Marilyn Haggerty's amazing Olive Garden review and the subsequent viral shitstorm

the sick burn, that is

TBH though the voice is more Andy Rooney than Hemmingway

I disagree; it's much more observational than querulous.

yeah fair point, but I mean it's like Hemingway if you strip away most of the subtext.

I would be afraid of eating with The Appetite. I can imagine the review.

"I ate with my companion, who was hungry. Until the waitress brought our ice-filled glasses of water, he could not stop talking. I thanked her for the both of us."

OK, no bullshit, this is out of a George Saunders story but, yeah, no subtext:

ST. THOMAS, N.D.—If it's Thursday, there's a turkey dinner waiting at the cafe next to the post office here on the main street.

And the last sentence!

There are homey looking curtains on the front windows of the cafe. The booths with padded seats look comfortable. And at the rear of the restaurant, there is an area for group gatherings. The restroom off to the side is OK and is for both men and women.

Near the kitchen, patrons with a sweet tooth find Special K bars that are said to "go like hotcakes." Along with them, customers might find homemade desserts such as apple or rhubarb crisp or maybe homemade donuts.

You help yourself to water and coffee, which is made fresh and does not sit around and grow stale during the day.

In the current harvest season, there are customers who take food out to the fields.

http://www.grandforksherald.com/accent/food/3844921-eatbeat-head-st-thomas-perfect-turkey-dinner

I don't want to rehash the whole thread, but her flat style mostly strikes me as typical of very small local newspaper writing. She seems like a reasonably nice and smart person doing a little restaurant reviewing to pass the time, an ordinary life made to appear funny through the distorting peephole of the internet.

http://www.grandforksherald.com/accent/food/3894240-eatbeat-suit-your-tastes-subway

for some reason this made the front page of the mpls star-tribune today

The manager, Andrew Goren, says the place is busy between 7 a.m. and midnight.

lol:

Like the many national food chains, Subway is bulwarked online by all the information you could possibly want. There are serving sizes, calorie counts and cholesterol reports readily available. They mean little to most who stand through the lines at a Subway. They are important to others who have health concerns.

she told you!

"With an eye to the busy holidays ahead, Subway shops are promoting 50 percent more meat for a sandwich for 50 cents, Goren said."

Because nothing says "Season's Greetings" more than extra processed turkey on your processed bread-food roll.

she hits Panera:

In the morning, some customers make quick pickups at the drive-up window, while others settle down inside the bakery cafe. There's a long table where friends meet up with friends throughout the day. And along the sides, there are tables and booths, all with a lookout on the passing scene in front of Walmart and Sam's Club.

The food has a medium to medium-high range in price. A medium-sized bowl of soup I had recently was $3.79. A turkey, apple and cheddar sandwich with chips came to $9.49.

When eating with friends, it's sometimes wise to split a sandwich order to go with a serving of soup. And salads are a good selection—long on nutrition and lower in cost.

she has an assistant!

On Wednesday and Thursday evenings, they offer a pound of wings and a pitcher of domestic beer for the low price of $12.

And that helps pack the house at Parrot's Cay, a small eating and drinking place on 36th Avenue South. The wings are coated, most often in a Shark Sauce. It comes in various levels of spiciness, from three to 40. And the menu warns anything over the level 12 will leave you sweating.

Customers also can get wings with buffalo garlic ranch, Thai, jerk, blackened, peanut butter or captain's barbecue sauce.

"But honestly," said Carrie Sandstrom (CS), my Eatbeat assistant, "I don't know why anyone would ask for anything other than Shark Sauce. I don't know what's in it, but I could eat that sauce on anything."

shark sauce: the donkey sauce of the sea

Fanfic time.

Does Marilyn know her assistant is a CRIMINAL?

http://www.collegemediamatters.com/2014/01/29/after-arrest-editor-at-university-of-north-dakota-student-newspaper-steps-down/

^^^ Fanfic time!

First irony alert: Apparently, Sandstrom is a past “Student of the Year” recipient for the group Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) and is part of the Grand Forks Community and Campus Committee on High-Risk Alcohol Use.

Second irony alert: Sandstrom penned an op-ed about drinking responsibly published only five days before her arrest. As she wrote, “As sad as it makes me to type these words, high-risk drinking is a fact of student culture here at UND. The decision to drink in a risky way is one far too many students make; and, unfortunately, personal decisions often have consequences for many mo

i don't want to start a rumor based on pure speculation and potential for entertainment value, BUT i heard sandstrom's uncle owns Shark Sauce Ltd.

https://cdn4.ukf.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/darude-sandstorm.jpg

There were six of us around the table for lunch at Del's recently. And there were no holds barred. That is, we went for the glistening brown gravy over mashed potatoes in traditional hot meat sandwiches There's a choice of hot beef, turkey, hamburger or meatloaf. My advice is to make it a half sandwich for $5.29. If you go for the $6.59 version, you need to go home and mow the lawn. Or run half way to Hillsboro and back.

The day at Del's begins with early morning breakfast specials, including biscuit and gravy for $3.50.

I found a bottomless cup of pretty good coffee for $1.99 while I was waiting for my friends. The whole pot was left on my table.

LAKOTA, N.D — The creamy cabbage and ham soup was thick.The macaroni salad was just like people used to make at home.There is a Reuben sandwich on rye bread, and a turkey ranch wrap.

All of this was at Elaine's House of Dreams on U.S. Highway 2 in Lakota. On a recent Tuesday, there also was a french dip or chipotle hoagie.The chef salad came with turkey and ham.

And the dessert! It was memorable. A choice of the best blueberry pie or a fluffy cream pie. Homemade.

I get the sense that Hagerty allowing herself to use an exclamation point is like a man released from a hospital after an enema diet.

She sounds like she's on the verge of giving up just prior to getting to the dessert

"pretty good coffee" in alfred's last revive was an ominous hedge.

also loling so hard at "there is a reuben sandwich". well, at least it exists.

would read a haggerty novel about visiting every Supreme store btw.

loling so hard at "there is a reuben sandwich".

Diplomacy is the essence of successfully living in places with very small populations that all know each other. Our Marilyn has mastered the non-committal statement.

As my dad liked to say when handed an infant, "Well! That certainly is a baby!"

"The dessert was memorable" - love her subtle shade.

Homemade.

people don't make macaroni salad at home anymore

https://www.google.com/maps/@48.0356299,-98.345582,3a,56y,8.33h,92.81t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1s1q5PgYV3c_edBB4ZDVpsVw!2e0!7i13312!8i6656!6m1!1e1

the sign sez: "Have you wet your plants today"

i don't find this stuff remotely charming or particularly subtle.

the "sophisticated" appreciation of hagerty seems like some kind of desperate expression of ennui, just as the initial mockery of her seemed desperately cruel.

where does that leave the tao lin fans

btw the other side of the sign says "do these plants make my butt look big" -- that side was made for you and me

"have you wet our plants today !"

(amateurist otm)

The creamy cabbage and ham soup was thick.The macaroni salad was just like people used to make at home.There is a Reuben sandwich on rye bread, and a turkey ranch wrap.

All of this was at Elaine's House of Dreams on U.S. Highway 2 in Lakota. On a recent Tuesday, there also was a french dip or chipotle hoagie. The chef salad came with turkey and ham.

it's like Hemingway

Outside, dust swiveled as my lover drove off towards the horizon.

And the dessert!

It was memorable.

not memorable enough to keep Alfred from reviving thread 2x with the same post

... unless that was your joke? idk

Ha. I didn't even notice. I was imagining the chef salad with turkey. And ham.

And the server who told me to "Step up, step up," when I came in was there with a friendly farewell. Even though I am not, he was calling me "darling" as I left.

http://www.grandforksherald.com/accent/food/4105022-eatbeat-culvers-so-many-choices-its-almost-bewildering

god she is practically richard ford-esque. what is it?? they both are capable of delivering this chunky, descriptive realism that's both deeply skeptical and ultimately optimistic, the two instincts rubbing against each other with endlessly entertaining results. and sometimes cancelling out like sine waves, producing a kind of flat american zen.

At length, I ordered chicken rice soup, a small "Butter Burger" with mustard and dill pickle slices. And I asked for water. Then I got a big paper "glass" and took it over to the beverage dispenser. I got some soda that slipped in with my water. It was all right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4avM0qzEF5I