Depression and what it's really like

because I need something,a challenge to focus on that will distract me from me. and this is it.

yeah, I do better when I have things like that. when the distraction ends, I fall apart for a while

Weekly bullshit update:

So we hired someone! It meant that it would take the stress off a little and give us opportunity to do other things. Most importantly it would mean my first day off trading (we are selling thurs-sun) in 11 months! Hooray! I fucking needed it.

Except after a second weekend of covering for my missus, came my day... and she was so full of anxiety she couldnt leave the house. And then when i got to work, the girl i hired started crying over problems she wouldnt tell me about and ran out. Not that it fucking matters, cos their is a tech recruitment fair using our entrance and we are empty so id be making no money anyway.

Its taking its toll. My gf is going through some weird thing that as our lives have dramatically improved, shes got really anxious and guilty about it and almost self sabotaging. And although it seems like we are getting better, shit like this just piles up. And the only course of action ive really got is to breathe heavily, remember the things i like that are going on and brush myself off. Oh and get fucking blind drunk when doors closed.

Àaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh

just had my dad put the phone down on me cos i told him i wasn't happy with his relentless moaning and conspiracy bullshit but hey i'm only flesh and blood

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 20 years and you know what? I don't feel depressed about that at all!

So now my gf has decided she just doesnt want to do this anymore, which leaves us fucked. Oh and any money i thought i make today, has been ruined by a fucking police blockade. 8 policemen cut off brick lane cos a woman broke her toe.

Nothing going on is because of me. Like the girl yesterday ran out because her stepdad got prostrate cancer and she had a panic attack and ive not been able to reach her since. The gf doesnt want to do it cos she hates customers and some people around us and they stress her out. Now i have tech fairs and broken toes meaning im having a shitter than shit week despite working harder than ever and investing loads of money into have my spaces be the best stocked they ever have?

I try more and i try and help people more and etc etc etc and it just leads to MORE money worries and more people being stressed? Fucking going home to read the book of job. Like wtf a broken toe gets 8 police officers.

Oh man. that sounds like a shitstorm of stress and bad luck. i'm sorry to hear about that. if the gf doesn't do it anymore, does that have you running the ship 24/7 w/ business?

Basically i just have to get through today and find out where she stands.

To throw in some context we started a vintage clothes biz 2 years ago and trade on brick lane and online. Its pretty much tied into the fabric of our relationship, finances, interests, friendship group etc.

I think the reality will be that if she can divorce herself totally from the retail side and focus on stuff like getting stock and running our online stuff she should be cool. But yeah shes just been getting mega stressed and it only seems to get worse and worse atm to the point where im doing 95% and the stuff i cant do (for example she reworks a lot of items and i cant sew) she cant bring herself to do and its just losing us money not having that stuff, our most popular stuff, out. So even if she decides she wants out im gonna have to figure out how to deal with a missing skillset there too.

I just want a holiday.

hugs dude

Cheers man. And soz about yr dad.

ach he's always the same, i'm just v. short on tolerance and patience at the moment

Someone just, i shit you not, just offered her £10 and some travel toothpaste for a £25 shirt. I swear people have got more obnoxious just to fuck with her. Like they can smell blood. Toothpaste is a definite new low, usually people just pay on debit cards or in cash.

(Btw we are actually doing quite well and, other than struggling with debts from previous times, taking a handsome wage each. Sometimes when i complain about money i feel i have to qualify it with this. Its more of an issue that we generally have no control of when its a golden day or someone breaks their toe and 8 policemen essentially block the front door)

(And day to day financial instability sucks even if its generally well worth it overall).

Fucking toothpaste for a tommy hilfiger shirt.

Thoughts Sam.

that sounds shit obviously but seems like you have been doing impressively well in general so ✓

Cheers guys. Yeah idk i feel ive just been using this thread to vent. All of our friends or whatever are pretty linked, in fact my biggest issue in life is just needing somewhere to let it out. Overall life is well better than any time in the past 2 or 3 years.

Yea but that doesn't mean you won't have a legit downward spell every now and then. Vent away!

many beers later update- we've posted a gumtree ad to try and find someone to work for us. in fact if you know anyone trustworthy looking for a part time gig/flexible gig in shoreditch, giz a private message. its been a stressful weekend, we made much less money than usual, but im alive, alls healthy and well and good and we just need someone who can help in retail to take the pressure off.

do schedules and lists of tasks help her, sam?

i was just thinking about maybe making a list of all the separate tasks/parts of your business and divvying them up according to what works best for each of you individually and as a couple, then maybe work out a daily schedule of those tasks, then you have demarcated work time and personal time. does structure help her manage her anxiety?

I've been offers a flat now, which is great. It's where I want to be too. It's been a hard year so far, homelessness and difficulty accessing help, but things seem to be looking up. So why am I convinced it's going to go wrong? Why am I superstitious about this? I mean, I know. I'm just not sure the people trying to help know.

It's been months of isolation and suicidal urges - once self harm, for the first time in years. I just got a letter from my psychiatrist referring me to another psych who works in a place I lived in three flats ago.

But I'm hoping this will be a base on which I can rebuild my life - I've lost more than a decade in and out of hospitals, and when things seemed to be levelling out I was made homeless. Moving, however, is really hard for me - a side effect of growing up in the military. But maybe this will be my last move.

sounds like you're on the up and up; here's hoping it continues

Yeah, all good wishes. So much of our mental health deeply tied in to material realities.

dowd, it sounds like things are at least getting to settling down. It also sounds like you are needing some stability, which seems to be right around the corner. Stay strong and hang in there. Thinking good thoughts for you.

As for myself, as part of my post-hospitalization plan, I was directed to an employment specialist at Orange County Goodwill to assist me in finding a job. He saw my resume —which has a lot of retail and some management work experience— and suggested I apply at a Goodwill retail location that had just cleaned house and was in need of fresh people for upper staff and management. I figured what the hell, nothing to lose. Applied for a Lead Sales Associate position and was offered one better with an Assistant Store Manager position. I, of course, took it. It's been quite a change, readjusting from being used to a school work setting back to a retail environment, but I had forgotten how fun retail can be. Especially at a Goodwill store, you meet all kinds of weird (in a good way) and quirky people. And there's also just a good attitude in the atmosphere that has certainly rubbed off on me over the past couple of weeks. There's a vibe of reconstruction and establishing a new rapport there that is definitely infectious. I actually look forward to my work days just as much as I do my days off, which hasn't been the case for me since I worked at Tower Records a decade ago. So, yeah: positive changes.

good to hear, both of yous

likewise Austin, hope you keep feeling positive

good luck dowd and austin. happy to hear good things from yall.

I might be able to get my dog back too - he's staying with my mum atm. Don't know what the situation is it's let's in the new place, though. Finally got a psychiatric referral today, for a flat I was in three flats ago, as I'm about to move back to my old psychs turf. Sigh.

Unfortunately the new flat is very close to my day, who was an abusive alcoholic, but is now just irritating and emotionally manipulative. A couple of strokes has slowed him down a bit. He's bipolar like me, so I should maybe cut him some slack. We didn't talk for about 5 years, and had settled into a manageable 3-4 meetings a year. This might upset that balance a bit.

Ugh, I know that feeling dowd. It's just that looming black cloud feeling. Best to establish firm boundaries — even though I know that's much easier said than done.

I actually thought about you earlier today when a co-worker was telling me how much she loved her dog. She doesn't seem like the type to be very socially active outside of work, so she had a lot of passion and genuine feelings in her voice as she talked about her dog. It reminded me of how much you said you missed your friend.

i'm thinking about tapering off my meds (yes i will talk to my dr first).

i'm taking celexa/citalopram for anxiety and welbutrin/bupropion for depression but the last couple of months or more my emotions and moods have been all over the place, and i've been having way too much anxiety. i feel about as bad as i did before i started on meds 2.5 yrs ago, so i don't think there's much point in continuing on with them. my dr has seemed resistant to trying different meds in the past, so i feel like she's not gonna offer me any other options. sleep is still a huge issue, but i've also run out of options there.

If yr doctor isn't willing to try different meds/combos for some reason you should find a different doctor. But if you don't like the baseline you're at with current meds then tapering off to see where you're at seems like a reasonable plan, just have those follow-ups on the calendar in advance.

I emailed her so I'll see what she comes back at me with - but yeah, I would like to see if I feel any worse once I'm off these meds.

Speaking for myself, I was in a really bad place six months ago when I was going through issues with having problems just getting my meds, so I decided to just stop without even consulting with a doc. Granted, that was a bad/misguided decision. But it led to an even darker place and was not a solution at all.

After all I've been through, I still don't want to be on any meds. But I have the hindsight now to realize that, even though I still have shitty days, I am more stable on the meds. It's a nice thought to aspire to be off meds entirely, but at this point, I just don't think it's realistic. Yes, they did change my meds in the hospital, so that has definitely made a difference.

I understand that want to not being on anything, though. It's made me wonder at times just how much of my personality is contained within some pills. As much as I let it contain, I suppose.

oh, i'd be more than happy to stay on meds if they were actually doing anything!! i am definitely a give-me-all-the-pills kind of person. but they're not working. i've been having terrible, day-long anxiety attacks, crying jags, OTT reactions to minor things, feeling completely overwhelmed + defeated by life, etc. all the fun stuff. this is how i felt before i started taking meds. i'm still waiting to hear from my dr, maybe she'll want me to try something else, or up my dosages, idk. but this current regimen is not working for me.

i've felt depressed for a majority of the time i've been on meds, but it's been a very mild kind of numb, detached depression that was totally manageable. but it's morphed back into the really painful depression, which is not so easy to function with. i'm skipping tons of work (luckily for me, i can get away with it), and just not doing great.

been on meds now for 20 years, wondering if they have stopped working or if something else would be better, but kind of terrified of what might happen coming off them

guess i'm starting zoloft tomorrow.

Good luck.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

no shame in asking for sleeping pills if you need'em too imo, or whatever sleep help you need; extended periods of shitty sleep always mea depression for me no matter what
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/09/upshot/the-evidence-points-to-a-better-way-to-fight-insomnia.html

love patton oswalt's bit on going off his antidepressants

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZqrHw7YV3Q

btw I am sorry you are feeling depressed & I hope it is brief

i already take gabapentin, klonopin and weed for sleep (the klonopin only occasionally), and i've tried a couple of other sleep meds that didn't work out.

i just talked to a friend of mine who takes zoloft and she's had a great experience on it so that was nice to hear. i'm a little nervous about potential nausea/cramps side effects, though.

i quit taking meds* and seeing my therapist a few months back. sick of feeling fuzzy & trudging the same stupid circles month after month, year after year. have no faith either in therapy or in my own ability to give shits sufficient to effect change. resigned therefore to the ~experience~ of depression, which i supposed i've managed fine for half a century ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

* escitalopram & bupropion

zoloft worked really well for me. it was kind of like a kick start to the part of my brain that regulates motivation. i felt "driven" for the first time in ages.

starting to think it's wearing off at this point, though. :/

xp - how's that working out for you? (not meant sarcastically)

not sure, good days and bad. at the moment, i feel like complete shit, but i figure i can wait it out.

xp i was gonna ask you if it was still working for you - i was looking through this thread and the meds one for ppl who have been on zoloft and saw a few of your posts about. i could really use the motivation, so i hope it helps me like that, too!

Hope it works out for you! It also makes falling asleep easier for me. No more lying awake soaking in dread and despair