no boys allowed in the room!!!!

tbh: its kind of making ME giddy and i have nothing to do with it.

Yeah, it's really like... WHEEEEE and I'm just enjoying it.

On the downside, no matter how much I've been trying to avoid, block, contain drama, my stalker situation appears to be escalating. To the point where they are now posting my emails all over Tumblr and screen capping decades-old shit from ILX to try to prove ... I don't know what. That I'm a creepy weirdo with long-running mental health issues and confusion about my sexuality and gender?

This would be kinda scary if I hadn't been through this 2 or 3 times before over the past couple of decades. I'm tired of this. I'm really deeply tired of this.

I don't really know if I should just continue to ignore it the best I can, or if I should be screen-capping this stuff myself, and going to the police - well, police are pretty useless in these kinds of situations, but perhaps seeking legal advice.

I know you girls have a lot of collective knowledge, but do any of you have (especially UK relevant) advice (beyond "read The Gift of Fear and Captain Awkward") about how to handle this kind of thing? "Ignore and block" is not doing a great job of working.

Actually, you know what?

No.

This person has had enough of my time and my attention and my psychic energy, and this is just yet one more blatant grasp for attention. I'm done. I'm really done. I'm not giving them the oxygen of even being afraid of them. Enough.

Back to taking my giddy pleasures where I find them: A POP STAR FOLLOWED ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA!!! A POP STAR FOLLOWED MEEEEEE!!! ON SOCIAL MEEEEEDIA!!!

(He blinded ME! With Science!)

Phew I don't have any advice but I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

The pop star is a delightful diversion though.

If someone is lying and spreading malicious gossip about you (even without a side order of stalking) I think if you try to address the lies, it gives the fabrications a tissue of plausibility? Isn't it better to prove yourself with actions rather than words, walk away, refuse to engage and rise above it?

But anyway. Distract me with pop stars! Tell me about your pop star crushes, if you ever interacted with them (even just sending teenage fanmail) and how embarrassing / giddy-making it all is.

I've had a crush on Council Member Stephen Levin for like two years but he just got engaged apparently so I guess he wasn't actually smiling at me from the front of the room while I stared deeply into his eyes.

http://www.greenpointnews.com/images/6329.jpg

His politics are excellent.

My #1 pop star crush is Thomas Dutronc. My French skills are so bad that I am just excited when I can understand his tweets.

Branwell, Zoe Quinn (the person libelled in the weird origin of gamergate) started a good site about protecting your ish from online creepers:
http://www.crashoverridenetwork.com/
and
free advice at http://crashoverridenetwork.tumblr.com/

whoever the fuck is spending their time doing that should feel petty & ashamed, and find something useful to do

got some kind of girlfriend/style/or more crush on tessa thompson

http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/browbeat/2014/07/22/dear_white_people_trailer_justin_simien_movie_starts_a_conversation_video/tessa_thompson.png.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge.png

+also http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Mitigating_internet_trollstorms

Oh thank you Crabbits! That's actually really helpful.

The website perhaps not so much (it seems to be more about dedicated gamergate type campaigns, when this is honestly just one disgruntled person who has decided that the best way to handle a breakup they are unhappy about is to respond to a 3-week relationship with four months of escalating creeping, stalking, then outright doxxing) but the Tumblr looks like it has some invaluable resources!

I can certainly understand being hurt and upset that someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but this has got to a point where, as my best friend put it "they are just writing fan fiction about you and trying to persuade other people to believe it" but at least this latest bout has produced hard, tangible, screengrabbable evidence when I say "this person has been creeping me out" of what, exactly I am talking about.

There's a part of me that just wants to ask "WHY?" I'm not a celebrity, I'm not even interesting or good-looking, yet this is now at least the third time in my life that I've been the focus of something like this. But there is no "why" answer; it's about them and not necessarily about me. Bad luck.

I'm faced with two ways of interpreting someone acting like this:

1) they are deliberately lying and misrepresenting events in order to manipulate people into attracting sympathy and attention. (Which is gross and frightening, but kinda pathetic really if you think about it)
2) they actually believe the things they are putting out there, and this is some kind of delusional thinking pattern (in which case pity is more the correct reaction)

I'm just deeply, deeply tired of this, and would really prefer that it stop.

But in the meantime, keep the crushes coming, girls. That is one fine-looking man, in orbit!

stalking really makes me see red
i'm sorry this is happening to you -- it's a type of violation that is so pernicious that we don't have the right words to describe it. "creepy" not doing the heavy lifting required.

beyond creepy, indeed. and your case sounds really extreme, Branwell--so sorry you're going thru that.

ugh i was (badly) following google instructions to block a dude on gchat and accidentally invited him to chat. nononooooo.

so now can't sleep b/c this makes me madly nervous. never want anything to do with that dude ever ever everrrrr again and in all my brilliance i fucking accidentally invited him to chat, gdi.

i lack interesting crushes but have some pics of pretty men:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCPMmeiUMAAr6Qj.png
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCPMl_aUAAArmC0.png

big pics, but oh so pretty.

idk if this will post, or post a link
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/B5k3y8VCAAAhfzz.mp4

Argh, argh, argh, that is like some kind of nightmare - trying to block someone and sending them a request instead? I hope you DID manage to block them after that, so at least if they try to respond, they won't be able to!

(Tumblr did that to me once - on the mobile app, if you click on the wrong part of the screen, it follows (or more usually unfollows) someone whose posts you're looking at / have been reblogged. It's annoying when it unfollows your friends, and you have to send them an "I don't hate you, it was the mobile app!" message to apologise. But once it somehow managed to follow someone who absolutely loathes me and hates my guts (I had the nerve to disagree with her about some minor aspect of fandom, which is of course, an unforgivable sin on Tumblr!) and I suddenly get this notification "You have just followed Person-Who-Hates-Your-Guts" and I was like WWAAAAHHHHTT *delete delete delete*. But that was just embarrassing, not actually scary or anything.)

I have now actually informally spoken to An Investigator about the situation. (Which was weird as hell, in and of itself - there are aspects of my life that I don't like explaining to anyone, and to discuss them, even informally, like this, is a scary thing to do, e.g. I am not 'out' about my gender/sexuality at work or anything. And having to explain what 'fan fiction' or 'Tumblr' is - at least this Investigator was pretty savvy since they deal with internet nasties for a living.) But it is kind of a relief, when you're almost gaslighting yourself, trying to downplay what's going on, and telling yourself "oh, you're overreacting" and "if you just don't look at their drama or speak to them, they'll get bored and stop" - to speak to an expert who looks at the situation and says "Nope, you were right to come to us, you have every right to feel scared, this stuff is clearly against the terms of service of the website they're using, if you want to pursue this we can help you put together a case."

So on that level, it's reassuring to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not overreacting. But on another level... I don't want to go through this shit. I just want it to stop.

I mean, I'm scared to even talk about this shit on ILX because from their doxing post it's quite clear that they know of the existence of ILX and how to use the search function. And even for me to say something like "This person is making me uncomfortable and I'm scared by what they are doing" is to invite another round of THE TERRIFYING TOXIC TRUTH ABOUT THE PERSON I AM STALKING BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME blogging. But, y'know, my saying something / ignoring it for months doesn't seem to make a difference to stopping this.

Really, I just want it to stop.

Now I am going for a walk in the sunshine and maybe try to have coffee with a friend. (In this thread's longrunning "female friends" theme, I have scheduled biweekly coffee catch-ups with a London gal-pal, so this is a v v good thing going forward in my life.)

glad you spoke to the Investigator & got some validation. self-gaslighting feels so awful.

seems pretty universal in these situations to be overwhelmed & emotionally flailing and --how do you sleep? how do you cope? how do you get thru the day with all this fearful, frantic emotional shit whirling thru yr head? ugh. DNW. of course.

i so wish this thread wasn't public. but i'm so glad we have it.

a walk in the sunshine & coffee with a friend sound great.

I wish I knew how to deal with the emotional shit -- tbh this convo has been really triggering for me, even after decades. The sensation of being watched, the self-consciousness (which I have worked hard to shed!) creep back slowly but insidiously. I wish I knew what to say that would help.

Btw I'm not complaining -- I didn't realize my mind would spiral once I started thinking about it. Such is the insidious nature of this thing!

Not to disregard any of the important things on this thread, but I just want to acknowledge that the handsome man that Julia posted is very very handsome.

his smile is AMAZING damn

super insidious ick ick ick.

very very handsome--ikr? xp yes.

I am so, so sorry, LL. I did think, when bringing this up, that I should have put some kind of content warning on it, and I am sorry that this brought up your own experiences.

I mean, I know, from experience, how deep down this kind of stuff gets into you. And I think that's part of the reason I was telling myself this wasn't such a big deal or anything. Because I *know*, from having gone though something like this before, how it warps your perceptions for the rest of your life. Like, I am aware that this is one of the most prevalent reasons why I have such a negative reaction to the little, low-level ~researching your life~ type creeping on the internet. Because it brings back the big scary stuff.

Oh, I don't want to talk about this any more. I typed out a ton of details, but changed my mind about posting it because of that specific sensation of feeling watched. Thank you for listening. Thank you for talking. Thank you for not thinking I'm crazy. Thank you for sharing what I know to be awful feelings.

Now on with the handsomeness!

im sorry for the abrupt subject change
so upset rn

i was able to see a doctor for cheap while i was in college, went to him with symptoms that have steadily gotten worse since. he gave me many tests and told me i probably have lupus (maybe MCTD) but obv i need to see a rheumatologist. like i said, things have gotten worse since. i have to plan that at least one day a month i can't do anything but stay in bed.

so i've been searching for a rheumatologist in an increasingly panicked way and coming up with nothing as my mental and physical health deteriorates. how MEAN people in the medical industry turn when they find out you're poor. just hung up the phone with someone and burst into tears at work

i just feel so helpless and scared! im tired of worrying what's happening to my body and feeling like my arms and legs are rotting off of my body or something. im tired of waking up in the night thinking i can't breathe or that i'm having a stroke or a heart attack. and then the added bonus that getting emotionally upset causes weird flare-ups of pain and other symptoms.

to make up for my admittedly self-indulgent post:

https://cdn1.cdnme.se/cdn/6-1/2127762/images/2011/600full-alain-delon-9_163398758.jpg

Oh god Roxy that's awful. I wish I knew how to negotiate the US medical system. (If you weren't already married, I'd tell you to come to the UK and gay-marry me so you could be treated on the NHS while we still have one.)

I am so so sorry, that is so shit, and I just really really hope that you find someone or something to make it better.

well the generous offer of gay english marriage is atm literally my only healthcare option so thanks! lol

i feel like its going to be ok, i just had to throw a fit for a min tbh

Let me try to distract you with this plethora of problematic pulchritude:

http://41.media.tumblr.com/fab5686990e3a557958626c178d1e5c8/tumblr_no98x6N4a61rngx6zo1_400.jpg

oh roxy that is awful.

roxy--ugggh so sorry you're going thru healthshit.

medical people are awful with:

-$ issues, omfg
-chronic not-well-understood debilitating stuff (bonus points if it mainly happens to women, like autoimmune ish & similar)
-anything mental health in addition to physical chronic stuff because obv yr just (just!) depressed, little lady

and just finding a specialist in the 1st place...ugh. i live this stuff (disabled w/CFS/ME) & wish i had something more helpful to say-feel free to email me for commiseration/venting if you need.

roxy -- is this near enough that you could get to them? idk about the religious angle of these ppl but they seem like they might help

http://www.stsampsonclinic.com
recommended here: http://www.lupus.org/midsouth/pages/find-help

chronic pain is no joke, thinking good thoughts for u

Yes indeed. Internet hugs and good thoughts to rox and julia.

god roxy, deep sympathy; wish i had something helpful to say

and to branwell too

omg thanks for that link, veg. its a couple of hours away from me which is doable imo, esp since my options in my own town are 0.

thanks for the emotional support yall

omg yay, i hope they can help u!

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/05/controversial-conversations/
^^I really liked this – "5 Questions to Help You Know When to Pick Your Battles in Controversial Conversations"

that is otm and consistent with my strategy. i don't work in a very sexist workplace but there is just one guy (i have told him he is sexist where it is appropriate to do so and he doesn't get mad) who for example one day at lunch was saying how his daughter's boyfriend asked him about marrying her and everyone was like oh! how great! and this is one issue that just pushes my buttons so i just stuck to my 5 step plan: 1. remain quiet 2. think of line in tommy boy where richard says "you know what? don't. not here. not now." 3. text someone i trust to complain about this 4. receive sympathetic "ugh" text 5. leave room inconspicuously

That is an excellent post you linked Crabbits, and I found it very helpful. Learning when to walk away from an argument has been one of the hardest lessons of the past 5 years, but I'm getting better at it.

Now I need help or suggestions or just to vent to a sympathetic crew, or something.

The Stalker Situation detailed above. This just seems to drag on endlessly, and nothing seems to move. Obviously, this is going to be very triggery for some of you, so please make sure you're in a place to read this.

I made An Official Complaint to Tumblr, because the doxing post very clearly violated several of their terms of service (with regards to harassment, doxing, using Tumblr to circumvent people who have blocked you). I explained that this was someone I had formerly been in a romantic relationship with, who refused to accept the breakup. Tumblr came back refusing to deal with it, classing it as "slander" and saying they didn't have to take down slander without a court order. Their next helpful suggestion was to use email to try to contact the owner of the blog - like WAY TO MISS THE FUCKING POINT - even the UK Police insist that when you are dealing with a stalker, the last thing you should ever, EVER do is try to contact them directly. Giving them the desired contact is just reinforcing that increasingly escalating antics are the way to get you to answer on the 51st ring.

I tried a couple of other civil options, but both of them told me to go to the police, report it, and get a Crime Reference Number. (This is the UK, nothing here happens without a Reference Number.) So I called 101, expecting to be laughed off the phone. But no, I was actually surprised and heartened, by their initial reaction, at how seriously they took it. That they correctly classed it as "Domestic Violence" (which is their catch-all term for crimes committed within the context of a romantic or family relationship, whether violent or not) and had a procedure to follow, and a specific set of questions to ask. I was surprised that they did at least appear to show sensitivity both towards DV issues, and towards LGBT issues. That was very heartening.

So they took a statement over the phone, then sent two police officers round to interview me and collect evidence. (I had to print out the emails and the screen grabs, to give to them - I mean, talk about invasive, having to print out both ... *love letters* and this delusional screed, to give into public evidence.) They were more up on the DV stuff than the technology (one of them confessed he had to google "doxing" in the car over.) But I have to say that it was hugely helpful to me, both to have them take it seriously, and also to have them go through the emails, screen grabs, evidence, with a professional eye, and inform me "No, you are absolutely correct, there is a clear evidence trail, this person is stalking, and it looks like they are escalating." The thing that chilled me was when one of them looked at me and said "You realise you are probably not the first person they have done this to, and I guarantee you, you won't be the last." They were very clear that they had more than enough evidence, and if the perp lived in the UK, they would send a letter or a police officer round stating "If you attempt to contact this person again, we will arrest you."

The problem is, this person does not live in the UK. And here we run into the problem of Jurisdiction. UK Police do not have the jurisdiction to send a restraining order to someone who lives in California. (They stated that the only way they could legally do that would be to extradite this person to the UK, at which my eyes grew huge with fear, and I almost shouted "the LAST thing I want is this person anywhere near me!") If he turns up in the UK, they can arrest him. (It's really comforting, isn't it, knowing that if I turn up dead, they'll take action!) But other than that, the case is just caught in this legal limbo.

They advised me to have one more go at Tumblr, quoting the Crime Reference Number and the police investigation, but I think Tumblr have made it perfectly clear they have no intention of enforcing their own terms of service. I don't want to have to quit Tumblr because of the actions of one little creep who cannot accept a break-up, but if they won't enforce their own terms of service, it doesn't look like I have much choice.

(Other options: my father does live in California, and I'm not sure if he could open a complaint on his daughter's behalf, in the actual state where the perp resides. But American police scare the *shit* out of me. And JFC, I just want this to end, not to drag it off into another international version.)

Or... do I let this go, under the (perhaps mistaken) assumption that this creepy little stalker has had their jollies through driving me off their little ~Kingdom of Tumblr~ and will now move their attention on to someone else? It's just so fucking frustrating, when you do everything by the books, you follow the procedures of what you're supposed to do... and yet the end result is absolutely fuck-all. What do I do, girls? What do I do now?

On my phone so can't post properly but stalker stuff is so awful. Impressed that the police actually did something about it, however helpful or not it may turn out to be

I don't have any advice, Branwell. The only thing I can think of that sort of works is large-scale tumblr shaming where someone with a healthy following makes their sitch very public and encourages it to go viral to pressure tumblr to react or at to at least register public disapproval that goes into the record of how they've treated similar cases over time.

From what you've expressed though I don't think that's a road you'd want to go down, just ramping up the pressure for an unknown duration.

Frankly I'm shocked that the police were kind of great, and I mean great in the sense of actually DOING THEIR JOB without shaming or belittling you, which says something about what a low bar that is.

srsly so awful but i'm glad that you're dedicated to taking the necessary steps. seems like a turning point so long as the authorities are being helpful.

wish i had more to say but honestly i can't think of a single thing to say that is helpful or constructive in any way
well, i guess my only advice is to be extremely cautious going forward when developing emotional relationships with people you don't know very well. i mean, that is stupid advice but it's weird how easy it is to have an illusory closeness. i'm extremely wary of this in general. just like i instinctively back away from anyone who tries to get too close to me too quickly.

pls note that isn't to say that i believe it was your mistake for getting involved with this person (obviously it is not)

fuck. so sorry you're going thru this hell.

i wish i had helpful advice or something, but it sounds like you've done everything you realistically could. (further options sound like they'd be causing way more stress & not worth it)

glad the police officers were validating about the trauma of it all, at least--it makes such a difference to have others take it seriously.

Thanks for the support, girls. It really means a huge amount to me to have this stuff believed, and not belittled or shamed or "you're over-reacting".

And yeah, I was pleasantly surprised by the PC's approach and attitude.

Without getting into too much victim-shaming-y thinking, LL, I normally *am* incredibly careful about who I develop emotional relationships with. I am aware of the warping and projection effect of the Internet in creating and sustaining the illusion of intimacy that just isn't there. It wasn't a quick thing, it wasn't an 'out of nowhere' thing, it was someone who had been pursuing me for *months*, who had been showering me with attention and likes and dozens and dozens and dozens of comments. Of course it was flattering! But it escalated to romance at a point where I was quite low, and very emotionally vulnerable - it was over Christmas. I always get incredibly depressed around that time of year, I was very lonely because I had two weeks off work, so I'd go for days without speaking to another human being, except online. Loneliness and that kind of isolation has a way of twisting you. Of making you prepared to accept situations you would never normally even contemplate. I'm not excusing or justifying my decision in getting involved in that relationship - I am an adult, and am capable of making life choices, even ones that turn out to be poor ones.

But I guess the moral of the story is, that if someone you have never met is complimenting you that much and pursuing you that hard, it is not actually about you. It is about some weird fantasy that they have built up in their head. And the fantasy of 'this is the most perfect romantic partner in the world' can just as easily turn into the fantasy of 'this is an evil heart-wrecking monster who must be publicly shamed and doxed for the crime of not wanting to be with me.'

I don't have any advice, Branwell. The only thing I can think of that sort of works is large-scale tumblr shaming where someone with a healthy following makes their sitch very public and encourages it to go viral to pressure tumblr to react or at to at least register public disapproval that goes into the record of how they've treated similar cases over time.

^^^I mean, this, this is not something I would NOT do, because, given this person has about 1000 more followers than I do, it's likely in their twisted logic that this is what they thought they were doing to me. Of course I've had revenge fantasies - 1) publishing the complete correspondence between us, not just the highly edited one side - because that contains a hell of a lot more stuff that *they* would not want made public, than stuff I wouldn't. 2) just presenting the Tumblr complaint and the police report without comment on a blog titled GovernmentNameIsAStalker.blogplatform.com and tagging it and letting SEO take over. (Have to thank Carlos for putting that idea in my head.)

But what would those things prove? That I'm no better than them. This is not coming from a desire for justice, it's coming from a place of wanting revenge. This is not a valid or justifiable motive. What would this accomplish? Probably set off another round of doxing and stalking and escalation. What is it I actually want? I just want it to stop, I just want them to leave me alone. I can only hope that, having accomplished their goal of driving me off Tumblr (because apparently, seeing reblogs of a person you are currently stalking is "triggering"? OK...) that they will finally leave me the fuck alone.

...and this is another thought for another day, but this is something that I have been giving a lot of thought over the past few days, and has been troubling me, about the kind of ~Tumblr-isation~ of Social Justice language.

I mean, I know that this is just one vindictive individual, with a specific malicious intent, and is not indicative of the way a group of people use or don't use language and social media.

But it's this thing, the degrading of social justice language. Listen, I *know* that it hurts to be dumped. I know that it is an almost physiological pain, and heart-rate response, when you see someone who has broken your heart and destroyed your romantic dreams. Crushes are called crushes because they hurt. It's upsetting. But to take that set of emotions (being upset, being disappointed, being heartbroken) and assign the very specific PTSD language of "triggering" to it; that is a gross misuse of language, and I find it grotesque. (Even outside of the context of: this is a person who is actually committing a reported crime against me.)

I mean, this is the whole argument of the ~Creepy Liberalism~ crew, and people who fight against trigger warnings, etc. And here this person, through using this language in this way, is just handing them ammunition, that "Triggered" isn't a real thing, it's just a synonym for "upset" or "outraged" or "hurt". Is this really how language has degraded, that it's the natural course of language, that terms that originally meant something specific, are degraded into meaninglessness.

But this is just a minor footnote and kind of a sigh of frustration with the whole world of Tumblr, really.

PS I didn't mean it to be a tactic again the stalker, I meant as a tactic to bring others' attn to tumblr failing to protect targeted users, not living up to their agreements to not allow users to do harm, whatever. I'm not even sure exactly what those agreements are, just that every few months they're making some other kind of statement about adjusting their privacy settings bc of something. But yeah that's not at all what you need to get out of this, which is just peace & quiet & not being fucking doxed/stalked.

Ugh, double negative: "I mean, this, this is not something I would NOT do" = "this is not something I would do".

But yeah, you get it. Taking the actions required to apply pressure to Tumblr to apply their own terms of service would involve keeping up a level of activity that would most likely expose me to way more stalking, doxing, unpleasant activity. When I'm sorry to be such a selfish wimp, but in this situation, my primary motive is "protect myself and stop the harassment" rather than "change a monolithic corporation owned and run by dudebros who are far more statistically likely to be harassers than be exposed to harassers."