no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Yay! And thx to all for good wishes. It really is a boost. Currently in mpls airport, which is SO NICE!

I will message you my # on facebook.

I'm getting a mammogram. Wooooooooooooooooo.

I got my first earlier this year. Gives new meaning to the phrase "tit in a wringer."

That said, I didn't find it painful at all or even particularly uncomfortable. Of course Your Boobs May Vary.

What I *did* find painful was the amount of Komen-branded pink shit all over the waiting room.

Bleh. I'm not worried it will hurt. Just annoyed that my doctor doesn't embrace the looser guidelines because I don't feel like dealing with it.

i've never had one
feeling low as hell today but i think it'll pass
i think i'm just emotionally taxed from all the things going on in my general orbit -- work, fam, friends, you name it and there is a drama afoot. i'm not very good at dealing with that.

It's hard to shield yourself from drama when it's coming from all four corners. It's exhausting!

I realized I'm also not looking forward to the mammogram because I have to go to the same place where I went to get ultrasounds and stress tests when I was pregnant and 1) that is where I got the stressful news about the complication in my pregnancy that put me in the hospital for a month (and where I was admitted from on suspicion of preeclampsia twice (although the second time I literally ran away from the hospital so I could go home and finish some work and pack some clothes first)), so I've got a little mild PTSD associated with it (like typing that is making me breathe shallowly and feel a little tearful ugh) and 2) when last I was there (18 months ago!) it was just a huge, messy clusterfuck of a system and you had to wait forever and the lady at the front desk was a total crab and there were never enough chairs for the number of people who were waiting so yeah. Dumb.

not dumb at all. I would be exactly the same. places can really get to you.
crappy systems just make the whole thing ten times worse because I worry that no-one's doing anything properly and I have to be on the lookout in case something happens that means they've forgotten my appointment or not told me to bring something I need or or or

I worry that no-one's doing anything properly and I have to be on the lookout in case something happens that means they've forgotten my appointment or not told me to bring something I need or or or

OMG YES yesssssssssss and that triggers my personal brand of anxiety which basically takes the form of "my incessant worry is what is holding everything together and if I stop everybody will die" so like, if I'm not keeping an eye on the women's imaging center, I will die of breast cancer. Or something.

I think I need a glass of wine.

My life has hit levels of strange I don't really understand lately.

Good strange or at least interesting strange?

Well, at first something happened that was very bad and upsetting, but then I closed the door on that very firmly and locked it. I am not doing other people's ~drama~ any more, the end.

But then another quite strange and entirely unrandom door opened when I least expected it and it is silly and frivolous and not-real-life at all, but I don't care, I am enjoying it even if I feel a bit like Big Bird talking to Mr Snuffleupagus right now?

it is a nice feeling, enjoy it while it lasts

Agreed! and good for you for closing the door on other people's drama.

he should still be banished, though. To my vagina.

(I did not say that! Honest!)

OK I am tired of being obtuse and evasive and explaining in such ridiculously guarded terms. What has happened is this:

There is an artist, who I have spent quite some time mocking, on ILX and elsewhere. Earlier this year, starting almost as a joke, but turning into something else as it went along, I wrote a very odd, twisted, extremely meta piece of Fan Fiction in which this person crashed through the fourth wall and started taking me, the author, to task for the mockery, the fan fiction, degenerating into a ranting philosophical debate on the nature of fandom, celebrity and fan-idol interactions and who owes whom what. Like I said, it's a very strange story. But in the story (which really did my head in to write) argument turned to flirtation, flirtation turned to attraction, irritation turned to coffee and/or fucking in the morning. At the end, I felt like I'd exorcised something and fans who read it agreed it was bizarre but compelling.

In some strange coincidence, the same week I published the last chapter, the artist in question, after a long absence from public life, restarted his career, joined social media. I followed him, I mean, why not. I tweeted a couple of banal "good luck with your new career" responses because I was quite certain he wasn't tweeting back at anyone, sent him a link he might be interested in.

Reader, he followed me back. We started conversing. He turned out not to be not at all as I thought - or at least self-aware of his own ridiculous arrogance - in fact quite funny and charming. This is nothing exceptionally extraordinary; celebrities are human beings too. It's just doing my head in a bit, even as its pleasurable and a bit flattering.

Look, I KNOW that this is not some 21st Century Meet-Cute. It's unlikely he sees me as anything but a fan, or worse, a groupie. I know, intellectually, that he's in a bit of an odd place and starting a new career mid-life is a huge step into the unknown and he is probably flattered and amused and reassured by the attention of a fangirl with a pigtail-pulling crush. This is NOT the plot of fan fiction coming to life.

But it is, still, doing my head in and making me as giddy as a Beiberite all at the same time.

Apologies for length. Normally I'd just vent about this on social media but that's impossible right now for obvious reasons.

whoaaaaaa.

tbh: its kind of making ME giddy and i have nothing to do with it.

Yeah, it's really like... WHEEEEE and I'm just enjoying it.

On the downside, no matter how much I've been trying to avoid, block, contain drama, my stalker situation appears to be escalating. To the point where they are now posting my emails all over Tumblr and screen capping decades-old shit from ILX to try to prove ... I don't know what. That I'm a creepy weirdo with long-running mental health issues and confusion about my sexuality and gender?

This would be kinda scary if I hadn't been through this 2 or 3 times before over the past couple of decades. I'm tired of this. I'm really deeply tired of this.

I don't really know if I should just continue to ignore it the best I can, or if I should be screen-capping this stuff myself, and going to the police - well, police are pretty useless in these kinds of situations, but perhaps seeking legal advice.

I know you girls have a lot of collective knowledge, but do any of you have (especially UK relevant) advice (beyond "read The Gift of Fear and Captain Awkward") about how to handle this kind of thing? "Ignore and block" is not doing a great job of working.

Actually, you know what?

No.

This person has had enough of my time and my attention and my psychic energy, and this is just yet one more blatant grasp for attention. I'm done. I'm really done. I'm not giving them the oxygen of even being afraid of them. Enough.

Back to taking my giddy pleasures where I find them: A POP STAR FOLLOWED ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA!!! A POP STAR FOLLOWED MEEEEEE!!! ON SOCIAL MEEEEEDIA!!!

(He blinded ME! With Science!)

Phew I don't have any advice but I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

The pop star is a delightful diversion though.

If someone is lying and spreading malicious gossip about you (even without a side order of stalking) I think if you try to address the lies, it gives the fabrications a tissue of plausibility? Isn't it better to prove yourself with actions rather than words, walk away, refuse to engage and rise above it?

But anyway. Distract me with pop stars! Tell me about your pop star crushes, if you ever interacted with them (even just sending teenage fanmail) and how embarrassing / giddy-making it all is.

I've had a crush on Council Member Stephen Levin for like two years but he just got engaged apparently so I guess he wasn't actually smiling at me from the front of the room while I stared deeply into his eyes.

http://www.greenpointnews.com/images/6329.jpg

His politics are excellent.

My #1 pop star crush is Thomas Dutronc. My French skills are so bad that I am just excited when I can understand his tweets.

Branwell, Zoe Quinn (the person libelled in the weird origin of gamergate) started a good site about protecting your ish from online creepers:
http://www.crashoverridenetwork.com/
and
free advice at http://crashoverridenetwork.tumblr.com/

whoever the fuck is spending their time doing that should feel petty & ashamed, and find something useful to do

got some kind of girlfriend/style/or more crush on tessa thompson

http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/browbeat/2014/07/22/dear_white_people_trailer_justin_simien_movie_starts_a_conversation_video/tessa_thompson.png.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge.png

+also http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Mitigating_internet_trollstorms

Oh thank you Crabbits! That's actually really helpful.

The website perhaps not so much (it seems to be more about dedicated gamergate type campaigns, when this is honestly just one disgruntled person who has decided that the best way to handle a breakup they are unhappy about is to respond to a 3-week relationship with four months of escalating creeping, stalking, then outright doxxing) but the Tumblr looks like it has some invaluable resources!

I can certainly understand being hurt and upset that someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but this has got to a point where, as my best friend put it "they are just writing fan fiction about you and trying to persuade other people to believe it" but at least this latest bout has produced hard, tangible, screengrabbable evidence when I say "this person has been creeping me out" of what, exactly I am talking about.

There's a part of me that just wants to ask "WHY?" I'm not a celebrity, I'm not even interesting or good-looking, yet this is now at least the third time in my life that I've been the focus of something like this. But there is no "why" answer; it's about them and not necessarily about me. Bad luck.

I'm faced with two ways of interpreting someone acting like this:

1) they are deliberately lying and misrepresenting events in order to manipulate people into attracting sympathy and attention. (Which is gross and frightening, but kinda pathetic really if you think about it)
2) they actually believe the things they are putting out there, and this is some kind of delusional thinking pattern (in which case pity is more the correct reaction)

I'm just deeply, deeply tired of this, and would really prefer that it stop.

But in the meantime, keep the crushes coming, girls. That is one fine-looking man, in orbit!

stalking really makes me see red
i'm sorry this is happening to you -- it's a type of violation that is so pernicious that we don't have the right words to describe it. "creepy" not doing the heavy lifting required.

beyond creepy, indeed. and your case sounds really extreme, Branwell--so sorry you're going thru that.

ugh i was (badly) following google instructions to block a dude on gchat and accidentally invited him to chat. nononooooo.

so now can't sleep b/c this makes me madly nervous. never want anything to do with that dude ever ever everrrrr again and in all my brilliance i fucking accidentally invited him to chat, gdi.

i lack interesting crushes but have some pics of pretty men:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCPMmeiUMAAr6Qj.png
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCPMl_aUAAArmC0.png

big pics, but oh so pretty.

idk if this will post, or post a link
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/B5k3y8VCAAAhfzz.mp4

Argh, argh, argh, that is like some kind of nightmare - trying to block someone and sending them a request instead? I hope you DID manage to block them after that, so at least if they try to respond, they won't be able to!

(Tumblr did that to me once - on the mobile app, if you click on the wrong part of the screen, it follows (or more usually unfollows) someone whose posts you're looking at / have been reblogged. It's annoying when it unfollows your friends, and you have to send them an "I don't hate you, it was the mobile app!" message to apologise. But once it somehow managed to follow someone who absolutely loathes me and hates my guts (I had the nerve to disagree with her about some minor aspect of fandom, which is of course, an unforgivable sin on Tumblr!) and I suddenly get this notification "You have just followed Person-Who-Hates-Your-Guts" and I was like WWAAAAHHHHTT *delete delete delete*. But that was just embarrassing, not actually scary or anything.)

I have now actually informally spoken to An Investigator about the situation. (Which was weird as hell, in and of itself - there are aspects of my life that I don't like explaining to anyone, and to discuss them, even informally, like this, is a scary thing to do, e.g. I am not 'out' about my gender/sexuality at work or anything. And having to explain what 'fan fiction' or 'Tumblr' is - at least this Investigator was pretty savvy since they deal with internet nasties for a living.) But it is kind of a relief, when you're almost gaslighting yourself, trying to downplay what's going on, and telling yourself "oh, you're overreacting" and "if you just don't look at their drama or speak to them, they'll get bored and stop" - to speak to an expert who looks at the situation and says "Nope, you were right to come to us, you have every right to feel scared, this stuff is clearly against the terms of service of the website they're using, if you want to pursue this we can help you put together a case."

So on that level, it's reassuring to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not overreacting. But on another level... I don't want to go through this shit. I just want it to stop.

I mean, I'm scared to even talk about this shit on ILX because from their doxing post it's quite clear that they know of the existence of ILX and how to use the search function. And even for me to say something like "This person is making me uncomfortable and I'm scared by what they are doing" is to invite another round of THE TERRIFYING TOXIC TRUTH ABOUT THE PERSON I AM STALKING BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME blogging. But, y'know, my saying something / ignoring it for months doesn't seem to make a difference to stopping this.

Really, I just want it to stop.

Now I am going for a walk in the sunshine and maybe try to have coffee with a friend. (In this thread's longrunning "female friends" theme, I have scheduled biweekly coffee catch-ups with a London gal-pal, so this is a v v good thing going forward in my life.)

glad you spoke to the Investigator & got some validation. self-gaslighting feels so awful.

seems pretty universal in these situations to be overwhelmed & emotionally flailing and --how do you sleep? how do you cope? how do you get thru the day with all this fearful, frantic emotional shit whirling thru yr head? ugh. DNW. of course.

i so wish this thread wasn't public. but i'm so glad we have it.

a walk in the sunshine & coffee with a friend sound great.

I wish I knew how to deal with the emotional shit -- tbh this convo has been really triggering for me, even after decades. The sensation of being watched, the self-consciousness (which I have worked hard to shed!) creep back slowly but insidiously. I wish I knew what to say that would help.

Btw I'm not complaining -- I didn't realize my mind would spiral once I started thinking about it. Such is the insidious nature of this thing!

Not to disregard any of the important things on this thread, but I just want to acknowledge that the handsome man that Julia posted is very very handsome.

his smile is AMAZING damn

super insidious ick ick ick.

very very handsome--ikr? xp yes.

I am so, so sorry, LL. I did think, when bringing this up, that I should have put some kind of content warning on it, and I am sorry that this brought up your own experiences.

I mean, I know, from experience, how deep down this kind of stuff gets into you. And I think that's part of the reason I was telling myself this wasn't such a big deal or anything. Because I *know*, from having gone though something like this before, how it warps your perceptions for the rest of your life. Like, I am aware that this is one of the most prevalent reasons why I have such a negative reaction to the little, low-level ~researching your life~ type creeping on the internet. Because it brings back the big scary stuff.

Oh, I don't want to talk about this any more. I typed out a ton of details, but changed my mind about posting it because of that specific sensation of feeling watched. Thank you for listening. Thank you for talking. Thank you for not thinking I'm crazy. Thank you for sharing what I know to be awful feelings.

Now on with the handsomeness!

im sorry for the abrupt subject change
so upset rn

i was able to see a doctor for cheap while i was in college, went to him with symptoms that have steadily gotten worse since. he gave me many tests and told me i probably have lupus (maybe MCTD) but obv i need to see a rheumatologist. like i said, things have gotten worse since. i have to plan that at least one day a month i can't do anything but stay in bed.

so i've been searching for a rheumatologist in an increasingly panicked way and coming up with nothing as my mental and physical health deteriorates. how MEAN people in the medical industry turn when they find out you're poor. just hung up the phone with someone and burst into tears at work

i just feel so helpless and scared! im tired of worrying what's happening to my body and feeling like my arms and legs are rotting off of my body or something. im tired of waking up in the night thinking i can't breathe or that i'm having a stroke or a heart attack. and then the added bonus that getting emotionally upset causes weird flare-ups of pain and other symptoms.

to make up for my admittedly self-indulgent post:

https://cdn1.cdnme.se/cdn/6-1/2127762/images/2011/600full-alain-delon-9_163398758.jpg

Oh god Roxy that's awful. I wish I knew how to negotiate the US medical system. (If you weren't already married, I'd tell you to come to the UK and gay-marry me so you could be treated on the NHS while we still have one.)

I am so so sorry, that is so shit, and I just really really hope that you find someone or something to make it better.

well the generous offer of gay english marriage is atm literally my only healthcare option so thanks! lol

i feel like its going to be ok, i just had to throw a fit for a min tbh

Let me try to distract you with this plethora of problematic pulchritude:

http://41.media.tumblr.com/fab5686990e3a557958626c178d1e5c8/tumblr_no98x6N4a61rngx6zo1_400.jpg

oh roxy that is awful.

roxy--ugggh so sorry you're going thru healthshit.

medical people are awful with:

-$ issues, omfg
-chronic not-well-understood debilitating stuff (bonus points if it mainly happens to women, like autoimmune ish & similar)
-anything mental health in addition to physical chronic stuff because obv yr just (just!) depressed, little lady

and just finding a specialist in the 1st place...ugh. i live this stuff (disabled w/CFS/ME) & wish i had something more helpful to say-feel free to email me for commiseration/venting if you need.