Depression and what it's really like

I'm ok with not a ton of sleep, because I can usually read or write or watch a game that's on if I can't sleep but I def have trouble getting to it, which sometimes (not always) leads to drinking a bunch to knock myself out and that's just alcohol sleep which isn't really productive from a body sense

I usually sleep 5 and a half a night, maybe more if I got messed up, including weekends

i'm averaging about 4 hrs a night right now - sometimes less, infrequently a little more. it's enough to be functioning, but little enough that i feel dumbed-down and foggy and just exhausted all the time.

the thing is, i don't really care. before i got on meds, the depression i'd been experiencing for a year was a lot of crying, feeling really sad and worthless and just straight up miserable, as well as insomnia at about the same level i've had the last few months. now i mostly feel indifferent - like, i know i'm still depressed bc i kinda want to just blink out of existence, and i think everything ever is just pointless, but i don't really have any strong feelings about it. it's not constant, and i'm not actually suicidal/thinking about ways to die or anything, but it's how i mostly feel day to day.

i'll third the suggestion that you do seek out a psychiatrist and figure out if some meds can help.

and remember it may take a couple of tries to find the right meds, so don't bail if the first time out doesn't work right!

stay with us, please!

at one point i had a confluence of very bad events that put me into a severe depression. i saw a doctor who prescribed meds. i took them for about four months and it totally fished me out from the bottom of the pool. if you're feeling unable to go on, see a doctor. it could work.

I'm gonna call my therapist and try to get back on her schedule - it might take a bit bc it's a mental health clinic not a private practice so have to do intake all over again - and go from there, discuss the possibility of meds

thanks for the kind words, folks. I really appreciate it.

i think there's something to be said for taking medication as a way of taking control and not feeling additional angst about not dealing with yr depression

When my life went off the rails several years back, I'm fairly sure that the straw that broke my particular camel's back was losing my psych support at a time when I needed it most (I hastily quit my job and then lost my insurance in the wake of numerous hard knocks). If you have access to it, by all means take advantage.

i started taking medication almost exactly a year ago and it was a revelation. i'd absolutely been of the opinion that meds are overprescibed, but i'd been depressed and anxious for so long that i'd kind of forgotten that it wasn't normal to spend every waking hour feeling totally worthless.

after a few weeks of medication that fog lifted and i could finally get some perspective on my life and see that my life had all kinds of positives that i'd been wilfully overlooking and i've felt infinitely more positive and capable ever since. it's definitely worth giving medication a try - if you're already at the stage of 'i don't want to be alive tonight' then the only way is up, right?

therapist def seems like a step in the right direction. rooting for u :)

yeah, good call man. it'll improve.

I know I've been making progress because instead of "fuck, how I'm I going to get through this?" my default is "I know I can get through this, but what is it going to cost me in terms of physical/mental health and years off the end of my life." Worst thing about it is that the state of things right now is actually pretty great - it's the whole "I don't deserve anything" and zeroing in on apocalypse stories du jour. Stupid middle-age - it's when you notice the environment around you is changing into a world you're not used to. I would love to see an alternate-universe version of The Prisoner in which the lead is the first spy to have been settled into The Village - bitchin place overlooking the beach, enough room to take the Aston Martin out for a spin, a cool bar in town that has Bartok on the jukebox and doesn't care if you sit there all day, four whiskeys and a constant re-read of The Outsider. And then all the other goddamn spies show up and gentrify the place. Oooooh they're fucking special - they all have secrets and have to be babied and taken care of. Back in the old day they bloody well shot you and that was that. Now they've got their insane marching music that won't shut up, cult self-empowerment, Completely intolerable.

We recently discovered a divey arcade game bar on Western Ave. in Koreatown. The return-on-investment with cheap drinks and $10 in quarters has far exceeded the last six months of therapy.

re-reading this thread has made it hit me: quitting drinking has brought my depression back. in the last two months i've rolled back to 3-4 hours of sleep a night, eating more poorly than ever, poorer hygiene, total lack of interest or motivation to do the things i love to do (and at a time where i'm probably most needed in many respects)

i'm seeing a doctor this week for other reasons, i should talk about this too.

it might depend on how/where you drink, but for me total abstinence proved near-intolerable because i missed the company of a good night out. i've had to recalibrate to try and make sure i just have the odd good night out rather than an endless succession of blurry and painful nights out. it seems to be working tbh.

yeah i've been very careful about a gradual "reduction in forces" rather than cold turkey--even gotten myself into the habit of club soda at my local bar so i can still catch up with the regulars and get some writing done--i'll be down to No Drinks Altogether by next week, and hopefully that'll help me calibrate myself better against whatever (if anything) i get prescribed in the next week or so. never intended to be Total Work Stoppage for All Time, just enough to reassert my own control over the thing that had become a crutch.

yeah i had to go down to zero before i could get any kind of control. and those cravings at zero can be very hard to wrestle with - but you have a plan, and that's the thing to focus on i guess when the little booze voice starts nagging away. looking beyond the immediate - the hardest thing for anybody depressed or craving. but it can help. wishing you just enough strength to make it where you wanna be Hoos.

oh and reading back what you said about sleep and such - giving things up you love/need is fucking hard, maybe your brain and body have to just wrestle with that for a while and the pay-off is this downtime?

i talked to the doc about anti-deps today--first time in...6 years? woof. should be waiting for me at the pharmacy when i get off work.

good luck, hood

hoos*

good luck!

Hoos you got this

best of luck to you man, for real

so here's something interesting

i've tried this SSRI before and some familiar side effects are hitting me--heavy muscle tension in legs, shoulders, neck, constant jaw clenching. the muscle tension is making me move a little stiffly until i become conscious of it and adjust; the feeling is a little "robotic," and it just hit me that 10 years ago i wouldn't have had the presence of mind to recognize this as just muscle tension. it would have been "i don't like this--i feel like a robot." but i don't feel like a robot. i'm just tense, and entirely capable of relaxing myself.

doctor's advice was "you'll likely get hit with some of this early on, i'd advise you to wait out the month & when it's time for a refill we can discuss if they're still strong enough that you want to adjust"

so that's the plan

the perspicacity of age paying off for a hoos

at one point i had a confluence of very bad events that put me into a severe depression. i saw a doctor who prescribed meds. i took them for about four months and it totally fished me out from the bottom of the pool. if you're feeling unable to go on, see a doctor. it could work.

i've been grappling with whether to do this myself for the last few weeks. i am certainly the most depressed i've ever been but...i feel this way because a lot of shitty stuff happened in my life? is it right to medicate in this situation? i guess the general advice in this thread seems to be to go for it .

imo "i am certainly the most depressed i've ever been" is a good reason to see a doctor, ESPECIALLY (not in spite of) "a lot of shitty stuff happened in my life".
My gf's father just died so she's started seeing a therapist. her mother is taking antidepressants and sleep medication with the intention of setting a timetable to get off it. I think that medication and therapy to counteract particular life lows when you can't overcome them on your own is absolutely the right way to go if you're finding your work / personal life severely suffering. That's what it's for!

i think of meds as being like those robot exoskeletons that are in development to help people like dockworkers move big items singlehandedly - meds are basically tools to help lighten the load and let you get shit done without hurting yourself

That's a great analogy

great and also setting me spinning on something something capitalism but i'll save that for another thread lol

I definitely need to recalibrate my meds, I've been on Paxil for ages and ages with workable/sustainable life results but this year things have taken a serious turn for the worse in both the depression and anxiety depts. suspect an increase in my 30mg dose will not be the ticket and I may be in need of a non ssri

worst episode in over ten years. *after* i started the wellbutrin. idgi.

realizing (again) that it's hard for me to connect with people about anything if i can't talk to them about the central thing i struggle with all day. so trying to be more open about it, even with people i'm not comfortable falling apart around.

great and also setting me spinning on something something capitalism but i'll save that for another thread lol

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, July 30, 2015 11:22 AM (40 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol i feel you maybe. good luck out there.

Yeah for sure. I reigned in a long tirade about capitalism as the root of much anxiety (after an article about how rents are getting really high in Chicago gave me a nice little anxiety attack to start my day) just this morning.

the stress is too damn high

otm

Sozialistisches Patientenkollektiv

v sorry about your gf's dad forks.

i know that perspective is within reach and there are moments when i can step back and see that my life isn't so bad. but those moments don't last too long right now.

thx for the good wishes.

best wishes to all the ILXors feeling depressed, forks, HOOS,Jon (if I missed anybody I apologize).

I wouldn't say I suffer from depression primarily, but as my therapist pointed out, anxiety MAKES me depressed at its worst. Right now though I've hit a wall where I basically think so little of myself I am becoming a doormat again. I had some progress - there were two potential erm 'romantic' interests who I had red flags about and instead of ignoring the warning signs, I took them and declined to be with either. So that's progress. But I still tend to feel like I'm wrong about everything and tend to assume everything is my fault, which only tends to happen when I'm going through one of these periods. Oddly, the anxiety, while there, is more manageable than the depression at this point. Though the latter doesn't seem to interfere with my day to day life than the former so, I'll take it?

the real problem is that no sooner than I was coming out of the situation re: work stress (which is COMPLETELY a non-issue now - after moving back to my old position, I love my job again), my dad lost his job for about the 4th time in like....a year, and because of the predicament he once again got them into (as after his bankruptcy, he amassed so much debt that he put himself in a position where they can barely get by), he's now living on my couch temporarily, with my mother joining him next month and getting their own place. they applied for one, but I'm terrified that their credit won't get them approved or they'll not be able to afford it and put me in a position where I either have to loan them money or tell them "no" and feel terrible about it (even if it's the right move).

the main issue is I really have a lot of resentment for my dad that I wish I'd gotten out in the past. He is manipulative where my mother is not. When he does something wrong, he likes to couch it in a way that makes you feel sorry for *him* - ie always saying "your dad is an asshole". When you don't reply, he'll say "I notice you didn't disagree there" (I don't play that game with him). He acknowledges his role in his current financial position, but only in a posturing sense - if you were to *actually* criticize his actions, he would get defensive in a heartbeat. He whines and moans about "handouts" and "socialism" in the government...and has borrowed 5k from me over the last 15 years that's gone unrepaid (I've managed to save up a sizeable chunk despitei t, but I could have paid down some debt significantly with this money).

As long as he's living with me, and I'm not only not getting the privacy I'm used to, but around someone that tends to agitate me after I spend more than 3 days with him, I'm probably going to remain in a state of stress. Once he's gone, think I'll probably feel better.

Any help I give him now is strictly for the sake of my mother, who I'm now convinced was the victim of his mismanagement and has now rightfully taken the reins of their money and is telling him what he can and can't spend. and judging what he maxed out a credit card on (mostly HARRIS TEETER - wtf do you spend $5,000 on there in 2 months), that's a good thing.

sorry for ranting....therapeutic ya know.

(if it wasn't clear, the debt he amassed was AFTER his bankruptcy, and mosto f his debt was wiped clean. he basically did the same thing that caused his bankruptcy the first time - using debt to pay other debt, taking vacations when he couldn't afford them, doing things he couldn't afford cos he felt entitled to it, etc)....

good vibes to ilxors, posting mainly to say thank you bizarro gazzara for this

i think of meds as being like those robot exoskeletons

my attitude towards future rounds of medication will be greatly improved by imagining myself as Ripley donning the exosuit

heh, i've thought the same thing myself - kind of a helpful mindset to be in tbh

Thoughts out to you all. Its been many years since I posted here. I was pretty unwell and often drunk for most of it. In NZ we have a very limited mental healthcare system, you have to be basically criminally insane to get beyond a GP and unfortunately the diagnosis and understanding of mental health issues is what you would expect from a generalist, when a specialist is often required.

I stumbled on this idea of "demand resistance" here recently

https://littlengine.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/demand-resistance-absolutely/

I have no idea if its legit but rang true for me and it seems to help me a little, "All “shoulds” and “have tos” are absolutely banned from my cognitive premises. Only “wants” allowed".

Have a read it may give you another little tool.

Take care folks.

hi kiwi and best wishes

from your link:

I’ve always wondered, “What on earth is my problem? Why can’t I work?” I mean any kind of work, job-related, housework, cooking, or even just reading. As soon as I decide I want to do something, I turn against it and, as easy as cake, find at least a dozen reasons why I WON’T and CAN’T do it. I’ve sabotaged actual and potential jobs, lucrative projects, the cleanliness of my house, and of course my intellectual capacities (through not reading).

This is so totally me tbh. Though the childhood background isn't really me and I make lots of excuses for not getting stuff done to the point that it's hard to tell which excuse is closest to the underlying aversion (am I rejecting "shoulds", am I scared of failure/being bad at stuff/letting people down, am I so easily distracted because I have ADHD or because noises set off my anxiety or is it just one of the first two options kicking in?).

Anyway. Anyone else got any tools against this?

ouch, a lot of stuff in that post rings v true for me.

same here

I am not depressed but I have some very self-sabotaging behaviours. That was one of the most illuminating short reads I've ever come across. Thank you.

Bloody hell. "Noises set off my anxiety" is a good shorthand for how I experience so much of this.

http://www.warrelics.eu/forum/attachments/german-soldiers-trench-art/40026d1243555975-achtung-minen-2637156.jpg

rollercoasting enough to post an image to the depression thread :(