Depression and what it's really like

oh and reading back what you said about sleep and such - giving things up you love/need is fucking hard, maybe your brain and body have to just wrestle with that for a while and the pay-off is this downtime?

i talked to the doc about anti-deps today--first time in...6 years? woof. should be waiting for me at the pharmacy when i get off work.

good luck, hood

hoos*

good luck!

Hoos you got this

best of luck to you man, for real

so here's something interesting

i've tried this SSRI before and some familiar side effects are hitting me--heavy muscle tension in legs, shoulders, neck, constant jaw clenching. the muscle tension is making me move a little stiffly until i become conscious of it and adjust; the feeling is a little "robotic," and it just hit me that 10 years ago i wouldn't have had the presence of mind to recognize this as just muscle tension. it would have been "i don't like this--i feel like a robot." but i don't feel like a robot. i'm just tense, and entirely capable of relaxing myself.

doctor's advice was "you'll likely get hit with some of this early on, i'd advise you to wait out the month & when it's time for a refill we can discuss if they're still strong enough that you want to adjust"

so that's the plan

the perspicacity of age paying off for a hoos

at one point i had a confluence of very bad events that put me into a severe depression. i saw a doctor who prescribed meds. i took them for about four months and it totally fished me out from the bottom of the pool. if you're feeling unable to go on, see a doctor. it could work.

i've been grappling with whether to do this myself for the last few weeks. i am certainly the most depressed i've ever been but...i feel this way because a lot of shitty stuff happened in my life? is it right to medicate in this situation? i guess the general advice in this thread seems to be to go for it .

imo "i am certainly the most depressed i've ever been" is a good reason to see a doctor, ESPECIALLY (not in spite of) "a lot of shitty stuff happened in my life".
My gf's father just died so she's started seeing a therapist. her mother is taking antidepressants and sleep medication with the intention of setting a timetable to get off it. I think that medication and therapy to counteract particular life lows when you can't overcome them on your own is absolutely the right way to go if you're finding your work / personal life severely suffering. That's what it's for!

i think of meds as being like those robot exoskeletons that are in development to help people like dockworkers move big items singlehandedly - meds are basically tools to help lighten the load and let you get shit done without hurting yourself

That's a great analogy

great and also setting me spinning on something something capitalism but i'll save that for another thread lol

I definitely need to recalibrate my meds, I've been on Paxil for ages and ages with workable/sustainable life results but this year things have taken a serious turn for the worse in both the depression and anxiety depts. suspect an increase in my 30mg dose will not be the ticket and I may be in need of a non ssri

worst episode in over ten years. *after* i started the wellbutrin. idgi.

realizing (again) that it's hard for me to connect with people about anything if i can't talk to them about the central thing i struggle with all day. so trying to be more open about it, even with people i'm not comfortable falling apart around.

great and also setting me spinning on something something capitalism but i'll save that for another thread lol

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, July 30, 2015 11:22 AM (40 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol i feel you maybe. good luck out there.

Yeah for sure. I reigned in a long tirade about capitalism as the root of much anxiety (after an article about how rents are getting really high in Chicago gave me a nice little anxiety attack to start my day) just this morning.

the stress is too damn high

otm

Sozialistisches Patientenkollektiv

v sorry about your gf's dad forks.

i know that perspective is within reach and there are moments when i can step back and see that my life isn't so bad. but those moments don't last too long right now.

thx for the good wishes.

best wishes to all the ILXors feeling depressed, forks, HOOS,Jon (if I missed anybody I apologize).

I wouldn't say I suffer from depression primarily, but as my therapist pointed out, anxiety MAKES me depressed at its worst. Right now though I've hit a wall where I basically think so little of myself I am becoming a doormat again. I had some progress - there were two potential erm 'romantic' interests who I had red flags about and instead of ignoring the warning signs, I took them and declined to be with either. So that's progress. But I still tend to feel like I'm wrong about everything and tend to assume everything is my fault, which only tends to happen when I'm going through one of these periods. Oddly, the anxiety, while there, is more manageable than the depression at this point. Though the latter doesn't seem to interfere with my day to day life than the former so, I'll take it?

the real problem is that no sooner than I was coming out of the situation re: work stress (which is COMPLETELY a non-issue now - after moving back to my old position, I love my job again), my dad lost his job for about the 4th time in like....a year, and because of the predicament he once again got them into (as after his bankruptcy, he amassed so much debt that he put himself in a position where they can barely get by), he's now living on my couch temporarily, with my mother joining him next month and getting their own place. they applied for one, but I'm terrified that their credit won't get them approved or they'll not be able to afford it and put me in a position where I either have to loan them money or tell them "no" and feel terrible about it (even if it's the right move).

the main issue is I really have a lot of resentment for my dad that I wish I'd gotten out in the past. He is manipulative where my mother is not. When he does something wrong, he likes to couch it in a way that makes you feel sorry for *him* - ie always saying "your dad is an asshole". When you don't reply, he'll say "I notice you didn't disagree there" (I don't play that game with him). He acknowledges his role in his current financial position, but only in a posturing sense - if you were to *actually* criticize his actions, he would get defensive in a heartbeat. He whines and moans about "handouts" and "socialism" in the government...and has borrowed 5k from me over the last 15 years that's gone unrepaid (I've managed to save up a sizeable chunk despitei t, but I could have paid down some debt significantly with this money).

As long as he's living with me, and I'm not only not getting the privacy I'm used to, but around someone that tends to agitate me after I spend more than 3 days with him, I'm probably going to remain in a state of stress. Once he's gone, think I'll probably feel better.

Any help I give him now is strictly for the sake of my mother, who I'm now convinced was the victim of his mismanagement and has now rightfully taken the reins of their money and is telling him what he can and can't spend. and judging what he maxed out a credit card on (mostly HARRIS TEETER - wtf do you spend $5,000 on there in 2 months), that's a good thing.

sorry for ranting....therapeutic ya know.

(if it wasn't clear, the debt he amassed was AFTER his bankruptcy, and mosto f his debt was wiped clean. he basically did the same thing that caused his bankruptcy the first time - using debt to pay other debt, taking vacations when he couldn't afford them, doing things he couldn't afford cos he felt entitled to it, etc)....

good vibes to ilxors, posting mainly to say thank you bizarro gazzara for this

i think of meds as being like those robot exoskeletons

my attitude towards future rounds of medication will be greatly improved by imagining myself as Ripley donning the exosuit

heh, i've thought the same thing myself - kind of a helpful mindset to be in tbh

Thoughts out to you all. Its been many years since I posted here. I was pretty unwell and often drunk for most of it. In NZ we have a very limited mental healthcare system, you have to be basically criminally insane to get beyond a GP and unfortunately the diagnosis and understanding of mental health issues is what you would expect from a generalist, when a specialist is often required.

I stumbled on this idea of "demand resistance" here recently

https://littlengine.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/demand-resistance-absolutely/

I have no idea if its legit but rang true for me and it seems to help me a little, "All “shoulds” and “have tos” are absolutely banned from my cognitive premises. Only “wants” allowed".

Have a read it may give you another little tool.

Take care folks.

hi kiwi and best wishes

from your link:

I’ve always wondered, “What on earth is my problem? Why can’t I work?” I mean any kind of work, job-related, housework, cooking, or even just reading. As soon as I decide I want to do something, I turn against it and, as easy as cake, find at least a dozen reasons why I WON’T and CAN’T do it. I’ve sabotaged actual and potential jobs, lucrative projects, the cleanliness of my house, and of course my intellectual capacities (through not reading).

This is so totally me tbh. Though the childhood background isn't really me and I make lots of excuses for not getting stuff done to the point that it's hard to tell which excuse is closest to the underlying aversion (am I rejecting "shoulds", am I scared of failure/being bad at stuff/letting people down, am I so easily distracted because I have ADHD or because noises set off my anxiety or is it just one of the first two options kicking in?).

Anyway. Anyone else got any tools against this?

ouch, a lot of stuff in that post rings v true for me.

same here

I am not depressed but I have some very self-sabotaging behaviours. That was one of the most illuminating short reads I've ever come across. Thank you.

Bloody hell. "Noises set off my anxiety" is a good shorthand for how I experience so much of this.

http://www.warrelics.eu/forum/attachments/german-soldiers-trench-art/40026d1243555975-achtung-minen-2637156.jpg

rollercoasting enough to post an image to the depression thread :(

didn't leave the apartment all weekend; shouldn't have left today

still time

When you’re always listening for demands or orders, you’re not in tune with what you want, and, thus, who you are.

Ah yes. Believing in Christianity really seriously as a kid did this to me. It took me until mid-adulthood to even SEE the damage so I could work to undo it. The self-destructive smothering of my feelings, silencing of my intuition. I feel like it warped me from pre-adolescence until, fuck, probably my 30s.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/08/why-depression-needs-a-new-definition/399902/

that piece ended sooner than i hoped

yeah

“depression is the inability to construct a future,”

yeah i "liked" that idea too

hits close to home

Ever since I went to California to take care of my cousin, and especially since I got home and he died, my depression has sunk to all time lows. Part of it is that I haven't even had a chance to properly grieve -- because of a lot of behind-the scenes crap I don't want to get into, I've been very heavily involved nearly every single day in dealing with his apartment, his belongings, accounts, etc. The long and short of it is that a) I've put on about 25 pounds in the last four months and b) my doc had to DOUBLE my Lexapro just to allow me to get out of bed in the mornings.

I told my wife the other day that I don't even want to watch TV or read because I'm so depressed and anhedonic I don't want to not enjoy it. I basically work, eat and sleep.

the love and rockets quote from Rosalba that "deprethion ith anything that keepth you from doing what you want to do" plays in my head about twice a day; seems like a useful touchstone

Phil <3

http://www.lexaloffle.com/bbs/?tid=2232&pid=12311&autoplay=1#pp

xp forks: eh, but what if i genuinely want to go out and murder a bunch of random people? that's not depression! ..or is it...

Phil: sorry dude that sounds awful; a lot of times I feel like being able to enjoy such things is the only thing that keeps me going, and I've been in those pits where the anhedonia (useful word) is so strong nothing can dig me out of it.

as with most pieces of advice, this one may not be valid if you are a psychopath

The only thing I have been doing is playing video games, which doesn't require me to enjoy it so much as to shoot things.