturday, 18 June 2016 07:34 (seven years ago) link

(Back in the Day)

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Saturday, 18 June 2016 09:21 (seven years ago) link

Happy to split them up, although that means we missed the chance to call the thread The Brave And The Bold.

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Saturday, 18 June 2016 09:22 (seven years ago) link

A super hero team up for the ages

i believe that (s)he is sincere (forksclovetofu), Saturday, 18 June 2016 14:25 (seven years ago) link

BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT! THE TEAM UP OF THE CENTURY! World's Dumbest Comics Reporting Presents:

Titans Rebirth

w: Dan Abnett a: Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund

TUOMAS SIRENS: WITHIN IS ACTUAL REBIRTH PLOT ALSO NB THIS IS TITANS NOT TEEN TITANS WHICH IS A DIFFERENT BOOK WITH A DIFFERENT KID FLASH

Ok, so Wally breaks into Titans Tower to steal the naked shower pics he took of Wonder Girl back when he existed and instead only finds that he's been cosmically photoshopped out of Titans history like Nightwang was Uncle Joe. Dick finds him but Wally somehow makes lightning come out of his hands and it's not just any old lightning, it's special MEMORY RESTORE LIGHTNING. So, Dick remembers who he is but everybody else just think he's some kind of superburglar and attack him. Each time they touch him they get the magic lightning too until everyone is up to speed, or at least they are if they read Titans Hunt (which a handy boxout points out you should have read. Comics! They're not just for people with more money and time than sense any more!) and we get some flashbacks of teenagers having fun, or maybe a 'ten years ago' Facebook montage. Wally turns all Twin Peaks Giant then finds the photos have him in them again after all. Sounds more like Marty McFly to me.

I like my Titans more Teen than this, but I'll take what I get at this point. At least it advanced the Rebirth plot, even if it's glacial and arguably only one page.

Green Lanterns #1

w: Sam Humphries a: Robson Rocha & Jay Leisten

The first couple of pages recap GL Rebirth which came out TWO WEEKS AGO. Seriously dudes, we can remember that long ago. It's really not that difficult and you haven't even published that much in the interim for us to read. Anyway, then The Odd Couple investigate a house their rings tell them to where they meet a punk guy with a home-made Red Lantern t-shirt. DIY TILL I DIE. They knock him out and find he has an ACTUAL Red Lantern nailed to his wall while dramatic music plays at the bottom of the screen (which reads baBUMbaBUMbaBUMbaBUM, although this could be Brokeback Pose Bleez's walk on music). Once Agoraphobic Lantern has been sick into the giant pile of corpses that's mysteriously in a floor space they decide it's a matter for the actual police and not them. Despite the actual alien and their rings telling them it was theirs to deal with. World's Laziest, and this irony is not lost on the police who suspect they're just cosplayers.

This has all just been a distraction so that a Red Lantern bomb can go off, which
... I genuinely don't know. I thought at first it killed everyone and transformed the landscape, then I thought it transported them to the Red Lantern planet; but then ARGUS just turn up and tell them to leave. So they do, and go back to their normal lives which are unchanged so the bomb did... nothing?

It looks like this was all Bleez's plan, as we can tell from the page where she smiles as Atrocitous chokes her in order to give himself the Rage Seed. I wish I had made that up.

Agoraphobic Lantern has a panic attack in Bed, Bath and Beyond and Terrorist Lantern has a rant about profiling before he gets a new Lantern power that lets him read the next issue of Previews. All of this makes Atrocitous' Groin turn into a giant red ball and he boasts about how he's going to split the Odd Couple up. Let no man put asunder what Hal Jordan has put together.

Confusing bomb excepted this isn't actually too bad a read but it's also Just Another Lantern Story with all too familiar Johns-era tropes. And added baBUMbaBUMbaBUMbaBUM sound effects on multiple pages.

Superman #1

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Patrick Gleason & Mick Gray

In case you missed it in the other books we get a quick reminder that 80s Superman died back when he was Superman, and that Johnsiverse Superman is dead but hasn't come back although he does appear to have anti-theft paint on his grave. And that he's ditched the Hipster In Mourning look and started dressing like Superman again because he doesn't have to worry about getting confused with the dead guy.

This is a really nice domestic book about living on a farm and doing perfectly normal things like setting fire to birds with your heat vision. A girl likes Jonathan despite this and she brings him some milk in the evening.

The Justice League turn up near the end and the next issue will no doubt spoil things, but I'd quite happily read more episodes of Harvest Moon monthly just to see whether the tractor can actually be fixed or needs replacing, or whether Colorado Beetle (NOT A SUPERHERO) will affect the potato harvest. A completely unexpected delight.

P.S. No Rebirth in here either.

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Saturday, 18 June 2016 18:11 (seven years ago) link

The cat thing was ridiculously gratuitous. Did not like.

Also Lois Lane: you are not much fun anymore! Is there a new version of fridging where female characters just get erased from continuity or made boring? (See also Mary Jane, Kirsten in Daredevil, etc)

Chuck_Tatum, Saturday, 18 June 2016 20:40 (seven years ago) link

Dark Knight Returns: Even Darker than You Thought is a comic book set at some unknowable time between the signposts of Year One and The Dark Knight Returns (but importantly BEFORE Death in the Family), telling the story of how and why Batman finally retired. It is listed as being co-written by Frank Miller and Brian Azzarello but Azzarello's voice comes through clearest. Even if it is sadistic grim'n'gritty done all over again for no clear reason except DC needs to keep the lights on, it is a readable and essentially coherent story. It's not pleasant or enjoyable but, unlike several of the books we've touched on this month, you can follow what's going on without having to check wikipedia. So it's got that going for it.
The art is John Romita Jr. through the prism of Peter Stegerwald on inks and colors and between the two of them they do a reasonable job of aping Miller's now cliched banal yin of tiny talking television boxes:
http://i.imgur.com/suSCWa7.png

and the in-the-grip-of-puberty yang of gleeful, convoluted Fight Club chic:
http://i.imgur.com/vtEE582.png

Plot synopsis is that Bruce Wayne is losing a step and Jason Todd is getting into the old ultraviolence in a way that's distressing Batman. The Joker escapes Arkham because he's the Joker. Wayne is badly beaten by Croc. He finds Poison Ivy in the midst of seducing Gotham's elite. Wayne is badly beaten by Croc again. Unable to patrol, he tells Jason to stand down. Jason doesn't and is beaten down by a bunch of Joker goons. Cliffhanger. The End. This may sound familiar. It better, it's been done a half dozen times. Do comic readers really want the same story peddled to them over and over? DC says yes.

This is miles better than DK3 to a sober eye but at least that trainwreck took a certain madhouse glee with Miller's batshittery. This is workmanlike but unimaginative and it takes itself entirely too seriously.
http://i.imgur.com/3sXE5UU.png

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Sunday, 19 June 2016 06:09 (seven years ago) link

ELSEWORLDS BRAVE & THE BOLD (because I just had to comment on the books after all)

Batman #1

w: Tom King a: David Finch & Matt Banning

Sometimes the simple stories are the best. Terrorists have fired a surface to air missile at a plane above Gotham, knocking the tail off it and making it crash right in the centre of Gotham. All the flying Justice Leaguers are all having a hot tub together so Bats has to fix it himself. And this is where it gets ridiculous.

Allowing only a minute for Bats to get from the rooftop and get the Batmobile driving, then a 53 second journey (from the text) then three minutes before impact (again, from the text) it means a crashing plane takes AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES to hit central Gotham having started crashing over central Gotham. Around 3 minutes of this are at only about 20 storeys up. Even ignoring the fact Bats gets on the back of it and flies it by ropes like he was breaking in a recalcitrant pony, this is patently bollocks and too incredulous for this to be a successful issue.

But the whole point is to introduce a new hero to Gotham. He's called Gotham and his sidekick is called Gotham Girl. As Efrem Zimbalist Jr said to Efrem Zimbalist Sr, "dad, ain't you got no fucking imagination?" All the speculation was that this was Nite Owl and Silk Spectre in disguise, but they can fly so scratch that one. Could they be <choke> new characters? FIND OUT EVENTUALLY, PROBABLY IN A DIFFERENT BOOK.

Green Arrow #1

w: Benjamin Percy a: Otto Schmidt

SAINTS BE PRAISED, TWO CONSECUTIVE ISSUES THAT ACTUALLY TELL A CONTINUING STORY

Ollie and Dinah have finished their afternoon delight and are after the people smugglers. This involves much kicking to the face (or "putting my fishnets to use" as Dinah has it, in a completely inaccurate description). In fact, this book is a goldmine for dreadful dialogue. "TRY TO OBJECTIFY ME AND YOU'LL BLEED. BECAUSE I'M A WEAPON."

Baddies fought, it's time to go back to the ArrowCave to have some traditional post-fite rumpy-pumpy. Then a ride around the city, showing your fuckbuddy what a great philanthropist you are by naming civic facilities after yourself in epic humblebrag.

Shado puts about a dozen arrows in Ollie because she's working for Masked Smuggler Guy, who also happens to work for Ollie as Chief Tuxedo Tester. He's not much of a judge of character, clearly. IS HE DEADED? (Of course he won't be, but it would be fun if he was.)

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Tuesday, 21 June 2016 20:42 (seven years ago) link

"TRY TO OBJECTIFY ME AND YOU'LL BLEED. BECAUSE I'M A WEAPON."

weapons are objects afaik

an alternate version of his real world dog (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 21 June 2016 20:45 (seven years ago) link

i guess she's saying that's the consequence of objectification? lol

Nhex, Tuesday, 21 June 2016 20:48 (seven years ago) link

But the whole point is to introduce a new hero to Gotham

Holy shit, aren't there now about 391 superheroes there?

tbf, their rates of purse snatching, bank robbery, police corruption and straight-up serial murder are pretty high compared to other DCU cities

Nhex, Wednesday, 22 June 2016 01:41 (seven years ago) link

i was running slow but yes, Green arrow is the worst.
Compare and contrast:

http://i.imgur.com/R7x3vyQ.png
http://i.imgur.com/yRHgSRo.png
http://i.imgur.com/N3sqJPs.png
http://i.imgur.com/0iAc7CZ.png
http://i.imgur.com/mimVXAN.png

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 13:58 (seven years ago) link

women are desperately need of saving except they're not and they're totally empowered, now check out her ass

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 13:59 (seven years ago) link

the "happiness is... " series of lines is, i think, presented entirely without intention to nod to schulz but it's fun to imagine those captions with snoopy and lucy

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 14:00 (seven years ago) link

'well-oiled mitt'

an alternate version of his real world dog (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 15:28 (seven years ago) link

the disconnect between the art and the dialogue suggests the two creative leads are working via a patchy skype connection

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 15:30 (seven years ago) link

Seriously! I expected that one panel to end with "Maxwell House. It really eases the pain of constant loss!"

Manspread Mann (Old Lunch), Wednesday, 22 June 2016 15:44 (seven years ago) link

I'd like to know how "getting close" to bands has hurt Black Canary. Maybe she didn't like Frankie Sinatra either?

albvivertine, Thursday, 23 June 2016 05:16 (seven years ago) link

Action Comics #958
w: Dan Jurgens a: Patrick Zircher

Talk about shooting your bolt early. After a minor recap, yet again, of the previous year's Superman continuity 80s Superman fights 80s Doomsday (the one that killed him) who he recognises because he's in disguise as a HYDRA agent. Mr Oz (who is white with green eyes, clue hunters) watches on in surprise the plot has moved on that quickly. 80s Lois tells Jonathan 80s Superman's real continuity in 80s Superman Universe and All New Clark Kent acts all mysterious like he's Depowered Superman.

80s Superman and Luthor Superman get all punchy with Doomsday, pausing only to rescue the pesky civilians that get in the way of the destruction. Doomsday is about to crush Luthor Superman's head as Mr Oz watches through his magic See Everywhere Without Cameras televisions and wonders what will happen next because until it does he has no idea what the plot after it is. You and me both buddy, you and me both.

Aquaman #1
w: Dan Abnett a: Brad Walker & Andrew Hennessey

Arthur and Mera talk about how nice it is to be married, throws away last issue's plot and explains at length how diplomatic relations will work in his future Atlantean paradise (now he's definitely Atlantean again, no fingers crossed, no takebacks). Black Manta watches them through binoculars from another cliff top, presumably in case they make out. The scene cuts to the Atlantean Embassy where we get a ridiculously long "first day on the job" section for not one but TWO characters before Arthur turns up. At which point, of course, the British one says "Crikey".

There's an 'amusing' section about the buffet where Mera is concerned about it (because she's a woman DUH so who else would get worried). She is DAD DANCING ALERT worried they'll get "a bad Trip Advisor for our food." The British one says "Crikey" again. I see a catchphrase coming.

And then, quick as a flash, plot happens. Black Manta has been disguised as a reporter and has placed bombs on the inner wall. This blows up the outer wall because PHYSICS which despite being above sea level (according to the dialogue) is actually below sea level (according to a couple of images which appear to have people swimming outside the windows) and causes the water to flood in badly and then not badly depending on whether the plot needs a giant wave or a knee deep puddle. The British One graduates to "oh my God."

I graduate to "Jesus Tittyfucking Christ". This isn't really that bad in high level concept, but the execution is just turgid.

Detective Comics #935
w: James Tynion IV a: Eddy Barrows & Eber Ferreira

The Bat Titans are in the Bat Danger Room practicing BatBall Specials against an army of Jokers before giving up because they're a bit tired and just want to watch a bit of Robot Chicken. Then the SECRETS OF THE BAT DANGER ROOM ARE REVEALED! It turns out to be called the Mud Room and it actually leftover bits of Clayface the BatPuter has made into a giant animatronic. But where do they get leftover bits of Clayface you ask? Simple, they fix him up to a machine and pull bits off when they need them. HOLY HUMAN TRAFFICKING BATMAN!

Blah blah very talky blah blah catch up about Azrael blah blah mention every Bat Titan by name blah blah OH LOOK PLOT SOMETHING IS CALLED COLONY blah blah more talky

Fifty people (we know, because they tell us) turn up to punch Bats. I HAVE A SUSPICION THEY ARE COLONY.

Flash #1
w: Joshua Williamson a: Carmine di Giandomenico

This is a #1. Like a PROPER #1. It has an origin, and background and describes the relationship between characters and shows a bit of superheroing. And then at the end Barry's partner gets shot by "the Black Hole" (no, me neither) only possibly gets speedforced instead.

So is this a full on reboot? It reads like a completely new jumping on point for new buyers but for even converts from the TV show it only says things they already knew. I suppose as a Flash fanboy you'd expect me to say I liked it and I did, but it's utterly unnecessary.

Wonder Woman #1

w: Greg Rucka a: Liam Sharp

Watch! As WW explains how she's a Psycho Pirate! Gasp! As this takes place against a series of unrelated pictures from Jungle Fantasy! Choke! As the plot abruptly shifts to Etta Candy just as Stereotypical Cannibal Mans are about to come out of the jungle! Amaze! As Steve Trevor fights terrists in some undefined African Country (possibly BWUNDA)! Fantasy! Back in the jungle for some butt shots! Listen! As Steve Trevor/Diana backstory gets filled in! Shriek! As WW is attacked by what seems to be an army of Man Bats! Politics! As it turns out Steve Trevor is after Boko Haram! Plot! As the villain WW is after turns out to be the Cheetah who Diana needs to find Themiscrya! Struggle! As you try and think what this is all for!

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Tuesday, 28 June 2016 21:21 (seven years ago) link

great chronicle of aldo losing his mind

Nhex, Tuesday, 28 June 2016 22:04 (seven years ago) link

lol @ action comics smh

kurt schwitterz, Tuesday, 28 June 2016 22:05 (seven years ago) link

of the previous year's Superman continuity 80s Superman fights 80s Doomsday

Sans the comma, it does kind of sound like you're having a breakdown here.

Andrew Farrell, Tuesday, 28 June 2016 23:09 (seven years ago) link

i can't really keep up to be honest; these are very hard reads.

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Tuesday, 28 June 2016 23:10 (seven years ago) link

No no no, you are mistaken, this is a reboot and therefore great pains have been taken to make everything new reader friendly.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 28 June 2016 23:59 (seven years ago) link

so idly wondering if Donna Troy still exists, and if so who she is now. as her history was rewritten so many times, getting more convoluted each time, was curious.

H in Addis, Thursday, 30 June 2016 09:14 (seven years ago) link

Now she's Hawkman

My first reaction: lol. My second reaction: wait, that's totally feasible coming from the DC of today.

My general reaction to this thread is to nod with a look of wonderment on my face as if I were listening intently to a toddler telling me a shaggy dog story that makes absolutely zero sense.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:25 (seven years ago) link

Darkseid had a baby with Wonder Woman's friend and then he died and then she had a baby and her baby was Darkseid

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:37 (seven years ago) link

See, I have no idea whether you're fucking with me or not.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:38 (seven years ago) link

Haha no that's really a thing

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:44 (seven years ago) link

Can't believe Etta Candy is Darkseid's baby mama/mama.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:46 (seven years ago) link

Then that baby got killed and later (but still in the same issue of the book) another, different, baby got turned into Darkseid.

Horizontal Superman is invulnerable (aldo), Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:47 (seven years ago) link

Wait, I missed a step. The baby gets killed which lets adult Darkseid come back, who gets killed again and comes back as another, different baby.

Still all in the same issue though.

Horizontal Superman is invulnerable (aldo), Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:49 (seven years ago) link

fucking hell

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 30 June 2016 12:50 (seven years ago) link

As long as there's some infanticide in my DC comic, I'm happy.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 13:01 (seven years ago) link

Serious q: has DC figured out how to grim & grittify Sugar and Spike yet?

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 13:03 (seven years ago) link

oh ye of little faith

http://comicsalliance.com/files/2016/03/Sugar02-e1458221105713.jpg

they're now 'a pair of laconic, gun-toting private eyes who specialize in cleaning up embarrassments for superheroes before they get out to the press'

lowercase christ (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 30 June 2016 14:30 (seven years ago) link

haha, thanks for the reply/ies - all seems to make perfect sense

H in Addis, Thursday, 30 June 2016 14:33 (seven years ago) link

not rebirth, but the ending of the recent DK3 had me cracking up

"superman doesn't have a helmet, so if he had a full-body superman armor created by batman, the headpiece would be a really dumb version of his face, right?"

"i'll get right on drawing that"

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 30 June 2016 15:10 (seven years ago) link

sent a picture of it to a friend and he thought it was notable that batman was smiling

"well, yeah, because he can see that ridiculous thing superman is in"

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 30 June 2016 15:11 (seven years ago) link

Unrelatedly, I'm rereading 52 for the first time since it was published, and it holds up really, really well.

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 30 June 2016 15:24 (seven years ago) link

Yeah, I've got the first volume of the new collected editions on the way and I'm looking forward to it. Ah, those magical times before editorial mandate became the ruinous rule of the day at DC.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 15:31 (seven years ago) link

bizarre, I don't know how I missed your Sugar & Spike response. It's like someone just plunged their toilet with my heart.

There must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 June 2016 16:00 (seven years ago) link

Darkseid had a baby with Wonder Woman's friend and then he died and then she had a baby and her baby was Darkseid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE63y7ctAwA

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Thursday, 30 June 2016 17:28 (seven years ago) link

also re sugar and spice: fuck everything

thrusted pelvis-first back (ulysses), Thursday, 30 June 2016 17:28 (seven years ago) link

Aquaman #2

w: Dan Abnett a: Scott Eaton & Wayne Faucher

So we're back in the above/underwater Atlantean Embassy again and after a two pager explaining what Manta's beef with aquaman is (and directly contradicting all the Johnsiverse Aquaman continuity in the process, but let's not unpick that pomegranate too much) and a further two pages catching up readers with what happened last issue we get to the action. On page 6 the British one says her first, then second word. Which is "Crikey!" Told you I could smell a catchphrase coming. #dibnynose She gets a "Bloody Hell" on the next page, everyone's seen Harry Potter so know it's a British sweary but you know what would make it more British? Spelling it phonetically. "Bluh-dee". Leave it aaht guvner apples and pears only killed their own etc.

Black Manta's plan is barking. He'll stop the world thinking Aquaman is a hero, and scupper Atlantis/surface relations, by showing them him (Aquaman) beating up a terrorist supervillain (Manta). Ignoring the fact this is taking place in a room that nobody can see in, the plan is roughly akin to Michael Gove proving he's trustworthy by stabbing his best mate Boris in the back. (Wow, that'll date this review.) Instead of fighting they spend pages arguing about why they're the bigger man because they're not going to kill the other one. After a bit, Manta loses the will to live and gives up. IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE WAS READING IT. The British One gets to say her name and Manta gets taken to prison before being freed on the very next page. HOLY SUSPENSFUL CLIFFHANGER! This may well have been worse than #1.

Batman #2

w: Tom King a: David Finch, Matt Banning & Danny Miki

Gotham and Gotham Girl are failing to punch Solomon Grundy while he accidentally destroys the Gotham Statue of Gotham Liberty so Bats turns up like the smug know-it-all that he is an takes him down in seconds while pointing out how much better at superheroing than Gotham he is and that if he was wearing any socks then maybe he should start pulling them up. "That Guy" doesn't want to be "That Guy" BUT shocker.

So it turns out Rebirth Batman remembers being dead, which is a new thing. Him and Jim Gordon meet Gotham and Gotham Girl by the batsignal to find out which of them has the number for the Monster Men in their iPhone and they can drop a pin in the map and find them, but luckily because plot none of them have heard of the Monster Men. I'm betting it has something to do with Hugo Strange though, because he appears on the last page having been brought to Gotham (the city, not the hero) by Amanda Waller. This is going to take some complicated plot development and/or soft rebooting to get round because if he's part of a Suicide Squad/Task Force X deal then he must already be a known villain but the dialogue implies this is his first time in Gotham ergo his crimes were all elsewhere, making him being a previous bat-baddie near impossible? I'm pretty sure this will just turn out to be a dialogue failure but I'll get the popcorn in case.

In other news, Gotham Girl has ultra-vision. Does that help us work out who it secretly is?

Green Arrow #2

w: Benjamin Percy a: Otto Schmidt

So, contrary to what I thought, it looks like Ollie actually did die in #1 of his own book because the issue starts with Shado dumping his corpse in the bay and John Diggle Superhero getting a call telling him Ollie is dead. (Yes, I know this is clearly a fakeout but I'll keep playing the game.) Dinah tells us that "anyone who spent more than 5 minutes with Ollie" yadda yadda despite having only spent 5 minutes with Ollie during #1. I do like that her internal monologue bubbles wear fishnet tights though, that helps you know they're hers.

OH WHAT A SURPRISE OLLIE IS STILL ALIVE. But in the two weeks he's been Not Dead he's had his whole business empire dismantled and his house blown up. So he goes to live in a secret tree and phones his mate who, instead of being confused when a dead guy phones him just says that he needs paying before he helps out. It's all about the Benjamins obviously. Then Green Arrow emerges from the tree ready to fight and like a new man. Why, it's almost like a... <choke> REBIRTH.

Green Lanterns #2

w: Sam Humphries a: Robson Rocha & Jay Leisten

Boys & girls, are you sitting comfortably? Good, because Atrocitous is going to explain his entire evil plan to us. It turns out Earth is actually the most rage-y place in the galaxy so he's put a Hell Tower there so he can inject his seed into the centre of the Earth and bring about a communist invasion. What do you mean, Red Dawn means something else these days?

Agoraphobic Lantern is still playing Twister in Bed Bath & Beyond so Guantanamo Lantern drives an imaginary car through the wall because that's "awesome" and "grimy" like "Detroit". He picks up Agoraphobic Lantern in it, then crashes into a row of shelving, presumably having been distracted by some chintzy soft furnishings. Guantanamo Lantern stops Agoraphobic Lantern getting her head caved in by a baseball bat, then shoplifts a teddy bear before flying them off into space. Because they need to be that far away to work out Atrocitous us behind it, obviously. This really is dreadful and available with two covers - Bleez (who isn't even in the issue) Butt Shot or Agoraphobic Lantern's Amazing Exploding Boobs. It's the Sophie's Choice of cheesecake.

Justice League #1

w: Bryan Hitch a: Bryan Hitch, Daniel Henriques & Scott Hanna

The Justice League fight Cloverfield in Manhattan while 80s Superman discusses career opportunities with 80s Lois. Agoraphobic Lantern and Guantanamo Lantern investigate an earthquake in China because they need a break from what's going on in their own book (and in a shocking display of continuity they actually acknowledge this, that what's happening in future issues of Lanterns - must be future because they mention Bleez and she hasn't appeared to them yet - is happening simultaneously and needs their attention too). Batman decides the best way to negotiate with Cloverfield is to climb inside and go all Fantastic Voyage on it, but not before a flashback where they discuss how they don't trust 80s Superman because he's not from the Johnsiverse like them.

I've just realised, this is Tiny Identity Footprints all over again. The GL discuss various ways of getting rid of Cloverfield's brane but settle instead for posing for a promo photo and sending Cloverfield off into space to tell any other space monsters that they're real tough guys see and will beat up any baddies that come to Earth. Naturally, this makes Flash horny so he hits on Agoraphobic Lantern which makes her giggle like a schoolgirl. The End.

Superman #2

w: Peter J Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Patrick Gleason & Mick Gray

80s Superman is showing his boy how to do the family job when, and this happens to me every day I swear, a giant octopus-like creature appears and tries to eat a nearby nuclear submarine. I don't know about you, but I've just about had enough of these kitchen sink dramas. I want to have my imagination exercised and taken to new limits, not just more of the day-to-day grind. Give me heroism and derring-do, dammit!

80s Superman and Boy Superman team up to shine a laser pointer in its eye which makes it swim away, then Boy Superman admits setting fire to the family cat. 80s Superman says he should tell Lois to make her proud so she must have either really hated the cat or be a big fan of pet torture. Back on the farm Boy Superman falls out of a tree because a girl tries to hold his hand and ends up unconscious despite being Super. Her dad brings him to 80s Superman who gets weirdly aggressive about it before deciding to fly him to the Fortress of Solitude because that's where the first aid kit is. But OH NOES Magical Sparkly Superman (who may be called ERADICATOR if the next issue strapping is any indication) has appeared out of nowhere to "save" Johnsiverse Superman. Either he's got a different definition of "save" to the rest of us or he knows something we don't. This is already 10x more convoluted than it needs to be and I can't help thinking it's going to get worse before it gets better.

suffeeciant attreebution (aldo), Saturday, 9 July 2016 16:04 (seven years ago) link

"Does that help us work out who it secretly is?"

Just read Batman #2. I thought at first it might be bringing the New52 versions of Geo-Force and Terra but it probably is some other world Kryptonians. Ultraman is the name of the 'evil' Superman I do believe.

Just reading the mini-series by Paul Dini a couple weeks back, Hugo Strange was the big bad behind the whole Arkham City video game etc., I got a feeling they might be echoing a bit of that storyline here. Curious to see how the Waller angle plays in, but Suicide Squad should have been 'editorially' along side the other Bat books considering how much of the characters are Batman Rogues.

As for the Superman reboot, I don't think it is at all about making it ready for new readers at all as much as picking up and tying back in the old New Earth comics back into the long game to chill out and hopefully bring back old readers. Its pretty much being setup as a sequel to the Death of Superman (with a new 3 mystery Superman) in Action and this storyline With Chris Kent is an altered sequel to what Geoff Johns was doing on the Superbooks a few years back before it got all New Krypton (which I hated and dumped the titles around then).

earlnash, Saturday, 9 July 2016 17:23 (seven years ago) link


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