Depression and what it's really like

Someone just, i shit you not, just offered her £10 and some travel toothpaste for a £25 shirt. I swear people have got more obnoxious just to fuck with her. Like they can smell blood. Toothpaste is a definite new low, usually people just pay on debit cards or in cash.

(Btw we are actually doing quite well and, other than struggling with debts from previous times, taking a handsome wage each. Sometimes when i complain about money i feel i have to qualify it with this. Its more of an issue that we generally have no control of when its a golden day or someone breaks their toe and 8 policemen essentially block the front door)

(And day to day financial instability sucks even if its generally well worth it overall).

Fucking toothpaste for a tommy hilfiger shirt.

Thoughts Sam.

that sounds shit obviously but seems like you have been doing impressively well in general so ✓

Cheers guys. Yeah idk i feel ive just been using this thread to vent. All of our friends or whatever are pretty linked, in fact my biggest issue in life is just needing somewhere to let it out. Overall life is well better than any time in the past 2 or 3 years.

Yea but that doesn't mean you won't have a legit downward spell every now and then. Vent away!

many beers later update- we've posted a gumtree ad to try and find someone to work for us. in fact if you know anyone trustworthy looking for a part time gig/flexible gig in shoreditch, giz a private message. its been a stressful weekend, we made much less money than usual, but im alive, alls healthy and well and good and we just need someone who can help in retail to take the pressure off.

do schedules and lists of tasks help her, sam?

i was just thinking about maybe making a list of all the separate tasks/parts of your business and divvying them up according to what works best for each of you individually and as a couple, then maybe work out a daily schedule of those tasks, then you have demarcated work time and personal time. does structure help her manage her anxiety?

I've been offers a flat now, which is great. It's where I want to be too. It's been a hard year so far, homelessness and difficulty accessing help, but things seem to be looking up. So why am I convinced it's going to go wrong? Why am I superstitious about this? I mean, I know. I'm just not sure the people trying to help know.

It's been months of isolation and suicidal urges - once self harm, for the first time in years. I just got a letter from my psychiatrist referring me to another psych who works in a place I lived in three flats ago.

But I'm hoping this will be a base on which I can rebuild my life - I've lost more than a decade in and out of hospitals, and when things seemed to be levelling out I was made homeless. Moving, however, is really hard for me - a side effect of growing up in the military. But maybe this will be my last move.

sounds like you're on the up and up; here's hoping it continues

Yeah, all good wishes. So much of our mental health deeply tied in to material realities.

dowd, it sounds like things are at least getting to settling down. It also sounds like you are needing some stability, which seems to be right around the corner. Stay strong and hang in there. Thinking good thoughts for you.

As for myself, as part of my post-hospitalization plan, I was directed to an employment specialist at Orange County Goodwill to assist me in finding a job. He saw my resume —which has a lot of retail and some management work experience— and suggested I apply at a Goodwill retail location that had just cleaned house and was in need of fresh people for upper staff and management. I figured what the hell, nothing to lose. Applied for a Lead Sales Associate position and was offered one better with an Assistant Store Manager position. I, of course, took it. It's been quite a change, readjusting from being used to a school work setting back to a retail environment, but I had forgotten how fun retail can be. Especially at a Goodwill store, you meet all kinds of weird (in a good way) and quirky people. And there's also just a good attitude in the atmosphere that has certainly rubbed off on me over the past couple of weeks. There's a vibe of reconstruction and establishing a new rapport there that is definitely infectious. I actually look forward to my work days just as much as I do my days off, which hasn't been the case for me since I worked at Tower Records a decade ago. So, yeah: positive changes.

good to hear, both of yous

likewise Austin, hope you keep feeling positive

good luck dowd and austin. happy to hear good things from yall.

I might be able to get my dog back too - he's staying with my mum atm. Don't know what the situation is it's let's in the new place, though. Finally got a psychiatric referral today, for a flat I was in three flats ago, as I'm about to move back to my old psychs turf. Sigh.

Unfortunately the new flat is very close to my day, who was an abusive alcoholic, but is now just irritating and emotionally manipulative. A couple of strokes has slowed him down a bit. He's bipolar like me, so I should maybe cut him some slack. We didn't talk for about 5 years, and had settled into a manageable 3-4 meetings a year. This might upset that balance a bit.

Ugh, I know that feeling dowd. It's just that looming black cloud feeling. Best to establish firm boundaries — even though I know that's much easier said than done.

I actually thought about you earlier today when a co-worker was telling me how much she loved her dog. She doesn't seem like the type to be very socially active outside of work, so she had a lot of passion and genuine feelings in her voice as she talked about her dog. It reminded me of how much you said you missed your friend.

i'm thinking about tapering off my meds (yes i will talk to my dr first).

i'm taking celexa/citalopram for anxiety and welbutrin/bupropion for depression but the last couple of months or more my emotions and moods have been all over the place, and i've been having way too much anxiety. i feel about as bad as i did before i started on meds 2.5 yrs ago, so i don't think there's much point in continuing on with them. my dr has seemed resistant to trying different meds in the past, so i feel like she's not gonna offer me any other options. sleep is still a huge issue, but i've also run out of options there.

If yr doctor isn't willing to try different meds/combos for some reason you should find a different doctor. But if you don't like the baseline you're at with current meds then tapering off to see where you're at seems like a reasonable plan, just have those follow-ups on the calendar in advance.

I emailed her so I'll see what she comes back at me with - but yeah, I would like to see if I feel any worse once I'm off these meds.

Speaking for myself, I was in a really bad place six months ago when I was going through issues with having problems just getting my meds, so I decided to just stop without even consulting with a doc. Granted, that was a bad/misguided decision. But it led to an even darker place and was not a solution at all.

After all I've been through, I still don't want to be on any meds. But I have the hindsight now to realize that, even though I still have shitty days, I am more stable on the meds. It's a nice thought to aspire to be off meds entirely, but at this point, I just don't think it's realistic. Yes, they did change my meds in the hospital, so that has definitely made a difference.

I understand that want to not being on anything, though. It's made me wonder at times just how much of my personality is contained within some pills. As much as I let it contain, I suppose.

oh, i'd be more than happy to stay on meds if they were actually doing anything!! i am definitely a give-me-all-the-pills kind of person. but they're not working. i've been having terrible, day-long anxiety attacks, crying jags, OTT reactions to minor things, feeling completely overwhelmed + defeated by life, etc. all the fun stuff. this is how i felt before i started taking meds. i'm still waiting to hear from my dr, maybe she'll want me to try something else, or up my dosages, idk. but this current regimen is not working for me.

i've felt depressed for a majority of the time i've been on meds, but it's been a very mild kind of numb, detached depression that was totally manageable. but it's morphed back into the really painful depression, which is not so easy to function with. i'm skipping tons of work (luckily for me, i can get away with it), and just not doing great.

been on meds now for 20 years, wondering if they have stopped working or if something else would be better, but kind of terrified of what might happen coming off them

guess i'm starting zoloft tomorrow.

Good luck.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

no shame in asking for sleeping pills if you need'em too imo, or whatever sleep help you need; extended periods of shitty sleep always mea depression for me no matter what
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/09/upshot/the-evidence-points-to-a-better-way-to-fight-insomnia.html

love patton oswalt's bit on going off his antidepressants

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZqrHw7YV3Q

btw I am sorry you are feeling depressed & I hope it is brief

i already take gabapentin, klonopin and weed for sleep (the klonopin only occasionally), and i've tried a couple of other sleep meds that didn't work out.

i just talked to a friend of mine who takes zoloft and she's had a great experience on it so that was nice to hear. i'm a little nervous about potential nausea/cramps side effects, though.

i quit taking meds* and seeing my therapist a few months back. sick of feeling fuzzy & trudging the same stupid circles month after month, year after year. have no faith either in therapy or in my own ability to give shits sufficient to effect change. resigned therefore to the ~experience~ of depression, which i supposed i've managed fine for half a century ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

* escitalopram & bupropion

zoloft worked really well for me. it was kind of like a kick start to the part of my brain that regulates motivation. i felt "driven" for the first time in ages.

starting to think it's wearing off at this point, though. :/

xp - how's that working out for you? (not meant sarcastically)

not sure, good days and bad. at the moment, i feel like complete shit, but i figure i can wait it out.

xp i was gonna ask you if it was still working for you - i was looking through this thread and the meds one for ppl who have been on zoloft and saw a few of your posts about. i could really use the motivation, so i hope it helps me like that, too!

Hope it works out for you! It also makes falling asleep easier for me. No more lying awake soaking in dread and despair

Well not nearly as much anyway

do you take it at night or morning? dr told me to take in the a.m. but pharmacist said to watch out for drowsiness and switch to taking at dinner time if it made me sleepy. it's hard for me to tell because i'm always tired anyway!

i take it nighttime but have taken it during the day in the past

i know before bed is often the ideal time for smoking weed but really it is not good for your sleep. HOWEVER, since you are already depressed i would not recommend changing your weed smoking habits unless they are actively stressing you out.

weed totally helps me relax at night! i was totally fucked when i went to nz for 2 weeks and had no weed. i barely slept the entire time. my sleeping meds don't work well enough on their own.

nb i buy medical marijuana, not street weed

does anyone here find they generally feel worse after speaking to therapists?

i saw a new one recently -- he came recommended by my psychiatrist who i think is great -- and i just left feeling pissed off. at one point he insisted that i lower my expectations for myself or something -- part of being realistic and compassionate -- and i resisted, saying that i had done a lot of work since college trying to hold myself accountable. he said "how is that working out for you?" in a way that sounded sarcastic and i very nearly punched him in the face.

i know what he meant -- it's true that, recently, after quitting my job, i have been a bit self-critical in a way that isn't helpful -- but still, i thought it was a shitty way to make his point. he talked as if i was at rock bottom and had no useful coping mechanisms, which is not the case. i get pretty embarrassed talking about this stuff, but five years ago i had a depressive crisis that i would now describe as life threatening. with medication and also just like, taking things slower, i have improved tremendously, to the point where over the past few years i was able to earn a masters degree, hold jobs, and maintain a relationship that -- while it ended recently -- was never toxic. i felt like the therapist, by taking such a high and mighty tone, devalued all of this progress. in general, therapists rarely seem responsive. they either assume you are messed up and untrustworthy or that you don't have any real problems and, despite what you are telling them, are actually fine.

i just have never had a truly good experience with a therapist and i've seen a few.

my psychiatrist is very objective about stuff. he describes the mechanisms of the drugs he prescribes and sometimes offers common sense wisdom about habits/lifestyle changes like exercise and cutting back on drinking that can be beneficial. maybe i am just resistant to someone trying to go deeper than that.

at one point it felt like this guy was trying to convert me to zen buddhism

i think the buddhist tradition has a lot of wisdom to offer btw, but it's not really how i see the world. this therapist was "pushing" a total overhaul of how i navigated the everyday.

That's too bad, Treesh—

I was seeing a really great guy for therapy before I started this job recently and it threw my whole schedule into a blender. He was very empathetic and a great listener, but also never shied away from making (not always nice or kind) suggestions or just cutting to the chase. A very nice balance of being genuinely helpful and gentle, but not a pushover either. I never left a session feeling frustrated or unfulfilled.

Back in Reno, I had a therapist who I genuinely believe meant well and did not have any negative judgements about me. But she was definitely more interested in pushing an agenda with each session than really listening to what I had to offer. I often left sessions feeling a bit discouraged and just not very good; kind of like, "What the hell did I just spend an hour doing?" So, I know how frustrating that can be.

Sometimes I wonder —after hearing so many horror stories— if there aren't more bad therapists than good ones out there. Makes me very disappointed to hear another such story.