your terrible ideas

I sometimes wonder what my eyeballs saw before I was born, and the doctor popped this particular set into my skull

I dunno guys, these rom-com plots are always a little too cornea.

a vape pen that looks like a miniature bahn mi

a friend that you can eat (and is tasty) but who will also regenerate within 2 weeks and won't remember anything about it

cats with swappable limbs so they give you a real massage when they're kneading

reading that thread

a vape pen that looks like a regular size bahn mi

anyone have a vape pen I could borrow, I think I can make a photo of this idea happen

btw, the eye transplant movie, which I am still thinking about, would obviously have an entire soundtrack of "eye" related songs

Eyes Without a Face
Private Eyes
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Star Eyes
In Your Eyes
etc.

Karl, I was just going to congratulate you on your romantic comedy and then I pretty much literally died @ this.

a friend that you can eat (and is tasty) but who will also regenerate within 2 weeks and won't remember anything about it

― Karl Malone, Wednesday, March 2, 2016 6:58 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

thanks! i asked my agent to shop it around but i'm not having much luck yet. second draft adds this crucial ending: the camera zooms out, and it turns out the entire movie took place in another eyeball (teasing the sequel)

You also need to have scenes where they watch other films about eyes - so (as in man alive's post) Eyes Without a Face, The Eye (also about an eye transplant but a horror not a romcom so I think you're fine here), the Eyes of Laura Mars...

Oh god, thinking about romcom versions of horrors has given me the terrible idea of a romcom version of the Human Centipede - it's the ULTIMATE love triangle.

As far as Human Centipede-related terrible ideas are concerned, I tweeted eleven years ago or whatever that it seemed to me the logical conclusion of the series would be Human Ouroboros.

Ha, yes. Have they not done that yet? (I still haven't watched any of them, because, as I always say, I love the idea so much the actual film will definitely be a disappointment to me.)

a romcom version of the Human Centipede - it's the ULTIMATE love triangle.

looooooool

imaginary films are better than most real films imo

especially because they all feature kirk douglas

I posted way upthread about a sort of rom-com/lifetime tv movie concept H and I came up with about a young gay deaf mute living in minneapolis, his middle-aged therapist, and her angry teenaged daughter. We had scenes worked out, little bits of dialogue, etc. It was sort of an exercise in cracking each up by trying to be as subtly bathetic as possible.

Velodrone - an autonomous quadcopter drone that follows you around when you're riding your bicycle.

breakfast pastries you heat by carrying them around in your armpits

especially because they all feature kirk douglas

― Karl Malone, Thursday, March 3, 2016 9:54 AM (10 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

upon reading this, I convinced myself that I've been saying 'Kurt Douglas' my whole life, and I was struck with horror and embarrassment. but that can't be true.

Rebranding a small section of Ridgewood Queens as "ADOBO" (Area Down Over By Onderdonk)

hahaha

Presidential elections conducted by best 4 out of 7 handslaps contests

mushtard

a fusion of mushrooms and mustard because I like both with a steak

(I considered and rejected mustrooms)

The Name of this Band is Talking Heads vs. Stop Making Sense poll

Probably already done but... A band called Golf Sale

Jay-Z With Strings

a group that is nearly identical to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, except it's decoupled from the United Nations and the finalization of their work requires consent from only 95% of member countries instead of 100%

also an golden oldie but since i haven't memorialized it here,

reverse birthdays - on your birthday you give other people gifts. that way you never have to worry about remembering anyone else's birthday, and also throughout the year you receive reverse birthday gifts from your friends rather than consolidating the whole thing into one day, and also it transforms the day into a celebration of your friends and family rather than a celebration of a single person

i have heard that discussed before. possibly as a made-up custom in a work of fiction, like something they do in gunk's homeland in the comic strip 'curtis.' or is it part of a very merry unbirthday? or something hobbits do? anyway it seems like a great idea imho. a society organized more around communal ties and giving vs. getting would have totally come up with that centuries ago.

A full range of goatse-inspired products, from hat racks (replacing the hooks with tiny hands that cling to the brim and showcase the inside of your hat) to coffee mugs to frozen pizzas. Guaranteed to make circles traumatic!

oh, sorry to copycat, but what about goatse branded dipping sauce for mozzarella sticks?

and you open the container by digging your fingernails into the top of the lid in the center and ripping it apart to reveal the sauce

You're hired.

"the sauce"

If I finally get around to playing live again, include a cover of Prince's 'Gett Off' in my setlist. So when the audience start shouting "get off (the stage)", instead of getting off the stage I can launch into my cover of 'Gett Off'.

An Iggy Azalea single called Baby Got Outback

rolled goats

a computer program that purportedly deletes all of your unfinished writings from your computer in the event of your death (as evidenced by your failure to login for more than 30 days) — but in actuality it bundles everything into a RAR and forwards it to 20 different publishing houses under the subject line 'The Great Unheralded Lost Writings of [your name]'. I would call it maxbrod.exe.

A cleaners called "Watch Out, Iron New York"

not mine but:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AKZk2ldPWs

An album performed in the style of Big Black, called 'Songs About Thatcher', where all the tracks are cover versions of 80s pop songs criticising Margaret Thatcher, with the opening track being a cover of Hue & Cry's 'Labour Of Love'.

Pants that change color when you piss yourself. I mean that change to a color other than the color of a piss stain.

How about pants that make the "WHOOOORP!!! WHOOOORP!!! WHOOOORP!!!" siren sound from the 'Rogue One' trailer whenever you piss yourself?

I had to do a double take there, because in England pants = underpants. Actually that reminds me of an incident at a place where I used to work. I was talking with two of my then colleagues and there was a three/four second pause in the conversation, which was broken by the non-English* colleague saying "I need to buy some more pants", which resulted in the English colleague and myself going o______________O

(*ie from a country where pants = trousers)

Please feel free to use that last line as a display name, anyone.

These can be color-changing pants of the US or the UK variety. Or both.

A coffeemaker with a Rob Schneider voicechip that just says "makin' coffee!" over and over while it's brewing.