Depression and what it's really like

yeah i "liked" that idea too

hits close to home

Ever since I went to California to take care of my cousin, and especially since I got home and he died, my depression has sunk to all time lows. Part of it is that I haven't even had a chance to properly grieve -- because of a lot of behind-the scenes crap I don't want to get into, I've been very heavily involved nearly every single day in dealing with his apartment, his belongings, accounts, etc. The long and short of it is that a) I've put on about 25 pounds in the last four months and b) my doc had to DOUBLE my Lexapro just to allow me to get out of bed in the mornings.

I told my wife the other day that I don't even want to watch TV or read because I'm so depressed and anhedonic I don't want to not enjoy it. I basically work, eat and sleep.

the love and rockets quote from Rosalba that "deprethion ith anything that keepth you from doing what you want to do" plays in my head about twice a day; seems like a useful touchstone

Phil <3

http://www.lexaloffle.com/bbs/?tid=2232&pid=12311&autoplay=1#pp

xp forks: eh, but what if i genuinely want to go out and murder a bunch of random people? that's not depression! ..or is it...

Phil: sorry dude that sounds awful; a lot of times I feel like being able to enjoy such things is the only thing that keeps me going, and I've been in those pits where the anhedonia (useful word) is so strong nothing can dig me out of it.

as with most pieces of advice, this one may not be valid if you are a psychopath

The only thing I have been doing is playing video games, which doesn't require me to enjoy it so much as to shoot things.

please, like murderous desires are the sole province of psychopaths

i stand chastised, please don't murder me

i'm sure it's probably the mega-infection that I came down with that I'm still taking anti-biotics for largely overriding my brain functions, but lord, for me depression lately is being unable to quit projecting my own personal self-loathing onto my peers and assuming they feel the same way.

went to a wedding last night and had a good time and ran into a lot of friends, but as thrilled as I was to be there, it felt like a anxiety-inducing chore at the same time. miss the days where I could have ended the prior sentence after "good time".

Feeling low enough today that I broke and poured a drink at my desk. This just hurts.

we have a small makeshift scotch bar in the corner of the office i'm in & its a temptation i often have, especially bc last week i cried (albeit quietly) at my desk not once but twice due to sudden waves of grief and bleakness

hang in there dude

When I went to see my doctor last week -- because I suddenly felt like I had fallen into a pit -- she doubled my lexapro dosage and gave me the name of a psychologist. I haven't seen a psych doctor since I was 17 years old. I left him a vm today and am almost hoping he doesn't call me back. Don't know if I;m ready for therapy.

Phil, surviving a relative's cancer is something that knocks the stuffing out of even the toughest people - and from what I've seen you write, you probably spent a lot of your tough-person reserves on helping your cousin out in his last days. The psychiatrist has likely seen hundreds/thousands of versions of you, and it's better to go talk to him now rather than bottle it up, because that bottling-up has a horrible tendency to blow up years down the line - especially if you're one of those people who're all I'M FINE or NOT READY. Good luck.

word, suzy

Yeah that is super super true. Good luck, Phil.

otm.

Really woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, nearly called in sick but I already did that a few weeks ago so fought the impulse. Was 45 mins late getting in anyway, but I have a ready-made excuse for that what with current public transport issues so I just blamed it on that. Still feel a bit cloudy-headed but I think it's starting to lift now.

One of the most wearying things about this condition is knowing it's never going to get any better. Never going away. Just look at my mum and see her going through the same things or worse, at least I can hold down a job. Sorry for rambling.

been reminding myself this week to never take for granted those times when life doesn't feel like a waking nightmare

God, if someone could just give me something distracting to do for one second. Please? I can't stand to live in my head any more.

i'm leaning on netflix

compulsive video gaming

I've been playing agar.io obsessively. The knowledge that I'm playing against other human beings but don't have to interact with or hear them is soothing.

Of course playing a game where blobs eat other blobs and then giant blobs go around eating tiny blobs just makes me think about capitalism and

Agar.io is pretty good but I'm crap at it, I just get eaten really fast.

I can't do competitive games during depression cos then if I start losing it just feeds into it worse.

in my 20s I would basically fire up Giorgio Moroder's "Scarface" theme on permanent repeat and play GTA: Vice City and just blow up everybody and everything with cheat codes for a half hour, was surprisingly therapeutic.

sports are my primary distraction from the mess in my head; I'm trying to learn the premier league rn and make it my fourth sport

soccer's great for that cos of the continuous play, no downtime to fall back on unwanted thoughts.

in the same vein as GTA, also been leaning on dumb action movies

xp interesting, didn't even think of that

in my 20s I would basically fire up Giorgio Moroder's "Scarface" theme on permanent repeat and play GTA: Vice City and just blow up everybody and everything with cheat codes for a half hour, was surprisingly therapeutic.

This sounds great. I am very very angry all the time and having the ability to destroy things without actually destroying things would be good. I don't like action movies, though.

professional sport and video games are all that keeps me going most weeks tbh

Video games.

YMMV but I watch a lot of episodes of a TV show I find soothing in either content (Star Trek Voyager works well for me here) or format (Law and Order) or read genre fiction, either Star Trek books, Discworld books, or like the silliest Victorian werewolf and vampire romance type stuff I can find. The less like real life and the goofier the better. Also any sci-fi/spec fic type of TV show that has a rabid tumblr fanbase is usually escapist enough to get me going. Sherlock worked really well for the first three seasons. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell is pretty much getting me through my late summer blues this year.

I don't like sports and I'm crap at most video games. I tried playing Final Fantasy something or other a few summers ago and that worked pretty well until it actually got hard (for me) and then I just got frustrated and felt irrationally betrayed that my escape of choice turned on me like that.

I find Star Trek particularly therapeutic because of the built-in optimism, although I avoid TOS because it's sexist and makes me feel like shit and DS9 because it's too gritty and realistic (although fantastic). But TNG and Voyager are fabulous, as are the movies, at least up through First Contact.

but don't you find Sisko's fretting about the FATE of the ALPHA QUANDRANT resting in OUR HANDS soothing

Depends on how much my current state of mind is due to my (irrational) fretting about the FATE of EARTH resting in MY HANDS. I do find Avery Brooks' voice to be incredibly soothing, though. I wonder if he's narrated any audiobooks...

Had my first session with the shrink yesterday. We will see how this goes. He already told me that it seems like I use my fatalastic/nihilistic view of life/death/the universe to protect myself from finding out why I can't experience happiness or discover meaning in things. Uplifting!

I don't know if it helps, but the trick for me has been to realize that a nihilistic worldview and happiness/meaning are not necessarily mutually exclusive. It's possible to both believe that nothing in the universe has any inherent meaning or purpose or value and also to consciously instill your own sense of value on people/relationships/places/things/interactions/states of being and find happiness from the presence of those valued things in your life. Also, cling tenaciously to your recursive layers of desire to be well. When I wasn't well, and in that moment didn't particularly care about being well, I knew that there was some part of me that wanted to want to be well because it was a preoccupation on some level. Seeking help is a good sign. Want to want to be well until you want to be well until you're well.

When you hate yourself, you're kind of amazed that others might care for you, and you and up punishing them for this flaw in their judgments. A very pernicious cycle.

sounds about right

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/09/ask-polly-how-do-i-help-my-selfish-friend.html

writer asks for help dealing w/ depressed friend who can't be helped

columnist focuses on the innate core character 'some people' supposedly have

I'm a big fan of long-term friend loyalty. And I'm a big believer in talking things out. I've always had faith that you can sit down with an old friend, air your grievances, and come away feeling more committed to the friendship. In general, I think friends give up on each other too easily, before they have a chance to listen and be understood.

But at some point I think we're all forced to accept that some people are just too selfish to tolerate. It's not just that they never give back the same attention and understanding that you give them. It's not just that they blame you every single time you step a millimeter outside of the highly subjective boundaries of what they personally consider acceptable behavior. It's not just that, when you do push them to listen or support you a little, they almost immediately shift the focus back to their own problems. It's not even that they become defensive when you dare to suggest a new path or new perspective, or that they take every suggestion as such a personal insult that they feel the need to lash out with personal insults of their own in response. All of these things are irritating, mind you. But the worst part is their total lack of gratitude.

never comes back to depression, never considers the possibility that depression in particular saps your feelings of gratitude and damages the possibility of feeling any at all

i dunno. i don't really consider lashing out/throwing tantrums/being self-centered at happy hour symptoms of depression so much as symptoms of being an asshole. and even if depression *is* the cause, it doesn't make too much difference to the friend who's being treated like shit

it's easier to blame someone for being selfish than to be empathetic about their depression, especially when you can just gloss over the particulars of said 'friend's' situation

also assholes are perfectly fine IMO so long as there's a way for you to tell them very directly that you think they're being an asshole

The letter writer expressly says her friend has become "depressed over the past year", then goes on to describe her behavior. After reading how her friend is acting, I'd say the letter writer was using "depressed" very loosely to mean her friend is deeply unhappy. From what I read her unhappiness doesn't look like real depression at all, but rather like someone who is full of barely suppressed anger.

hard to say from the details we're given. not liking this columnist, but I admit this part rings true:

When you grow up in the company of someone with a severe personality disorder and you love that person in spite of everything, you feel haunted by a need to protect that person from reality. This is the very definition of unhealthy, but it's such a powerful force in so many of our lives.

Well, I think my plan to alienate my friends is working.