Kids say the darndest things

Owen: I'm hungry. I need some exquisite mouth-feel.

H: You're losing.

B: You don't know what you're doing.

H: You're a "little."

B: You're a scaredy-cat.

H: You're ... A CUSS WORD.

B: Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm telling!

Me: This Playdoh is hard to get out of the mold.
Ella: [Deep sigh] It's the hardest thing a mother has to do.

K: Wouldn't it be great to have another dad?
Me: Uh, what kind of dad?
K: A Japanese dad!

(Beeps and Henry making their toy dinosaurs talk. Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza.)

H: Well, let's talk about how we got out of the vending machine.

B: The what?

H: Let's talk about how we escaped from the vending machine last weekend.

B: Vending machine? We escaped from a crane game. We are not CHIPS.

The way she said it was right up there with the guy from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre".

lol

Henry likes to ponder life while on the toilet and while he's pondering life he often insists I'm there to hear about it.
H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

I consistently tell everyone that he's going to be a millionaire by the time he's 30.

Now whether or not that happens through honest work or by robbing a bank, I don't know.

H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

^^^^^^^^actual lols

:))

Ha when I was a wee tacker I used to boast that I was going to be rich... when asked how, I'd say "I'll marry a rich man, DUH".

That I'M RICH bit is brilliant

Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza

This is the biggset puzzler here--this must be the first time in history anyone's got anything out of one of those rigged motherfuckers

I have spent her entire life telling her that those things are a rip, and she grabs two on three tries when I'm not around.

We have a little Chewbacca furry that makes the Chewbacca sound, and tonight E (9 months) reached for it and said "RRRrrrrrr!"

You could probably raise E to make just chewbacca noises. I'm not saying you should, it's kind of a moral grey area.

Me: what's happening in Lego town over here
V: I've been adding this building, it's the office for the newspaper.
Me: Oh yeah? what newspaper?
V: (thinks for a second) the Daily Brick!

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

Kid's been saying "car" for a while now but hasn't been able to say "truck". Now it's sort of morphing and has turned into the word "cock", which is awesome as he's watching videos of monster trucks on fire and yelling HOT COCK HOT COCK.

My little brother as a kid pronounced the "tr" sound as "fw" which obviously lead to me and my teenaged friends goading him into saying truck you, etc.

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Monday, March 21, 2016 2:08 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

PP what was that magical stuff we use to use called?

Henry, on the toilet, with me as his deep thoughts audience once again:
H: 'Did you know that saladbread is poisonous?'
Me: 'Really?'
H: 'Yes! I ate it once'
Me: 'I don't remember you being sick from eating saladbread'
H: 'Oh, well, if you drink a special potion after you eat it you don't get sick.'
Me. 'Ah. Where did you get saladbread? I've never heard of it'
H: 'There is a Saladbread planet! I went there with four astronauts and we ate it.'
Me: 'Wow. I hope you gave the astronauts some of your potion'
H: 'No! Hahahaha'
H: 'You know what else is poisonous?'
Me: 'Nope'
H: (in a loud conspiratorial whisper)'CHICKEN BODIES'
Me 'Chicken bodies!! Do they come from a chicken body planet'
H: 'No! They're from Earth!'
Me: 'oh.'

Like, DUH

Pretty surreal!

PP what was that magical stuff we use to use called?

http://i.imgur.com/3Lbyz7i.jpg

Daddies can share in the bliss too.

the next time my son asks what's in my cocktail I'm going to say "gripe water"

Having eard Sleeping Beauty, and learned that it was a prick from an enchanted spindle that sent Beauty to sleep, Ella says to me: "I'll be Sleeping Beauty and you be the prick."

Gold!

Dalton: Do you know what a go-go dancer is?

Is this a trick question?

lol

my sister used to be p much addicted to gripe water. I think she used to steal it from the first aid cupboard and just walk around with it.

Max is Henry and Beatrice's cousin. He is 3 month younger than Henry. He lives in Australia.

One night Henry was getting angry because he had to do his homework.He suddenly declared:

"I don't hate God but I HATE everyone on this earth! Everyone!!! Except Max. God and Max.'

I texted this to my brother who told Max. He said Max laughed but also nodded like he understood. Cousins.

(On the walk to school)
K: Is there a car called "Tack-L"?
Me: Um, what do you mean? Did you see that somewhere?
K: You know, like "Tack-C." Is there "Tack-L"?

Took me a minute there.

lol me too at the time

We were playing "Say Anything" (kind of like Cards Against Humanity, but for kids).

Question (for Ben): What headline would I (Ben) most like to see?
Me and the wife wrote "Ben Wins Gold Medal" and "Videogames More Healthy Than Reading."

Owen wrote the winning answer: "Ted Cruz Assassinates Donald Trump, While Getting Shot By A Bazooka."

Question: What would be the weirdest thing to collect?

Ben's answer: Fox genitals

LOL

guess you better get rid of you fox genital collection

I think someone should shop Harry S Truman holding up a newspaper with that headline.

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1647/26203826981_40e207997b.jpg

:D

Everything seemed normal after I picked my 5-year-old up from my wife's sister's house yesterday. An hour or so after we got home though, she started singing the chorus to Enter the Ninja by Die Antwoord. :(

lol

my 7-y-o has starting appending "babe" to everything he says. "i want some milk, babe."

Kid's ready to make some deals!

Follow-up to my last post:

Little kid: I I I/I am your butterfly/I need your protection/a mee mo samurai...
Me: I think the words are "be my samurai".
Little kid: I I I/I am your butterfly/I need your protection/be...my...samurai... I think "a mee mo samurai" is easier to sing than "be my samurai"
Me: Well, sing it however you want, I guess. It's your song now.
Little kid: Yeah, I got the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, I got uuhhhhhhh, Eye of the Tiger, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb, and...Hey - I haven't heard Cherry Bomb these days!

lol that Tracer's kid is a Jason Sudeikis character

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/snl/images/2/25/Dennis_Miller.jpg

i have no idea where he gets it. my wife and i have never said that, ever. today he said 'sup bro.' am i raising a.... douchebag?

Lololol.

Haha hl, your kid singing cherry bomb reminds me of when I was about 6 and I used to sing "I was made for lovin' you" by KISS all the time. Much, I'm sure, to my parents amusement.