Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

Mahnke's Johnsiverse work was appalling.

Having them in my 'to read' pile I can't answer for definite but I'm 99% certain none of them follow up the end of DCU Rebirth #1 Special in the slightest.

http://i.imgur.com/BQTTTsf.png

by my count there's 260 words in these panels and none of them are interesting, informative, witty or even comprehensible without the context of however many back issues of superman I'd have to wade through to work out why there are two supermen and one of them is steroidal will riker

the cat has a power ring on its tail

waht

how did i miss out out on this startling development in the dcu

i feel like it says something profound about the cultural milieu of the 90s and the 10s that returned-from-'death', black-suited superman sported a mullet then and now has a beard and both are used to denote that he has been profoundly changed

brb gonna write a thinkpiece on the man of steel and men's grooming

The cat (Dex-Starr or something?) has been around for at least like six or seven years at this point, TBF.

jesus christ dex-starr's origin story is one of the most harrowing things i've ever read

animal abuse + rage-fuelled cosmic powers = comics aren't just for kids anymore!

I've often worried about Geoff Johns. Some of the stuff he writes is like seeing a kid who's constantly drawing pictures of his house on fire and his family dead on the lawn. I hope he's okay.

xp (or not) Yeah, don't read Bleez's then.

challenge accepted!

*reads bleez's wiki entry*

oh god no fuck you geoff johns you are genuinely the worst thing to happen to superhero comics in the last 20 years

i feel like it says something profound about the cultural milieu of the 90s and the 10s that returned-from-'death', black-suited superman sported a mullet then and now has a beard and both are used to denote that he has been profoundly changed

Hasn't growing a beard been used as a shorthand for "becoming more serious" in fiction at least since the aforementioned Riker did so in The Next Generation?

Also, IIRC Supes already did that in the early 90s when he executed those Kryptonian mass murderers, and after that went wondering in space because he felt he wasn't fit to be Superman again?

I'd like to find a website that gathers all of the Johns gratuitous violence panels in one place. There is this one but that's just skimming the surface.

I could identify some of the Geoff Johns bits in 52 by people being ripped in half or dismembered.

tuomas, do you want to start the 'superman's grooming: an intensive textual analysis' thread or shall i?

Old Lunch super otm re: kid horror pictures

I mean, I used to draw a lot of gruesome stuff as a kid cuz I loved horror movies and things that were grody, but I'm talking specifically about that kid you ask to draw a picture of mommy and he just goes ham scribbling an indecipherable mass with a black crayon to the point of ripping the paper to shreds while rocking in his seat and humming tunelessly to himself.

a behind-the-scenes peek at geoff johns' creative process

https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-14-2015/bB0ttL.gif

Tuomas, as I explained ^^^^^ this is that same Superman. The actual same one.

Didn't know about Bleez. Is it that hard to create a female superhero/villain without gruesome rape involved?
Still 100% behind Dex-Starr though

It's proven pretty difficult for DC, sure.

Although, to be fair, not all of their female characters' origins involve gruesome rape. Sometimes that's just how they're ultimately dispatched.

Bleez was once a princess on the planet Havania, renowned for her great beauty. Many men sought her hand, but she rejected them all, often in an extremely rude and abrasive manner. Two of her suitors, especially humiliated, sought out a Sinestro Corpsman and tempted him with stories of Bleez's beauty. He went to Havania, where he murdered Bleez's mother and captured Bleez, taking her to Ranx the Sentient City. For some time during the events of the Sinestro Corps War, Bleez was raped and tortured by members of the Sinestro Corps, but managed to escape when Ranx came under attack during the Battle of Mogo. The Sinestro Corpsman who had originally abducted her pursued and caught her, and forced her to kiss him. As she was being pushed to her limits by this final indignity, a red ring found Bleez and inducted her into the Red Lantern Corps. Her blood was transformed into burning plasma, and she vomited it into the Corpsman's throat. Before he could recover, she killed him in a blind fury. Later, she was among the strike force that ambushed the Green Lanterns transporting Sinestro back to Korugar for execution.

oh look the dc universe wiki has a page devoted to comic-book sexual assaults :( http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Sexual_assault

In a vague attempt to provide any kind of context and/or justification, the Red Lantern Corps are formed through RAGE so they all have pretty horrific origin stories.

On the other hand, the person that created them did so knowing they would all by definition have horrible origin stories.

The only justification I can come up with is that Kirkman is worse

Disagree! But I have a weakness for Bendis-y talk talk.

They can both be terrible, but Kirkman doesn't have control over a whole company's universe (except in the obliquest way as Image's COO).

seemed like refried horseshit to me, but what do i know.
http://io9.gizmodo.com/green-arrow-might-be-the-biggest-surprise-of-dcs-rebirt-1780887777

Tuomas, as I explained ^^^^^ this is that same Superman. The actual same one

But isn't that Superman the post-CoIE version, the one who existed from the Byrne reboot up until Flashpoint? So basically what they'd done is kill the Nu 52 Superman and bring back the regular version?

exactly

Yes. Plus that Lois. And their son, Jonathan.

Johns has written individual comics I have liked and Kirkman hasn't. But yeah, unlike Johns, I guess Kirkman doesn't drag everyone else down with him.

Beardy Superman is really the post-Smallville, post-Infinite Crisis Superman, with younger (dead?) parents rather than the Byrne version with ol' ma and pa.

I thought he was the Adventures Of Superman Superman? He was in Convergence at least.

Kirkman is actually good example, because Invincible kinda presages the tonal shift in DC comics after Johns and his followers took control: that odd combination of Silver Age pastiche interspersed with bursts of gore and violence they could never have done back in the days when the readers were mostly kids. But IMO this is more forgivable in Invincible since it's an original creation, and that tone was there right from the start, so it's not like Kirkman was derailing beloved cultural icons or anything.

otm - at least kirkman was shitting in a sandbox of his own creation

OMG, people mired in comics lore ITT can't figure out which Superman they're discussing. Congratulations, DC!

http://www.newsarama.com/29635-mystery-of-a-second-new-clark-kent-key-to-action-comics-rebirth-run.html

Actually this makes it even more confusing

He's not from the same place as Wally West in Rebirth, so he's from... where?

Johns and Didio's asses?

If they don't care about a coherent continuity, they really should just ditch it altogether. Clear the slate every issue or three.

given the ever-increasing rate of dc reboots from crisis to the present we're probably only a year or two away from continuity being reset from panel to panel

Maybe I'm getting old and soft but I actually am kind of interested in reading adventures of Lois & Clark & Son. Also Chinese Super-Man ofc

I like gene luen yang and have some hope for that book.

I mean, pvmic, but having hope in any DC book in C21 is being on a hiding to nothing

I thought he was the Adventures Of Superman Superman? He was in Convergence at least.

there are (searches quickly) over 700 issues of Adventures Of Superman, did he really stay the exact same version in that title forever? not a pedantozing, but this is prima facie a bemusing distinction

I always associate AoS as an 80s book, ignore me.

Batman Rebirth w: Tom King & Scott Snyder a: Mikel Janin

It's been Mikel Janin's GRITTY cover on the posters but Howard Porter's variant is the highlight of Rebirth so far. Liefeld Groin but with 250% more Batgroin. The costume not only gives no support, but Bats will need to be careful not to knee himself in the cock next time he's in a FITE.

The issue itself sees someone knew turn up to confuse Alfred before the first of many Calendar Man/spores/DYS plot hints is thrown away. We then jump to a quick background catchup advancement - Bruce is back in charge on Wayne Enterprises - before physics CRUMBLES BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE BAT. Bruce is falling from a pipe but manages to get leverage OFF THIN AIR and jumps back up OFF NOTHING to grab hold again.
Surprise guest and Bats have a conversation about how he isn't going to be Robin because Bruce would rather dress him like a hornet. There are more musings on regeneration including Calendar Man climbing out of his skin and Bats holding his breath as if he's got lungs like Captain America Profile Pic. I thought it was Joker that had some jellyfish DNA? Alfred FEEDS THE BATS, TUPPENCE A BAG with the makings of guacamole. Maybe if they plant the stone they can grow a plant. Regeneration and Renewal. DO YOU SEE?

I liked this, but it feels like Snyder and King were just setting up for their respective Batseries. And it could have been published any time i.e. no apparent Rebirth content.

Green Arrow Rebirth w: Benjamin Percy a: Otto Schmidt

Whereas this is a book which couldn't have happened outside of a reboot.

Dinah is the Johnsiverse Black Canary, only not the time travelling one, whereas Ollie is the Kevin Smith one maybe? Except he is SO close to giving us The Finger (and Dinah even refers to his Denny O'Neil character) it must happen eventually. And there's a reference to Roy Harper, Super Junkie which bearing in mind Ollie appears to be about 30 is going to be confusing in this continuity.

This is an abduction storyline to show Ollie CARES, MAN. Seattle has Morlocks that are selling people to california for nefarious purposes NO DOUBT and the dynamic duo sort of break it up (but not enough for it not to feature in forthcoming issues). Then we get to the real meat of the issue. Ollie and Dinah clearly have The Horn for each other but unless you've read Rebirth #1 and some of the supplementary material you wouldn't actually realise this is supposed to be An Thing and linked to the lost time. So they save the kid (because there's always a kid) and his mum and then go on the roof to make out. OR DO THEY?

No Rebirth plot in here either.

Green Lanterns Rebirth w: Geoff Johns & Sam Humphries a: Ethan van Sciver & Ed Benes

In space a Guardian (hang on, they all died in the Johnsiverse) is fleeing thousands of Dominators (who I thought got wiped out in a different chapter of Geoff Johns Action Figure Funtime, was maybe the reason John Stewart was in Guardian Jail) through space while a narrator (who turns out to be Atrocitous, but could possibly have been Doctor Manhattan if, you know, DC actually wanted to use the Rebirth plot at all) explains what's happening for people who have never read any GL. Which might as well be all of us, let's face it.

Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz are introduced for those of us who have never read any Johnsiverse GL. Which might as well be all of us, let's face it. Hal gives them a crap training mission which they fail, and he tells them they'd better work out how to improve because he's going to be too busy looking up Wonder Woman's skirt, then buggers off to do that.

But OH NOES. ATROCITOUS AND BLEEZ AND DEXSTARR. And a requirement to know what Blackest Night and Brightest Day were. Bang goes your chance to ditch continuity baggage, but then Johns can't bring himself to throw anything away.

Rebirth content: zero.

Superman Rebirth w: Peter Tomasi & Patrick Gleason a: Doug Mahnke & Jaime Mendoza

80s Superman recaps what happened to Johnsiverse Superman AGAIN then climbs into the tomb where he finds Lana breaking in. You didn't know that she was kind of like Danger Girl by the end of the Johnsiverse, did you? A kind of sexy archaeologist spy, but ginger. Anyway, they talk interminably including recapping The Death of Superman and how if he came back like Jesus then the Johnsiverse one is bound to as well. Then attempting to resolve continuity conflicts makes him realise that's not going to happen so he buries him.

All told, this is pretty awful and pointless. If you've read the Superman continuity since Convergence then it doesn't tell you anything you don't know from reading them, and if you haven't then it doesn't do anything other than tell you that 80s Superman is now Superman. And no Rebirth content except a gentle hint that not everything is as it should be.

Definitely some mixed messaging about whether this is actually for new readers or not...

I actually read the entirety of Blackest Night and I remember fuck all about it except that I didn't like it at all. So, yeah, good on DC for handcuffing their newest reboot to that convoluted, 6- or 7-year-old pile of trash.

kinda liked the tom king batman #1 (not batman rebirth #1 which was bad as noted)

i feel like we had more or less the same read there aldo.
I just read wonder woman / aquaman / flash; anybody want hot takes on mostly cold garbage?