Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

There is, and it's not so hard to figure out what is consists of, imo!

I floated into okc and tinder a few months ago and then got busy with ~lyfe issues~ and now realize I left return messages sitting there half composed and pretty much ghosted on several people after one brief exchange

eek

not so bad after one brief online exchange!

I do not understand the communication of date planning. Last week I made provisional plans for tomorrow with someone last week, and recently sent a text asking if tomorrow is still good and if I should keep my plans open? And upon her saying tomorrow is not good, I also asked if another day works, which in my experience is never the case. Anyways, I feel like I messed that up, since I invariably get anxious and can't resist insistently asking because I get afraid that everything was was all a ruse to flake out on me in order to hurt my feelings.

Anyways, I am bad at this and I hate it and why is everything always a disappointment?

I don't think you messed anything up, if anything, it is on them to suggest another time if a time has been inconvenient. If they don't want to meet up, they evaporate at that point. The communication of date planning is that any date before you're into a pattern, which takes a while, could evaporate. Bad news, but maybe the other person is dating a few people and would rather spend more time with another person rather than seeing someone new. Or they plan at the spur of the moment and they're flaking because they just didn't fit you in.

so EDB, you're not bad at it, it's just not a predictable thing because it's ~humans~

like if communication was perfect before ever meeting up you're probably too much alike and it's doomed to fail

love as a whole is unlikely

Yeah, I know. It's just that was a "promising" date. But y'know, that's how it goes,

^^^my man xp

you did nothing wrong, internet dating is basically the movie Cube except you get diced into pieces more often

I'm in guilty giggle fits at lj and the two (77 breach) questions above

:)

visited by a woman whose husband died three weeks ago

i had that happen once (more like a month and a half, massive heart attack; i found out when i went to her apartment and she had a copy of the obit out on the coffee table) and we had a two month affair that ended with her unilaterally disappearing and not answering my calls. TBF, I was probably not an A+ rebound as I was 26 and very confused and dumb.

worse rebounds have been had

word

Fuck. I just re-opened my OKCupid account last week after 4 years away as I am now living in a new state with no friends and I did meet my now ex-girlfriend of the past 4 years on there. This site sure has changed for the worse. Now you can't see everyone who likes you without paying for A-list? Ok, fine whatever, you can still see your visitors and mutual likes. But then I get an email saying that someone likes me who I notice hasn't visited my profile, I guess because you can either browse incognito with A-list or you can now just like someone when browsing matches and without going to their page itself, too. Somewhat annoying, but I can deal with it, I guess. And you also can't just instant message/chat people when they are online anymore, which was the only way me and my ex communicated on there last time and would honestly be my preferred approach as I am better in real time conversation then when I am just trying to compose messages to strangers into the void (which is also why I rarely post on ILX despite being a regular lurker here since early 2004).

So anyway, I finally get up the courage to send a couple people who seem like frankly disturbingly good matches messages today (one has a username from an obscure but hilarious MST3K quote, swoon). Since I am newly single with a lot of time on my hands, aware that I can come off weird in message form, and have obviously been out of the game a while, I actually work up drafts ahead of time trying to make sure that I don't come off as "thirsty" or a "creeper" or that I go on for too long and scare them off (brevity is not my strong suit). Then when I go to try to send a message to both of them, I get a pop-up message saying that their inboxes are full, but I can pay a dollar to force a message through anyway. W T F. So pissed and annoyed that I have de-lurked here to rant about it. Really feel like fuck this website and it's new pay-to-win micro-transaction approach. I wasted an hour working on messages to people who probably won't respond anyway that I now have to pay a small fee for the luxury of sending in the first place. And then what if I do pay the dollars to send the messages and they actually do by some miracle respond, would I then need to then pay another dollar to send them a reply again unless they clear out their inbox in the interim? Will the cycle ever end? So conflicted and annoyed. I am at a loss for what to do.

And while writing this rant, I notice that I have gotten another like, but with no new visitors to my page, of course. I somehow have 14 likes off of only 18 known visitors since re-activating my account a week ago, which seems like a pretty encouraging ratio to be honest. But it seems like this website is just entirely geared towards taking my money now and forcing me to join A-list and I am uber conflicted.

Hmm, actually I just got another like now again and an email saying who it was from and she looks suspiciously attractive and actually visited my page, so I am now am just assuming she isn't a real person.

Anyway, I guess, what are people's experiences with A-List or paying to send messages? I'm in CT now where there aren't as many people on here within an hour drive so A-list seems pretty wasteful, whereas I was in LA before where it might have made more sense to do so as the traffic was much, much higher. Should I just be encouraged and content that I know have 15 likes with 19 visitors and shut my trap or is that kind of thing also typical? Anyway, thanks to anyone who actually reads this and to anyone who would might possibly respond as well. I have had a tendency to kill any threads I contribute to in the past on here, so sorry for going on for so long (as previously mentioned, I am bad at brevity).

never mind lurking since 2004, that post came straight out of 2004. dr freud is thataway

lol, sorry, I am in a weird place and don't have any known profile here to ruin in the first place so a back to lurking I shall go!

And then what if I do pay the dollars to send the messages and they actually do by some miracle respond, would I then need to then pay another dollar to send them a reply again unless they clear out their inbox in the interim?

your complete stupidity as regards online dating & gender relations in general is perhaps exposed best by this sentence. you would deny the female agency to such an extent that you would not credit its own desire to communicate with you and thus its ability to clear its own inbox? amazing work.

here's a nice tip: don't send the first message unless you've mutually liked. also have some patience. also dude based on that post I'm not sure you're ready to date

okcupid is a piece of piss really (1-year anniversary coming up heyoo) but you've gotta be chill & you've also gotta be a bit self-denying. also as a hetero man you've gotta realise that other people have agency

i dunno that methanietanner's concerns deviate too far from the standard anxieties of online dating but okay.

since i returned to it i've noticed a significantly higher like to visit ratio too, though almost always from people who have visited my page, so i dunno what the deal is. the cases where they haven't it needn't be because they're a-list, you can turn off visiting/visitors or it could also be that they liked you through quickmatch.

imo the biggest loss of functionality, as a timewaster as much as anything, is the fact that you can't really search profiles for words or phrases any more, just the 'interests' thing which doesn't work nearly as well.

Fair enough. Thanks for the responses. I wasn't trying to deny anybodies agency at all, I am honestly just not sure how the site works these days, and I do know from my female friends who use the site that there is always a pretty constant barrage of messages, usually form letters and gross sexual propositions, from dudes on there so that even if one were to say clear out 10-20 messages to make some room, their inbox could very easily be filled back up in a day or so. I guess, I just wasn't sure if they made an exception if you were already communicating and had paid previously or if you would have to keep paying if other people stuffed their inbox in the meantime. The reality is that anyone with a full inbox probably isn't really looking for any new messages from anybody at this point, especially someone in my current frame of mind.

I think I will take your advice and avoid messaging anybody for a while at this point since I am obviously a bit out of sorts right now and am exceedingly clueless about the etiquette in the online dating world. I have only been single for two months out of the past 9.5 years so I think I should just focus on being content being alone for a while and take some more time to calm down and clear my head before trying to jump back into it.

shucks, feeling like i jumped in a bit firmly there. good luck dude. just uh...yeah, take it as easy as you can - it might be nice to focus on yourself for a while and who knows what'll happen. having your dating profile just ambiently sitting there isn't the worst thing in the world. until your inbox is full

I noticed there's a discrepancy btwn browser and mobile OKC, in that the latter sometimes identifies people who like you, while the former almost never does. Weird.

(have not used OKC / dated in any way for months now and don't miss it)

jesus christ, LJ, that was fucking unnecessary

yeah I already realised, as above. sorry again - was meant to be tough love, but probably overdid the tough bit. hope everything works out for the guy

lol i was about to question imago's standing to hold forth on matters of online dating

also imo there's nothing wrong with cold-writing someone -- just don't write three pages of creepy intensity and don't feel entitled to an answer

OKCupid shows likes from people swiping right ala Tinder on mobile without ever visiting your profile.

mookie otm. Not everyone has A-list, not everyone who does bothers with 'likes'. I have A-list and see likes, but don't proceed to the profiles if the match percentage is low (I know the match algorithm is severely limited but it's just good enough to be that kind of filter). I do read every message that's more than six or so words long.

what the hell LJ

Thanks again for the responses. I actually feel a lot better now largely thanks to this thread so don't worry about it LJ/imago. It's been a long time since I was sonned on here so I was due for it. I was frankly expecting worse when I hit submit on that anxiety-ridden logorhettic blob up there.

MT, try not to get too swept up in the IMPORTANCE of the moment and just focus on the fact that you are getting back in the game in some way. That's a pretty big step in and of itself and worth more than any (probably justified) paranoia as to how the site is pumping you for cash or attention.

xp dude, you weren't due for anything, nothing in your post warranted nasty replies

Lj you want your fucking ass handed to you for your tone and you should be ashamed of yourself.

yeah using the words 'complete stupidity' was dumb & cruel and for that I am ashamed, everything else I posted was stand-up advice imo

evil monster imo

had to read that initial LJ response five or six times, still not quite sure I believe he posted it

Big Boys Rules

lol at anxiety about the minutiae of an online dating site being a denial of female agency, though

if someone's inbox is full, maybe they haven't logged in for a while or got barraged. it might make them less likely to do a close look at their messages, but if someone looked especially interesting, go for it. if anything, it's an indicator of a lot of low-quality communication and a well-written message might be just what they're looking for.

out of curiosity, what is the message limit? i'm guessing OKC keeps it low to feed the beast

ilx should charge $1 if you want to post more that ~100 times a month

not a fan of the latest redesign, though it is arguably less ugly. their long slow struggle to figure out how to be more like Tinder continues but the fact is that the more they appeal to that approach, the less functional it is for anyone else. the whole value of fucking with okcupid is that even people only answer a handful of questions, it'll be enough to filter out people that you really have NOTHING in common with, so a leftie academic weirdo urbanite like myself doesn't waste time scrolling (or swiping) past right-wingers and normies. still have to click 'hide' on a lot of burning man types but whatever. and then the profile itself gives lots of instinctive cues of "ehhh, no, we won't get along." pushing it further and further towards the yes/no matching approach, and away from the questions and reading the profiles (latest redesign hides the bulk of them behind a "click for more") may mean i see a higher number in the people-who-liked-you icon, but i place almost no faith in that number meaning anything at this point.

to be fair, i've been on this dumb website since ... 2004 maybe? and met three of the best friends in my life and several amazing partners of other kinds on it. so if it does completely go down the toilet it'll still be a damn better run than most websites on the internet for me personally.

Kind of a good point there; i met ine of my best friends and my current longtime gf on okc... So good for them!
I do feel that saying that out loud in 2020 will be the 2007 equivalent of a wedding speech about how you met on nerve.com

my friends met on the personals the onion used to have, which I believe were the nerve.com ones!

Is anyone getting the “12 Days of ____ Matches” thing? I’m currently receiving 12 Days of Agnostic Matches. Like, yes, this is such a defining element of who I am, thank you for zoning in on that.

same

i doubt it has anything to do with yr agnosticism; just a promotional thing and they didn't want to 'offend' anyone with merry christmas or solstice or whatever

same, only it says atheist? i don't even remember being an atheist

they definitely just zoned in on that part of my profile. also seems to imply that as an agnostic i don't celebrate xmas? just kinda... weird.

"Here at OkCupid, we try to match like with like over the holidays. Why? No idea. But since you’ve told us you’re an agnostic, we thought we’d hook you up with a special like-minded someone. XXXXX’s a great match for you. So, while everyone else goes about their Christmas business, you two could be, you know, hanging out."

"... you two could be, you know, hanging out burning bibles and such."

12 Days of Sometimes Drug User Matches

feel like that's actually a pretty good thing to match for