Depression and what it's really like

i am still utterly crap at contacting my friends, unless they frequent the same pubs as i do

♫ it's my birthday and i want to be dead ♫

<3

:(

Sorry to hear that

Hope you feel better soon :)

i am also going through some shit, stuff that's mostly external to my life -- i'm just really down about the state of the world these days, how unchecked capitalism and greed and bigotry (and the way the new economy shits all over most people's chances for stability or a sustainable piece of the dream) are WINNING, to quote charlie sheen. every time i click on a link i read something that makes me want the human race to hang up an "out of business" sign. i have a compulsion to read these things even though they crush my spirit -- i feel like i *need* to know, even though i already do know, and i know all too well. i guess i was taught that arming yourself with knowledge was the best way to march into battle. but if there is no revolution and we're all screwed, what's the point?

yep. depression. i just had a beautiful wedding to a great guy and i should be walking on air, but no such luck.

it was a beautiful wedding :/

thanks!

i know it sounds crazy, but i'm becoming increasingly indifferent to the crises of the environment and the water supply, because "the continuation of human life on earth" is just not something i'm that invested in. i'm not suicidal or homicidal, i just think we've run our course and we have a horribly inflated sense of our own purpose here if all we can do is run our resources into the ground and exploit everything and everyone around us.

sorry if i sound like some ufo-cult version of morrissey.

Wooo boy get bent, I can identify strong with nearly everything you've posted. It's like, I can't actually fix all of the horrors of this world, so I feel like I must at least bear witness to them. Like the least I can do for people who are suffering is to not remain ignorant of it, and somehow if I know, they aren't suffering for nothing. I'm sure that is very comforting to people dealing with real crises...

I still somehow remain optimistic about humanity, which I attribute largely to Star Trek and Octavia Butler novels so if you're looking for self care solutions, I recommend reading Parable of the Sower/Talents instead of current event blogs, and watching TNG or Voyager (DS9 is a little too grim for these purposes IMO) instead of the news. If you're not looking for solutions, just know that I am feeling your posts hard.

I do want solutions! I connect very hard w/ videos of baby goats btw; they are my Trek.

Oh! Have you seen this? https://www.facebook.com/edgarsmission/videos/10153625969105130/?fref=nf

The problem with being an optimist is that it is hard not to get depressed by the news. A pessimist, otoh, just feels vindicated.

I'm a long-term optimist as in long-term trends indicate that humanity is improving, even while short-term we are some nasty, brutish idiots.

http://www.metafilter.com/150308/Reasons-to-Stay-Alive

fav if you get x's "i must not think bad thoughts" stuck in yr head on a regular basis, rt if you get annoyed when it makes you remember exene is a gun nut now

hitting me like a tidal wave this morning, although i kind of earned it, my ex is moving out as a result of a breakup that i caused in large part by selfishness and not seeing how my depression was affecting her, along with a lot of other things i screwed up, but we had been mostly civil during the transition period until getting into it this morning

i wish i had never hurt so many people. but i did, and do

that sucks bro. there are gonna be blow ups, forgive yourself and do better today.

xp ugh, that is a horrible way to feel.

Fucking hate these days when a black cloud just descends on you for no obvious reason.

I'm 40 single no kids, 90% of the time I feel #blessed but today it's like OH MY GOD THIS IS GONNA SUCK

Still really really bad. As low as I've ever been in my life. My mental survival has always been carrot-based and the carrots are increasingly few, flimsy and spongey.

I have fought w this a lot during my life but feel like it has gotten much better as I get older. I self medicate and have my addictions like video games and multitrack recording. I have a neglected social life but I feel like I get things done.

Still there is always this self questioning that almost always happens whenever I make anything and always has been. It's a creative act to destroy your own creation. I used to destroy my drawings when I was a kid and I have trouble maintaining relationships. Maybe this is why Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off. I'm a cliched tortured artist.

But things are good, the people I love are alive, as am I, and healthy. Life has meaning and is a gift, even if you waste it.

As long as you are doing what you like in the most aware and respectful manner you'll be alright.

Tbf I was on a combination of some dangerous (but necessary) prescription medications as a teenager, so I think chemically it f'd with my social psychological and physical development during my main growing years. Can't lay the blame for depression on any one thing really but perhaps looking at some real world causes, things beyond my control, gives it a context and helps me relate that to the real world.

Many suffer from self doubt as a result of corporate pharmacology. I hope that the next big civil rights fight is for physical disabilities and mental health.

I should probably try meditating more. But I always end up just putting on a good record and playing w Photoshop.

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to believe in yourself.

I think realizing post-materialism is a thing and there are theories on it and stuff has helped me a lot. Reading about Zen and Allan Watts and stuff.

It is hard to get upset about not having money/a house/a job/a woman/etc when all of that is temporary anyways. You cannot take it with you. Focus on stuff you like, music, art, film. Write about it, or make your own. Creating things for the future. It's something that can give life meaning. Maybe that is why they built the pyramids.

Life has meaning and is a gift

f

u

Hah can I interest you in my brochure?

dunno if it's been linked here and i'm aware hyperbole and a half is old news but this still resonates as honest to me
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

I have to attend a wedding next weekend and idk if there's enough liquor in the world to make me think I can handle it because i don't believe in fuckall right now, least of all my miserable self

small brief comforts or amusements keep me afloat but I feel so. alone. all. the fucking. time. even in the social settings I force myself to attend because I hate the stillness of this empty apartment

depression and anxiety were always a double edged sword; there was the immediate psychic pain, and then the idea that these ailments stood between me and what I wanted in life. in middle age the depression and anxiety have subsided, only to be replaced by a near certainty that there's really nothing worth wanting or striving for. zero sum game i guess.

mookie otm lol

i was supposed to go to an old friend's wedding recently. i didn't think i could deal with it, so I just bailed. still feel a little bad about it, but you gotta make out your own math about what's worth the effort

See that's a freedom you have. If you were married and had to go to this thing you would be stuck there w all that pressure.

yes, thank god i'm no longer married

i don't like yr brochure adam!

xp word. i've been dragged to enough weddings for my lifetime and took the initiative this time... to GTFO

Sorry I'm shitty at communicating and I apologize. I don't know you and your situation and I don't mean to say something that can be taken personally.

I keep clicking this thread kinda hoping emil.y has posted something here. Her last 3 ilx posts were several days ago and all three implied she was going to kill herself. This is worrisome to say the least.

xp it's cool i am joshing u

love to all who have posted here tbh

aimless, link? not sure how serious the posts are or if they merit action?

Search for the most recent posts by username emil.y on all boards and you get links to three threads on ILE:

emil.y wrote this on thread What one piece of advice would you give your twenty year old self? on board I Love Everything on Jul 8, 2015

Kill yourself.

emil.y wrote this on thread What one piece of advice would you give your ten year old self? on board I Love Everything on Jul 8, 2015

Kill yourself.

emil.y wrote this on thread What one piece of advice would you give your thirty year old self? on board I Love Everything on Jul 8, 2015

Kill yourself.

Since then, no further posts.

I hope she is ok.

I hope so, too. But she has posted on Facebook since then & I think she is away on vacation.

That's good.

okay, that's less scary then

:(

I'm glad she has FB posted since then. That series of posts was pretty ominous and hard to ignore.

i gotta say though her advice is correct

~i~really~don't~want~to~be~alive~tonight

I never thought I'd be willing to try and get pills bc I think ppl are prescribed antidepressants willy nilly in some cases (plus I take a daily amphetamine and dunno about the mix) but I really don't know how much more of this I can take, it's worse than it's ever been, worse than I ever imagined.