Transport in London is shit

Ace In The Tube

walking down a corridor in the wrong (but quicker) direction without massively pissing off the people walking towards you

outrageous, can we get a twee rhyme against this

when walking through our maze of hell
make sure you read the tube signs well
cos if you travel the wrong way
you are a disgusting savage

when travelling on the central line
drinking wine, feeling fine
before you reach out to grab a bar
ask yourself, do i stink of body odour? should i have washed my clothes or myself at any point in the history of my vile life?

walking in the wrong direction
might get you where you want on time
but though you have the best intention
you might annoy others which is a terrible crime

*shoots self*

what are the existing ones for? not moving down? discarding papers? is that it?

Is there one for holding doors open? I don't mind the rhymes as much as the terrifying twee smiley faces tbh.

the rhymes and the drawings are the same evil beast for me

we're in the age now where a black and white sign that said DON'T HOLD THE DOORS OPEN, IT DELAYS THE TRAIN would be welcome

in the age or at the age

little from column a little from column b

there's one about trying not to be violently sick all over the carriage, and to hold it in until the next stop if at all possible

though you might be violently ill
it would be much politer still
if you could wait until the next stop
before puking the contents of your guts up

^ my own work, v sorry to all and to TFL also

Don't vomit
On the tube carriage floor
That's what
The night bus is for

The Northern escalator has reopened, though, so there's finally an end to that ridiculous walk.

aw well you missed out on finding the fun shortcut for this one, which they eventually started marking, so if you followed enough 'no access to the northern line' signs you'd find a 'northern line this way' sign

I noticed that on Sunday, when I had to get to the Angel before a set time, couldn't bus it because I needed to reload my Oystercard and was worried about WALKING WALKING WALKING between Piccadilly and Northern lines. It was *concerning* how happy it made me not to have to deal with that palaver any more.

xposts

a few years back i was on the tube at christmas, like the last week paean to sodom and gomorrah, going from oxford street to bethnal green. and there was this one guy who was a shell of himself, like swaying everywhere, hanging onto the bars, most of the seats were full but it was just me and him in the space by the doors. anyway he began to lurch a bit more and soon by about holborn he puked out the doors when they opened. it was horrible but ultimately the mood i was in i felt kind of sorry for him, there were few people getting on, i guess when they saw him.

anyway we got to like chancery lane and he did the same thing, puked out the doors. then this american guy who was sitting down was like "dude that is fucking disgusting, don't puke on the goddamn TOOB" (i swear he said it like this) - and the guy could barely speak, he was prob trying to say i'm sorry but he was locked inside his own body, and this american got him and really berated him, then took like an empty mcdonalds bag off his gf and was like "dude that is fucking horrible, puke in the goddamn bag, you're a fucking mess" etc, really obnoxious.

so i decided this was a bit off and i told him to leave him alone, he's obviously in bits etc, he doesn't need a lecture. and the american was like "oh you think it's okay to puke on the goddamn TOOB, oh yeah you do?" and i was just thinking get a life or whatever.

anyway there was that silence that descends after somebody speaks to another person on the tube and i was sort of basking in at least having told this moron off. a minute had maybe passed when the american guy's gf just gurgled and puked all over the floor.

when i asked him, as i exited, if he should perhaps ask our friend for the mcdonalds bag back, i almost felt like there had to be a god.

I've been using the lift shortcut for the Northern line - eventually they added some kind of guilt trippy sign to it, like "Do NOT use this unless you're disabled or old"

xp LOL karma!

xxp justice! Though possible puking guy was the cause of puking gf?

could be i guess. it was definitely that real lairy time of year, possibly the last thurs or friday before xmas

That is a story, that stays with you.

yeah it's definitely in my fairly competitive top 10

TOOB

silly americans, we all know it's pronounced 'choob'

The district line is like meandering conservatory, with a slightly weak but pleasant ale on the table

For those who have never traveled through the underground yet open air line, here is a short section near Sloane Square

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVlr24zD_KQ

Is there one for holding doors open? I don't mind the rhymes as much as the terrifying twee smiley faces tbh.

https://tfl.gov.uk/cdn/static/cms/images/tbl-poster-doors.jpg

The first time I saw this poster I was irrationally angry about the lack of rhyme (in my accent anyway) between 'doors' and 'cause'.

What's the worst Tube line for summer heat?

There were a couple articles about this during the heat wave. Unsurprisingly Central Line takes top spot in both.
http://www.citymetric.com/transport/which-london-s-hottest-tube-line-1186
http://londonist.com/2015/07/itd-be-illegal-to-transport-cattle-in-these-temperatures

LG, that story is ALL TIME

http://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/sam-leith-tube-campaign-makes-lovers-of-language-cringe-10289267.html

In the fine McGonagall tradition tbh

McGonagall wasn't contemptuous of his audience... afaik!

I never get the tube if I can avoid it but these poems really make my blood boil whenever I do, and btw the doors one above is a lot better than most of them.

What does it mean when it says that obstructing the doors can cause 'damage, hurt and pain'? I assume 'damage' doesn't mean injury to people, because this is covered under 'hurt and pain'. But is it possible to damage the train doors (or the opening/closing mechanism) by obstructing them? I've not heard of this but maybe it's true. The old-fashioned warning (printed on the doors and never changed for decades) used to say 'obstructing the doors causes delay and can be dangerous'. No mention of damage.

look mate - it wouldn't work as a poem without the damage bit

'personal property'?

Hurt and Pain seem kind of the same thing unless Hurt is referring to embarrassment at dropping a hot coffee over your orla kiely bag, damaging it, and feeling embarrassed as your situation is taken in by a carriage of people who didnt obstruct the doors, hurt because you know it brightened their day, they wanted it to happen to you, they felt you deserved it, and also the nagging sensation they were right, how could you have been so stupid

see, provoking this kind of deep critical analysis proves it is good poetry

Ah, the Taylor Swift argument

'personal property'?

Yes, probably that, thinking about it. (And I like your interpretation of 'hurt and pain', as well.)

This is the one I was thinking of:

http://thetoychronicle.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/poster_10.jpg

Bit strong but in my heart I support the cull implicit in the poster.

Also support the implicit judgement upthread that people committing wrong-direction "parkour" are very very very rarely as good at is as they think.

Sadie Frost keeping it real at 50 years old:

She loves going on the Tube to meditate. “Even if you’re really crushed and standing and sweltering and uncomfortable, it’s a good exercise, to practise being at peace in a situation that maybe isn’t peaceful.”

(The rest of the incredibly gushing article at thttp://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11798138/sadie-frost-interview-health-depression-turning-50.html )

thanks, Fizzles, for that excellent article!

Still ploughing through this thread having returned from holiday, but want to echo that

Just had to call TFL because their stupid website is broken and they overcharged me twice for not touching in AND out of Brixton station (which obviously I did not do) and WTF. They asked me to give an answer to a security question WHICH THEY COULDN'T TELL ME! I had to guess what the question might've been, was it my mother's maiden name? No. Eventually they let me pass by telling them my email address. Then they told me there were "discrepancies" but wouldn't tell me what they were. Eventually after being on hold for ages they gave me a refund of £8.50 so I'm getting my money back and therefore don't have that much to complain about apart from the whole WTFness of the whole call. But argh. Anyway. Serenity now.

I get fairly regular emails from Oyster telling me that due to an operational error I am due a refund which I will pick up at my local station, next time I touch in, it's usually about £3 but sometimes as much as 6 or 7. Not really sure what it's all about but it happens a lot, perhaps twice a month or more.

Yeah if I get a notification about an incomplete journey I can just fix it online, but this time I assume due to these mysterious discrepancies it wasn't deemed eligible for a refund. I only noticed because I'd been auto-topped up twice this week which since I've not been anywhere apart from work was a bit odd.

http://marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2015/09/did-the-london-tube-strike-improve-social-welfare.html

Sunday travel in often affected areas does enable me to find a new (sometimes cheaper) route that I end up re-using.

has the central line deteriorated a lot in recent years? not got it at rush hour regularly since 2013 or so - in about 8 days of using it it's been completely fucked and unusable once (queues out the door of bethnal green) and severely delayed 2/3 times. wasn't sure whether to post this in "society is in the gutter" but it can go here for now.

the central line is literally (literally) full (full) of kids with knives, stabbing the track while stuffing their faces with candy crush