ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

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I assume when you have three you let the oldest child be in charge of the other two. Parenting over!

Οὖτις, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:46 (four years ago) link

im dying here w/ 2, it is intense

my mom had 5 and i just can't even comprehend that

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:48 (four years ago) link

i think maybe people who say the jump to 3 is not a big deal is maybe because at that point the older ones are a little more manageable since they are older?

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:49 (four years ago) link

also some of you may recall i mentioned J's autism diagnosis on the previous thread, things were super stressful for a long while especially after F's birth but things do seem to be falling into place a little w/ his services and planning for preschool next year. we found some really incredible home-based therapists and b/c of his diagnosis J also got offered a spot at one of our city's best public schools allowing us to bypass some of the anxiety-inducing byzantine lottery process. one benefit i guess to having a kid with special needs. also J is just doing amazingly well right now and we've seen so much growth and progress, it is really hopeful.

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:54 (four years ago) link

Oh good! That's good to hear.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:21 (four years ago) link

Thanks for the update Marcos, that's good to hear.
My friend with 3 kids says the jump to 3 is the craziest ever. You only have 2 hands for a start!

kinder, Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:44 (four years ago) link

Yeah I've heard that 3 is the hardest - harder than two, harder than four.

LOL survey says -

I think we'll stick with one to be on the safe side.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:58 (four years ago) link

I would add "Put on your shoes" to this list.

Immediate Follower (NA), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:11 (four years ago) link

Ivy's only 19 months so some of those don't apply but we're already well on our way with "Careful," "You're fine," and "Don't eat that."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:16 (four years ago) link

yeah I dunno with #3, #1 was already 6 years old, so didn't need the kind of management that newborns do, and got along well with #2 so our lives were fine. plus we knew what we were doing by that point, at least as well as we ever were going to. but when #2 was born...I don't know how we survived tbh

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:44 (four years ago) link

Oh god, "careful!" is getting a lot of use now, as well as the related "gentle hands!" F's top three words are "no", "nono" and "nonononononono".

Madchen, Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:55 (four years ago) link

"Did you take another bite of your dinner yet?"

how's life, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:03 (four years ago) link

Ivy's daycare teachers use the Spanish "linda" to mean "nicely," which Ivy picked up on early so we say that instead of "gentle hands." And we say that a lot... Also my mom's old favorite: People are not for hitting. People are for loving. Usually said through gritted teeth after Ivy smacks my glasses off my face.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:15 (four years ago) link

our perfect granddaughter, who always slept through the night even from birth and has never been the slightest bit difficult during year one, has FINALLY has her first tantrum, tried to scratch her mom with her little fingernails. we breathed a sigh of relief tbh, thank god she's not some pod person experiment and is actually human.

I have a couple of new Isolde pics as well, will post later

sleeve, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:31 (four years ago) link

Damn straight.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 22:00 (four years ago) link

"gentle hands" wtf does that mean, like what is the situation

transparent play for gifs (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:47 (four years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:48 (four years ago) link

ime it is another way of saying "don't scratch my fucking face, boy"

marcos, Friday, 17 July 2015 00:06 (four years ago) link

Yeah like "don't hit scratch slap pinch me/your dad/this other child/the cat."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Friday, 17 July 2015 00:39 (four years ago) link

"What did I just say?" is another thing I say a lot.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 July 2015 02:39 (four years ago) link

I've been trying to get a little more real about "rules" lately, especially with eating, e.g. I keep repeating "we don't get something else until we finish what we have," because she has a really annoying habit of asking for something, taking a few bites and then asking for another thing. Also trying to stop snacks in the stroller and carseat so she'll actually eat her goddamn meals instead of snacking all the time, but that one is challenging (because on the morning where she DOESN'T eat her goddamn breakfast, you feel guilty sending her to school hungry).

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (four years ago) link

Also we have a grandparent who sees her every week and undermines all this

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (four years ago) link

gah, that thing when your newborn is finally asleep and completely quiet and then you keep checking every twenty minutes to make sure they're alive.

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:02 (four years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:19 (four years ago) link

double congratulations, man alive!

estela, Friday, 17 July 2015 05:28 (four years ago) link

small man still alive

wisdom be leakin out my louche douche truths (k3vin k.), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:29 (four years ago) link

So I may have missed something, but I think Nora only woke at midnight and 3am last night. It's 7am now and she's still asleep. And it's Em's birthday.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:18 (four years ago) link

Ha, I slept straight through a 5am waking..,

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:24 (four years ago) link

Happy birthday Em. I was just thinking I hadn't seen her over at the other place for a while. If it's any consolation, our sleep has gone back into a bad pattern after having a really good thing going for a couple of months. Hoping we find that groove again.

kinder, Friday, 17 July 2015 08:33 (four years ago) link

We are in a good patch - a whole fortnight of sleeping right through. Oh please, please, please let that be it.

Madchen, Friday, 17 July 2015 08:36 (four years ago) link

One day Molly will start sleeping through. Maybe when she starts school in September, maybe that will tire her out so much that if she stirs she'll just drop off again, rather than padding through to our room.

vickyp, Friday, 17 July 2015 09:13 (four years ago) link

My sister-in-law is in the hospital giving birth to twins right now, and my sister's water just broke. I could have three nieces/nephews born on the same day.

Immediate Follower (NA), Friday, 17 July 2015 15:56 (four years ago) link

Woah!!! That's so awesome, NA

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Friday, 17 July 2015 15:59 (four years ago) link

Big birthday parties in your future

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Friday, 17 July 2015 16:00 (four years ago) link

Babbies everywhere!

difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 July 2015 16:05 (four years ago) link

Yay babies!!!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Friday, 17 July 2015 16:57 (four years ago) link

So our least favorite daycare teacher let Ivy play outside in the hot hot heat while wearing a dirty dirty diaper (Ivy, not the teacher) and then let her hang out in her hot dirty diaper for who knows how long because her "coworker forgot to remind her to change diapers," which you know what, fuck you, lady, (we're changing daycare in August so I opted not to make a big deal just in case this asshole decided to make Ivy's last weeks difficult) but point being Ivy has some wiiiiicked diaper rash rn.

The best cure for diaper rash being to air out the booty, she was spending some time going commando around the living room. I was keeping an eye on her because the last time we indulged in post-bath naked baby time she peed on the floor a little yet I somehow missed the immanent Number Two until I spied an actual turd creeping out from between her cheeks (I yelled "Oh shit! Literally!" of which I am inordinately proud). Luckily I was folding laundry at the time and had the presence of mind to grab a pair of underpants to catch the turd before it fell onto the white chair Ivy was standing on so it could have been worse.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Saturday, 18 July 2015 21:50 (four years ago) link

Anyway toddler parenting achievement unlocked: I caught a fresh turd.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Saturday, 18 July 2015 21:51 (four years ago) link


schwantz, Saturday, 18 July 2015 21:52 (four years ago) link

lol thank you

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Saturday, 18 July 2015 21:58 (four years ago) link

I remember pulling out a fresh hot turd from the ass of one of our kids when s/he was constipated

droit au butt (Euler), Saturday, 18 July 2015 22:10 (four years ago) link

Hehe, giggling aloud, thanks Ivy.

Madchen, Saturday, 18 July 2015 22:12 (four years ago) link

now there's a girl scout badge

difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 18 July 2015 22:31 (four years ago) link


I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Saturday, 18 July 2015 23:34 (four years ago) link

my baby poops yellow dippin' dots. i gather this is normal and good.

an asteroid could hit the planet (Sufjan Grafton), Sunday, 19 July 2015 00:16 (four years ago) link

time to rent a mall kiosk, i guess

an asteroid could hit the planet (Sufjan Grafton), Sunday, 19 July 2015 00:17 (four years ago) link

New baby poop is a wonderland of weirdness.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Sunday, 19 July 2015 03:58 (four years ago) link

Also congratulations!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Sunday, 19 July 2015 03:58 (four years ago) link

When we started trying solid food we had a couple episodes where Cecil wouldn't poop for three days then produce what looked like solid perfectly round golf ball made of feces and lawn clippings. One of these rolled out of the diaper and onto the changing table which was gross but fascinating.

joygoat, Sunday, 19 July 2015 04:59 (four years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 19 July 2015 04:59 (four years ago) link

Congrats Chuck! Sounds very similar to the birth of my daughter, except she finally came out as my wife was on the operating table about to have the emergency C-section.

Lots of fun times ahead but be sure to enjoy every moment as my daughter started secondary school this month and I have absolutely no idea where the time went.

groovypanda, Tuesday, 17 September 2019 07:16 (four months ago) link

Not sure where to put this really, but need to put it somewhere. Since my daughter was born 6 1/2 years ago I have pretty much been one step away from tears the whole time. Everything is both amazing and terrifying and she's so small and vulnerable and I don't know what I'm saying really but it's quite exhausting.

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 02:52 (four months ago) link

Oh man, I'm with you.

☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 11:58 (four months ago) link

The joys of parenting!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 23:50 (four months ago) link

It’s only been a week but totally cosign that

Sometimes when she farts on my lap, I end up laughing so much I have to put her down to stop from shaking her :)

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 19 September 2019 17:18 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

I haven't checked in here in awhile. Got an update to this post from four years ago: ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

the other night he's messing around with an old PSP handheld game, looking through the camera just before bed. "See, Dad, look at this," and he hands me the console. We've got just the one lamp on, so there isn't much to see, especially on that low-res display.

"What, what do you want me to see?" I ask.

"You see all that dark stuff coming out of the walls? THAT'S the stuff that comes to me in my nightmares."

And he's talking about the lousy artifacts you get on a bad camera.

That five-year-old is now a 10-year-old who heard all about freakin' LSD at Red Ribbon Week. Trying to tell me it's like watching a movie that's real, characters coming up to you who aren't really there...

I tell him that "I hear" it's not like that at all. Stuff gets a little wavy, colors get a little vibrant, but Mickey Mouse doesn't knock on your door or anything. Then I remember that PSP game. "Remember what that camera looked like? How you saw stuff in the walls that wasn't there? LSD is more like that than it is 'Alice in Wonderland'."

He thinks for a moment, and then says, "Maybe all our brains are trying to 'see' something that's not there, and that's why life looks like that crappy camera sometimes."

I swear, he's *this* close to figuring it out. Lord knows I haven't yet.

pplains, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 01:26 (two months ago) link

Wtf is red ribbon week

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 02:10 (two months ago) link

I thought it was a USA thing?

Though that's the first time I've heard its origins from a tortured DEA agent.

pplains, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 02:47 (two months ago) link

The red ribbon became their symbol for prevention in order to reduce the demand of illegal drugs. California Congressman Duncan Hunter and teacher David Dhillon launched "Camarena Clubs" in California high schools.

This caught my eye but it's not that Duncan Hunter. (It's his dad!)

tokyo rosemary, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 04:30 (two months ago) link

That's uncomfortably close to Macarena

solos that go widdly widdly widdly (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 23 October 2019 07:19 (two months ago) link

Red Ribbon Week sounds like some bullshit. Do they still have D.A.R.E. too?

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 15:29 (two months ago) link

I posted this on Facebook a while back so sorry for those who have seen it twice.

Me, trying to tell Henry about Snoop Dogg’s (his fave artist and birthday-sake) cover of Nick Cave’s Red Right Hand while his big sister is in earshot:

Henry: Who is Nick Cave?
Me: He’s an Australian singer. He was in a band called The Boys Next Door...
Beatrice: That’s a bad name for a band.
Me:...and then a band called The Birthday Party...
Beatrice: Stupid name! he’s in a band called The Bad Seeds...
Beatrice: Awful!!
Me: ...and Snoop Dogg covered one of his songs.
Beatrice: DISGUSTING!!!!!!
Me: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Right column Leftist (sunny successor), Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:29 (two months ago) link

Wait till she hears about 'Grinderman'!

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:36 (two months ago) link

I tell him that "I hear" it's not like that at all


there was this kids video we'd watch that had this weird glitch where for like, 3-4 seconds all you'd see are the wireframes of the characters, it's like the people who made it forgot to watch it before uploading (it's racked up 100 million views since, LOL). my boy (who is almost 5) gets very unsettled by this now.

frogbs, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:44 (two months ago) link

Loving Henry's running commentary there, beautiful!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:03 (two months ago) link

Tell him he has an album called 'Henry's Dream' and a song called 'Henry Lee'

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:03 (two months ago) link

Fuck, misread it was Beatrice, I shall go boil my head

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:04 (two months ago) link

He's right tho Birthday Party is a stupid name for a band =D

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:05 (two months ago) link


is not

i will fite u beeps

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 24 October 2019 04:17 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

My boss is huge asshole, so I've just quit my job to be a stay-at-home dad for a few months. My daughter is only three months old. I am pretty confident this is a good decision, I think! We can afford a few months, anyway.

Chuck_Tatum, Friday, 29 November 2019 12:30 (one month ago) link

Yasss! Do it. ❤️

nathom, Friday, 29 November 2019 14:38 (one month ago) link

Go on son

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Friday, 29 November 2019 14:42 (one month ago) link

I'm enjoying being a stay-at-home parent more than I want to admit! Maybe not today, the day of screeching, though.

kinder, Friday, 29 November 2019 16:34 (one month ago) link

I am in Jerusalem and wow are there a lot of little kids here

L'assie (Euler), Friday, 29 November 2019 19:39 (one month ago) link

four weeks pass...

My kid lost a tooth the night before Xmas. We told her that she could write a letter to the tooth fairy after Xmas, so that Santa didnt run into her. I have no idea if she still believes or not, but if not she's holding her cards close to her chest. I put the tooth inside a ziploc bag and then shoved that into a coffee cup, because I'm some kind of idiot.

So Xmas comes and goes and last night I'm sitting around watching TV and suddenly remember the tooth! We had cleaned house three times in the last three days and the cup was no longer where I left it. I was watching the kiddo because my wife was at work, so I told her I had to go outside and look for something I accidentally threw away in the trash. "What is it?" she asked. I said I'd tell her if I found it.

With a flashlight in one hand, I dug through 2 bags of trash, including old meat, cat food, and snotty Kleenex. I found three empty Ziplocs, which led me to worry that the bag opened at some point and dislodged its contents to be mixed in with all the worst granular detritus. There was one bag left but I had been out in the driveway long enough so I rebagged all the trash and went back inside.

As soon as the sun came up this morning, and as my wife and kid slept, I went back outside. The plan was to tackle the third bag and then recheck the first two bags in the sunlight. I got almost all the way though the third bag. All that was left was a big pile of cat litter. I almost gave up hope but decided to give the litter a sift (with my gloved hand). I pulled up a ziploc bag! Looking closer, it contained my daughter's tooth! And it had remained sealed despite all it had been though.

Brought it inside, removed it from the ziploc, gave it a quick wash under the tap just in case, and placed it in a new ziploc which I tacked to the bulletin board. Pretty sure I'm not going to tell either of them about it so I'm just documenting it here.

☮️ (peace, man), Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:38 (three weeks ago) link

the last time i played tooth fairy i forgot to do it, so tried to make the switch in the morning, my son woke up while my hand was under the pillow. he gave me a look of disgust, closed his eyes and mumbled "dad you're trash"

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:43 (three weeks ago) link


DJI, Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:50 (three weeks ago) link

Also, amazing saga, peace!

DJI, Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:51 (three weeks ago) link

lol tracer

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 28 December 2019 18:18 (three weeks ago) link

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