Depression and what it's really like

Slip b12 supplements into their drink/cheerios/enema. I don't know if it's tied to any depression symptoms but there's a whole host of neurological problems that go with a b12 deficiency.

I stayed in bed til like 2pm both Sat and Sun. Been getting 3-4 hours sleep at night. I'm definitely in a depression, but there's just not the acute psychic pain that I'm used to with depression. It's been so oddly benign. People around me are more concerned than I am.

went to a new therapist today. i think he could be helpful -- seems insightful -- but jesus do i hate going to therapy.

I've spent so much of my life wondering where / expecting things will go wrong that I can't actually enjoy anything I have achieved or any happiness that comes into my life

This sums it up for me, just feeling like something can't be right if everything is working out because who am I to deserve good things or have people actually like me?

April is the cruelest month

add an "l" and stir

Thought i was doing a lot better but no, have run aground again. Just empty now, exhausted with myself and unable to see where I want to be. I hate my lack of motivation and ambition.

In my job, i feel like ive been making incredible strides. But i run it with my girlfriend, who has been going crazy recently trying to not overwork herself, easing her workload and then freaking out that stuff only she can do is not getting done. Its stressful and i dont know what to do about it, and its leading to arguments.

On top of this, our space isnt currently getting the trade we need (we are still paying the bills and every year at this time it slumps.)

Idk its not a big deal but im just stood here on a fucking shitty day and cant vent elsewhere. The record shop next to me is just playing shitty landfill indie all day too. I just want more to be positive about. (Well i do have that, first week of our asos has gone really well) but eeeeeeeeh, i wanna turn my fucking brain off. But then i drink too much, and its leading to more arguments. Ffs.

happy to firebomb the record shop if it helps

had a tpugh couple of weeks teetering on the brink of 'nothing fucking matters why do i even bother' but adjusted medication seems to have put me on more of an even keel the last couple of days. before i started taking medication i felt like using chemicals to get into a more positive frame of mind was cheating but now i feel like if my brain is going to play dirty pool with its own chemistry i should really take every opportunity to balance the scales from my side too

in the runup to the peak of bad feeling my brain felt a bit like HAL at the end of 2001 as bowman starts deactivating him, with all the good thoughts and feelings being steadily shut down one by one until all that was left was a monotonous robot voice telling me how over and over worthless i was

"a monotonous robot voice telling me how over and over worthless i was"

I don't know if I am afflicted with depression but I can definitely relate to this.

They are currently playinh stevie wonders greatest hits and my mood is improving.

Soz to hear that biz, but yeah anything that helps improve your mood isnt cheating, its helping. I have some people in my life who get really caught up in thinking like this when there is definitely x that can help them, and by not accepting it just makes them so much worse. Just try and keep pulling through.

hey, thanks - appreciate it

stevie wonder makes everything better tbh

Hey, bizarro, fwiw you are one of my fave ilxors. I hope you find that fact more uplifting than depressing (results may vary from ilxor to ilxor).

I am now back on meds for the first time in five years (just Ritalin for my case of the ADDs, but a low-grade depression is pretty much always comorbid with that shit). After <24 hours I already feel significantly less sleepwalky than has become my norm.

aw, right back at you man, thanks. always a pleasure to geek out with you

good luck with the meds!

good vibes to you biz.gaz and a hoy hoy, hope the meds keep doing you good OL

feeling the stressed other half and ADD-depresso things. have no official ADD diagnosis but seem to be totally not on top of basic day-to-day organisation and frequently spacing out/dropping the ball lately, which is totally setting off a feedback loop of stress and self-loathing

and bf is stressed/intermittently depressed which is also bringing me down, + also the powerless of not knowing how to help despite having been on the other side, taking it too personally, and if I'm honest a little emo voice keeps saying "why should I be understanding, whenever I'm down everyone else is just like 'hey, pull your socks up and stop whining'" (this part is not true, which I need to remember, plus of course it would be a dumb excuse even if it were true)

yeah ive been with the gf 4 years, lived together and started a business together and... i still have no fucking clue* about her anxieties and anger. it makes me sad, but its not about me. its just fucking hard and idk how to deal. or whether its even something for me to deal with... but then i need to deal with backing off. argh.

*obviously an exagerration

sometimes the thing that worries me the most is knowing that the strongest will to keep going is knowing how much it would devastate my poor family if I died, but knowing that if that were no longer an issue...the concept of me peacing out wouldn't faze me as much, at least if I had a say in it as opposed to someone else or nature deciding it.

not that a lot of other people wouldn't be upset if i died, but it only seems the family folk are the one that make me begrudgingly keep trying.

i was doing so well at ages 30-31....fall of 2013 to now has been a nightmare comparatively speaking.

and i just lost my therapist of two years cos she stopped taking my insurance and I didn't wanna pay $150/a session as oppose dto $20 a session.

going to look for another soon.

i'll probably be aight - just picked up another theatre project, less because I miss it, more because I need something,a challenge to focus on that will distract me from me. and this is it.

because I need something,a challenge to focus on that will distract me from me. and this is it.

yeah, I do better when I have things like that. when the distraction ends, I fall apart for a while

Weekly bullshit update:

So we hired someone! It meant that it would take the stress off a little and give us opportunity to do other things. Most importantly it would mean my first day off trading (we are selling thurs-sun) in 11 months! Hooray! I fucking needed it.

Except after a second weekend of covering for my missus, came my day... and she was so full of anxiety she couldnt leave the house. And then when i got to work, the girl i hired started crying over problems she wouldnt tell me about and ran out. Not that it fucking matters, cos their is a tech recruitment fair using our entrance and we are empty so id be making no money anyway.

Its taking its toll. My gf is going through some weird thing that as our lives have dramatically improved, shes got really anxious and guilty about it and almost self sabotaging. And although it seems like we are getting better, shit like this just piles up. And the only course of action ive really got is to breathe heavily, remember the things i like that are going on and brush myself off. Oh and get fucking blind drunk when doors closed.

Àaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh

just had my dad put the phone down on me cos i told him i wasn't happy with his relentless moaning and conspiracy bullshit but hey i'm only flesh and blood

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 20 years and you know what? I don't feel depressed about that at all!

So now my gf has decided she just doesnt want to do this anymore, which leaves us fucked. Oh and any money i thought i make today, has been ruined by a fucking police blockade. 8 policemen cut off brick lane cos a woman broke her toe.

Nothing going on is because of me. Like the girl yesterday ran out because her stepdad got prostrate cancer and she had a panic attack and ive not been able to reach her since. The gf doesnt want to do it cos she hates customers and some people around us and they stress her out. Now i have tech fairs and broken toes meaning im having a shitter than shit week despite working harder than ever and investing loads of money into have my spaces be the best stocked they ever have?

I try more and i try and help people more and etc etc etc and it just leads to MORE money worries and more people being stressed? Fucking going home to read the book of job. Like wtf a broken toe gets 8 police officers.

Oh man. that sounds like a shitstorm of stress and bad luck. i'm sorry to hear about that. if the gf doesn't do it anymore, does that have you running the ship 24/7 w/ business?

Basically i just have to get through today and find out where she stands.

To throw in some context we started a vintage clothes biz 2 years ago and trade on brick lane and online. Its pretty much tied into the fabric of our relationship, finances, interests, friendship group etc.

I think the reality will be that if she can divorce herself totally from the retail side and focus on stuff like getting stock and running our online stuff she should be cool. But yeah shes just been getting mega stressed and it only seems to get worse and worse atm to the point where im doing 95% and the stuff i cant do (for example she reworks a lot of items and i cant sew) she cant bring herself to do and its just losing us money not having that stuff, our most popular stuff, out. So even if she decides she wants out im gonna have to figure out how to deal with a missing skillset there too.

I just want a holiday.

hugs dude

Cheers man. And soz about yr dad.

ach he's always the same, i'm just v. short on tolerance and patience at the moment

Someone just, i shit you not, just offered her £10 and some travel toothpaste for a £25 shirt. I swear people have got more obnoxious just to fuck with her. Like they can smell blood. Toothpaste is a definite new low, usually people just pay on debit cards or in cash.

(Btw we are actually doing quite well and, other than struggling with debts from previous times, taking a handsome wage each. Sometimes when i complain about money i feel i have to qualify it with this. Its more of an issue that we generally have no control of when its a golden day or someone breaks their toe and 8 policemen essentially block the front door)

(And day to day financial instability sucks even if its generally well worth it overall).

Fucking toothpaste for a tommy hilfiger shirt.

Thoughts Sam.

that sounds shit obviously but seems like you have been doing impressively well in general so ✓

Cheers guys. Yeah idk i feel ive just been using this thread to vent. All of our friends or whatever are pretty linked, in fact my biggest issue in life is just needing somewhere to let it out. Overall life is well better than any time in the past 2 or 3 years.

Yea but that doesn't mean you won't have a legit downward spell every now and then. Vent away!

many beers later update- we've posted a gumtree ad to try and find someone to work for us. in fact if you know anyone trustworthy looking for a part time gig/flexible gig in shoreditch, giz a private message. its been a stressful weekend, we made much less money than usual, but im alive, alls healthy and well and good and we just need someone who can help in retail to take the pressure off.

do schedules and lists of tasks help her, sam?

i was just thinking about maybe making a list of all the separate tasks/parts of your business and divvying them up according to what works best for each of you individually and as a couple, then maybe work out a daily schedule of those tasks, then you have demarcated work time and personal time. does structure help her manage her anxiety?

I've been offers a flat now, which is great. It's where I want to be too. It's been a hard year so far, homelessness and difficulty accessing help, but things seem to be looking up. So why am I convinced it's going to go wrong? Why am I superstitious about this? I mean, I know. I'm just not sure the people trying to help know.

It's been months of isolation and suicidal urges - once self harm, for the first time in years. I just got a letter from my psychiatrist referring me to another psych who works in a place I lived in three flats ago.

But I'm hoping this will be a base on which I can rebuild my life - I've lost more than a decade in and out of hospitals, and when things seemed to be levelling out I was made homeless. Moving, however, is really hard for me - a side effect of growing up in the military. But maybe this will be my last move.

sounds like you're on the up and up; here's hoping it continues

Yeah, all good wishes. So much of our mental health deeply tied in to material realities.

dowd, it sounds like things are at least getting to settling down. It also sounds like you are needing some stability, which seems to be right around the corner. Stay strong and hang in there. Thinking good thoughts for you.

As for myself, as part of my post-hospitalization plan, I was directed to an employment specialist at Orange County Goodwill to assist me in finding a job. He saw my resume —which has a lot of retail and some management work experience— and suggested I apply at a Goodwill retail location that had just cleaned house and was in need of fresh people for upper staff and management. I figured what the hell, nothing to lose. Applied for a Lead Sales Associate position and was offered one better with an Assistant Store Manager position. I, of course, took it. It's been quite a change, readjusting from being used to a school work setting back to a retail environment, but I had forgotten how fun retail can be. Especially at a Goodwill store, you meet all kinds of weird (in a good way) and quirky people. And there's also just a good attitude in the atmosphere that has certainly rubbed off on me over the past couple of weeks. There's a vibe of reconstruction and establishing a new rapport there that is definitely infectious. I actually look forward to my work days just as much as I do my days off, which hasn't been the case for me since I worked at Tower Records a decade ago. So, yeah: positive changes.

good to hear, both of yous

likewise Austin, hope you keep feeling positive

good luck dowd and austin. happy to hear good things from yall.

I might be able to get my dog back too - he's staying with my mum atm. Don't know what the situation is it's let's in the new place, though. Finally got a psychiatric referral today, for a flat I was in three flats ago, as I'm about to move back to my old psychs turf. Sigh.

Unfortunately the new flat is very close to my day, who was an abusive alcoholic, but is now just irritating and emotionally manipulative. A couple of strokes has slowed him down a bit. He's bipolar like me, so I should maybe cut him some slack. We didn't talk for about 5 years, and had settled into a manageable 3-4 meetings a year. This might upset that balance a bit.

Ugh, I know that feeling dowd. It's just that looming black cloud feeling. Best to establish firm boundaries — even though I know that's much easier said than done.

I actually thought about you earlier today when a co-worker was telling me how much she loved her dog. She doesn't seem like the type to be very socially active outside of work, so she had a lot of passion and genuine feelings in her voice as she talked about her dog. It reminded me of how much you said you missed your friend.

i'm thinking about tapering off my meds (yes i will talk to my dr first).

i'm taking celexa/citalopram for anxiety and welbutrin/bupropion for depression but the last couple of months or more my emotions and moods have been all over the place, and i've been having way too much anxiety. i feel about as bad as i did before i started on meds 2.5 yrs ago, so i don't think there's much point in continuing on with them. my dr has seemed resistant to trying different meds in the past, so i feel like she's not gonna offer me any other options. sleep is still a huge issue, but i've also run out of options there.