Depression and what it's really like

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your kindness.

I think about jumping off a local, famous suspension bridge many times a day. I'm not sure if I am serious about it or am just being stupid.

I have made a lot of mistakes and need to make a lot of life changes but I don't know where I will get the energy or motivation. I've been thinking about turning to religion, like alcoholics do, but have no idea what that would actually entail or if I would be forced to adopt a worldview I don't really want to have. Staying deliberately vague here.

don't do it

any worldview you might adopt that leads you through to better times is worth adopting imo. "any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

it's a bit of a lucky dip but there are plenty of church ppl out there who have an open door and will speak to you in a pastoral/therapeutic role without much or any god chat

^^ and some of them have really nice music

"any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

i like this.

Started seeing therapist again a couple weeks ago.

Glad I did so.

Moving to a single flat on Monday, and get to see my dog today! Now I just need to find a way to get my meds when I'm not registered to a GP...

right on!

I'm so glad, dowd!

dowd I am glad you will be back in a home

Good news, dowd! I hope your new flat works out well for you and that you got some good dog time in yesterday (oh, and your meds)

things have gotten pretty bad. i don't know where this self-critical/lacerating voice comes from. i don't remember my parents ever talking to me the way i talk to myself. i am starting with a new therapist and stuff so i guess i will be fine.

i guess i am just mystified about where depression comes from. it's so maladaptive. it's stood in the way of so many things i wanted in life: jobs, relationships, educational opportunities. why is it there?

Starts in your brain, then you grow up and adapt to it by instinct without knowing what's happening, then you have the maladaptive thought patterns and the maladaptive coping mechanisms you built around them. Then you try to undo it all a bit at a time.

it's the most annoying, stupidest bullshit in the world.

Even relatively well-behaved brains can be annoying as hell.

the worst part of depression for me is the guilt. my parents are getting older and they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore

I'm 61 and I still have to worry about my daughter who is turning 30 in a few weeks. She isn't to blame in any way for that. She can't take care of herself and she never will be able to. She didn't choose to be disabled, but I chose to be a parent, so I accept this as exactly what I signed up for. I would no more want to walk away from that job than I'd want to cut off my right hand. I love her.

I expect you have loving, caring, responsible parents, treesh. They signed up for being your parents and if they love you as they ought, they'll tell you they'll tell you truly and sincerely that there is no time limitation on that. It's part of the deal.

Yes, it may be inconvenient for them at times that you are still struggling to make your way, but compared to what you required from them for the first 10 years, I'm sure you are miles more competent and capable of self care and self guidance.

You aren't guilty of anything if you haven't somehow turned your life into a cakewalk by now. Life is hard and you can only do your best. Do that and you are acing the course.

aimless otm

I don't think I've ever explicitly talked about it here, but about five years ago, I moved back in with my mom for a year and change after a Job-like succession of bad shit happened within a shockingly short period of time and I pretty much lost the ability to properly take care of myself or care whether I could properly take care of myself. I have enough distance now to see that time as not just NBD but what I had to do in order to be well again, but at the time and for a good stretch afterward, I felt ashamed and guilty to have essentially reverted twenty years (back in the same house and room and bed as when I was in high school, with my mom having to take care of me again). Those feelings are probably perfectly natural, but aimless knows what he's talking about. The people who care about you will be there for you when you really need them the most. It comes with the gig. My mom was perfectly happy to be there for me at that time. If it helps alleviate the guilt, do like I did and provide a huge amount of free labor in the service of upgrading your parents' property value. But, coming from the master of masochism, try to take it easy on yourself. Everybody hits those emotional skids at one time or another, whether they're willing to admit it or not. You're just a human being like all the rest of us.

that self-critical voice is always a liar, but depression is trying to alert you to something profoundly not right between you and the world. underneath the bullying voice i think is you trying to talk to yourself and depression is the opportunity to listen to that, if you can just get past the mean bullshit that's screaming for unwarranted attention

something about indulging your needs in the right way, i dunno

take care Treesh

the worst part of depression for me is the guilt. my parents are getting older and they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

my mother still worries that I will get into a serious car accident that is my fault, because I did this a few times as a teenager. We're talking 25 years ago. Your parents have agency, they will worry if they want to worry.

But in terms of "having to take care you now that you're an adult" ... obviously different parents have different degrees of emotional, financial, etc. resources to do so. I don't know enough about them to say, "no, it will be no hardship at all, they would be as gracious as Aimless is/was with his daughter." If you have a good relationship with them, talk to them about it. If they aren't assholes, they will probably tell you flattering, nice, hopeful things about yourself and your potential that could make you feel less depressed. Idk.

but most people are assholes, so...

The guilt of some of my actions when unwell can't be alleviated. There's nothin I can do to make it up to them (my mother resuscitated me once, for example - I can't imagine the fear of that). And they say to forget about if, that it's not my fault etc. But
That guilt will always be there. I do use it as a way to motivate myself to not hurt myself. But you can't wallow in guilt, and the people you feel guilt towards wouldn't want that either.

trapped in a box rapidly filling with water and there's fuck all outside the box anyway

been trying to juggle a lot of different things for a long time and feel like i'm headed for a huge crash. was supposed to graduate college last semester, but it didn't happen because of a paperwork fuckup. so this month i'm trying to graduate college, pass my professional cert exam (based on material i haven't even looked at in a year), manage two jobs, one of which is a kafkaesque nightmare and one of which is a ridiculously overtaxing ball of stress that leaves me incapable of doing anything at the end of the day but falling in bed and sleeping (and they're asking me to do overtime). on top of this trying to close out my dad's estate. everybody i talk to seems just as fucked up as i am, or more. have been doing massive amounts of stress eating, which has gone far past the point of being productive. am completely neglecting my loving and supportive spouse, and in fact have become so sexually alienated from everything over the last year i'm starting to think i'm genderqueer.

oh and i turned forty yesterday.

i've already had one nervous breakdown. i really don't want another.

Hello all, long-time poster/reader but under my real name and tbh I don't want to discuss mental health using my real name - hope no-one minds.

Hope everyone in the thread is doing ok at the moment, there's always something outside the box NV.

I find it hard to talk about how I feel, so little things become massive things and I can't see a positive outcome of any situation - I used to think I was just being a realist and preparing myself for the worst but all this catastrophising has been destroying me really. My current bout has just been a really slow slide down over about 18mths from my father (estranged) dying, some stressful things happening in my relationship (exacerbated by my inability to open up, as much as I wanted to) and a general collapse in my self belief and personality as a whole. I think I was in denial how bad it was. I found thinking about suicide a rational option when faced with trying to confront anything emotionally difficult - if I was going to go through with it I'd have done so by now.

Eventually I managed to start an email dialogue with the Samaritans, and eventually spoke to friends then my sister then went to the doctor (now got meds at a sustainable level, and after 4 months wait I have an appt for assessment with adult psych services this week) and started seeing a private counsellor. Ended up in tears on Christmas day trying to explain to my Mum. Relationship stuff came to a head not long after and although there's some contact we've not been in the same room for months.

So sometimes I'm pretty ok and other times just totally empty. I live on my own, and commute, neither of which help. I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about, so find it hard to look for help. Other people have real problems, mines are existential and the same shit that's been knocking me over for 20-odd years. I'm mostly less anxious, which is good, but definitely a bit lost. Not sure how the assessment will go, I'm worried about being told there's nothing wrong with me and to be on my way.

i've already had one nervous breakdown. i really don't want another.

Oh, I know that one! I spent most of last year in fear of any sort of further breakdown! Which didn't help.

Time is running out. Wish I could spend all my days alternating between shower and bed.

Gone from years feeling like I'm stuck in the "light my fire" organ solo to feeling like I'm floating through "when the music's over"

Big hugs to everyone <3

Ova nova, I think a lot of ppl with depression "don't have any reason" for it - that's the problem! I know my life looks pretty damn good from an outside perspective.

I end up getting most depressed when everything sort of slots into place and feels settled in a way that everything is fine and there's no need or reason to change anything around. Like if job / family / finances / etc. all become stable and good I start to get sad and full of regret and feel overwhelmed by the permanence of it all.

Yep just1n3, the massive guilt of being outwardly pretty together but a mess inside. I struggle with relativism - so many people have it much worse than me in the world.

joygoat, I've spent so much of my life wondering where / expecting things will go wrong that I can't actually enjoy anything I have achieved or any happiness that comes into my life. I thought I'd found a way to manage my depression by trying to make sure the peaks weren't so high so I didn't have so far to fall, but the troughs stayed as low if not lower and all I've done is rob myself of happiness / experiences / progress. I don't feel like I've progressed any since my late teens in many ways, and I'm so fed up of it. I just want to feel something other than this.

Hope today's been better for you, brimstead.

things have gotten pretty bad. i don't know where this self-critical/lacerating voice comes from. i don't remember my parents ever talking to me the way i talk to myself. i am starting with a new therapist and stuff so i guess i will be fine.

Knowing that it is a voice sounds like a good step imo

the worst part of depression for me is the guilt. my parents are getting older and they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

I think there's a false cultural narrative about perfect adult lives, tied up with a perfect bow, and parents after a certain age no longer being worried about their kids ... don't sweat it, just be ready to be there for any dependent relatives (yr own kids or nephews/nieces or older relatives) should the time come

Technical question: if someone was pursuing a diet where they weren't getting any vitamin B12, and they were already depressed or suffering serious anxiety, would the lack of B12 exacerbate that?

This is regarding a tenant in my house who I have ... begun to have concerns about.

Slip b12 supplements into their drink/cheerios/enema. I don't know if it's tied to any depression symptoms but there's a whole host of neurological problems that go with a b12 deficiency.

I stayed in bed til like 2pm both Sat and Sun. Been getting 3-4 hours sleep at night. I'm definitely in a depression, but there's just not the acute psychic pain that I'm used to with depression. It's been so oddly benign. People around me are more concerned than I am.

went to a new therapist today. i think he could be helpful -- seems insightful -- but jesus do i hate going to therapy.

I've spent so much of my life wondering where / expecting things will go wrong that I can't actually enjoy anything I have achieved or any happiness that comes into my life

This sums it up for me, just feeling like something can't be right if everything is working out because who am I to deserve good things or have people actually like me?

April is the cruelest month

add an "l" and stir

Thought i was doing a lot better but no, have run aground again. Just empty now, exhausted with myself and unable to see where I want to be. I hate my lack of motivation and ambition.

In my job, i feel like ive been making incredible strides. But i run it with my girlfriend, who has been going crazy recently trying to not overwork herself, easing her workload and then freaking out that stuff only she can do is not getting done. Its stressful and i dont know what to do about it, and its leading to arguments.

On top of this, our space isnt currently getting the trade we need (we are still paying the bills and every year at this time it slumps.)

Idk its not a big deal but im just stood here on a fucking shitty day and cant vent elsewhere. The record shop next to me is just playing shitty landfill indie all day too. I just want more to be positive about. (Well i do have that, first week of our asos has gone really well) but eeeeeeeeh, i wanna turn my fucking brain off. But then i drink too much, and its leading to more arguments. Ffs.

happy to firebomb the record shop if it helps

had a tpugh couple of weeks teetering on the brink of 'nothing fucking matters why do i even bother' but adjusted medication seems to have put me on more of an even keel the last couple of days. before i started taking medication i felt like using chemicals to get into a more positive frame of mind was cheating but now i feel like if my brain is going to play dirty pool with its own chemistry i should really take every opportunity to balance the scales from my side too

in the runup to the peak of bad feeling my brain felt a bit like HAL at the end of 2001 as bowman starts deactivating him, with all the good thoughts and feelings being steadily shut down one by one until all that was left was a monotonous robot voice telling me how over and over worthless i was

"a monotonous robot voice telling me how over and over worthless i was"

I don't know if I am afflicted with depression but I can definitely relate to this.

They are currently playinh stevie wonders greatest hits and my mood is improving.