Depression and what it's really like

CBT has definitely taught me ways to minimize the impact of my depression, i have learned (mainly by myself tbf) coping strategies that stop me responding to myself in ways that are disastrous to my day to day living. on a surface level i've never been more emotionally together.

thing is, i don't think it's done a thing to address the underlying despair and emptiness. and i don't even know any more if it's meaningful to distinguish between me as a functioning social unit and me calmly reminding myself every week that it's not ok to kill myself because of the hurt it would cause other people.

i'm feeling especially bad about some stuff right now and decided to put off cleaning, which i really need to do, until tomorrow. then i remembered the electric company has an 8 hour planned outage tomorrow starting at 8 a.m. now i feel like i don't even deserve to live in a house. how am i going to be depressed and procrastinate without the internet.

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
- Quentin Crisp

i don't even know any more if it's meaningful to distinguish between me as a functioning social unit and me calmly reminding myself every week that it's not ok to kill myself because of the hurt it would cause other people.

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, June 2, 2016 11:04 PM (2 days ago)

my condolences, as i know the (awful awful) feeling. for me, those urges have dimmed over time. even at my worst, i no longer fantasize about suicide. i'm painfully aware of my own worthlessness, but i'm also weirdly at peace with it. and quentin crisp otm.

i've always loved that Quentin Crisp quote, but external pressures still guilt me out all the time about the squalor i imagine i'm living in - why can't i piss my free time away cleaning instead of just doing sort of nothing?

i'm not even moaning here, i am at some kind of peace, or the difference between a great fjord of a rut of apathy and peace have come to look the same, i dunno. just calmly, detachedly sketching the walls of the cell.

Housework is one of those things where it is very easy to fall into the cumulative sense of 'badness' that depressives are very vulnerable too. You put it off, then it starts to seem insurmountable, and keeps getting worse etc. Just remember that, on the whole, cleaning takes a lot less time than you think it will.

that is very otm. i love when things are clean and i'm good at cleaning. but i have such brain fatigue. and no one ever comes over. and i never want to have anyone over because i'm tired and my house is a mess. so why clean. the power's back on already, maybe temporarily because they're still out there. but now i have no excuse!

i have to pull up weeds out front too. this place looks like grey gardens.

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/t31.0-8/13340199_1095574420484422_4212767675039046360_o.jpg
cries

i did some cleaning after my moan this morning, this thread works!

Huge <3 to yis all

i made some garden improvements and potted a mint plant

high fives all round

xp - wish i had a mint plant. congrats on your mint plant!

i cleaned the bathroom! seriously tho, my house is my biggest source of anxiety right now, it's so cluttered and messy. i read that marie kondo book and it's totally amazing... i just havent actually started the process of throwing everything away yet.

oh yeah so since i moved into my house, which is tiny but has two bedrooms, i had just kept the second bedroom as a do-not-enter/clutter room. couple weeks ago i was like i haven't touched this stuff in 2.5 years so i'm throwing it all out. it was like a weight was lifted off me. now i look in it and i don't feel anxious. i'm even going to paint it soon. i don't have hoarder tendencies at all it's just an accumulation of depressed laziness. so much better without all that crap. if only i could afford a bed to put in it.

'depressed laziness' is a good description of all the shit i need to get rid of

harbl :)

I'm in something of a dilemma now. Been offered a course of CBT treatment by the NHS and said yes. Problem is, I work a job with very irregular hours that it is going to clash with due to the sessions taking place at fixed fortnightly times. I am loathe to tell work about it, so I am contemplating cancelling it and going private instead. I would gladly quit my job anyway for unrelated reasons but I don't have another one lined up so that would probably be foolish. It would be a pity to have to go private and pay a lot of money for treatment instead but maybe that's what I'll have to do. Curious to hear what other people have done in similar situations.

Has anyone else had experience dealing with other peoples depression and anxiety?

I love my girlfriend but she breaks down at the idea of going to a doctor or looking into meds to deal and she bottles stuff up to the point of hitting crazy lows when it came out. I talked about some stuff when it came to our business about a month ago on this thread and since weve put in some stuff to make it better for her. But by eliminating one thing making her anxious, she seems to have spread that anxiety or anger out across her life, 5% feeling worse about her appearance 5% feeling worse about our home 5% more anxious about her mentality disabled brother and shitty mother etc. Etc. Etc.

Today i went to the shop and she stayed at home to sew some new clothes. A couple hours ago she text me she hit het head and it triggered an absolute mess of tears. Shes usually quite reserved but over the phone she sounded like the worst thing ever, and it was just a bump on the head.

I sympathise with her and want to help, I just dont really know how to. I cant really just go on patting her on the back and stiff upper lip telling her itll be ok (which is what she wants me to do, she likes pretending its not a big deal). Idk. I think tonight i might try and talk to her about seeing a doc again, it really helped me a couple years back.

It sounds like she has a really hard time of things and I think that in these situations, continued support is the best thing. Try talking to her as much as she's willing about the origins of her upset and what's going through her mind. What might seem like 'just a bump on the head' to some people could feel to others like a malevolent universe out to get them. With all these other anxieties and difficulties in her life, it is likely the pain will transfer to other, seemingly more benign things.

A doctor is a good idea to a certain extent, but making sure she has someone to assist with the underlying issues is definitely important as well. I'm not sure where you are, but it's also worth looking into hospital-based mental health outreach teams - I've seen a number of 'friends and family of people with depression'-type help groups. That could be useful too.

Cheers.

From talking to her since her breakdown today, (mostly chatted work but a bit about this), and thinking about it, i think one thing we are really gonna chat about is applying what we did with work to much more of her life. She didnt like working the retail side? We hired a part time staff member and just eliminated that issue. Have a problem with this? Lets actually talk about a solution. It might not work with a lot of easy things like family stress or her body issues but if there are things we can identify and sort, lets priotise it. Hopefully knocking a few more things off her list of anxieties can actually reduce stress, and show progress.

One part i dont like to think about is the fact that we went through a period where i was a terrible bf making lots of mistakes and starting arguments etc and we nearly broke up. About 4 months ago we kinda had a come to jesus moment and ive tried to be much better and learn from my mistakes. Crazily i feel this hasnt helped her, as if shouting at me was almost a form of stress relief or a way to ignore her issues to focus on ways i was doing something wrong. It seems absurd but i feel like i really want to buy her a punch bag or something, i feel like she has repressed a lot as of our relationship being mended. But then i feel rubbish and selfish for thinking this, as its only a percentage of whats many deep rooted issues coming together.

See if a doctor will refer her for gym membership at the relevant local authority gym. A few endorphins won't go amiss, and after a month of rowing machines and cardio, the physical stuff might worry her less. Good luck!

as if shouting at me was almost a form of stress relief or a way to ignore her issues to focus on ways i was doing something wrong

sounds familiar ... as in, I have done this to partners in the past. It sounds like the root issue is "control" ... idk.

Oh there are def control issues. We basically started a biz together cos we could never work for anyone anymore, her parenting has been 100% shit all her life etc. It all adds up.

We didnt talk about it tonight and just had fun with a few beers. After working myself up to have the chat, once i got back the situation screamed that more than anything, she just needed to forget about it for a while. I think i made the right choice but i know regardless of this im just delaying a terrible conversation thats going to have to happen in the very near future. Its very tough running the line between helping someone, persuing someones qualities and having to persuade them to look elsewhere to sort out their faults. Whether it be a doctor or meds or personal growth or whatever the fuck it is, i can only be so supportive and not be able to have a solution but ive got to help her come to it and help her through it to stem the tide of misery.

Depression fucking sucks, why dont we all have nice brains and no stresses in life?*

*even im rolling my eyes at this statement.

If someone bought me a punchbag I would absolutely use it. Maybe there's something in that idea! And yeah, the displacement of personal anxieties into whoever is closest is an unfortunate side effect of depressive mood. The improvements you've made probably did help her a lot, but with so many different problems at play, you're probably not seeing the results you hoped for. Talking and listening to everything, and definitely therapy could really help start unpicking some of those deep-seated issues.

Oops, xpost. Beer is a good solution.

i feel like she has repressed a lot as of our relationship being mended. But then i feel rubbish and selfish for thinking this, as its only a percentage of whats many deep rooted issues coming together.

don't feel rubbish for thinking this. it sounds like she is uncomfortable admitting her problems because she thinks they are shameful. i think she needs to take responsibility for herself, unfortunately, because she is going to make you miserable very soon. i, um, have a friend, who did this in a relationship before.

i also have a friend who did this in a relationship before.

Ty guys

this sounds really hard btw and i wish you clarity and courage.

Cheers. I feel like noone ever talks about *someone elses* depression. Its always such a lonely place to be in. She doesnt give a shit how I use the internet, I've never used her name etc. so I think i'm cool but I also don't want to betray her trust. Chatting here seems like a much safer place than with friends or family who are much more connected. I love her and find her incredible. So many of her issues though go much further back before I knew her though, and its tough and its stressful and yeah, the search for clarity is essential right now. Sometimes I wish it was like that shitty mel gibson movie where I could read her mind and help but also how was that not a horror movie? What the fuck is going on in her brain?*

*All of tonight makes it seem like I have a crazy girlfriend, which I don't. I don't like that I don't know a more specific way to think or write, especially having had a couple beers. She is everything you would want a partner to be and I'm very lucky. Its the anxiety, stress and deep lying issues that fuel this, not her. On ilx is not exactly where you need to say this, I think everyone knows already, but for my own sanity its worth saying.

well, she is crazy, but so are we

you are kind & you care for her but in doing so you're inadvertedly reinforcing the cycle she's creating for herself, and you're also becoming the focus when she vents her anxiety, beyond normal levels of comforting and neither of you deserve that.

the toll it takes on you is not your price to pay for your relationship. her punishing herself by bottling up & being ashsmed of her depression is not a price she should pay either.

care for her by not just listening and supporting *to a point*, but by pointing her outwards, towards someone other than you, and break the feedback loop you're both in.

you may tell yourself it's not all the time, that she might get better, but without actual help the odds of her getting worse rather than better are high.

otmfm

i can't really speak to it, but being a crazy person myself i really do appreciate how much my so does for me, and i wish i could express it better than i do/not seem to take it for granted so much of the time.

well, she is crazy, but so are we

― assawoman bay (harbl), Friday, June 10, 2016 4:12 PM (Yesterday)

<3 harbl, i still feel bad that i was bitchy to you in some thread like 5 years ago about women and shopping or something ...

i think she needs to take responsibility for herself, unfortunately, because she is going to make you miserable very soon.

yeah, what you are talking about is sounding kinda unhealthy, in terms of the relationship dynamic. Granted, I suck at relationships and have decided I'm better off not being in one for the time being, but it makes me squeamish and uncomfortable when I see young couples (young = people under 50) where one partner makes all the emotional demands and the other is constantly supplicating and taking it. This could just be a "me thing" ... idk.

i wish you both well, of course

lol i've long forgotten about whatever you're talking about

feeling p weird in the last few months. i did like a year of counselling, and it was going nowhere eventually so i stopped. for a while i seemed fine, like basically happy i guess. but i've started to feel really untrusting of my own mind, if that makes sense. i assess my overall mood at a moment when i'm feeling good (i tend to swing up and down a bit) and then i tell myself that assessment is accurate. it's like my own feelings are kind of hiding from me, and then sometimes i have what feels like a more real feeling, like a chance to more darkly and honestly look at some of the irresolvable problems, my chronic health issues, the issues it causes for me, the subsequent isolation, fear of health worsening and mental health worsening, and both being out of my control.

tonight i can't sleep and couldn't really do anything positive like writing or reading. i ended up trying to write and then was just sitting at my desk shaking and sobbing, which is p weird and scary, and adds to my feeling that i am heading in some direction i don't know about or understand.

and yet tomorrow i could wake up and the sun will be shining and i'll go to work happy, go out after, i go on holidays with my parents this weekend, and it'll be buried for a while. feel like i am hanging on by a thread, with some material stuff and job and things making it incredibly easy to distract myself and meaning i am fortunate enough not to have some of the day-to-day problems which really hurt people.

just bringing it up itt cos i don't really have anyone i can talk to about it, my family just doesn't discuss problems like this, my mother is massively depressed and my dad is sort of affected by dealing with that. i speak to friends but prob my best friend that i'd discuss it with is in as bad a way as i am.

i have done so many of the things that people are supposed to do to help to feel better, i have like done a lot of creative things, i've fought hard to keep exercising even as my health gets worse, walking to work etc, and these things do help, but ultimately nothing fully helps. i can't escape the same loneliness and isolation which i end up reclaiming as a means of dealing with the fact that having a random chronic illness that stops me living the life i want to live is lonely and isolating.

<3

You are really fucking good at the writing.

I don't know how or if any of us come to peace with what we are - feel like negotiation is forever. But our self-perception is only one version - other people probably esteem us all very differently.

Writing out this description of what you are feeling seems important. The only thought I have is to don't discount how you are feeling tomorrow if the sun is shining and you go on holiday. Distraction isn't a negative thing. Those moments when you are distracted are a valid as the other ones.

<3 LG

FWIW, I'm around the corner should you feel like having a civilised lunch some time.

<3 Ronan, keep ya head up.

Chin up LG <3

thanks everyone. it is true that writing it out was useful, i feel a bit better today, i'm just kind of scared by the increasing violence of the swings. i prob need to go back to counselling, but finding a good counsellor ends up like a problem in itself. sometimes during counselling i've felt more sorry for myself and then had a few months without it where talking about nothing seemed to be a good way to live. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

best wishes ronan. i was reading henry winter's '50 years of hurt' book in the shop today (weeping lion emblem on the cover no less) and a couple of paragraphs in i was chuckling to myself wondering what you or nakh would make of it and how your version of winter's 'style' would read..

Distraction isn't a negative thing. Those moments when you are distracted are a valid as the other ones.

― Zachary Taylor, Wednesday, June 15, 2016 12:14 AM (12 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

So so so true. The lows aren't more "authentic" than the highs; happiness, pleasure, enjoyment--are non-trivial. The long dark night of the soul at 3am is horrible but it's not more deeply you than the 2pm version at a cafe in the sunshine.

yeah for sure, i know that. if anything it's that i've been too good at floating off into disconnected joy from moment to moment. that prob sounds silly, but the increase of one has led to the worsening of the darker moments. and just general detachment.