your terrible ideas

goatye -- Kanye/goat/gotye mashup

fear.com owned by ... web.com.

I haven't clicked either of the links, but this post means a lot to me

lol

A YouTube series titled "Let's Play Far Cry Primal on shrooms".

1 cup of Mayo
1/2 cup Julie Ann Carrots
1/2 cup of Raisins
1 tbs Lemon Juice
1 lb of Freshly Excised Dermal Polyps (moles, tags, warts, etc.)
Salt & some paprika
Chives (optional)

Combine with spoon. Chill. Season to taste and combine again. Put chives.

Company called "Psychiatric Intervention" that comes to your office and drops off 50 box-trained kittens (w/ boxes, food, toys, etc.) on days when everything is objectively shitty and there is no reason for anybody to ever live.

This is actually a not-terrible idea but I don't know where is the thread for that.

a one-man stage adaptation of "catcher in the rye" that is just a kid in a hospital bed looking at the audience & reciting the entire text of the novel verbatim

love it

a rolex with an enamel middle finger a penis for the hour and minute hands, at the top of every hour it says "I'M RICH"

in light of the popularity of (1) standing desks and (2) the squat position as some kind of paleo-natural thingy, I give you: The Squat Desk. It's basically just a really low desk. You squat at it.

combine it with a toilet = increase efficiency and muscle tone

I generally love the concept though that with the right equipment, we can make doing stationary work in an office for 8-12 hours a day more like being a hunter gatherer.

imagine sitting in at a desk which is zooming through a forest, the wind flowing through your hair

xp which gives me a new idea: office foraging. bet you have the best luck in the kitchen cabinets and fridge.

oh I already office forage

i had a terrible romantic comedy idea last night.

Two lovers register to be organ donors. Tragically they both die at a young age. Their eyes (or corneas, at least, although if this took place in the near future maybe it would be the entire eye) are transplanted into two other people, strangers, who of course run into each other on the street, look into each others' eyes, and fall in love at first sight. BUT, they really don't get along with each other and soon break up. but soon after, one of them is trapped in a fire and the other one happens to be there and saves their life. they get back together and this time have a child. but the old personality conflicts return as the realities of a dead-end job and extended postpartum depression set in. they go through marriage counseling, and it turns out the counselor was the former doorman for the apartment where the original eye donors briefly lived. he recognizes their eyes, but he can't say anything because it turns out that he was secretly in love with one of the donators. and looking at those corneas again, all these years later, he realizes he's still in love with her. he can never bring himself to say anything about it, but he does successfully sabotage their marriage. later they run into each other at a bar and he tries to see if there's a spark there between them, but there really isn't much there. he's very drunk, and ends up telling her that he sabotaged their marriage, not through anything that he said per se, but definitely by not saying what he should have said in his marriage counselor role. the eye donation receivers once again get back together, but this time they begin fighting from the first instant they reunite. they fight and fight, but by this time they're pretty old and there's little chance of finding anyone else out there and they'd rather not be alone, so they just stay together and talk about their eyeballs.

Wow. A+ would produce.

I'm thinking the story of the first couple unfolds as a brief prologue, then opening credits over a Coen-esque transplant sequence set to "I Only Have Eyes Gor You"

*For, obv

jeepers creepers

What if the couple with the new eyeballs are also realtors, and they are always trying to sell the dead lovers' house to some tasteless dorks. But the dead lovers aren't having it, so the eyeballs are constantly doing shit to sabotage the sell, such as falling out of their new owners' skulls.

this sounds a lot like the plot of dead again

but there's also this guy, Ibull Jus, that the eyeballs can hire to help them

one great terrible thing about eyeballs is that it allows for a really flexible plot. you can just have them transplanted somewhere else with no explanation and suddenly it's a thriller

an eyeball's lifetime may contain many, many human lifetimes

I sometimes wonder what my eyeballs saw before I was born, and the doctor popped this particular set into my skull

I dunno guys, these rom-com plots are always a little too cornea.

a vape pen that looks like a miniature bahn mi

a friend that you can eat (and is tasty) but who will also regenerate within 2 weeks and won't remember anything about it

cats with swappable limbs so they give you a real massage when they're kneading

reading that thread

a vape pen that looks like a regular size bahn mi

anyone have a vape pen I could borrow, I think I can make a photo of this idea happen

btw, the eye transplant movie, which I am still thinking about, would obviously have an entire soundtrack of "eye" related songs

Eyes Without a Face
Private Eyes
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Star Eyes
In Your Eyes
etc.

Karl, I was just going to congratulate you on your romantic comedy and then I pretty much literally died @ this.

a friend that you can eat (and is tasty) but who will also regenerate within 2 weeks and won't remember anything about it

― Karl Malone, Wednesday, March 2, 2016 6:58 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

thanks! i asked my agent to shop it around but i'm not having much luck yet. second draft adds this crucial ending: the camera zooms out, and it turns out the entire movie took place in another eyeball (teasing the sequel)

You also need to have scenes where they watch other films about eyes - so (as in man alive's post) Eyes Without a Face, The Eye (also about an eye transplant but a horror not a romcom so I think you're fine here), the Eyes of Laura Mars...

Oh god, thinking about romcom versions of horrors has given me the terrible idea of a romcom version of the Human Centipede - it's the ULTIMATE love triangle.

As far as Human Centipede-related terrible ideas are concerned, I tweeted eleven years ago or whatever that it seemed to me the logical conclusion of the series would be Human Ouroboros.

Ha, yes. Have they not done that yet? (I still haven't watched any of them, because, as I always say, I love the idea so much the actual film will definitely be a disappointment to me.)

a romcom version of the Human Centipede - it's the ULTIMATE love triangle.

looooooool

imaginary films are better than most real films imo

especially because they all feature kirk douglas

I posted way upthread about a sort of rom-com/lifetime tv movie concept H and I came up with about a young gay deaf mute living in minneapolis, his middle-aged therapist, and her angry teenaged daughter. We had scenes worked out, little bits of dialogue, etc. It was sort of an exercise in cracking each up by trying to be as subtly bathetic as possible.

Velodrone - an autonomous quadcopter drone that follows you around when you're riding your bicycle.

breakfast pastries you heat by carrying them around in your armpits

especially because they all feature kirk douglas

― Karl Malone, Thursday, March 3, 2016 9:54 AM (10 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

upon reading this, I convinced myself that I've been saying 'Kurt Douglas' my whole life, and I was struck with horror and embarrassment. but that can't be true.

Rebranding a small section of Ridgewood Queens as "ADOBO" (Area Down Over By Onderdonk)

hahaha

Presidential elections conducted by best 4 out of 7 handslaps contests