Depression and what it's really like

today I have at least a guaranteed distraction in the form of the celtics playoff game this afternoon (probably their last but maybe beat cleveland just once plz)

anyway. writers block has also been a major symptom of this; I managed to get some new pages done yesterday to finish a dangling chapter but they cut a little too close and sort of triggered another nose dive. ultimately I know creation is positive though.

summer is the worst

really? it completely turns me around honestly.

summer used to always be the worst for me, but later on I started to realize it coincided with being out of school and having to work longer hours.

I do get to be a real crank when the weather goes to shit tho, which in FL happens pretty quickly.

sorry you are hitting a shit point mookie
anything you can do besides shake your fist at helios/ra for lording over too muxh of the year??

season changes are really jarring emotionally imo

word. also doesn't help that if often coincides with physical illness

I only feel a little bit depressed right now, but I want to spout off, so I’m going to do it here. I’ve done some of this before on “ask markers,” but I don’t feel good about bumping that thread, so I’m not going to.

I’ve been in a tough spot for years now, and I’ve done a lot over the past year to turn things around. In many ways, I’m way better off than I was before. But I’m still struggling at times. I have bad eating habits, and a lot of them are due to the fact that eating a lot of sugar and carbs makes me feel good. And in moderation I guess that’d be OK, but the sheer amount I’m eating is not. Years ago, my snacking habits were a part of my brand on these boards, but I think looking back I can say that, while I participated in talking about them light-heartedly, they were basically destructive. I am weight more than I should and I have a belly now, and I used to be super skinny. I still am, in a way, minus the belly thing, and my face is a little puffy. I would like to lose that weight, and I’m sure I’ll eventually pull it off, because if one thing can be said for me, I can pull things off. I would have had a lot more trouble even writing this a year ago.

Anyway, today was not the best day. I got down, mostly about social things, I think. I have a lot of sort of friends and acquaintences, but not many people have really talked me through this in a serious, hand-holding, I’ll stick by you sort of way. I want to be clear: I’m not alone, and I have not been alone, but if you had set up a camera on me for the past six years, you’d see that a HUGE portion of that time has been spent as I am spending it right now, sitting in front of a computer, in a room, by myself.

As I said, I’ve done a lot of the work to make things better, and I will continue to do that, and hopefully at some point sooner than later I’ll lose the impulse to occasionally drop by ILX and dump posts like this. But I just want to say that these past few years have been . . . absurd, difficult, and very . . . I want to say lonely, but I don’t know if that’s the right word. I have not gotten the support from my friends that you’d hope to get in a situation like mine, although it’s not like all of them are gone. Some of them have done stuff for me. I just feel like overall they haven’t done enough. But I’m not sitting here assuming they’ll suddenly level up. I’m moving forward step by step, and I think I’ll get there, probably soon. Things are MUCH better than they were, like, two years ago. They will continue to get better. And even typing this made me feel better.

I don’t need responses. I’m not going to come back to this thread to read them. But I do appreciate it if anyone bothered to read this, although I’m also fine if no one does. Earlier today was rough, but now I feel better, actually. Thanks.

<3

hopefully at some point sooner than later I’ll lose the impulse to occasionally drop by ILX and dump posts like this

please don’t see it that way (as 'dumping'). past several years have been rough for me too & reading your post (& posts by other ilxors sharing their experience of depression) means a lot to me

aw markrz i would so kick it with you if i could
getting out of the house is so good; i have been a real innanets junkie lately & for me that is a mental health red flag, like 'call your mom' or 'go try to spot some flowers or animals'

losing weight sucks; the only way to do it is to get off your ass
like that's no guarantee it'll happen but it sure is a factor

Yup

markers i sure hope you do keep occasionally writing a good long braindump every now and then...partly because the more you do it the easier it will be, and i know that sharing is not easy

w/r/t friends...these arent the only friends you will have in life, and maybe what you have been through has changed you to where you you dont have the same needs you had before. you may have outgrown them as much as they have not lived up to their end of the deal. you deserve a good friend/s, and if you keep pushing outwards in the babysteps you have been, you will find them.

it will get easier. <3

markers that reads awfully familiar, but so does "Things are MUCH better than they were"...i guess we never come thru this sht as quickly as we want to, but i'm glad you can see the path ahead cos as long as it's there things will keep getting better i think, a tiny step at a time

peace

and I’m sure I’ll eventually pull it off, because if one thing can be said for me, I can pull things off.

this is inspirational, man, no joke

Depression's not so much getting worse as getting increasingly boring. I'm so sick of this thing hanging round and the prospect of it always being there in some greater or lesser form is frankly exhausting. Also paranoid that, given everyone in my dad's side of the family has it in some form or another, this is a nasty little genetic timebomb waiting to afflict my little 2yo girl--a thought that keeps me awake at night, tbh.

don't lay it on her too heavily right now, but look to give her some tools to work with later on. you can't have too many tools or too much support.

finally it's becoming a little easier to talk about mental health. that at least i am grateful for.

Good point, Aimless. And at least i figure I know some signs to be on the lookout for as she gets older.

One way to deal with email inbox fatigue is to withdraw completely and not answer calls. Eventually they will stop emailing.

truth : /

Yeah, spent several years burning bridges that way. Oh for a time machine.

Strangely my most burnt bridge was to someone who had previously been depressed and who knew I was in a bad place. Sometimes I get mad, like, surely she of all people knew I didn't just suddenly become too cool for her. Or maybe not so strange: the other way round, I'd have made a similar assumption. And I wouldn't reach out either, bcz I never reach out; I always assume if anyone isn't getting in touch with me right that second then they must not want my crushingly awkward presence in their life, even in brief how-you-doin' email form.

I'm still pretty bad at this tbh. I mean pretty accidentally good at it. A terrible (wo)man for the doing it. Sometimes think I have avoidant personality disorder but y'know I'm also a terrible person for the internet self-diagnoses.

i am still utterly crap at contacting my friends, unless they frequent the same pubs as i do

♫ it's my birthday and i want to be dead ♫

<3

:(

Sorry to hear that

Hope you feel better soon :)

i am also going through some shit, stuff that's mostly external to my life -- i'm just really down about the state of the world these days, how unchecked capitalism and greed and bigotry (and the way the new economy shits all over most people's chances for stability or a sustainable piece of the dream) are WINNING, to quote charlie sheen. every time i click on a link i read something that makes me want the human race to hang up an "out of business" sign. i have a compulsion to read these things even though they crush my spirit -- i feel like i *need* to know, even though i already do know, and i know all too well. i guess i was taught that arming yourself with knowledge was the best way to march into battle. but if there is no revolution and we're all screwed, what's the point?

yep. depression. i just had a beautiful wedding to a great guy and i should be walking on air, but no such luck.

it was a beautiful wedding :/

thanks!

i know it sounds crazy, but i'm becoming increasingly indifferent to the crises of the environment and the water supply, because "the continuation of human life on earth" is just not something i'm that invested in. i'm not suicidal or homicidal, i just think we've run our course and we have a horribly inflated sense of our own purpose here if all we can do is run our resources into the ground and exploit everything and everyone around us.

sorry if i sound like some ufo-cult version of morrissey.

Wooo boy get bent, I can identify strong with nearly everything you've posted. It's like, I can't actually fix all of the horrors of this world, so I feel like I must at least bear witness to them. Like the least I can do for people who are suffering is to not remain ignorant of it, and somehow if I know, they aren't suffering for nothing. I'm sure that is very comforting to people dealing with real crises...

I still somehow remain optimistic about humanity, which I attribute largely to Star Trek and Octavia Butler novels so if you're looking for self care solutions, I recommend reading Parable of the Sower/Talents instead of current event blogs, and watching TNG or Voyager (DS9 is a little too grim for these purposes IMO) instead of the news. If you're not looking for solutions, just know that I am feeling your posts hard.

I do want solutions! I connect very hard w/ videos of baby goats btw; they are my Trek.

Oh! Have you seen this? https://www.facebook.com/edgarsmission/videos/10153625969105130/?fref=nf

The problem with being an optimist is that it is hard not to get depressed by the news. A pessimist, otoh, just feels vindicated.

I'm a long-term optimist as in long-term trends indicate that humanity is improving, even while short-term we are some nasty, brutish idiots.

http://www.metafilter.com/150308/Reasons-to-Stay-Alive

fav if you get x's "i must not think bad thoughts" stuck in yr head on a regular basis, rt if you get annoyed when it makes you remember exene is a gun nut now

hitting me like a tidal wave this morning, although i kind of earned it, my ex is moving out as a result of a breakup that i caused in large part by selfishness and not seeing how my depression was affecting her, along with a lot of other things i screwed up, but we had been mostly civil during the transition period until getting into it this morning

i wish i had never hurt so many people. but i did, and do

that sucks bro. there are gonna be blow ups, forgive yourself and do better today.

xp ugh, that is a horrible way to feel.

Fucking hate these days when a black cloud just descends on you for no obvious reason.

I'm 40 single no kids, 90% of the time I feel #blessed but today it's like OH MY GOD THIS IS GONNA SUCK

Still really really bad. As low as I've ever been in my life. My mental survival has always been carrot-based and the carrots are increasingly few, flimsy and spongey.

I have fought w this a lot during my life but feel like it has gotten much better as I get older. I self medicate and have my addictions like video games and multitrack recording. I have a neglected social life but I feel like I get things done.

Still there is always this self questioning that almost always happens whenever I make anything and always has been. It's a creative act to destroy your own creation. I used to destroy my drawings when I was a kid and I have trouble maintaining relationships. Maybe this is why Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off. I'm a cliched tortured artist.

But things are good, the people I love are alive, as am I, and healthy. Life has meaning and is a gift, even if you waste it.

As long as you are doing what you like in the most aware and respectful manner you'll be alright.

Tbf I was on a combination of some dangerous (but necessary) prescription medications as a teenager, so I think chemically it f'd with my social psychological and physical development during my main growing years. Can't lay the blame for depression on any one thing really but perhaps looking at some real world causes, things beyond my control, gives it a context and helps me relate that to the real world.

Many suffer from self doubt as a result of corporate pharmacology. I hope that the next big civil rights fight is for physical disabilities and mental health.

I should probably try meditating more. But I always end up just putting on a good record and playing w Photoshop.

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to believe in yourself.

I think realizing post-materialism is a thing and there are theories on it and stuff has helped me a lot. Reading about Zen and Allan Watts and stuff.

It is hard to get upset about not having money/a house/a job/a woman/etc when all of that is temporary anyways. You cannot take it with you. Focus on stuff you like, music, art, film. Write about it, or make your own. Creating things for the future. It's something that can give life meaning. Maybe that is why they built the pyramids.

Life has meaning and is a gift

f

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Hah can I interest you in my brochure?