Depression and what it's really like

best i can hope for:
- job that only makes me want to kill myself once or twice per week
- that's it

i feel like being dropped out of a plane or something

parents, man. parents.

Last night I was telling my wife about the nightmares I've been having. And that I'm sure I could take out my dad with kicks to the leg and liver shots. How he's not even the one I'm mad at; I'm not mad at anybody anymore, but I can't drive halfway across the country and try to act like things are okay. I don't know if I can make it halfway across the country. I might stop along the way and get drunk in a motel. forever.

this shit comes and goes for me. brimstead, I hope you'll be okay.

thanks man. same to you. i had a lot of hope last year but it's all fading away. i need to hold onto that, though.

i don't know if it's possible to mask depression with improved competence, but i'm starting to think i've slid back into a serious bout without realising it, because i've been holding it together enough at work for nobody else to notice. and there's nobody else to notice.

or alternatively i'm in the middle of some overwhelming sadness and aboulia and it isn't depression and therefore i can't think it out or deal with it in the same way. i don't know if any of those distinctions are real or meaningful.

medical models do nothing for me now.

I'm really sorry if the thought of arsenal winning the title has contributed

i've been having a rough time of it lately because for me, depression is a matter of being trapped inside myself, and i try to cope by looking outside and trying to relate to the bigger world. but lately what i see when i do is more fucked up and crazy than the evil stuff that's in my head. and i know i'm not alone, that millions of people are being fucked up by all this the same way i am, and that just seems so much worse than regular depression. i wish so hard that i was the most miserable sonofabitch on the planet.

Much love for everyone one this thread, for what it's worth.

One of the worst things about depression is how selfish it can make me; there's nothing like suffering to make you self-centred. So, that said

Because I've been made homeless I've been put in emergency housing in a place I don't know, far away from my support network. It's a much bigger place than I'm used to, and in the top 5 deprived areas of Scotland. I've had to leave my GP and my psychiatrist, and my CPN, and I'm trying to recreate those relationships but it takes a long time to get a psych referral in an area as impoverished as this. I've never been this isolated, and it's terrifying and dangerous (in a suicide/SPF harm kind of way). The guy I'm sharing the flat with is an active heroin user, who has people coming in and out all the time. I have no moral problem with heroin users - they mostly strike me as very sad and empty. But it wouldn't be a plus when looking to live with someone.

I even went to one of my usual support network, the church; which was very fri sly and welcoming and ended with the minister affirming that gay people go to hell (the Church of Scotland is currently undergoing an argument/schism about such things, which has forced me away from the kirk), so my visit ended with the minister and I having a big argument at the door of the church. Then I sat and cried. I'm trying to get involved in stuff, but I might be here for a month or a year, while I wait for a council house. And I feel like crap, and am already falling into old thought patterns planning suicide/self harm. But where I would normally call my CPN or my psychiatrist I have no one here. Blech, given time it might tun out okay. Nil annoyed the council ignore the NHS advice that I should stay near my support network. I can see why so many homeless people have mental health issues. But I will add that I've slept rough in Glasgow before, and that is no fun. At least here I have a roof over my head.

Godspeed you get through these hard times and into better days, dowd.

yes yes yes

take care of yourself and i hope those services that should be looking after you get their shit together and do a proper job

nameless, sourceless, creeping dread

stay up, dowd

Really hoping you find the support and material stability you need, dowd!

<3 dowd. you'll get through this.

feel like my cat is the only thing keeping me alive rn

which is also stupid

A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo. Lyle always looks worth walking through fire for. A cat is a baseline of worth-staying-alive you can build off.

mookie, I know "<3" doesn't hack it. But <3.
Also, in the spirit of the cancer thread, fuck depression. Also silby otm.

Stress is really turning my brain to mush, but they say they'll move me next week. Can't believe how much progress has been undone so quickly.

man dowd I don't know what to say other than "much love" :(

i'm starting to give up on ever getting back to where I was in my early 30s. I've never exactly been a completely calm individual, no, but I'd reached some kind of equilibrium where I was calm most of the time and at peace. no OCD symptoms, no raging existentialist blues that lasted longer than a day.

now I feel like everything i do is wrong. and that's not an exaggeration - even facts I know I am right about I find myself double checking because I feel convinced that I'm a walking trainwreck.

Sunday I was in a weird frame of mind, ran into someone by chance I briefly had dated but am no longer interested in, and instead of just being polite, I made out with her. and regretted it after.

just a ball of rage 24/7 and much of it inwardly focused. i've missed half my therapy sessions this year due to work and/or travel and I don't think that's a coincidence.

the thing that worries me the most is last year, when I felt this way, I was actively under a lot of stress in my work and personal life. that's all gone away - the antagonizing stressors are gone but I'm not healing this time like usual. I'm just....stuck. i worry about my health to hypochondriac levels which brings on panic attacks.

tonight work was more stressful than usual but i got through it and was all ready to relax and go to a movie when I couldn't find my wallet fora n hour and now I'm just sitting here breathing slowly, ready to give it a second try in two hours.

on the plus side I have a breast cancer benefit next week that i'm helping perform in........

dowd, that sucks so bad - depression is bad enough, hard enough to deal with, but external factors that keep you unstable and on uneven footing are just straws waiting to break the camel's back. i'm so sorry that you're being forced into such a totally shit situation. i really hope something works out and you're able to get back on track.

fwiw, there was a time just after my dad's death when having a cat was one of my mom's biggest reasons to stay alive

yes, much <3 to you mookie, my friend <3

many thanks to Lyle for keeping you alive, because i want you to stay alive

A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo.

agreed. my cats are the best thing that ever happened to me

my cat is like my only real friend

I haven't seem my dog for a fortnight now (some of you may remember me having a breakdown and posting tons of crap in one of the threads - best animal friends maybe). He had an operation just before I had to move - nothing serious, but miserable cone-head times. My mums looking after him. Could do with hugging him atm. But sooner or later, no doubt. I might try and Skype with him later.

<3 hugs <3

thanks guys <3

yesterday i read about a retired hockey player who was going to kill himself because he was having blackouts and seizures from all the concussions, but then his dog came in and he was all 'wait, who will take care of my dog?' so he stopped. (unfortunately his dog was named 'coors', but still)

best of everything to you dowd <3

You too, mookie.

big Love to all

<3 to all the ppl itt

i like having all of you around.

I'm very depressed but I'm afraid to write anything about it because I once wrote about it (on another thread) only to have an ILXer make fun of me for it. It was devastating. This thread seems really supportive, though. You all seem nice. But I'm afraid of it happening again.

You're safe here dude

Ppl take this thread very seriously - anyone being an actual dick here would get booted out asap.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your kindness.

I think about jumping off a local, famous suspension bridge many times a day. I'm not sure if I am serious about it or am just being stupid.

I have made a lot of mistakes and need to make a lot of life changes but I don't know where I will get the energy or motivation. I've been thinking about turning to religion, like alcoholics do, but have no idea what that would actually entail or if I would be forced to adopt a worldview I don't really want to have. Staying deliberately vague here.

don't do it

any worldview you might adopt that leads you through to better times is worth adopting imo. "any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

it's a bit of a lucky dip but there are plenty of church ppl out there who have an open door and will speak to you in a pastoral/therapeutic role without much or any god chat

^^ and some of them have really nice music

"any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

i like this.

Started seeing therapist again a couple weeks ago.

Glad I did so.

Moving to a single flat on Monday, and get to see my dog today! Now I just need to find a way to get my meds when I'm not registered to a GP...

right on!

I'm so glad, dowd!

dowd I am glad you will be back in a home

Good news, dowd! I hope your new flat works out well for you and that you got some good dog time in yesterday (oh, and your meds)