margaret s (1935-2005)

(Er, but not through the power of will or anything)

when my sister died, in 1997 (a couple months after laydee Di died! in fact, I was visiting my sister -for the last time, and i kinda knew it, but didn't want to admit it - when Di became a candle in the wind. Or, wait, was she already a candle in the wind and then she died and became something else? in any case, my brother-in-law and I were watching television when it came on the news and we didn't know whether we should wake my sister or not, because we knew how emotional she got when her fave celebrities left this mortal coil. we didn't wake her. and she was very sad the next day. i'm sure i made jokes. they were the same age. she taught me how to play russian solitaire and then i went home on a plane. and that was it. two months later she was gone. i wanted to go back in time and tell her: don't waste your tears on Di! But that's just the way she was.) one of my BIGGEST fears was that I would forget what her voice sounded like. We weren't one of those modern stone age families with copious audio/video archives. I didn't want to lose her voice in my head. This worried me greatly. Well, as it turned out, she started visiting me regularly. in my dreams! and not in creepy scary dreams, or anything like that. THOSE are reserved for grandpa! NO, more like visitation dreams. I am wandering along and there she is. And she is always happy to see me. And it's really her. And her voice is gloriously her own. and I am always shocked at first. how? but....and i don't actually want to say to her, but you're d.....i feel that would be rude. and i can't believe my luck and i don't want to jinx myself. and we talk. and she is with me. i almost couldn't ask for anything more! at first, it was almost every night. and now, 8 years later, at least once or twice a month. it's sad when she goes or when i wake up, but i'm so happy to have the time. so, something in me wouldn't allow her voice to disappear. that worry I had. or she really is visiting me from her condo in valhalla. one or the other. all i know is, it's a lovely way to remember without spending a lot of money on candles. that time heals all wounds thing. man, it's true and it's not true. the ache lessens over time, but there's a hole there and i don't know if it ever gets completely filled up. i've been trying to fill it with ice cream apparently. i'll let you know if that works.

I've only just found this thread. I'm really sorry, Mark, and I hope you're alright.

Take care, Mark.

I know two other people who've lost their mums very recently - one after a long illness and the other due to a sudden worsening of a condition diagnosed over 20 years ago and thought to be under control. It's hard to know what to say, hard to rein in one's own selfish thoughts about the inevitable day when...

Really sorry to hear about this, Mark. Condolences and best wishes to you and your family.