no boys allowed in the room!!!!

idk if this would be useful but: a beautiful body project

I've been really distracted by my belly--which just seemed bigger and weird and uncomfortable--for a while now.

I've been kinda on the fence: like, OK should I lose some weight so my pants fit again or just accept it, get over it, I am 41 with a belly (but not overweight and in excellent health) blah blah

It turn out I have a belly full of fibroids. Which I've know I've had for years, but in the past couple of months I started having lower abdominal discomfort and the belly bloat and a hard abdominal mass that I can actually feel and move around (ewwwwww).

So now I'm getting worked up for surgery. And instead of being like oh fuck, surgery, substantial recovery period, blah blah blah. . .

I'm like, oh hey maybe my pants will fit again!!!!

Which is pretty fucked up.

I mean instead of wishing I didn't have fibroids in the first place, I'm grateful that perhaps I can blame *them* for my belly bloat and not *me* for being a failure at belly control.

So yeah, I could use some work on body positivity myself, obv.

quince! Sorry abut the health ish that are fueling this. But I think if under your thinking there is a base of, like, get this foreign thing that is not me out of me, wanting to set your body "to rights," that's understandable.

^^ also clothes not fitting is uncomfortable whatever and buying new ones sucks, so

Good luck with surgery, quince, and feeling body positive!

thanks for the recs y'all -- i'll pass them along to her.

quincie i know exactly what you mean -- i had a swollen abdomen for like 2 weeks and it was disturbing because not only did i feel like a spider, but everything was uncomfortable and i felt sick and lost my appetite, the whole deal. io is otm -- wanting your body to be unswollen isn't the same as dysmorphia or w/e

"feel like a spider" is an excellent description! Like, I have these longish, thinish limbs, but this protruding belly. I'm just waiting for the "when are you due" question, which will be awkward for both me and the questioner. But I'm still thinking I've got some super internalized "good tummy = flat tummy" shit going on, because I shouldn't be relieved that I have a medical issue. I should have been relieved to find out it was just fat.

also kinder otm about clothing not fitting being The Major Suck, and thanks to all for kind words and support <3

i've gotten back into sewing

Please revive the sewing thread (isn't there a sewing thread?)! I have patterns plus fabric plus notions plus machine and yet have used none of these for a long-ass time.

I do have some sewing blogs that I check in with periodically.

i have this idea (inspired by Sassy magazine "make this" features) of making a t-shirt dress out of a t-shirt plus target leggings that ripped at the inner thigh seam. That is next in line to the dress I'm making atm

I have yet to sew with knit fabric, so I salute you on this sassy endeavor!

Tangentially related: I got a bunch of blood tests done, and it looks like I don't have PCOS after all. I immediately sent a 'Fuuuuuuck you'-style email to the terrible gyn I had last year. She told me I most likely had PCOS within 2mins of meeting me, solely based on the fact that I have heavy periods.

She sent me back a non-apologetic apology.

Have you had an ultrasound? Could be fibroids, they are well-known for producing heavy periods.

My periods are kinda but not *terribly* heavy, but my big-ass fibroids are outside of my uterus, so they don't play into the period thing.

oh i forgot to put irregular as well. yeah mine aren't super heavy either. i only had ultrasounds done before and after IUD placement, and then a month later - vaginal one. is that the same kind they use for looking for fibroids? i was having a lot of lower ab pain as well, but it started after my IUD, and seems to have mostly ebbed away. i was really hoping to get the IUD yanked and get a TL, but i have to be on BCP anyway to prevent uterine cancer :/

ugh I mean uteri are awesome for what they can do, but since I never wanted to make babby, my uterus just seems like a useless pain in the ass/abdomen.

Ultrasound for IUD would pick up fibroids in the uterus, but I'm not sure about outside the uterus. I hope you find a non-horrible gyn! I've been with my (great) gyn for over a dozen years, and she has been ace. We argue about mammograms (I want to do every 2 years because SCIENCE, she is more conservative and is all "insurance will pay for it why not do it annually?" Uh, because SCIENCE). But anyway you need a good doc on your side when shit goes bad.

yeah i've been with an NP since the first gyn dr, but i have to actually pick a dr, preferrably a one who performs surgery, if i'm gonna go the TL route.

Catching up a bit here but... Good luck with the surgery!

Yes, good luck with surgery!

it looks like I don't have PCOS after all

I've given up on knowing whether I even have PCOS. I was sent for some tests in 2009 with no mention of PCOS and told that the results were inconclusive, and then 4 years later a different GP said "oh I see you have PCOS" because apparently (she said) the results from 2010 were sufficient to conclude PCOS, and I was annoyed that I hadn't been told at the time. Then a month ago I saw yet another GP and said "oh yeah, I have symptom x bcz PCOS" (the main symptom that got me tested in the first place) and she basically went "pfft, that's not even a symptom of PCOS, u mad" or something.

So it was all a bit frustrating until I decided that since I wasn't offered any specific treatment anyway I might as well ignore the question of Do I Officially Have This Thing and continue to mentally blame any and all possible symptoms on it or not, whichever seems more comforting at the time.

Good luck quincie! I know what you mean about the strange relief of it turning out to be 'spiders' and not fat. But perhaps part of the reason that 'fat' felt worrying to you is that you're good at feeling the connection between your habits and your particular body and knew that the sudden belly appearance didn't seem caused by, e.g., a few weeks eating more than usual, letting go of some dietary restriction (not that I think you have any, I follow you closely on the cooking borad), etc. Then there's this 'how did this happen' disconnect. If it had been the result of extra eating, it might have been a non-issue. iirc you have made very happy and positive-seeming decisions in the past re: not attempting to force yourself back into the pants of yesteryear.

Also, any thoughts about fat that seem hurtful can be dismissed. I think most of us would struggle to be fully rid of them after a lifetime of anti-fat messages. Practicing being good at dismissing them seems more important than not having them. I've been practicing but sometimes I forget.

APSC - yeah the problem with pcos is that i think it requires a differential diagnosis? like, there are lots of pcos symptoms that are actually symptoms of something else. and they keep changing the diagnosis criteria.
if irregular periods are a symptom, and you aren't on the pill, that might be something specific to inquire about. it thins out the lining of the uterus and helps prevent uterine cancer. insulin resistance is another thing, too.

p.s. i was prepared to totally ignore it too, the only reason i got tested was bc the hormonal IUD i'm using is giving me shit skin and also has put me in a basically permanent state of pre-period food-craving and i wanted to go hormone free. now i just need to find out if i can take a low-androgen pill instead.

if I had screen names 'pants of yesteryear' would be mine

I need to join the hormone club - I stopped breastfeeding (not even my choice, the baby suddenly was like 'wtf is this') and my skin is unrecognisable :(

sorry for abrupt subject change

wondering if anyone here can relate

currently sorting through a lot of old traumas that have never been sorted through, and trying to put stuff to rest and finally move on healthily. among many other things, i'm realizing the direct impacts that having an un-nurturing mother has had on my life (a mother who does not care about your feelings at all in any way, the opposite of supportive in a crisis, who teaches you not to trust any achievement of your own because it's probably a trick, who invents complex imaginary scenarios and convinces you they are real, who is hypercritical and convinces you that this is just how everyone else in life is gonna view you, and most of all you are deeply weird and will never understand normal people, so just try to hide as much as possible, human relationships are just elaborate interpersonal performances). the impacts it has had on the way that i am, and the way that my family and relationships are. it is such hard work undoing it, and i can't even seem to approach thinking about being forgiving about it yet.

additionally, and what i most want to talk about here, beating myself up for being 35 and just now understanding and working on all this stuff. i've always felt 10 years behind on being "normal"; no change

good luck roxy :/

the hardest part for me was having to let go (to an extent - i can't ever truly let go) of the idea that my mother will ever acknowledge/realize/admit to how her poor parenting affected my whole life and personality, and apologize for it. but she's actually a much better parent to me as an adult, so that makes it easier. and also seeing her old behaviors reflected in me, like catching myself thinking or acting like her.

good for you, addressing this head-on, though. i've always been too cowardly to really do that.

i think that working with kids and, like you said, catching myself acting like her or saying things she used to say to me around them and wanting to nip that in the bud ASAP is what caused me to turn down this road in the first place

i just keep remembering all these terrible things that i havent thought about in so long

for ex:

when i was 18 i moved in with some shitty people just to get away from mom, one of whom was an extremely misogynistic alcoholic (who later sexually assaulted me). i felt like - KNEW! - i couldn't move out. i believed i was literally incapable of doing normal, everyday things on my own, a self-concept impressed on me by my mom. after leaving that living situation, i was unable to find anywhere to live due to my former roommate's breaking windows (and therefore leases - and of course my name was on the lease). i was homeless, and called my mom. she drove to my work and screamed at me for having nowhere to go

cool parenting

you're not the sum of yr mom's bad example. you are the you you are now in spite of her, and every discovery you make now is a step further away from that shadow.

you are creating yourself. doesn't matter that you just started. the point is starting <3

those kids are probably going to be more influential to you now than yr mom which is ironic BUT also awesome. and, idk, to me that is a great example of how you can never pick who is going to teach you the most about yrself

and there's no right age where ppl ~know~ these supposed truths. any age is a good age, fuck yeah 35! etc

i've wrestled with a lot of shit re my mom. it sucks but once you get out of the "why did it take so long" you will have lisa frank rainbows of realizations that are worth all of this rn <3

Roxy I'm on a bus so this is gonna be disjointed.

Trauma doesn't happen on a pre-planned predictable timescale! And as a result, the processing and realisations that lead to healing and recovery don't happen on a timescale either! They happen when you're ready for them. And they often happen only after you have got to a distance of relative safety away from the trauma to be *able* to process it and heal from it. You know how people in the immediate aftermath of an accident are able to perform superhuman stunts of strength and endurance to get out of the burning car, but it's only once they get to safety, then the pain kicks in, and they pass out from shock? Dealing with psychological trauma is like that, but in slow motion. It takes years and sometimes even decades until you get to a place where you can process what's happened to you.

The important thing is not *when* you come to this realisation, but the fact that you've done it at all. Some people never get there. You are there now, and you're trying to do something about it. Congratulate and take some kind of pride in yourself for getting that far.

I mean, you wanna talk about being angry (at oneself, or others) for not developing on schedule? Dude, I am dealing at the age of 45 with a diagnosis (well a re-diagnosis of a misdiagnosis) of a condition that is normally recognised and diagnosed in CHILDHOOD. How's that for behind schedule? Would I really like those wasted years of hammering at things the wrong way back to do-over with new knowledge? Of course I would.

But that's not how it works. We are where we are now, and we work with the knowledge that we have now.

I know I sound like a shitty platitude (or my therapist) but the thing to work on being kind to yourself and forgiving yourself? After that dealing with the others is a doddle by comparison?

true facts about trauma ^^

i just keep remembering all these terrible things that i havent thought about in so long

same, and similarly these deeply buried feelings (of a different, non-parental nature) started to erupt right around the same time i was starting something new that was challenging to me in a good way. i was afraid of my old feelings fucking it up, like really worried. i feel more confident now that i have stared it down and kept going.
i'm gonna leave it at that, but so far so good, i know the feeling, and <3 to you

I've been offered what I think of as the Carl Agatha Special*: an elective hysterectomy! I'm going for a second opinion next week, though.

I'd keep the ovaries, which are fine, so no surgical menopause. I asked about my cervix. "Up to you," said the surgeon. WTF, you are the dude who went to medical school, maybe you should weigh in here? I'm all for patient choice, but you gotta at least give me some pros/cons to work with! He kinda shrugged and said "studies indicate that it really doesn't matter." What does he prefer? "I usually take it out, but again, it's up to you."

Well ffs, let's just flip a coin, then?

*not actually available to CA. Sorry, carl :(

wow that's exciting for you!
i would think removing the cervix might affect sexual response?
and wtf that he didn't think to mention that?

i feel a need for this thread today thank you for bumping
i'm so tired that i think my brain is actually drained of blood

me too. i am feeling kinda sads and tired etc

(a mother who does not care about your feelings at all in any way, the opposite of supportive in a crisis, who teaches you not to trust any achievement of your own because it's probably a trick, who invents complex imaginary scenarios and convinces you they are real, who is hypercritical and convinces you that this is just how everyone else in life is gonna view you, and most of all you are deeply weird and will never understand normal people, so just try to hide as much as possible, human relationships are just elaborate interpersonal performances). the impacts it has had on the way that i am, and the way that my family and relationships are. it is such hard work undoing it, and i can't even seem to approach thinking about being forgiving about it yet.

Ooof. Respect, roxy, for grappling with this in such a clear-sighted way. We have so many kids at this school who are having emotional crises literally every day and we keep trying to get them new levels of mentoring, counseling, outside services, etc to try to build their emotional growth before it becomes a discipline/safety issue that the school has to be punitive about. Just today we were talking about one student and I specifically thought, "She needs a mother. Like an ideal mother. She needs a champion whose love never wanes" and I felt for her SO BAD. We can't give her that, so far, but it set me thinking about that kind of love so your description rang that bell hard.

I hope you can both have some good R&R this weekend!

Dude said cervix removal doesn't affect sexual response. I'll try to quote him exactly: "the cervix, it's only real function is as a door to the uterus. No uterus, no need for door."

I dunno I guess if it comes out I will definitely never have cervical cancer!

oops, sorry for xpost

like he explicitly said it doesn't affect sexual response or he avoided the question with the answer about the door? i remember reading something about it and have feared cervical cancer for that reason specifically (among the obvious others like dying obvs)
i'd be glad to know it's not true but i'm not convinced by that answer!

i hear the work-affecting-the-feelings bell
know that one well

Congratulations!!! I've never considered the cervix issue. I can't decide whether it would freak me out more to have the top of my vag be closed off, like a Ken doll crotch vagina, or have a cervix with nothing behind it but the rest of my insides.

Like this

https://citymovement.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/screen-shot-2013-02-13-at-9-21-08-pm.png?w=470

or this

https://cdn.wittyfeed.com/4647/d1e3a4xokb7p5wf8jk6d.jpeg

He specifically said that studies indicated no impact on sexual function. The door was an add-on comment, albeit an awkward one.

xpost hahahah I'm just gonna try to stop thinking of doors for a while!

Its funny, when he said something about "not having periods anymore," I'm like OH RIGHT!!! My main issue is what he referred to as "bulking" symptoms (puffed out abdomen, feeling of heaviness, aching) and not so much awful bleeding (though that piece could be better), but all of a sudden I was struck by the idea of life with ZERO periods for ever and ever amen!

i know we can count on kate78 to tell us the truth
it is freaking me out to think about the ken doll

i mean not a lot but yknow

I got a very ken doll vibe from Martin O'Malley in this week's dem primary debates. I picture him with a ken doll crotch.

lol
he seems like an actor playing president on teevee

what's the standard recovery time for a hysterectomy?

Yeah, I don't see why the cervix would have anything to do with sexual response tbh. That woudldn't have occurred to me to worry about.

additionally, and what i most want to talk about here, beating myself up for being 35 and just now understanding and working on all this stuff. i've always felt 10 years behind on being "normal"; no change

i identify with this so hard. I'm just a little older than you are dealing with similar things. I'm finally, just now, realizing the damage that my mother did to me. I've been in pretty intense therapy for almost two years now and I'm just starting to get it. My therapist and I are pretty sure that my mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but it's sort of the opposite to what Justine described - she was a pretty good parent when I was a kid but that all changed when I was about 17 and since then she's been either drunk and/or depressed but most often both. The biggest effect this has had on me is similar to what you describe in that her parenting has made me think that I'm not a capable adult and I feel way behind my peers in a lot of ways. Anyway, it's a process and I'm really just starting to heal. The fact that I'm only doing this now does make me feel really bad sometimes but when I do feel bad I try to remember that at least I'm dealing with it and trying to grow and that's something that some people never even get around to? Idk - it's really hard and I get angry about it a lot tbh.

(Sometimes it feels like I've paid and continue to pay a pretty hefty price - all the numerous fucking issues and complexes I've walked around with my entire life - for all this and she's just oblivious or chooses to be oblivious. Tbh she never should have parented imo.

Anyway I went off there but just wanted to say that I get it R and try not to be too hard on yourself. I think it's pretty awesome that you're confronting this stuff and dealing with it at all no matter what age.